My mum is going to drive me NUTS !

dark_chocolate · May 24, 2008 5:34AM

Ladies,

Firstly sorry for the long post.

i have an issue, which im sure due to being pregnant is seeming so much harder to deal with.
So i am hoping i can gain from your advice/experience and expertise.

My mum and i didnt talk for about a year due to some issues which are irrelevant really, but know we are back in touch and meet up etc.

I am 22 wks pregnant and she is over the moon, knitting away. Which im so happy about.

The problem is is she is set in her ways of how to do things etc and keeps telling me what i should and shouldnt do. Silly things that i should not really worry about are really stressing me out.

She is knitting stuff that i would really put my child in . Ive told her NOT to knit big things yet shes knitted for a 12 month old - a romper suit with ears. Saying "well i think its cute". This is not the biggest thing though.

She wants to come and stay for 6 weeks after i give birth. Instead of saying "oh i want to come and look after you and help you" etc. she told me "well you wont know what to do with the baby - how to bath it, change its nappy and you'll need some-one there to tell you". I did tell her actually it would be nice if you could help with the house/cooking and she ignored me and said "well i found it hard when i had you so you need someone there to tell you waht to do" AAARTRRRGGGGHHHHH.

I know this is my first baby, but i am not STUPID. i am 35 and she treats me like a incapable child!

Shes told me i prob wont be able to breast feed beyond a month cus thats all she could do with me and your body doesnt produce enough for the first baby. Again AAARRRGGGHHH. I thought everyone and every pregnancy was different - am i STUPID.

Then she showed me a qiult for the cot, to which i told her no point yet as i wont be using it until the baby is about 1 dye to recommendations. So she asked me "Are you going to make the baby freeze to death then. Again AAARRRGGGHHHH, weve alreadty had the conversation about the cellular blankets and she said I KNOW!

I showed her a book (Staurt Cambell - where he goes thru wk by wk with 3d scan pic) and she did a quick scan and said " oh we had these when you were born"...AAAAAAARRRGGGGGHHHHH, no you didnt . This is new technology, NOT 36 YEARS OLD !!!!!

If she stays ahe will constantly critise me. You dont know this - that-the other.

Thing is when i was 16 i looked after my little bro alot, changed his nappies, bottle fed him - thats all forgotten now!

I cant say no to her completely, so me and OH have agreed to say she can come for 2 wks, my othert half will be there too at the time and he said he will manage her.

But she will try and take over - i bet you i will hear from her that the baby likes her more than me.

Dont get me worng ladies, her issues are not that she is evil, shes had it hard and had a lot of citicism so she does it to build her own self up (at my expense). She never says anything positive to me.

I know i will have to have some words with her and i am prepared for some, but do any of you have any advice on how to deal with someone like that. her heart is in the right place, she just is like an old woman that doesnt let up !

As i say i cant not let her stay - i actually want her to be part of it - just not at my sanities expense.

Please help if you can ! xx

nothappywithbeingchanged · May 22, 2008 3:09PM

hi hun my mums a bit like that but she has had 12 kids so i have to put my hands up n sayyeah u know what ur doing. alot of the time i just keep quiet cant b botherd with the argument lol xxx alot of it u'll just prove her wrong on n that should shut her up abit but makesure she doesnt take over . its probably just she misses u n ur bro being babies xxxx

dark_chocolate · May 22, 2008 6:33PM

Thanks Lollyhatch,

i will try my best to balance it. Just dont know if ill be able to do it without losing my temper. She loves babies, but she doesnt do boundrys very well !!!

Thanks again x

karen130770 · May 23, 2008 12:49AM

Wow - rather you than me hon! Actually my mum shows no interest whatsoever and hasn't even said when she's going to come down after the baby's born - I told her my section date and she told me she's made a note of it!!! Oh thanks for that then!!!

I think you need to be straight with her and tell her that you will manage fine after the birth. You will be more than capable and you want to be left alone with your baby to learn by yourselves in the early days. Set her a certain time that she can come and make it clear as to whether she is allowed to stay overnight or not etc.

Ooh, knitted romper suit for a 1 year old with ears - I think that's your biggest problem!!!!

