Relationship after a baby.
My relationship seems to be going to pot at the moment. I dont think my oh understands that our baby comes first now (he's 5 weeks old)
I don't know what to do really. He's great sometimes but others he is crap. He just doesn't "get" that we are a family now and have to sacrifice some things. He has a classic car and wanted to drive it when we went out a week or 2 ago but the car seat wouldnt fit any of the seats so he threw a complete tantrum, banged the baby seat (with lo in it) down on the floor (not too hard, but carelessly) and said "I never wanted a f***ing kid, I can't do anything I want, its all your fault" (or words 2 that effect).
He is angry all the time and it scares me sometimes. Just about little things like losing a car park ticket, not fitting the car seat, etc, but it's OTT and he takes it out on me and Gabe. Nothing I say calms him down when hes like that so I just dont say anything and it passes but it drives me MAD. I don't want our son to have a father with such a ridiculous temper who throws tantrums like a toddler. He was like that before we had our son too though.
Just now he went mental at me because I put a few things away just before feeding my lo and had a quick sip of water. Literally i was about 30 seconds doing this. He said "OH FINE I'll feed you cos your mum things other things are more important", acting like i was neglecting him, grabbed the bottle and started to feed him, acting like it was a big pain doing so because he wanted to mess around with his car.
He never stops pestering me for sex as well which is pissing me off. We had sex 3 weeks after our lo's birth which I think is pretty good going but no apparently not. If I dont have sex with him he'll whinge for ages and NEVER shuts up about it! Its lucky that I still enjoy it, but sometimes feel like I cant be bothered.
I dunno what to do cos i cant put up with his bad temper any longer!!!!! I am so calm and patient with him that I just get so frustrated doing it.
I don't know what to do really. He's great sometimes but others he is crap. He just doesn't "get" that we are a family now and have to sacrifice some things. He has a classic car and wanted to drive it when we went out a week or 2 ago but the car seat wouldnt fit any of the seats so he threw a complete tantrum, banged the baby seat (with lo in it) down on the floor (not too hard, but carelessly) and said "I never wanted a f***ing kid, I can't do anything I want, its all your fault" (or words 2 that effect).
He is angry all the time and it scares me sometimes. Just about little things like losing a car park ticket, not fitting the car seat, etc, but it's OTT and he takes it out on me and Gabe. Nothing I say calms him down when hes like that so I just dont say anything and it passes but it drives me MAD. I don't want our son to have a father with such a ridiculous temper who throws tantrums like a toddler. He was like that before we had our son too though.
Just now he went mental at me because I put a few things away just before feeding my lo and had a quick sip of water. Literally i was about 30 seconds doing this. He said "OH FINE I'll feed you cos your mum things other things are more important", acting like i was neglecting him, grabbed the bottle and started to feed him, acting like it was a big pain doing so because he wanted to mess around with his car.
He never stops pestering me for sex as well which is pissing me off. We had sex 3 weeks after our lo's birth which I think is pretty good going but no apparently not. If I dont have sex with him he'll whinge for ages and NEVER shuts up about it! Its lucky that I still enjoy it, but sometimes feel like I cant be bothered.
I dunno what to do cos i cant put up with his bad temper any longer!!!!! I am so calm and patient with him that I just get so frustrated doing it.
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Replies
its tough with a new born and an oh to keep happy. take today for example kirk was at work from 8am til 2.30pm i have been up with summer since 3am she went to sleep at 8.45 for a total of 20 mins and she is still awake now so kirk comes in and gets straight on his lap top and doesnt help with her at all he also doesnt get up with her at nite so i feel like a single mum right now!!!!!
i hope u manage to sort ur oh out i dunno what im gonna do with mine!!!
1)if he doesnt seem to listen to you...have u tried writing it in a letter to him? might hit home better. could suggest anger management classess if he cant control himself..shouldnt take it out on lo either (re banging the car seat down).
