Decisions Decisions

I'm 36 years old and am a professional working person, home based with a decent healthy life.

I am almost 8 weeks pregnant, my boyfriend has presented me with a number of issues over the past 3 weeks and quite frankly is alarming me. The pregnancy wasn't planned as such - we've been seeing each other since just Janurary but have been living inside each others pockets up til recently - but we weren't using contraception and he'd said i would get pregnant and have a child with him. This has obviously happened. To the public he declares he doesn't want any more children at the moment or sometimes ever.

Since then, he's said he will support me, by that he actually means financially and will not commit at this stage to anything else and when I try and talk to him about it i get told i'm a bully and giving him ultimatums. I have said that its important to me to know that i won't be on my own and i don't want to be on my own when the baby is born - due just before Christmas. He's said he needs more time - i've said there's never going to be a right time - I get called a bully. His attitute has changed significantly over the pst 2-3 weeks, his Jewish mother is influencing him - he is 50 years old! - and 3 male friends who are all part of a disastrous spiral of relationships who keep telling him that i've trapped him when this is not true. I've said to him that i don't think its fair on me - even though ethically i don't agree with abortion - for me to have the baby if we're not going to live together and bring it up 2gether, he says the times not right he's got too much going on. He tells me he loves me, I say that if he loved me we would not be having conversations like this but moving forward together. I've told him - which he implies is threatening - that if i have to have an abortion, I will not continue to go out with him on principle regardless of any love between us. I'm self employed so i can't have a lot of maternity leave, my flat isn't that big so I would have to move somewhere else and he's said he'll pay for a nanny. I'm all over the place and am not being able to enjoy what should be a very happy time. I don't know whether I should have an abortion or not, my parents are very concerned and my friends because they don't want me to be put under undue pressure without the proper support of my partner. Any help hints advice greatly appreciated x
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  • its not nice to go through things like esp when ur preg you dont need the stress your not a bully you are just wanting to know where you stand when i was pregnant with my second my now ex husband left me with a 2 year old and a bump it was an awful time but i got through it with the love and support of my friends and family only you will know whats best for you and the baby stay strong and what ever you choose to do it will be for the best im now having my third child and my girls are the best thing that has ever happened to me
  • hiya im in a similiar position like u , but seems like u have it a lot easier than i do . i hadnt been with the babies dad very long wen i got pregnant . we met through friends on new yr eve. he has a daughter with someone else but wen we found out we knew we couldnt get rid cos i had a termination with an ex last yr. since then he likes seein me upset and enjoys gettin me dwn . last week he sed the baby isnt his and i havent spoke to him since . im worried he wont want to see his baby wen its born . just want to let u know u aint alone . im due in oct x
  • HI there, I think that you need to really think about what you want and what would be best for you at the moment. You are the most important person here! Although we would all like to be in happy loving relationships when we have children this isn't always the case and at the end of the day you need to know that you want the baby & can bring the baby up, either with your partner or not. As Zoey says he may come round to the idea. My sister went through a similar thing with her ex and he didn't want anything to do with the pregnancy however my nephew is now 20 months old and he is a very loving hands on dad although him and my sis aren't together anymore they work as a good team to ensure their little boy is happy. From the sounds of it, whatever you choose to do you will have your family & friends around you for support. Good luck, Tammi xxx
  • awww hun what a difficult situation for you. Only you can make the decision though, if you really feel like having the baby would be the wrong thing to do then you have to decide if you can live with having an abortion. Personally, I dont agree with it but its everyones indivual choice. My sister had one last year and I had to say on the occasion, it was the right thing to do because she is so so selfish, it wouldnt be fair for her to have a baby yet.
    This man needs to strap on a pair! He made you pregnant so he needs to deal with the consequences. You are not a bully, you just quite understandably want some answers! If he is willing to support you financialy then thats good, and as for being alone when the baby is born I'm sure your mum or friend would be there during the birth.
    I found out I was pregnant with my first when I was 15 and doing my GSCE's and the dad didnt want to know. I now have a beautiful little 4 year old girl and I wouldnt change a thing.
    I suggest you sit down with the father and make a decision as to whether your going to stay together and if not, then how will he support you and the baby.
    Good luck hun
    xxx
  • May i play devil's advocate here? I think a strong part of you was looking to get pregnant... you're registered on babyexpert (;-D) and have been having unprotected sex for several months, even though you knew the relationship was fairly new.

    I agree with the others - make this decision for yourself. If the bloke wants to be a part of it then all for the better. He knew there was a strong chance of pregnancy so is morally and financially responsible alongside you, but the level of his involvement is a lot less black and white. Bear in mind, the reality's probably hit him hard. However, this is a 50 year old man still getting cues from his mother so prepare to be the adult in the relationship, if it continues.

