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opinions required please- long post sorry

hi all, i am asking for your opinions on a matter regarding my nephews. i have two nephews one aged 4 years and the other aged 2 years. my 2 year old nephew has suspected epilepsy and we have been told he also has learning difficulties and behavoural problems. he is very violent towards the 4 year old nephew when they are at home, at mine or their grandmas house, constantly biting, hitting, kicking and throwing toys at him. my sister is a single mum and finds it difficult to cope with them due to the youngest ones behavour.
so heres were your opinions are needed. both myself and my mum have taken the oldest nephew for a few days to give both him and his mum a break but today a behavioural support worker has said we (me and my mum) have caused all the problems by not taking the youngest nephew aswell. thing is im 38 weeks pregnant and had him last month over night he didnt sleep, threw things at me tried biting me and was generally very violent the entire time i had him. he is exactly the same when my mum takes him over night as well even if he is on his own but when he stays with his mum and the 4 yr old isnt there he behaves perfectly.
do you think we are doing right by taking the four year old away for a break or do you agree? i dont mind what response you post just an honest opinion would be great as we are finding it difficult to take the word of someone who doesnt have a qualification as such and who has had children who didnt have special needs. the boys father hasnt even seen the 2 year and my sister has no contact with his side of the family so we thought we were helping.
thanx in advance.


  • Hi hon, I think it's very nice of you to take the eldest to give him a break, especially at nearly term, but I'm not really sure what I think to be honest.
    My youngest brother has the same issues at 22, but is much better managed on Ritalin (very contraversial I know). My other brother and I are older than him by a few years, and really struggled to deal with the fact that our mum (also a single parent) had to give him more attention. I'm not sure it's a bad thing for the brothers to be apart for a while, if for no other reason than to let your sister have a break to regain her sanity to be the best parent she can be, especially being both parents to her boys! My only concern is that does she get any time alone completely, without either of them to recharge as it were?!
    I don't see how it will cause the problem if you're fair with the time, i.e having each of them to stay a different times and treating them both the same. What does the behavioural therapist think will happen when the oldest goes to school??!!
    Sorry I'm not being particularly clear! Night duty messes my head up a bit lol!
    Well done you for being a supportive sister!! x
  • my mum and dad have put the youngest into nursery for 2 days a week on the same days that the eldest goes. we dont take the youngest over night but we do take him through the day purely because he will not sleep when not at home.
  • my mum and dad have put the youngest into nursery for 2 days a week on the same days that the eldest goes. we dont take the youngest over night but we do take him through the day purely because he will not sleep when not at home.
  • Hi. I don't have any exact experience of this, but as my job I have looked after 2 little boys over the last 5 years (not at the same time) with varying special needs. I absolutely do not think your family have caused this problem by looking after the eldest. I think a child with behavioural difficulties can be emotionally draining on the strongest of families and it is fantastic that the 4 year old can get some 'time out' to be himself. I think (from what you have said, and I am no expert by any means and I don't want to criticise the behavioural expert) that the youngest nephews needs are alot deeper rooted than sibling rivalry/jealousy.
    I think your sister is very fortunate to have you and your parents support and if the little help you are giving enables her to refresh and be a stronger mother than that is much better for all involved.

    One of the little boys I looked after was from a very wealthy family, with a full time nanny and 'staff' at home and his mother still broke down on me one day. My point is that the strongest of us need support at some time and this is what you are doing.

    Sorry if I have offended anyone.

    Good luck with your pregnancy and your nephews. You really sound like a great family.
  • Hey hun Sorry to g/c but your behavioural support worker is Completely out of order by saying what he did and is being completely unprofessional. I would report him if I were you. He is meant to be there to support you not criticise you and your mum for helping!You are supporting your sister fabulously and giving the boys much needed time apart. I would imagine him only being a NVQ qualified at the most as his job title isn't a senior in his field. I work at a Special needs school (working with children and young people with severe autism and challenging behaviours ) , basically its a charity and we have the kids that even local authority special needs schools can't meet their needs as they are required 2:1 staffing! your sister is lucky to have family who are supportive hun xx
  • Hiya, i think the support worker is wrong to criticise, but i just wanted to tell you my experience. I have an autistic 4 year old, and he is much the same as your nephew, he has violent tantrums and is very hard work! and i have to be honest, his behaviour is worse when people take his older brother out but never take him. He becomes agressive to his brother, and once they've gone i am left dealing with a mighty screaming fit because he wants to go too. And i also sometimes feel like i'm missing out on quality time with my oldest because we cant take him out on his own to do the fun things everybody else gets to do with him because nobody will have Luca!
    but that is just my experience, and as you say, your nephew behaves well at home when his brother is not there, so it would lead me to think he's happier at home! Have you tried having him at his house while your sister takes your older nephew out to do something with him? How does he behave then?
    I think its great that you're helping your sister out, and as you say, if you've found this is the best way for everyone to get a break then carry on! Its easy for someone else to come in and say where you're going wrong, but as he's not there 24-7 i dont see how he can know whats best to be honest xxxx
  • yeah we let my sister go out with the eldest on her own and have the youngest at her house but he screams from her leaving the house to her returning and theres no consoling him he wont play or do anything except scream and throw himself on the floor or into a wall sometimes he throws himself down and repeatedly head butts the floor. when she returns with the eldest the violence towards him starts. its heart breaking to watch and all we think is hes going to head butt the floor that hard hes going to end up in hospital.

    apparently the behavioural therapist isnt qualified as such she works for sure start as a family support worker so specialises in behaviour problems but i dont think they are actually qualified. only found this out yesterday!!!!

    thank you for replying and words of support.
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