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Still get upset about birth experience after 3 months

I had an emergency section over 3 months ago. Thoughts about what had happened played on my mind almost every day after the birth, it had been happening less often over the weeks though.

I have a lovely wee son and am not otherwise feeling down about anything, but sometimes I still get stupidly upset when memories come back to me.

It has been like that this week, my SIL is due to give birth very soon and I guess it is reminding me about going to the hospital.

It was almost 48 hours from my waters breaking and contractions starting to happen to him being born. Almost all the memories I have, except for him being born, are not good. I can almost remember being ok at first in the MLU I was breathing away happily and the got me a TENS to try, at some point it all changed. I just remember feeling so out of control as soon as I was transferred from the MLU to the consultant led section to go on the drip, as I was not progressing fast enough. It took two attempts to get an epidural to work, by which time I had become quite uncomfortable due to the medication to induce contractions.

It just makes me feel like I was a bit pathetic and useless for some reason, I can't really remember a lot that happened. I vaguely remember signing the consent form after the baby's heartbeat had been going a bit wonky, but so much of what happened is a blur.

Do you think it would be worth trying to see my notes at this late stage, to help me get my head round it? I had thought that by now I would feel better about it, but I was just about in tears in the shower today with thoughts going round my head. I did tentatively mention to the nurse at my 8 week check how I felt, she just said 'Oh but you have a lovely baby and it's all in the past' kind of thing, that's how my H sees it too, I don't think he understands really.

I feel kind of stupid writing this, but it might help. I hadn't realised how much it was still in the back of my mind.

thanks.

Replies

  • I think yes if it would make you feel better you should ask to see your notes. It might help clear things up in your mind as to why things happened as they did.

    But remember as you said you have a lovely baby at the end of it.

    and if you think you might have another baby at some tim it might be worth thinking about having a doula to help you through the birth?

    xx
  • My lo is 17 months now and I used to feel very similar to the way you are now. I was lucky in that I had a natural birth but I had planned a home delivery and ended up having to transfer in to hospital. I just went over and over things in my mind and tried to work out why things had 'gone wrong'. And like you, my oh really couldn't see why it meant so much to me, he tried to understand but couldn't.

    I did think about asking to look at my notes, but didn't in the end. I put a post up on here and I found that just talking i through with sympathetic people helped me to move on. But I think that you are entitled to see your notes and query anything that you don't understand, so if you think that would help you then I would say go for it. Also, if you do think you might have more children, going through your note might make you feel more prepared for next time?

    In the meantime though, please try not to blame yourself-these things happen for a whole variety of reasons and you are NOT useless!! When you find yourself thinking that way, try to focus on the fantastic job you are doing as a new mum!
  • Thanks ladies, it definitely makes a difference just discussing it.

    Might look into seeing my notes, will maybe help just to fill in the blanks when I was too tired and/or full of drugs!

    I had been thinking about it a lot less, but with the imminent arrival of our first nephew or niece (exciting year!), it seems to have popped back into my head.
  • Thistle, I didn't have a traumatic birth at all but I'd be interested to see my notes purely to fill in the bits that I've forgotten or were too tired to remember so I can completely understand how seeing yours may make things a bit clearer in your head and you never know, it may bring back some absolutely fabulous memories that you've forgotten about or blanked out since the birth!!

    Hope you feel better soon... just keep looking at your beautiful bubs and reminding yourself that you did that- even if it didn't go entirely to plan! xxx
  • I went to what our local hospital calls a 'birth reflections session' about 5 months after birth. I had my lo 6 weeks prematurely and had a lot of blanks in what happened etc. Basically the session was sat down with a midwife who went through everything in my notes with me and explained it all. It was very reassuring and helped me to move on a lot fromthe experience and make it more positive. I would highly recommend it - it might not sort everything out for you but even if it fills in some of the blanks it is sure to help a bit. I think most NHS trust do a similar service although it maybe called something different so I would say yes try and find out about it and go!
  • I went to what our local hospital calls a 'birth reflections session' about 5 months after birth. I had my lo 6 weeks prematurely and had a lot of blanks in what happened etc. Basically the session was sat down with a midwife who went through everything in my notes with me and explained it all. It was very reassuring and helped me to move on a lot fromthe experience and make it more positive. I would highly recommend it - it might not sort everything out for you but even if it fills in some of the blanks it is sure to help a bit. I think most NHS trust do a similar service although it maybe called something different so I would say yes try and find out about it and go!

    I have never heard of this but it sounds FAB i think everybody should be offered these!image
  • hi i definately think u shld see ur maternity notes, its never too late, even years later u can have a 'birth after thoughts' session which uis what its called where i live. i had mine when ds was 16 weeks old, it really helped and i found out stff that had happened in my labour that i didn't know previously and why soem decisions were made etc. i had to ask my health visitor as was very down and had been diagnosed with PND who referred me to the birth afterthoughts people, couple of weeks later had a meeting with her, she then referred me for further counselling as she thought i wld benefit and that was fantastic, turned oyut i didn't have PND but did infact have Post traumatic STRESS dISORDER, which she said had been misdiagnosed as because the trauma had come from pregnancy/birth then they autmatically put it down to pnd. i'm so glad i did it as my doc had been urging me to go on anti depressants, but that was not the treatment that was needed, after that sesson, i began to feel almost normal again as we loked more deeply into the birth and the effect it had had on me and how i felt about it etc and ways to help come to terms with it. 9 months on and i'm still 'almmost' there, but am thinking about going for another session with that woman as we're drawing closer to ttc again and am now beginning to get flashbacks of the birth and feeling panicky about it again which i think needs dealing with. but i will say, i did have to ask, i'm certain that most if not all nhs trusts offer these, btu i did have to ask, my hv didn't tell me, it was someone on here mentioed it and i asked her and she was all 'oh yes'. hth xx
  • Hi, I was able to read my birth notes for all my 3 babies, as I kept my folder for the first week or so, until I was discharged by mw, so I read them all.

