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How to deal with stupid comments.
My daughter was born with a left sided cleft lip and palate. She is 9 months old now, had her surgery on her lip and nose at 4 months. She looks beautiful even before her surgery. My question is how do you deal with idiots that think they can put their two cents in about they way she looks. The first bad comment was from a doctor where I work. Before her surgery I took her to work to see the girls I work with and the doctor came up to her, looked at her and said "what wrong with her nose" he sounded disgusted. I was left speechless, the charge nurse kind of let him have it. Another time my husband took her, after her surgery, out for coffee with a few of his friends. This guy comes in, sits down at a booth next to them, takes one look at her and asks "what's wrong with her lip?". My husband just polietly stated " There is nothing wrong with her lip, I don't know what your talking about" hoping the guy would get the hint and shut up. No he doesn't, he is yelling at this point and states " yes there is, I noticed right away, maybe your wife should have breastfed because she damaged her lip with the bottle or did your wife hit her.?'
My husband at this point was trying very hard to keep his cool, his friends at the table told this guy off and he left. We had other minor stupid comments made like when we got her picture done with santa at christmas. It was before her surgery, two old witches were standing there, watching and I heard them ask each other "why the hell would the parents want a picture?" Or before her surgery, we would go out to eat someone at another table would walk by to go to the bathroom and when they get back to the table magically everyone at the table had to go to the bathroom, they would walk by our table and we can see them looking, like we would not notice, this had happened also with the restruant staff, this one time when we went out I think everyone that worked there asked if we needed more water or something else.
How do you deal with stuff like this. We don't want to go through life telling people off or beating them up. My daughter is too young to be affected by it now, I'm afraid that when she gets older and starts to understand what people are saying and doing it's going to affect her and the we react to the stupid things people say and do is going to affect how she is going to deal with it. She is such a happy person and I don't want that to change.
Sorry for the rant but I just had to get it off my chest.
My husband at this point was trying very hard to keep his cool, his friends at the table told this guy off and he left. We had other minor stupid comments made like when we got her picture done with santa at christmas. It was before her surgery, two old witches were standing there, watching and I heard them ask each other "why the hell would the parents want a picture?" Or before her surgery, we would go out to eat someone at another table would walk by to go to the bathroom and when they get back to the table magically everyone at the table had to go to the bathroom, they would walk by our table and we can see them looking, like we would not notice, this had happened also with the restruant staff, this one time when we went out I think everyone that worked there asked if we needed more water or something else.
How do you deal with stuff like this. We don't want to go through life telling people off or beating them up. My daughter is too young to be affected by it now, I'm afraid that when she gets older and starts to understand what people are saying and doing it's going to affect her and the we react to the stupid things people say and do is going to affect how she is going to deal with it. She is such a happy person and I don't want that to change.
Sorry for the rant but I just had to get it off my chest.
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Replies
Will she need more surgeries? Poor little tike atleast you are getting the horrid surgeries out of the way early when she will hardly remember. It sounds like you might have a tough road ahead I would be worried about school kids can be so cruel but if you are getting the surgery out of the way now she would be fine by then wouldn't she? I don't know much about it so sorry if I sound awful but I am trying to get a realistic view on this. I have seen cleft lips in photos before and it doesn't look like anything that can't be fixed it seems wierd people would be so hung up about it. I don't know about cleft palates though. I had to have a CVS (genetic test) on my unborn baby today and its a pretty good chance the child has a genetic problem as I said to my friend who's baby has hearing problems if at the end of this all my child comes out with is what your baby has I will count it as a blessing. If you feel ok about it you should post some photos of your little girl so we can see how stupid these people are being I bet she is so cute and don't forget the next time they ask about her lip the appropriate responce is "what happened to your face" lol see how quick they shut up.
We are thinking for the revision the sooner the better but absolutly before she starts school, as you stated kids can be mean. I swear the day someone calls her or states she has a 'hare lip' is the day I will lose it.
She will also need a bone graft of her jaw when her adult teeth start coming in at about 9 yrs old. The cleft clinic stated that most girls have their nose redone just before they graduate from high school or when they hit late teens. We are hoping she will only need about 3 surgeries but we don't know how her teeth are going to come in and if she will need oral surgery to fix any teeth problems. I'm so glad plastic surgery has come a long way. A guy I used to work with was born with a very bad cleft lip and palate, he stated he had about 25 surgeries and still can have more done. He also stated the 25 surgeries he had would probably done in 5 in this day and age.
I have tried to upload a picture of her but this site keep saying the size is too big. Will try again later.