    If you want the baby it sounds like you're fully capable of raising it. You know it'll be hard on your own, but you're a strong independent woman and can manage it.

    If you're swaying towards abortion, get the ball rolling as soon as possible and seek counselling. Take care and good luck! xx
  • Yes i would like to re-iterate the fact that you were both having unprotected sex and therefore, now you are pregnant, he needs to accept half the responsibility, rather than childishly stating that he has been trapped. At 50 years old you think he would know what it takes to make a baby!! Therefore, I would first of all decide what you want - if you want to keep the baby or not, however bear in mind that if you keep the baby that you may possibly be bringing up the baby on your own. Then, sit down with your bf and discuss with him what you want to do. He may or may not agree with your decision and if you do decide to have the baby, then he will have to step up and do what he needs to do to ensure the baby is provided for.
    Equally, if you decide to terminate, then do think it through carefully (i did this 9 years ago and it was my biggest and only regret)
    Either way, regardless of whether this relationship survives or not, it sounds like you have a good circle of friends and a supportive family around you that will be able to offer you the emotional support and love that you need to enable to help you through whatever you decide.

    Good Luck, i hope you make the decision that is right for you

  • I think I am just going to reiterate what the others have said, however, in for a penny...
    He willingly had unprotected sex, he said you would get pregnant and have a child with him - time to wake up and accept his responsibilities, I think.
    However, you are the number one priority here and you need to think seriously about your options and your wishes. Do you want the baby, do you want to have it potentially on your own, where else can you get support?
    No answers in there but you are the only one who can answer a lot of the questions.
    Good luck
  • Hi there. I didnt want to read and run but not sure what use I will be. I sympathise that you are having a very hard time and are very confused but at the end of the day you are 2 adults who consented to having unprotected sex knowing the risks. Your unborn child is not at fault here. Plenty of women have children in worse situations and manage to give the child a loving and supportive happy life and I believe anyone can do this, there is plenty of support out there. THis man needs to grow up and face his responsabilitys. When i fell pregnant with my first child I had only been with the father for 3 months, it was a very scarey time for both of us as we didnt really know eachother that well. But here we are 6years later and I am expecting our 3rd child and we are very happily raising his son from a previous reltionship. Good luck with everything and I hope you make the right decision for yourself and your baby.
  • Thank you everyone for your replies. I've read them all.

    I've not slept, my boyfriend has rang me quite a bit, i've cried a lot and am upset and unsure of what i want to do. I've made an appointment through bpas locally but have to wait 14 days for initial consultancy - i'm horrified at the thought of being under general anaesthetic and appauled at the procedure. He is adamant that the timing is not right for him, we're made for each other, he loves me and thinks i'm being very manipulative and horrible with my thoughts and feelings particulary with my comments about 2 of his friends who have said that i've trapped him. He said i'm being too demanding wanting too much from him too soon and i want to control everything. He has said that in a couple of years time things will be different and i should have the sense to give him that time and then we can have a child. I've said that there is never and will never be a right time, there's always something in the way. I've said in floods of tears and upset words - he's said he wished he had a tape recorder so I could hear how nasty i am being - that if he loved me like he says he does this decision to encourage me to abort would not be occuring he would be 100% supporting me and we'd be going forward 2gether. Instead he wants me to abort and carry on with the relationship and be patient. I have said that i cannot carry on a relationship if i'm aborting our child - he called me threatening and childish for saying this.

    My parents, best friends and my brother cannot believe that my boyfriend intends for me to abort and continue a relationship with him or that he can say he loves me and that due to his timing alone we terminate.

    Support from my Friends - he is not interested in what any of my friends, parents or brother have said. He is appauled that i've involved them in this decision making process.

    I really do not know what i want to do, having cried most of the night, the thought of an operation frightens me and the thought of bringing up a little child on my own, spending Christmas effectively on my own with a new born baby - i know friends and family will be around me - completely scares me. I'm on a relatively new contract with my work and am concerned about the impact of me saying i'm pregnant 4 months into the deal. My boyfriend (I can't believe i'm even calling him this at the moment) has said he'll fund a nanny (he said i want too much when i said i didn't want some second rate nanny i would require someone qualified and educational) so i can carry on working. Although he has said he will support me financially, this is not what i'd intended as the vision of bringing a little person into the world and nurturing them.

