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Stay or Go?

John DraytonJohn Drayton
in General chat

So I met a girl about a year and a half ago here in Rome, Italy, really fun, funny, smart and so on..We hit it off, started dating, I was traveling at the time looking to see the world and kept coming back to Rome as I enjoy it here. Long story short I took her to the US to meet the folks and she got pregnant. I was very confused by the whole situation, I asked her to consider options (ie: adoption, abortion or maybe even keep the child, I just wanted to discuss things) but she cried so hard I couldn't talk about anything. She said she adamantly refused to discuss anything but having the child. 

Anyway, she needed to leave her job and that's when she came to the states, now I'm the only one with work (I have an internet based company). She said she wanted to be around friends and family for the baby so I came back here with her.

Here is the situation. We are now 6 - 7 months in, I have been very supportive of her the entire time but what I want has not been taken into consideration. She's a great girl but I don't feel any sparks with her, given I should have figured this out sooner but that's what part of a relationship is right? I brought her to the states to see if she would like it there and if we are a good match.

As for the baby, I am sensitive towards these things, I understand she wants to have the child and I will be 110% supportive. It's just I don't want to sit in Italy for the next year and I don't think I want to marry her. On the other hand, I'm 35 and if I have a child it should be now, either way I will man up and support her financially. With what I do for a living I am tired of it and want to look for other work, I make good money but at 35 it's time to figure out what I want to do that makes me happy. 

So am I looking to bail? I don't know, no not really again I will put my signature on the birth certificate and support her financially but is that fair to her do you think? Or do I have to marry her and bring her back to the states in order to be in my child's life or do I just come visit when I can? I just feel like I have been thrown in this situation and start to feel resentful towards her for not giving me a choice even though ultimately it's my fault I understand. I don't want to be a bad person here I want to do the right thing but to choose the best option for everyone. Your thoughts would be appreciated..

Replies

  • John DraytonJohn Drayton

    Guess I have no one responding on this one? image

  • Charley17Charley17
    The problem with your questions is that it is a matter of personal opinion. It can be hard for people to comment on.



    I understand that your happiness is important, but nothing is more important now then the child you've helped create. You don't have to love the mother of your child, but in my opinion financial support is not what makes a father, you need to be there to help raise your child. Whether it be in Italy or the states you need to do what is best for your child.
  • John DraytonJohn Drayton

    Charley,

    Good point. Than is it morally questionable to bring them to the states by marrying her than even if I don't love her? The fact is I would

    1. Like to see my child raised with more opportunity in the USA (yes there is more opportunity in the states for work, etc..for the baby and the mother)

    2. I do not see a future in the work I do right now, that is strictly due to the market I work in and declining prices etc..I could better support my child and her future from the states.

  • Rach2186Rach2186
    Like Charley said it is a matter of opinion so if you would like mine then here it is. I personally think it would be wrong to stay with the mother for the sake of a child. In most cases that is more damaging than anything else and I talk from experience there. You would only end up resenting her and even the child itself. Obviously this should be a lesson learnt to you for future but right now this child is the once who is going to suffer the most. If financially you are in a position to go home to the USA and then go back to Italy in a regular basis that to me would seem the most sensible solution. It would then be down to the child once it is old enough to make a decision as to whether it wanted to grow up in Italy or USA. You need to concentrate on having a strong relationship with the mother where you are both sensible enough to do what is best for the child. That would mean her allow you to have quality time when you are In Italy but even allowing visits to the USA when the child is old enough. The only way you will decide on a good path to take is by being completely honest with each other and putting the child first with major decisions. And that does not mean staying to together for the sake of the child as that helps nobody. Good luck!
  • LH86LH86

    I think both previous posters have pretty much hit the nail on the head, id have said the same thing. You can't force yourself to love someone as long as you're there for your baby. But please don't do anything hasty, a baby changes everything like you wouldn't believe, you may feel totally different when he or she arrives. Good luck!

  • Charley17Charley17
    I understand that there are more opportunities in the states, however, marrying her just to be able to bring them to the states doesn't seem like a good idea. The marriage won't last if you're not 100% committed to it and like one of the posters above said you could end up doing more damage then good.
  • John DraytonJohn Drayton

    I agree with you all and thanks for the words of advice, of course I want to be here when the baby is born and yes I'm sure once I see her most likely I will feel a very strong bond. She is a Drayton after all! The mother and I are both rational and logical individuals and yes she and I agree whatever is best for the child, I have told her how I feel and she agrees.

  • LH86LH86

    All the best with whatever you decide, it sounds like you're both singing from the same hymn sheet

  • Booboo82Booboo82

    I'm sorry it sounds like a midlife crisis and your now looking at your life as a whole lacking direction and the in ability to make a firm commitment to yourself whether it be work living arrangements and now you have ruled out marriage ? put a pin in tht ! however I am curious if she's logical and rational why become so irrational at the decussion of alternatives ? I'm just curious was this when your questions started About your life and aims ? Because why else would you have been drawn back to Italy repeatedly if it wasn't love or fireworks as we all know fireworks fade and lI've is questionable at most points in a relationship !!! Believe me kids just magnify your differences whether you can work out a happy medium is another ie dnt live in Italy or USA bit defo not marriage I would seriously get some sort of legal advice bddorecsigning anything esp since your laws are do diff you never know absence makes the heart grow fonder ? Good luck :) 

  • Natalie21Natalie21

    John I just came across the posts and was curious how you came to resolve the questions that you have been pondering. Did you go with your gut instincts? I hope you have managed the situation well as i am sure you would, although i do feel that you are both very lucky people to be bringing a child into the world and that millions of people around the world envy what you have, it does make sense to me to take the leap and embrace both mother and baby. Do let us know how you got on!!!

  • John DraytonJohn Drayton

    Natalie thanks for the curiosity shows that even strangers care, a fact I've come to realize from reading different literature and perspectives on the world :)

    I stayed. I think I just needed to put down independent single John (who's life stunk anyway) and embrace this girl who loves me so much and my daughter and wow am I happy I did. To be honest that's a surprise for me! My daughter and now wife make me laugh and smile more than I ever did when I was single and wonder what I was waiting for, life is so short and I really am lucky to have them both in my life! Thanks everyone for responding and being there for me in a time of need, I'm really happy with my decision to, "Become an honest man" and grow up like my friend said. ;)  

  • Natalie21Natalie21

    Really pleased for you John, just logged on after the new year break and seen your message and feel extremely happy for you and your family, certainly they are as lucky too have you as you are to have them. Warm regards, 

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