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RANT: The Hurtful/Ignorant Comments People Say to You While You are TTC
the-emperor-of-ice-cream
Regular
Okay ladies, I hope you don't mind, but I need to rant, and if anyone else feels compelled to join in or has other similar stories, please by all means, join in!
So as many of you may know, my husband and I have been TTC since February of this year, so soon it will be almost a full year now, which is extremely frustrating for me. We did technically conceive successfully once, back in early October, but it ended a little after four weeks as a chemical pregnancy/MC, and that has made it ten times more painful and more difficult. I know there are people who have it a lot worse on their TTC journey, but when my husband and I started this journey, neither of us expected it to be this difficult. I mean, everyone is taught as teenagers that one can become pregnant so easily, right? And the rom-coms make it look so easy, too. (laughs bitterly)
Okay, I digress. So anyway, the point of this post is that I made the poor decision of telling family and friends, and while a (select) few have been supportive, especially in light of my MC back in October, others have been less than supportive. Here are some crappy responses I've received that I am so sick of hearing:
1. "Trying to have a baby is like falling in love, it happens slowly and surely, so just relax!" - said to me by a friend who, after I told her I was TTC, wrinkled her nose as if she smelled something sour and replied, "Why would you ever want to have kids? I never want to have kids, ever!" (which, btw, is a totally fine response! As a self-proclaimed feminist, I respect women who do not want kids just as much as I respect women who do want children. But then why would you say something so ignorant and frankly hurtful to me after confessing that you never want kids when you clearly can't relate to the struggles of conceiving, nor do you ever desire to relate?) She has since moved out of state so we no longer talk, but had I had the courage to say more than just "okay," I would have told her that pissing on my hand every cycle just so I can attempt to track my ovulation and sobbing on the ground after an MC is not the way I remember falling in love with my husband. I digress to the next point -
2. "Enjoy the journey!" - said to me TWICE; the first time it was my doctor, and the second time it was one of my good friends from graduate school. The doctor said cheerfully (not sarcastically) and with a huge grin plastered across her face at THE END OF MY FIRST APPOINTMENT AFTER I MISCARRIED, and it felt like rubbing salt in an open, blistered wound, and I managed to run out of the office before exploding into ugly, hot tears in my car. I called my mom and cried the entire way home while she comforted me, and I am hesitant to return to this doctor because it just hurt so much and invalidated my pain during such a difficult time. The second time was my friend, just yesterday, who told me to enjoy the journey of having kids, and again, I had just spoken about the pain of my MC with her, as well, so it felt a bit tone-deaf, to be honest. I think part of this is because my friend, while older with one grown, adult son and grandkids of her own, has never experienced an MC, and she has hinted that her pregnancy was more or less a surprise, so she doesn't relate to the struggle of TTC, either.
3. Last but not least: "Don't stress and worry so much, you won't ever get pregnant that way!" - said to me by countless, countless, countless people, including my own mother at one point, who has thankfully stopped saying this since my MC. This one, while true to an extent, straight up pisses me off; how is being an anxious person going to shrivel up any sperm in my reproductive system and thus reduce my chances of conceiving? Does being naturally anxious or worried from time to time send a message from my brain to my reproductive system? Please, I would love to know. If anything, doesn't it help to be a little more anxious because it means I'm aware of my cycles and I am refraining from drinking alcohol and I am attempting to take care of myself during the two week wait?
Okay now that I have this all typed up and I've reread it and I look extremely bitter and angry and upset, I will say I do feel a bit better lol. Part of me just needed to get this all out here because literally no one else in my life (aside from my husband) understands since they are either A. Extremely fertile and fall pregnant (and stay pregnant!) easily and quickly, or B. Not interested in having children.
Anyone else relate to any of these? Or is there anything that people say to you that pisses you off in terms of TTC? I'm all ears!