    Any more thoughts greatly appreciated xX
  • ask your bf to read this topic, if he has any kind of heart he will see what a prize idiot he is being. As for his friends and mother, they are upset that someone else has his love and attention. Whatever you decide make sure it's for your reasons and no-one else.

    Good luck hun

    -x-
  • Poor you, what you must be going through.
    I have to say, my thoughts on your 'boyfriend' are not the most complimentary. He doesn't seem to know what he wants either - he wants you to terminate but is prepared to fund a nanny?
    Sounds like this guy wants to have his cake and eat it - does he know how babies are made, what did he think was going to happen when 2 consenting adults had unprotected sex, or does he just want the condom free sex without the responsibilities?
    I said it before but you need to decide what you want, not be forced into doing what he wants. Do you want to terminate? If not, don't be forced into it, you are 36, if the time is not right for a baby now, when will it ever be right?
    You say if you have to terminate you will not go out with him on principle, so you will be left with neither him nor baby - bringing up a baby on your own is not the worst thing that could happen here. Staying with this clown who won't accept his responsibilities and is trying to force your hand could be.

    All we can do babes is give you our thoughts, the decisions have to be yours. It's easy for us to make judgements when we are not in the situation.
    Give yourself some breathing space form him for a couple of days, go to your folks and sort out what you want, not what he wants.
    Plenty more men out there but babies are precious.

    Good luck
    xx
  • Hun, you need to spend a cpl of days with no contact from him and sit and concentrate on YOU! You need to think of everything regarding this situation. I am apaulled that a 'mature' *said tongue in cheek* man of 50 is behaving like a spoilt teenager. What did he seriously think would happen when you didn't use protection?

    Yes, bringing a baby into the world is a big step and an even bigger step if you do this on your own.......but it's not impossible and I know plenty of mum's who do a grand job on their own (and some dad's too!!). What you need to think about is 1. how you will feel in yourself if you terminate, 2. how you will feel about him if you terminate & 3. can you really see this relationship lasting either way regardless? I don't think you're being unreasonable at all hun, in fact, he is behaving extremely childish and demanding. I don't know about him taping you so you can hear yourself - you should tape him!!

    The thing you need to remember is you seem to have a very good support network in friends and family so you won't be truely alone. Regarding ur employment, well, there's not a lot they can do - these things happen. Best thing would probably be, if you decide to go ahead with the pregnancy, arrange a meeting with your boss, explain the situation. Although some companies are still narrow-minded when it comes to pregnancy, some are pretty good. You mite be able to get everything arranged without any hassles - maybe even do part time for a while if necessary when you go back to work?

    Basically, the main thing for you right now is to have some time to yourself, without ur 'bf' putting his demands into the equation. You need to get ur own head straight 1st hun.

    xx
  • I think you are looking for an outcome that isn't going to happen... Like others have said, he's giving you mixed messages by telling you to abort and then offering to pay for a nanny. He doesn't want the responsibility. He's talking to you in a way that is completely unacceptable, but you are letting him treat you this way. Ironically, he is the one doing all the controlling and manipulating and he has no idea!

    The fact is, you both knew what you were doing when you had unprotected sex so you have a responsibility here too. I'm not judging you because maybe you believed that he wanted kids and you wanted the same. But it's risky when you've only been together for such a short period... He isn't the man yo thought he was. And it doesn't sound like he'll ever be.

    Do you really want this man telling you what to do and controlling you for the rest of your life? It's easy to say that you should leave him and I realise it wouldn't be easy but the alternative is to be with someone who has treated you terribly at a time when you need support, he is trying to cut you off from friends and family, and he is making decisions for you. That could be the way it is forever. Do you really want that?

    You have a huge decision to make and it will need time. Don't be forced into an abortion but face the reality that he may not be there for you afterwards. And if he is, he's likely to be controlling you and the baby...
  • I think he sounds like a complete waste of space and your better off without him! I know that probably sounds harsh but come on, you were having unprotected sex and surely he knows what comes of that?! You need to make the right decision for you and leave him out of it for now..can you raise a baby alone? Plenty of people do. If you were having unprotected sex did you want this baby? If so, then why are you even considering an abortion? If not, then why were you having unprotected sex? Talk to your family and ask if you decide to go through with the pregnancy will they support you. You wont be spending christmas alone, your family and friends will be around you and you'll have a beautiful little baby to celebrate. Take some time out from this man and decide whats right for you, if he'll support you financialy then great but thats only a small part of raising a baby. I just dont think the timing being wrong for him is a relevant reason for an abortion but I could be wrong, its ultimatly your decision and.
    xxx
  • Sorry but I have to say that either way you are facing a future without him. If he reacts this way to a child now, he's never going to be ready and if you want children in your future he's clearly not the man for the job. The decision you have to make is whether you are ready to be a mother or not. I kind of think you already made that decision when you had unproctected sex, you are obviously an intelligent and a capable woman. You felt ready to have a baby with him. No one plans to be a single mother, I won't lie it is hard work but not impossible. I was 20 when I had my daughter and my ex was not around even though we had decided to have her together. I have never had a penny from him (and she is 8 years old now) and though it's been hard I've managed and I'm very proud of my wonderful daughter and the close relationship we have. You can do it but the question is do you want to?