I think Lolly's right, she probably misses you and your bro and if you weren't in touch for a while she's may be trying to make up for that (but going completely the wrong way about it!)

I think maybe you're going to have to take the 'advice' with a pinch of salt and let it wash over you.

I have the same thing going on with my MIL trying to tell me all these old Jamaican wives tales that are complete rubbish 90% of the time. She thinks I follow all her advice to a T, but I give her ear time out of respect and then go home and do my own thing!!

Lolly, even if your mum has had 12 kids, you are still allowed to find your own way of parenting whilst taking on board (or not) your mums valuable advice.

Families huh?!

Karenxx
12 days to go

artygal · May 23, 2008 3:43AM

mothers eh! i feel your pain, i really do. my mumis much the same although she knows her place and would not be welcome in my house for 6 hours let alone 6 weeks haha. ive lived in my sisters saintly shadow my whole life and she constantly criticises me. i have chosen to call my son Burgess and she is adamant that she will not use and instead call him Bobby, this is im sure just provoke yet another arguement out of me. so instead of calling her nanny my son will call her mandy see how she likes that!!!!!!! sorry not been much help and just had a rant of my own. Tell her!!! like u said your 35 not a child, who knows what fragile state your hormones will be in after the birth u may end up being too harsh with her. xxxxxx

tashauu · May 23, 2008 4:03AM

My mums been brilliant throughout my pregnency and shes helped me out a lot, i defnietly want her to be a big part of my baby's life. But i couldnt have her living with me when ive just had the baby, that time is for you and your oh to bond with the baby, as a family and get into some routines. x

dinothedrunkenhamster · May 23, 2008 4:09AM

I agree with everyone else, you do need to stand up to her. I know you wont want to hurt her feelings but its not fair on you or your oh to have her around telling you what to do in the first few weeks, you want to bond with your baby and learn things together-not be told that your doing everything wrong.

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waiting4baby · May 23, 2008 4:36AM

you poor thing, i think one of the worst stresses of pregnancy is the mum and mil afterwards. in my case mil, but that's a whole other book, so wont go down that path today. my mother was brilliant once lo was born, she was with me by due date and stayed on a week after i was out of hosp, i didn't need her to show me how to bond but phsically i really needed the help. i think 2 weeks really is enough and if youre able to get her to understand its the cooking part you need help with you'll be ok. As for time for you and baby, if possible i would suggest you stay at least a night in hosp as it gives you a chance to rest and have one on one with baby before all the relatives do the rounds, it also means when mws do their rounds they will actually show you how to bathe baby or help with bf if needed, so it would be quite easy to say 'thanks mum but they showed me at hosp'. you could also talk to your mw about your concerns as they do hse visits every day when you first get home so, if mum turns out to be a problem mw may be able to have a quiet word in a professional manner about how you and baby need time to bond. i really hope you do manage to sort it as there's nothing worse than interference to dampen the mood of new baby, esp as we all have the baby blues in first few days.
As for romper suit i'd imagine it will be near impossible to get a screaming 12month one in it anyway so it'll look lovely hung in the wardrobe! good luck and congratulations
artygal: my inlaws phoned us and told us it was ok now we could call our lo zachariah as they now approved .... like we actually cared what they thought, i was half tempted to change it just to p*ss them off, they huffed about every name when really its none of their business... also id imagine when burgess gets old enough he'll kick up enough stink himself about nan getting his name wrong

mothers... Aaaarrrggh, lets hope we learn from them and their mistakes

forgot to mention new borns tend to sleep most the time so she wont be able to help you with that much

[Modified by: waiting4baby on May 23, 2008 09:37 AM]

Kezzie79 · May 23, 2008 5:27AM

Hi, your mum sounds just like my MIL, i'm now pregnant with my 4th baby...but when i had my 1st baby 12 yrs ago she was a total nightmare, telling me how to do things and how to feed her. How to put her to sleep. What clothes i should be putting her in (going by the weather). She would come round my home and tell me i'm doing things wrong regardless what th midwife or health visitor has told me, i would tell her no i been told this way, she would then reply well it never my kids doing it that way. I took this for 6 months nearly ever day untill i had found out she had been putting Farleys Rusks into her bottle with her milk. It said on the box not to add to bottles or cups and i read everywhere that you should not add anything to babys milk. I went mad and then I SNAPPED. I went mad at her, she told me " U can't tell me how to suck eggs"...i mean what the hell did that mean, some saying from years before. But that did it, and with all my other lo's she has backed off alot.

