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Birth and post-birth still gets to me
Hi
I just wanted to ask if anyone knows of a site where people discuss difficult births and how it has affected them?
I had a rough time just b4 Matthew was born and afterwards and, although i feel much better now, it still gets to me and i keep telling people about then feeling stupid for going over it.
Anyway, can anyone suggest anything, or should i just try and move on and look to the future?
Thanks :roll:
I just wanted to ask if anyone knows of a site where people discuss difficult births and how it has affected them?
I had a rough time just b4 Matthew was born and afterwards and, although i feel much better now, it still gets to me and i keep telling people about then feeling stupid for going over it.
Anyway, can anyone suggest anything, or should i just try and move on and look to the future?
Thanks :roll:
0
Replies
I was frightened to tell anyone at first how I felt incase they thot I was mad or that I didn't want my baby but noone reacted like that at all.
I hope all goes well for you.
First congratulations on your baby. I can not say how anyone might feel after a difficult birth because I really did get off lucky. Even then I still have felt the need to talk about it. It is well documented in psychology that after such a major life changing even that anyone, especially a hormone filled woman, needs to discuss and come to terms with the event they came through. Don't feel guilty or ashamed that you feel the need to talk about your birth. I mean the brith of my daughters has had to be the biggest, most life changing important events that have ever happened to me, so it seems perfectly resonable to want to try to feel more comfortable with something so big and hard to place as any sort of everyday event. So I would say talk away, I'd love to listen and the ladies on this forum are great. Perhaps if you felt like you were out of control during your birth then maybe what you are trying to attain is a level of feeling okay about not having any control. Very scary, and not easy. I can't recommend any books myself but I bet amazon might have a few good reads to reassure you that you aren't alone.
Best wishes and I hope that time eases things for you. xx
Thanks so much for taking the time to reply. I think i had a bit of PND for the first 2 months but now i just tend to get down here and there.
The worst thing seems to be when other people are having their babies, or talking about their birth stories and saying how much they fell in love with their LOs/love them now. I didn't have that immed bond and didn't get to feel love towards Matthew for a 8-10 weeks. I still feel bad and guilty because i didn't bond with him straight away and i got so very low and upset a lot of the time. I had a rough time pre- birth, labour and post-birth and had got quite poorly, so logically i know why i found it difficult, just in my heart i still feel bad sometimes.
I wanted a natural as poss birth, and that all went out the window (no-one's fault) and i wanted to b feed and that went wrong too. I also feel bad cos i wasn't able to deliver Matthew myself. Really what happened was the best for Matthew and me and he's a very healthy and happy baby. I just can't seem to completely let all the difficult times around his birth and my first feelings about him go.
Thanks for listening,
Juliette )
I can honestly now say that I didn't feel a bond for my daughter until she was about 2 and a haf- I don't feel guilty saying this I am being honest. It just hit me one day like a bolt out of the blue and I haven't looking back.
Just because I hadn't bonded with her before this time does not mean in any way that she wasn't loved or cared for or special to me coz she was but my maternal feelings towards her just took time to develop. I would never have admitted this at the time because I was too frightened of people thinking I was a bad mother which I now know I'm not.
I'm not saying you should tell all your family and friends in a loud voice I DON'T LOVE MY BABY coz you do but maybe talk to one or two people who are close to you get it off your chest but do not feel guilty. As for breatfeeding I gave this up because I found it too sore and then my child ended up in hospital with a milk allergy I was devastated and blamed myself at the time but how on earth was I to know.
Guilt is a mothers biggest nightmare coz we seem to spend our lives feeling guilty really try not to coz at the end of the day you are trying your best and thats all anyone- including yourself should expect of you.
I'll try and chat to one or two people and see if i can put my demons away.
xxxx
Happily my 3rd and 4th were better experiences although i was quite shocked and upset after isaac as he was so quick and i got sent home from hospital less than 2 hours before he was born being told i wasnt in labour (without being examined) then he was nearly born in the car. Our hospital has a birth afterthoughts service where you can discuss aspects of your labour, birth and postnatal care, i did that and it really helped, ring your hv and see if your hospital offer the same service, if not you can always come on here and have a chat. Take care Hayley x
My labour was very traumatic & drawn out too with a lot of intervention & an hour after birth lo was wisked off for a couple of days into special care so I think this factored into the lack of feeling in the beginning too.
Even now I can still be quite detached, like when he is really crying & my mum will be fretting over it & I am just not that bothered. I know I will be able to settle him & that he will be ok so I don't get in a state over it. Is that normal, do other mums feel like that??
Don't get me wrong, I love him with all my heart now & would happily kill anyone who tried ot hurt him & even if I lost everything, as long as he was ok it wouldn't matter so the feelings came along in the end but even though I didn't have any pnd I did have baby blues about a week after he was born & the labour process was the only thing I kept thinking about & getting weepy over so I really beleive that the traumatic labour was a massive factor in this lack of feeling.
Dunno, ramble ramble. It's good to write this actually, like therapy or something
It's so very reassuring and comforting that other people had births etc that haunt them, made them feel down, and also that you didn't all get that TV immediate bond! Obviously, I'm saddened that you feel low and struggled with your LOs too, but it's v kind of you to be honest here and has really helped me. So thank you all very much. )
Annieuk I am feeling ok at the mo but do tend to worry about everything and if things go a bit worng some days i can get teary or low, but i need to get some strategies to counter that.
Sarahlou i know what you mean about not wanting to moan - I felt like that too!
Hayley l i too would have been happy for someone to have come to the door and just taken Matthew, i feel so bad saying it but that;s how i felt. I'm reassured to know it never stopped you having more children.
Beebee i too have the 'not bothered' feelings sometimes, esp when he's really grizzly and i don't know why. It also seems that my neighbours make him laugh more than me, which gets me down at times.
Enough rambling on from me. Thanks again and keep smiling everyone. Maybe we didn't bond straight away but we all love our LOs and are ding our best (Oscar speech LOL!!!) xxxx
Just thought i'd post that i got really upset at clinic yesterday ( no realreason, just everything!) and so my HV came round to day. We talked over the whole birth thing again (and other stuff) and it did help.
Luckily i have a team of GREAT and very kind HVs here - they've been really supportive. Hope everyone is doing ok.
Juliette (feeling more today!)