My son is visually impaired and was blind up until 9 months, I had so much trouble accepting it as there wasn't a clear diagnosis and people would cobstantly try waving and cooing and doing all the usual baby things. At first I used to not say anything and let them think what they want to think, then I began if someone was rude about it just being really blunt and telling them he was 'blind' and walking off, it made them feel incredibly small.
I think in your case you need to accept the she has a cleft lip and if someone asks just say that's what it is, as like you say you don't want your daughter to feel she has to be ashamed of it. Surgery is incredible these days and aside from a small scar I am sure it will be very unnoticeable once all the work is done. I think the best thing to do is just love your child and let them know they're beautiful and react to peopes comments in a way that only leaves the asked red faced. People think with children they can do and say what they want and yet you wouldn't dream of going up to a stranger and pinching their cheeks or something would you!
I am sure your daughter is beautiful and I do believe if a child with a diasability is treated as a child without they come on in leaps and bounds, good luck and I know you'll get there
hugs
xxDBxx
[Modified by: OrthoPed on July 01, 2009 03:05 PM]
[Modified by: OrthoPed on July 01, 2009 08:22 AM]
[Modified by: OrthoPed on July 01, 2009 08:26 AM]
[Modified by: OrthoPed on July 01, 2009 03:12 PM]
I had to fill out forms one day for maturnity benefits and the women asked me about her cleft. Afterwards she apologiszed because she suddenly felt rude for asking, I almost hugged the women and told her I don't mind people asking me about her cleft as long as it not stupid or mean.
Thanks everyone for your support and allowing me to vent.
[Modified by: OrthoPed on July 01, 2009 04:29 PM]
I'm glad letting off steam on here calmed you down and I have to say that nurse was very thoughtless, the 'professionals' seem to forget that us patents could do with a bit of support too sometimes and could do with a friend rather than a dictator of medical jargon. I'd also like to say I don't think you have to worry at all, yes children can be mean but it's a eflection of their parents and far more likely to come from a 15yr old than a 5yr old. When I was at school there was a boy of 7 with a fake arm (think cbeebies) and rather than avoid him he was actually one of the most confident and popular children in the class because it made the best fart noises and he'd play pranks on teachers by shaking their hand and yanking it off! There was another child who wad burnt from head to toe, he was older and I think found it harder but he had friends and you never saw children running in the other direction in disgust. I think it really is down to bringing up a confident child and picking the right school, a family type vibe rather than so many kids you don't know their names hth
Anyway don't want to ramble just wanted to tell you my observations of school children. Good luck with the review and follow ups and I hope you find a group of supportive lovely people around you.
I've had a few comments directed at my little boy since he was born. The nurse (who is lovely normally) at my local dr's asked in a very acusing tone 'and what's this?' it was his biopsy scar which is what I said but i felt horrified that she might have thought i had done something to him, it's quite a noticable scar and looked quite big when he was tiny so i was absolutely horrified when she said that it stresses me out thinking about it now.
I get loads of people saying is he walking and everything then? I just say no he's got a rare muscle disorder, we've both got it and then you just have to deal with the 'oh that's a shame look' instead which i'm fine with I can deal with that. I know what you mean about feeling horrible having to do stuff your baby doesn't like, one of the things we had to do when he was very little was to literally force Paul to put his head on his left side as he would never do it himself. I had to hold him and pin his head down and make him play or lie like that loads of times through the day to make sure he didn't have more problems because he wasn't doing it himself. it was really hard sometimes he really didn't want to and it must have hurt a bit too as his neck must have ben stiff.
I think you have both done well to stay calm, my husband would have flipped if that had happened to him.
I'm very lucky as i go to special needs groups with my little fella twice a week and we get loads of time to chat to the other mums about this sort of thing which has been a godsend since he was born.
My friends little girl was born with a bi-lateral cleft (which also extended to the top gum) & an incomplete palette. She is 11 now and just like ur daughter, absolutely gorgeous!! If you ever want someone to talk to etc, let me know as I can get her to make contact with you......it always helps knowing ur not alone and to speak to someone who understands all ur fears etc.
xx
Your little girl is beautiful, feel sorry for the ignorant people who are un-educated and un-knowing, its their problem, not yours.
I take my hat off to your hubby for keeping his cool with the rude guy.
Please try to ignore these thoughtless people...easy to say I know but please try. Your baby looks amazing x
Somepeople are sooooo ignorant you just want to punch them(not a violent person really)
People say things to me all the time like'still in nappies,thats not right and why cant he speak properly etc etc.
i just say ' he's autistic' that usually shuts them up or starts a conversation about how many kids they know with autism.
just one of those hurdlesin life we have to get over.
Your daughter is absolutly beautiful try not to let the comments get you down.people are prats!!!