Like the advice before I proved her wrong and i could cope and manage fine by myself. All i can say is i wish i had said something right at the start and not left it to mount up over 6 months, it was such a huge weight off of my shoulders.

Well good luck with the rest of your pregnancy and whatever you decide to do. Take care xxx

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eloisesprake · May 23, 2008 5:28AM

Mothers indeed - my mum takes everything so personally there's usually no point trying to have a rational conversation with her. She's admitted she can't be bothered with preparations for the baby but she'll make the right noises once she's born and go home again. I dunno - maybe she'll fall in love with our baby and be inseparable. I know I'll cope better without her support than I cope with the tension. The main thing is that I cut this cycle of mother-daughter madness when it comes to me and my own dd!

Good luck dark chocolate - she sounds a big pain, I wouldn't have her over for a fortnight let alone 6 weeks, but you obviously have the patience of a saint! Karen makes a good point about giving ear-time and then doing your own thing.

My MIL's knitting like mad - not sure how comfy it'll be but it can be worn for a photo and then put away again... perhaps she's just not that good at getting the size right?

dark_chocolate · May 23, 2008 9:32AM

Oh Thank you all so much,

for your advice and for the laughs ive had reading the replies. Not that im laughing at your pain but laughing at the fact that im not the only one suffering !

Mothers not caring enough - involved too much - some are great !- or just plain me me me.

Seems we all have our crosses to bear.

But youve all been so helpful with your advice.
I am just one big hormonal ranting little person at mo so lose my temper very easily, (kezzie79 i dont know how you took it for 6mnths) so i am worried about losing it with her.

She is lovely really, tries toooooo hard though. if you just mention one thing she'll have bought it for you, or if you mention food she'll have cooked it for you !

Laughing about the comments about the romper suit, ive told her not to knit anymore of those so she will be laying off

I do feel bad too as some poeple are not lucky enough , either mums not interested or mums not around, which i think is sad.

I will take the advice given, and good luck to all of you aswell.

Thanks so much xx

treehug · May 24, 2008 4:35AM

why dont you suggest she comes after the first few weeks. Just to give you time to get your hormones on track (and your sanity in check, lol) ? tell her that in the first few weeks you will have oh at home and you have regular visits from the midwife and that her help will be much more appreciated when your left more on your own after this? (which in all honesty it probably would be)

I spent the first 6 months of my prg complaining about what a pain my mum would be when the baby comes and dreading her taking over and telling me im doing stuff wrong...then when i was 27 weeks, she passed away! and now i want her here more than anything!!

so i guess im saying, just try to remember when she is on at you that if she wasnt around you would be much worse off. I think you will be much more confident in telling her to shut her pie hole when your lo is here as you will know that you do know best! good luck hun!
x x

LYNNI · May 24, 2008 5:34AM

My mum has been ok(ish) so far!!! She too is knitting away! My parents are in England and we are here on the IOM so she has offered to come for a week once hubby finishes his paternity leave so I'm not immediately left on my own - we also have 2 dogs so I can see me having my hands full and needing some help at the beginning.

She did my head in when I first announced my pregnancy.... Thought I was bonkers for wanting to resuable nappies but only through her own ignorance and memories of Terry squares, once I spent the time to re-educate her and explain what the 21st Centuary washable nappies are like she has been ok. Although she is hell bent that we use disposables when we go to visit. She still thinks I'm barking for wanting to express my own milk and went out and got me a Taggie toy so I wouldn't use a soother :roll: But I've since learnt using soothers can be problematic if breastfeeding so maybe not entirely a bad thing on her part!! I'll forgive her for that one

My MIL is indifferent, she cares and asks me how I am but she is kinda leaving me to it... Maybe because her other DIL miscarried at 5 months in Janurary and things are still very raw for the family

My mum is going to drive me NUTS !

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