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not baby related but what would you do?

Hi ladies

As some of you know my dad passed away suddenly just before new years eve. its been a horrible 5 weeks and lots of dark times. I have 3 really close best friends 2 of them know each other (we all went to uni) and the other i have known for 15 years. My oldest friend knew my dad well and was my maid of honour at our wedding plus her husband use to meet my dad down the pub at the weekend.

Well I have only heard form her once since he passed away she called about 3 weeks after it happened to see if i wanted to come to a play day with her kids then just didnt ask about dad till i started talking about him. She was the first person I called when it happened so she knew.

She never turned up to the funeral, never texted to say she couldnt come, then to make it worse i find out her husband hasnt been working since Xmas so there was no reason for her not to come as he could have had the kids. My other friends live quite far away but one has come down loads and i see the other every week.

What would you do? I want to call her and ask why she hasnt been in touch or supported me but i thnk i sound selfish. other part of me thinks i just shouldnt bother with her anymore - but im godparent to her kids.

im just gutted she hasnt text or called and feel like she doesnt care or even bothered that my dad has passed away.

i get so angry when i think about it but then think ' well it wasnt her dad so why would she be bothered'

she has lost family in the past and ive been there for her she also had a miscarrage which was hard but i offered her all the support i could.

am i wrong to be so angry? what would you do? i just feel so hurt by her xxx

(oops sorry for long post)


  • I lost my dad in Feb last year so i know how you feel! some people avoid you because they don't know what to say and although it no excuse mybe she is suffering from deprestion herself if her dh is out of work? maybe she can't cope? just a thought. If i were you i would leave it for a while until you feel better able to cope then go and see her? I am sorry for your loss. Michelle x
  • Its not wrong to be angry, but in times like this its easy to blame or get angry for the wrong reasons.

    She may have a perfectly good reason for not going to the funeral or she genuinly didn't feel comfortable with going.
    Maybe she didn't know the day/time etc of the funeral. There couldv'e been lots of reasons.

    I agree that i wouldv'e been really nice for her to have been there and supported you but you can't beat yourself up about it all.

    There are more things to worry about in life. You could try to forget about your friend not going to the funeral for a while? Ignore it until the subject is brought up.

    Its alrso very easy to get into arguments when emotions are so raw. Concentrate on yourself and your family first. Don't 'ignore" her (to me its a bit petty - but thats only the way i feel). Theres probably a very good explanation.

    Chin up.

  • Sorry to hear you lost your dad, I don't blame you for being angry but maybe she feels she wouldn't be able to help you or that it would be difficult for her having dealt with her own bereavements. She may be having a really difficult time because of her hubby and want to see you as her loving and supportive friend but know that you've got your own things to deal with and that your grief over your dad probably means she feels her problems are insignificant in comparison whereas in reality if her hubbys lost his job they might be facing severe financial stress or even losing their home. Maybe he had a big interview on the day and thats why he couldn't look after the kids for her.
    I don't mean to defend her but perhaps there is a reason. don't dwell and don't lose your friend over it. maybe she has assumed that if you wanted her you would call her - maybe just invite her over for coffee and see how it goes.
  • Just read my own post and thought i sounded like a right heartless bitch. So apologies! I'm really sorry for your loss aswell, its the hardest thing to lose a family member.

  • thats ok, her husband is self employed and had a contract set up for end of January so was kind of taking a month off. She is quite wrapped up in her own life always has been you know like never really asking what i been up to, or about work etc but she had her kids quite young and as her husband job quite good she doesnt have to work but she finds it hard to understand others that have a career and kids but generally is all me me me with her thats kinda why im getting a little upset by her thanks for your replies xxx
  • I'm sorry to hear you've had to deal with these things. Is it possible that she's taking the "give her space and she'll come to me if she wants to talk about it" approach? Probably not from what you say about her, but I know that I've had a nasty shock in the past when one of my friends asked why I hadn't been there for her after her own dad died - I had deliberately been giving her a lot of space as she's a very private person and thought she'd appreciate it. I was horrified when she asked me, I felt like a terrible friend even though I'd been thinking of her lots and was trying to be sensitive.

    Is it worth asking her, without getting angry or upset, why you haven't heard from her in a while?
  • Hi hun, i remember you posting about losing your dad, i am very sorry for your loss. I lost my mum in March, i can totally understand why you are angry. my friends were all very good...sometimes too much so as they all wanted to come and see me and i didnt really want that. My dad however hasnt been there for us at all and that makes me really angry. they were seperated, he went on holiday instead of coming to the funeral and didint even ring to ask how we were. we no longer speak because of his lack of support! I agree with pinktoothbrush that maybe she is doing the 'space' thing and trying to help by not fussing over you. If it bothers you a lot you should ask her because she may not even realise she's not been there.
    i hope you are getting the support you need from your family and other friends tho, i didnt deal with things properly because i was pregnant and just felt i had to get on with things cos the baby was due 3 months after...but you need time to grieve. make sure you do and dont feeel guilty about needing that time for yourself
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