So as many of you may know, my husband and I have been TTC since February of this year, so soon it will be almost a full year now, which is extremely frustrating for me. We did technically conceive successfully once, back in early October, but it ended a little after four weeks as a chemical pregnancy/MC, and that has made it ten times more painful and more difficult. I know there are people who have it a lot worse on their TTC journey, but when my husband and I started this journey, neither of us expected it to be this difficult. I mean, everyone is taught as teenagers that one can become pregnant so easily, right? And the rom-coms make it look so easy, too. (laughs bitterly)
Okay, I digress. So anyway, the point of this post is that I made the poor decision of telling family and friends, and while a (select) few have been supportive, especially in light of my MC back in October, others have been less than supportive. Here are some crappy responses I've received that I am so sick of hearing:
1. "Trying to have a baby is like falling in love, it happens slowly and surely, so just relax!" - said to me by a friend who, after I told her I was TTC, wrinkled her nose as if she smelled something sour and replied, "Why would you ever want to have kids? I never want to have kids, ever!" (which, btw, is a totally fine response! As a self-proclaimed feminist, I respect women who do not want kids just as much as I respect women who do want children. But then why would you say something so ignorant and frankly hurtful to me after confessing that you never want kids when you clearly can't relate to the struggles of conceiving, nor do you ever desire to relate?) She has since moved out of state so we no longer talk, but had I had the courage to say more than just "okay," I would have told her that pissing on my hand every cycle just so I can attempt to track my ovulation and sobbing on the ground after an MC is not the way I remember falling in love with my husband. I digress to the next point -
2. "Enjoy the journey!" - said to me TWICE; the first time it was my doctor, and the second time it was one of my good friends from graduate school. The doctor said cheerfully (not sarcastically) and with a huge grin plastered across her face at THE END OF MY FIRST APPOINTMENT AFTER I MISCARRIED, and it felt like rubbing salt in an open, blistered wound, and I managed to run out of the office before exploding into ugly, hot tears in my car. I called my mom and cried the entire way home while she comforted me, and I am hesitant to return to this doctor because it just hurt so much and invalidated my pain during such a difficult time. The second time was my friend, just yesterday, who told me to enjoy the journey of having kids, and again, I had just spoken about the pain of my MC with her, as well, so it felt a bit tone-deaf, to be honest. I think part of this is because my friend, while older with one grown, adult son and grandkids of her own, has never experienced an MC, and she has hinted that her pregnancy was more or less a surprise, so she doesn't relate to the struggle of TTC, either.
3. Last but not least: "Don't stress and worry so much, you won't ever get pregnant that way!" - said to me by countless, countless, countless people, including my own mother at one point, who has thankfully stopped saying this since my MC. This one, while true to an extent, straight up pisses me off; how is being an anxious person going to shrivel up any sperm in my reproductive system and thus reduce my chances of conceiving? Does being naturally anxious or worried from time to time send a message from my brain to my reproductive system? Please, I would love to know. If anything, doesn't it help to be a little more anxious because it means I'm aware of my cycles and I am refraining from drinking alcohol and I am attempting to take care of myself during the two week wait?
Okay now that I have this all typed up and I've reread it and I look extremely bitter and angry and upset, I will say I do feel a bit better lol. Part of me just needed to get this all out here because literally no one else in my life (aside from my husband) understands since they are either A. Extremely fertile and fall pregnant (and stay pregnant!) easily and quickly, or B. Not interested in having children.
Anyone else relate to any of these? Or is there anything that people say to you that pisses you off in terms of TTC? I'm all ears!
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But anyway, thank you for reading this and thank you for your encouragement It feels so validating to receive this kind of support on this forum. And I am so sorry someone said those comments to you in the past! Like you said, that really isn't anyone's business, and that isn't selfish or rude of you if you both only wanted one child. Again, I don't know why people's comments floor me, but they truly do sometimes!! It's like people don't think before they speak or something...
My mom doesn't know we are trying (we've also been trying since February) and she always makes comments about how easily she got pregnancy and that when I'm ready it will happen like that (she snaps) and I want to just scream at her.
My friends who aren't mom's tell me to just enjoy my time and "it will happen when it's meant to"
I think they mean well, but just don't know what to say. I won't tell you to relax, because I know what this feels like, but I do know why people say that. When you stress your body produces cortisol hormone which leads to Immune, Digestive and Reproductive suppression. So that's what they mean, but I have yet to find a way to just "enjoy the process" when the process leaves me sobbing on the floor wondering what's wrong with me and why is this so hard.
I wish you the best of luck and baby dust
Thank you for responding and sharing with me on this post. I am so sorry to hear you have been TTC since February and struggling, as well. I will also hope for the best for you and your journey!
My only advice really, which actually probably isn't very helpful, is to stop talking to people about it. I found a little bit of relief when I just starting to ignore the subject completely with people who didn't really understand how I felt, and worked out who the few were who I can still let my feelings out too that would have a bit of compassion.
