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So hurt and angry

So here we go.....

Bit of background on us, we have been married 14yrs this yr & have 3dc and are pregnant with #04. Our eldest is 13 next one 10 and youngest 3, September last yr I started to think maybe one more would be nice as the age gap with our biggest 2 to our youngest leaves her very left out and no-one to enjoy being little with (xmas, Easter, trips to the zoo etc all very exciting when ur little) after some more thought I had my implant removed in October and we agreed to see what happened (main thought was if we hadn't caught by March (lo 3rd birthday) we would rethink as didn't want to much of an age gap) anyway we were lucky on got our bfp 6th Jan.

Fast forward to yesterday and myself and oh got into a row about how he always leaves me to carry the responsibility and commitment of the kids and how I need him to grow up and actively take some responsibility for them too after all our son will be 14 this summer so hes had plenty of time to work it out.... and with yet another on the way I'm worried its gonna be even more pressure whilst he still floats around like a care free kid! 
Now I know to a point I knew this when we got pregnant with all the younger ones but always thought he would get there in the end but it's simple things like yes he works but that is it !! he leaves me to sort, pay, arrange and coordinate everything that happens. He will use the last of the milk/bread say absolutely nothing go off to work (he works nights) past the shop and does nothing about it ! In the meantime the kids get up for breakfast and theres nothing in !! The list goes on.......
Anyway during all this row he tells me well I wanted a 4th, I pushed for it so shouldn't be complaining! Gutted doesn't even cut it 😥 with my youngest I have to admit I questioned at the time whether it was the right choice as the other 2 were bigger we were just finding our feet financially after 3 redundancies and was all the slags, sluts and whores under the sun for questioning it and yet this time was an active decision where yes he said would we manage financially etc but never said he didn't want it to now this.... 

Sorry for the long rant but cant get past him saying this was MY choice as though he doesn't want it.... just really dont know what to do now 😭


  • Hey I was in a realationship for 15 years had 9 children with him he was selfish never helped it was me picking up the pieces praising them entertaining them and he was vilonent pur it this way things got worse and took me 15 years and something bad to hapoen b4 i finally seen the light dont waste your time trying thinking things will change the argueing wont help anytging but will bring harm to your children even if u think they dont hear or no they will be affected emotionly mentally they need consistancy calm happy environment things may be sad at the time but u will be better off hope u have friends or family to support yoy which i dint have had noone but myself even ended up with no money no home nothing but i did it for my children you can be happy again found a decent man that is so diffrent lovely carring supportive only you can change things for the good noone can tell you diffrent here if u need anything help support freind questions xxxx
  • Hello,

    firstly i totally understand why you choose to have a fourth child. I had my fourth child for the same reason. My partner was also in agreement but then was awful during the pregnancy. It took till my son was around 6months before he bonded with him but now he is the apple of his daddys eye.

    in terms of how helpful your partner is, he probably thinks the older kids look after themselves and has forgotten how hard little ones are. Try talking to him and explaining how hard it is. Maybe try talking to him and explain the things that annoy you.

    if bread and milk are an issue maybe buy on set days or have a list on the wall that people can add to when you need something. Or ask him to leave the empty carton or packet out so at least you know what you need.