    I did find it very useful to read them - just out of interest for the the 1st 2, but for my traumatic no.3 birth, it was to get it all straight in my head. And to read what they said when my daughter's heart and breathing stopped - it felt unreal at the time. I would recommend you ask for your own notes - I don't think they can refuse you because of the data protection act.

    Until I had a traumatic birth, I totally underestimated it's effect on you. I always thought, Oh you just forget about it once have the baby! How wrong - I felt the after-effects of dd's birth 18mths later!

    Anyway, I wanted to let you know you are not alone in suffering the after-effects of a bad birth. I think the 'after birth discussions' that the others have mentioned sound great - I wish I had been offered that!

    I also found talking about it helped - I did a post on the traumatic brths forum and I have also talked to my hubby & mum about it - I found it difficult to talk about when dd was a newborn - it was just all too raw. When people asked about the birth I lied and said it was all fine! It is only now that I find I can talk it over and begin to get over it.

    Mx

  • Hello! I had my daughter 4 months ago and found it all quite terrifying up until last couple of hours which is the only thing that saved the experience for me. I have been re-living it in my head since August and your post has spurred me on to actually request my notes. I think it's the only way to try to allay the panic that I felt at times and to try to regain some perspective of the facts. I'm sending you a big hug as I know how difficult it can be and how guilty I've felt for not "getting over it" because I have a lovely baby. Think I need some peace of mind too that I'm not pathetic xx
  • I think it's such an aggressive and emotional experience that you can't help but be traumatised by it all really. It fades though. I remember the first 6 mnths I thought about my birth a lot but now it's fading out a bit. i think you just need olet some time pass and give yourself a break- you're doing great. It's a big thing to go through and you've done it! When your beby's one the hormones level off and you get your old head back again image
  • i know how you feel hun, i had a similar birth. now 2 years on, i will always refer to it as a very traumatic birth, it really did traumatize me. my recovery was very long and i constantly had it in my head that they did something wrong and messed me up down there.

    i am now expecting again, due in april, and i have recently been thinking about my last birth, and i am now scared sh*tless, everytime i think about it it bring s on a panic attack, so i dont know how this baby is going to come out because at the minute i would be perfectly happy for her to stay in there!!!
  • I don't think you're stupid at all, I think you need to go over it to accept it and move on.

    I had a flyer from my hospital offering a service to discuss my labour with a professional, would that be something your hospital might offer? Maybe you could ask the HV or your GP for guidence.

    I feel for you, I felt the same, still do a bit. I was induced and didn't want to be, not really being informed why, saw so many doctors. Had no sleep the night before the birth, had procedures done that I didn't know why, had waters broken and confined to a bed with canulers in both hands (very painful) and legs in stirrups and having an episiotomy (which I don't remember consenting to). Then 2 hours in theatre and several days of humiliating things happening. Didn't bond with my baby for weeks if I'm honest, at one point I said to a friend what had I done and I wish I hadn't had him! How awful that my birth experience had resulted in that. I was so weak I couldn't pick him up for a day.

    I vote for anything that helps your thoughts get filed as it were. Good Luck xxx
  • ps, I love my little man more than anything in the world now, just a shame I missed out on the first few weeks xxx
  • Thanks everyone. I asked my HV and she didn't know, so I am going to get in touch with the hospital.

    Malkymum, that is exactly how I feel - I can barely remember the first few weeks and I think that is part of what makes me sad.

    When we went to visit the new baby mentioned above, (she arrived safe and well) she looked so tiny and I couldn't remember him being like that. I had to go and look up photos to believe it.
    Thanks again for listening ladies.

    x
  • Hi i just read your post i have my notes fron moth of my births.as long as you have had tretment from your hospital with 6 months then you can get you pregnancy,birth,urine an bloods results the lot for free but over that time you have to pay not sure how much tho.i learned loads of my notes like mty ds being resusited at birth which they didnt tell me about.so i got dd aswell as wanted to know everything although all went ok with her it didnt with ds.plus make a nice thing to give them when there older.you have to say what you wnat though as i have didnt bits with eachof then but he was in scbu so maybe different things.anyway sorry to woffle on but i hoep this helps.x
  • that much be different for each trust then, i didn't have my birth notes councilling session til after ds was 6 month old and it was free then, so was my follow up appointment. they keep ur notes indefinately as they may need them for future labours/births, they're usually kept at the hospital where u had lo. i didn't get mine for keeps tho, the councillor had them with her, and she took them back again at the end. xx
  • thanks again, not been in touch with hospital yet, funny how these little people keep you busy...
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