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Talkback: What is controlled crying?

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  • My baby is 11mths old and generally falls asleep in my arms with her bedtime bottle, however she can wake up 30 mins after being put in her cot, and frequently through the night. Does anyone have a similar experience and feel that controlled crying will work in this situation?
  • My daughter is 9 and a half months. She will only fall asleep if Im.holding her. And then after about 45 mins in her crib she wakes up crying. Will controlled crying help us find a better way to keep her asleep in her crib?
  • Hi there, my 14 month old goes to sleep on me then I put him down in his cot. I’m keen to try this method of self soothing. The only thing is, he wakes up during the night, sometimes multiple times. Do I just repeat the process?
  • HI, My 18 month old has never really been a great sleeper... however its starting to get worse. He will have a bed time bottle in my arms and will put him down awake and eventually after goin in and out of his room I give in and give him another bottle in his cot which he will fall asleep on then I go in and take bottle away. He will then wake up through the night numerous times and I was getting away with giving him water but now he refuses and screams the house down until I give him milk. I am a little reluctant to start with controlled crying as I have another child and a not very understanding neighbour, however I am getting very little sleep and its affecting my work and family life. Should I start a whole new routine, taking away the bed time bottle and start with controlled crying together ? Help !"
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  • Hi I'm very eager to try this method but I have question. When you go back in do you need to wait for your baby to settle before you leave? My daughter doesn't really settle unless you pick her up. Does this work if you leave her while shes crying? Thank you
  • Hello White Owl. Thanks for your comment, and your question: it's a great one! Most of those who advocate the controlled crying technique would say you shouldn't pick your baby up once you've gone back in but you should wait until she's settled. Obviously, if your daughter won't settle unless you pick her up, that's a bit tricky! 
    You could try leaning over her cot, saying soothing words and maybe even stroking her head or gently patting her tummy – without actually picking her up – and see if that will settle her enough to stop the crying.
    If it doesn't, then you're faced with leaving when she's still crying (but not super-distressed) or trying one of the 'no-cry' methods referred to in our article, such as pick-up-put-down or gradual retreat. Both of these may take longer to 'work' than controlled crying but you may feel they're better suited to your daughter.
    Good luck! Do let us know how you get on.
  • HelenMFM said:
    Hello White Owl. Thanks for your comment, and your question: it's a great one! Most of those who advocate the controlled crying technique would say you shouldn't pick your baby up once you've gone back in but you should wait until she's settled. Obviously, if your daughter won't settle unless you pick her up, that's a bit tricky! 
    You could try leaning over her cot, saying soothing words and maybe even stroking her head or gently patting her tummy – without actually picking her up – and see if that will settle her enough to stop the crying.
    If it doesn't, then you're faced with leaving when she's still crying (but not super-distressed) or trying one of the 'no-cry' methods referred to in our article, such as pick-up-put-down or gradual retreat. Both of these may take longer to 'work' than controlled crying but you may feel they're better suited to your daughter.
    Good luck! Do let us know how you get on.

    Hi Helen,

    We tried the 1st night attempting to sooth her without picking her up but it really wasn't working, she wasn't settling at all. last night we tried picking her up just to get her to stop the crying and screaming and then putting her down and continued with the waiting to go back in times and she settled herself a lot quicker than I thought she would. We are going to continue that way and see how we get on. thank you for your reply :)

  • It's our pleasure, WhiteOwl. Sounds like you've found the technique that's going to work for you. Hope it all continues to go well!
  • Hi, I would love to know .. my 1 year old goes down fine, but a few times during the night she will wake up crying for her dummy (which she cant find) or sometimes cries for a cuddle. I have done whatever we she needs to get her back to sleep but now it's time for her to settle herself to sleep by herself. Do I do the controlled crying on the middle of the night? Do I put her dummy back in or just leave her to find it? Thank you :)
  • Hi Gem* - and thanks for your comment.
    Yes, you can use controlled crying in the middle of the night, if that's what you'd like to do. Or could you try a version of the 'pick up, put down' method or the 'gradual retreat' method – offering comfort but much more briefly.
    With the dummy, some people would recommend trying to get your child used to falling asleep without the dummy – using the dummy before bedtime to soothe and signal time for bed but removing the dummy when you actually put your child down to sleep, and doing the same in the middle of the night. As with controlled crying, and controlled comforting, you have to be ready to stick to the plan, though!
    We'd also suggest that you ask the mums on our forum what they'd do in your situation: everybody there is so friendly and willing to help, and we wouldn't be surprised if some of them have had exactly the same 'waking and crying for the dummy' experience as you.
    Good luck with it all!
  • Thank you so much. Will give anything a try :)
  • The crying it out didn't work for us in the end. So we now lay our daughter in bed and rub her back until she stops screaming then she eventually settles herself. I don't think this is a sustainable routine but it's working for now.
  • Aww it's so hard isn't it. I'm sure you will get there in the end, lots of patience and coffee :)
  • It is really difficult but I'm sure we will get there. If anyone finds anything that works please let me know 🤣
  • Hello my baby is 6 month. At 5weeks-17wedks he was a great sleeper but since then he’s just got worse and worse. He will only sleep on food and often wakes when put into his snuz pod. I’m going to start controlled crying tonight. One thing I’m confused of is what do I do if I’m co-sleeping (snuzpod beside my bed) and he wakes in night? Any help is appreciated. Thanks.
  • I have started this as my 8 and half month old has co slept with me and has never been best sleeper but recently hasn’t slept good at all I have also started the controlled cry by putting him in his cot, the first day seemed to be ok he wasn’t perfect and woke a few times but seemed to sleep better but second day has been much harder and will not sleep for long at all especially nap times although day 1 he seemed to sleep well during his naps is this normal does it get worse before it gets better?
  • Hi, my son is 13 months old, his sleep routine has really deteriorated so he would only sleep with me so I have started controlled crying. He still wakes in the night for bottles, how do I manage this whilst doing controlled crying? Or should I stop with night time bottles and have a drink of water to give to him? I’ve been trying to look at guidelines on this online to no avail, this has been the first night so I have given a bottle then done controlled crying after this but wanted to know what the actual advice is on this. I would really appreciate some input. TIA x
  • Hi
    I’ve tried to put my 9 mo daughter down to nap, awake and leave her for 3-5-6 minutes.. the first day she just screamed til I went in.. settled down when I was there, could have fallen asleep but as soon as I get up she screamed and got up as I left again. She did not nap at all! Same for the next day. It is so heartbreaking and to see her panic and hyperventilate and shake is so hard, and she does not fall asleep!?.. I’m so close to giving up..
  • I tried it with my little one when he was 9 months old and he was exactly the same and in the end I did give up he just wasn’t ready. Since trying this technique with him now he’s 16 months he has taken to it a lot better but still isn’t sleeping all the way through but sleeping a lot better then he was and I can also put him down in his cot to fall asleep by himself now which before we would have a fight to try and get him to fall asleep. Hopefully it will get better for you soon maybe she’s just not ready for it yet x
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