2) tell him it takes 2 to produce a child so he shares the same responsibility as you. how did he react to u being pregnant? i think hes got to realise that he needs to grow up a bit and act like a daddt and not just a father. let him no him can have some lad time later but right now gabe and family should be his top priority.
3) does ur hubby have a specific activity with gabe that he does rather than you sch as bath time? at first my hubby didnt appear to be spending much time with our daughter so i made sure he bathed her as i am bf. we do it together, he holds her and i wash. he has started doing it on his own now.
also, i used to puth her in his arms whilst i cooked dinner and things so he had no choice but to look after her. He seems to have bonded with her now, and yesterday he took her out of my arms. was surprised but also pleased.
4)sex - i know what u mean. we also did it first at 3 wks, i was going to hold out til 6. but he was like we havent had it for 6 wks. did it 1 a wk before buirth, so was a long time for him!! im not surewhat to say on that one. hmmmmm...cos we are a young couple too...
hope something it what i have written may have helped. all the best xxx
[Modified by: Bumpety Bump on June 14, 2008 06:32 PM]
David had been a coal miner from when he was 18 until Erin was born and he was about 34 and he worked all shifts on and off, but mainly night shift.
When he was 35 and Erin was 7 mths David had an offer to work in Mines Rescue which meant a drastic pay reduction but an immense change in life style (eg from $150k AUD to $90k AUD) but to only work day shift eg 6 am to 4pm.
We had to have a massive change of lifestyle considering just before Erin was born i went from working fulltime to nothing and losing about $30k AUD.
I think now, even though david's pay has gradually increased over 5 years, the fact that he gave up his high paying job with bad shift work to being home just about every afternoon and playing with his girls is irreplaceable.
I guess my point is that money and a crap work lifestyle can never replace the time with your family. You learn to make do with less.
Good luck, Shell
if he cannot appreciate that he has a wonderful partner and child then he should NOT have them. you have a lot on your plate and you work hard to please him. i think this is a form of domestic abuse, i know you may not think so but it is and there are no excuses. you have tried speaking to him but he wont listen. sit down and think about all the things he does and ask yourself "is this right". does he treat you hw you think you should be treated or are you and your son a burden to him.
you could leave or kick him out if you come to the conclusion that you and your baby should be treated better, but you have to make that decision. if it was me, and man who banged my childs carseat down with him in it and yelled that he never wanted that child would be out the door and out of my life forever.
good luck hun and remember this isnt normal behaviour and you deserve much better
Hope things get better soon xx
when he used to have his tantrums just after blake was born (about lack of sleep/less sex - although we first had sex again just 4 days after i gave birth!/lack of bonding (he was a bit nervous of doing things for blake as he thought he may hurt him by accident, plus i was and still am breastfeeding so he couldnt join in with that) i told him in no uncertain terms that he had to buck up his ideas, he was a daddy and i would not tolerate his behaviour the way i had before blake was born!
now we very rarely get any probs, and our relationship is much better for it. the only problem we get is that blake refuses to sleep unless he is in our bed (my fault for constantly wanting to cuddle him as a baby!!) so sex is out of the question unless is during the day when blake is napping! and the crying during the night he has never got used to and it still irritates him but we have sorted that out by setting up a futon in the spare room for him to kip on until i settle blake then he comes back to bed when blakes asleep.
hope things get better for you xxx
It does sound like he's having probelms adjusting to family life - I assume he asked if it was ok if he could have a night out last night or did he just leave you to it?
I hope you can sort things out & he can learn to control his temper. Your son will look up to his father and it would not be good for him to think that shouting & being angry is how to get attention. Saying all that though I've been horrible to my oh for the past few days (see my post hormones from hell) so I suppose I'm being bit of a hyprocrite. I'm not normally nasty tempered just suffering with pmt I think! There's lots of emotions to go through when having a baby - both for mother & father.
[Modified by: ccbmommy on June 15, 2008 11:03 AM]