    i think that in alot of families mum tends to be responsible for the kids. I have recently returned to work and my partner is very good with school runs and housework but its me who arranges all appointments sorts out school dinners, parties, uniform, gets everyone dressed in the morning etc. My partner doesnt even work at the moment as he is studying. But untill i went back to work i always sorted the kids and he worked. So its new for all of us. If you have always taken care of it your partner just expects you to do it. Have a converstation and work from there. Lastly congratulations on your pregnancy! I am sure when your little bundle is here your partner will love them to pieces and remember all those pregnancy hormones will be affecting you too x
  • Thanks for the advice girls, it's just so hard and frustrating that I have to be the grown up juggling everything 365days a year and all I hear from him is well hes working ! I appreciate he does but hes off weekends, bank holiday weeks off etc and I get no break from it ever he never once says he will deal with the kids in the morning or night feeds with any of them over the yrs I just have to keep going where he thinks he doesn't! 
    Probably made it worse for myself as b4 our youngest I was working 30hrs+ a week and dealing with everything then. But I have said to him now I may not be working as many hours (I'm self employed now so can choose what suits) but now I am trying to juggle 3 children at 3 different stages whilst spending half my time so tired now with this pregnancy.
    Our eldest is an awkward teenager and being a boy hes just so different but when I say to my oh what did he think feel etc at that age I just get I dont know 🙄 I cant even get advice from him let alone hands on help.
    It just feels as though hes never grown up since we met and I have had all the responsibility of raising the kids he made too but if I ever say anything he blames everything and anything else and I feel he wont accept hes in control of changing things. 

    I think what stuck the knife in was his implication I got what I wanted by having baby #4 if that's how he really feels what future do we have 😥 

    I drifted from alot of friends when we had our 1st young and was at home with a baby, my friends now are great but he puts on such a show whenever my friends or family are around I dont think they would get what I'm saying. 

    Thanks for listening to me rant just getting it out helps xx
  • u should talk to him tho say ur doing it all on ur own and ur with him so u might aswell be without him just to see reaction see if he abit like oh she means it she is stronger then he thought or he just carry on taking mick ur come to a point in a min where just bloody explode half the stress is when there doing naff all anyway men ugh they do drive us nuts my partner good as gold still bot lazy at home I could rip him apart at times believe lol  it's not easy xx
  • Honestly sometimes it is better tto get it out! My partner was the same when we had out son. Very much well you wanted him. But now he is 2 he is fantastic with him. And also much better with the other children.

    my older 3 are girls so i don't know much about teenage boys. But hopefully your partner will be better when baby is here!  
  • He did temporarily move out last Jan when it came to a head then after my gran was diagnosed with cancer (I was crushed) but he said he understood and for a little bit was much better at trying to help but we are just going back to where it was and I feel he doesn't care when I say I'm sick of doing it alone he just tells me I'm nagging at him. I know I'm the one gonna be doing majority of the work with the new baby but as our youngest still sleeps in the afternoon at school run time (wont sleep anywhere but her bed) I need him to make sure hes up to watch her whilst I collect the others etc I dont think I'm being unreasonable after all he only needs to watch a monitor as most the time I'm back b4 she wakes and has had more sleep than I manage most nights.  
    Our younget has been the hard one as unlike the others she wont sleep in her buggy or car seat, shes suffered from febrile convulsions (both occasions it was me up all night in hospital with her to come home and do the school run to maybe sleep (1 eye open) for a couple of hours then up again to do all normal things needed) yet hes got it hard coz he works !! He never sees no Matter what happens or how hard I have always tried to do the best for all of them and never complained but dont have the sympathy to listen to he has it hard when he does none of it...
    He says he doesn't want it to be over but then doesnt change anything I dont know what to say to him anymore.....
  • It's always the same hun over and over again things seem to be better but it goes bk to the same crap  honest to go god u seriously need to do whats best for all of u you 14 years long time i done 15 years in 1 and miserable i left pregnant too made me bloody stronger and a better role model to my children it aint fair shouldent be like it hun I'm here always to off load to friend chat support to listen xx
  • Thanks rachel158 xx
  • I totally agree sometimes you keep on working on it and it just never gets better. I was with my husband 10 years and then we got divorced. All I can say is that you know in your heart if you want to keep trying or not. If you are truly unhappy life is too short to be unhappy and sometimes things work out better when you separate. I am the happiest i have ever been, it was a real heartbreak leaving my husband and a long battle to be honest but 5years down the line I can hinestly say I have no regrets, my kids are happier and in a lot of ways have a better relationship with their dad.

    you have to do whats right for you if thats breaking up or if thats working on it. If you want to chat you can always pm me! 

  • Thanks sebbie1952 xx
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