    As for your boyfriend, he's got to go. Love is not selfish, childish and spoilt - it is giving and considerate and selfless. He hasn't displayed any of these charateristics to you, let alone your potential child. You deserve better.

    Good luck with it all and let us know how you get on

    rebecca xxxx
  • What a tough situation you are in! This is going to be an incredibly difficult decision for you, but at the end of the day it is your decision and no one else can make it for you. I do believe that fathers should have their opinion taken into account, but it sounds as though your 'bf' doesn't really know what he wants. He seems to be childishly wishing that it hadn't happened which is naive to say the least when he was happy to have unprotected sex, and is also extremely unhelpful. And as for 'wait a couple of years and then we'll have a child' well there's no guarantee that he'll be any more ready in two years than he is now. I think as others said that you need to take a couple of days with no contact from him just to focus on what you want, and then calmly explain to him that you have made your decision and you will expect him to support you in that. If you decide to have the baby, you will need to accept that he may or may not be involved as a hands-on dad, but at least he is showing a willingness to help financially. If you feel that a termination is right for you, then that is your choice- but it has to be what is right for you as a person, not what is right for your relationship- because the relationship may not last (especially with the way you are feeling at the moment) and you will have to live with your decision.
  • I really feel for you, wish I had a magic wand to make things alright but, since I don't, here's my view...

    At 50 if he says your pregnancy as come at a wrong time while having unprotected sex, then bullying you when pregnant, he will never be ready. I once had an ex like this. He wanted us to start a fam, then I stop pill he got scared. I go back on pill on wanted unprotected sex!

    consider this...

    If you keep baby
    1 - You may lose him (but do you really want a man like him)
    2 - Family and friends will support you
    3 - You get a beautiful baby at the end
    4 - Your life will change
    5 - Good or difficult times ahead (normal part of life)
    6 - The pain of this man's behaviour will fade and someday you meet someone wonderful

    If you don't keep baby
    1 - Will you be able to forgive this man
    2 - Will your relationship last if you stay with him
    3 - Whether you stay with him or not, will you forgive yourself
    4 - Will the pain ever fade away
    5 - Difficult times ahead, but pain of loss of baby may make it worse
    6 - You may over time begin to forget the pain of loss of baby and BF

    Sometimes, bad things happen and we don't know why it's happened and feels like life is difficult and will always be. Remember that one day you will look back, smile and glad that you were strong whatever decisions you make.
  • Without wanting to sound cold, you are both adults and both new the risks when you had unprotected sex, and so are both equally at fault. He does sound like a git but are you really surprised that after knowing someone for such a short amount of time that he is concerned about the long term commitment. It could be deemed equally irresponsible for him to commit further in a relationship that he has doubts about, and also unfair on the baby to live in a household where the parents have commited out of necessity rather than love.
    I have friends who fell pregnant within 3 months of getting together. They now have a 3 year old and a 6 week old and I'm sad to say that she is living with her parents now, although they have not officially seperated. She has yoyo'd back and forth so much I cannot begin to imagine the effect this will have on the kids as they grow up and have masses of sympathy for them but at the same time am not surprised that things have gone this way as they never had time to really get to know each other before having their first and thoughout the excitement of new baby didnt realise that they actually dont like each other much!
    If you want to keep this baby you should but should also be prepared to live as a single parent in case your relationship doesn't work out and he becomes a weekend or even absent dad. Again I'm sorry if it sounds cold to say that and I do sympathise with a very difficult situation.
  • It doesn't always end that way MumDonna, although I agree it's more common than mine did.....I met my dh Jan 2000, was pg by end of Feb engaged and married by July. My eldest was born in the Nov and I fell pg by Xmas - a huge shock!! We'll have been married for 8 years this year and I am currently pg with our 5th!!
  • Just thought I'd add that if you decide to keep this baby and get rid of this man then it doesnt nessecarily mean you wont meet someone else. I had my first at 16, her biological dad wasnt interested but I since met my husband when my daughter was 2 years old and he adores her and I'm now expecting our first baby together.
    xx
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