When I miscarried, the doctor at the hospital basically told me id lost the pregnancy and that I was healthy enough to try again whenever and to get out. I know she'll have to deal with it every day but a little empathy for my first loss and pregnancy would have gone a long way - I don't understand the way some people are but hey ho, you can't change them I suppose!
Anyway, I really hope you and your husband are okay 💖
after my early miscarriage I found myself comfort eating, not a lot, but just popping to the vending machine at work for a bit of chocolate (you know how it is 😊) anyways when I was on my way I said I’m starving today (slight exaggeration of words but who cares) and the reply I got was “your not pregnant are you” instantly my blood was boiling! Your not pregnant?! Excuse me?! I’m a married woman, I have every right to be pregnant. Anyway I saw read and I made the b***h feel as awkward as she made me, I replied with “I was but lost it” and carried on. Rant over. I’m currently in the TWW but to all of you who have conceived I hope you have a healthy 9 months and to those of you still trying to conceive I wish you lots of baby dust xx
My worst experience when TTC has unfortunately ended in having 2 missed miscarriages in a row... BUT to the doctors/gynaecologist/nurses etc etc my baby (i call it my baby no matter how many weeks i was) was referred to as a 'PRODUCT' OR 'TISSUE'
'THE PRODUCT IS STILL INSIDE SO WE NEED TO GET RID OF ALL THE PRODUCT INSIDE U'
'THERE IS STILL TISSUE LEFT INSIDE U'
They dont refer to the miscarriage as a baby they simply call IT pieces of tissue or product. I dont know why but for me personally i found that really hard to digest as i felt i couldnt grieve properly. As i felt stupid/silly crying over so called product. Now 6months later i am trying to be alot stronger but every time a due date is nearing i feel so sad and upset...
Also the 'friends' who i have told they just say oh well this celebrity or this person had a baby at 40 etc etc. I am 35 and have no kids. 99% of my friends are married with kids. And they constantly ask why u havent had kids yet blah blah. They dont understand the struggle... anyway enough of my rant.
I wish u all alot of magic baby dust and hope whoever is TTC u will get some very good news and if u have already concieved i pray u have a healthy pregnancy and make it to full term and have beautiful healthy babies 🙏🙏🙏🙏
What frustrates me is that several people around me are having babies, some of whom say it was 'unplanned'or 'just happened'. It is especially hurtful and infuriating when it is people who do not lead healthy lifestyles who smoke/do drugs etc and arent even trying and here I am being as healthy as possible and never done anything like that, tracking ovulation, taking supplements etc. It has led me to actually be quite bitter and not want to see those friends anymore
Like you say, it is crazy how as teenagers we are told how easy getting pregnant is and seeing all these programmes like 'teen mom' seem to make it look so easy too. But from all of us in here who are struggling, it does make me wonder how anyone ever gets pregnant!
Sorry, that was a bit of a rant for me too! Hope you feel better soon and will keep my fingers crossed for you xxx
I fully support your rant and if you ever need a rant feel free to message me as this is a sore point for me too!!
Keeping everything crossed for you xx
ive been ttc since December 2017, have had 2 MC this year one in april and one in October.
the bit that pisses me off is when people say "oh your still young you have plenty of time" I don't care how old I am I have been trying for a reason and that's because I want a baby now not when im older.
or "don't worry just try again". like ive already had 2 MC do you think I want to keep going through this, everytime you see that second line I feel so much excitement but also dread of oh gosh what if its not good news again this time.
I do think it comes down to people feeling awkward and not really knowing what to say which I do understand, especially men.
im 27, never smoked very rarely drink maybe a couple times of year so I don't understand why its so hard for me to keep a baby.
We were trying for a little over a year before i fell pregnant. I kept it quiet but at first my husband told people we were trying. When it didn't happen immediately he started getting jokes about how he was "firing blanks" etc and it made him feel awful. It's not supportive and not somebody's punch line.
Wishing you all the very best and that you get the outcome you're hoping for soon xx
Our parents, a few friends and some coworkers know that we are trying but sometimes they still say the most ridiculous or insensitive things! Some of the highlights of these have been:
'are you going to have kids soon as you will be an old mother you know' (I'm 31 by the way!)
'Just relax and it will happen'
'Stop trying and it will happen'
'Are you having enough sex?'
And the one which made me really panic only last week 'you guys better hurry up, it took me 10 years of trying and 2 rounds of IVF to have kids'
I know they mean well but at this point I'm already terrified we might be infertile so it really doesn't help at all!!
Sending you baby dust!
See, now I’m ranting