Teenager Parenting Dilema
Lauren has a friend, lets call her C, who has recently had unprotected sex with two different boys (she is 15). I am friendly with her mum, used to be very friendly when girls were younger but it changes a bit when they grow up and become more independent. Anyhow I know about these instancces as Lauren chats to me about things and I have seen messages on her phone and I believe it has actually happened.
My dilema is this - if it was my child I would want to know. C's Mum thinks that her daughter has never had a boyfriend let alone had sex! I feel responsible knowing and I wiish I didn't but what do I do? do I forget it? do I tell her? do I try and talk to C about talking to her Mum? at the very least she needs to understand the risks of STD's let alone preganancy and self respect. I would hate for anything bad to happen to C and that I have known all along about some of these situations
Now I sound like a shocked old lady......I am not.....I just cannot believe my child is at the age where her friends are willy nilly doing things like this and it worries the hell out of me!
Replies
Erm, whats L's take on it? Can she speak to her friend and encourage her to tell her mum?
I'd be the same as you, i'd want to know. I think in the first instance you should bring it up with C that you've found out, and perhaps offer to be there for advice if she feels as though she can't speak to her own mum.
See this is the thing, I don't want Lauren to fall out with her mates as she has told me but in the same instance I don't want C to know I know cause if it came out to her Mum she would not be happy with me for not telling her - does that make sense?
I have offered advice trhrough Lauren about being careful and that you can get pregnant even if the boy pulls out (yes seriously this was the defence the first time!)
Oh Nina - my H went away with his mates this weekend - most of them are pushing 40 - one of the guys F has a 2 year old from a one night stand - 'but I pulled out' was his answer - seriously!!!
I would then approach C's mum and speak to her in the strictest confidence.
God this is tricky. My first thought was stay out of it but now I'm thinking just talk to the mum.
hmmmm
I would tell the parent but make out you were snooping on L's phone so there is no come back for L for telling you.
Does the other girl come over to yours? If so could you engineer a conversation about safe sex? I'm quite open and upfront with E about it, to a degree. I know other parents aren't though, in fact I don't think they really care - out of sight out of mind. Not saying that's the situation here at all, but I know what I was like when I was 15 and E will be under lock and key until she's at least 25!
Yes I'd want to know but if they are that unaware who's to say they'll believe you. The outcome could be that C becomes more of a little devil....
I think the best thing would be to talk to C. Say you're not going to tell her mum but only if she convinces you she's understood the risks.
Its one of those Nina, the outcome could be worse whichever way you go.
I think you have to go with your gut.
I would so worry if i had girls.. I think I would talk to the mum if I was friendly enough. 15 seems so young
I know when I was 15 though I thought I was 30!
Hmm a hard one. I would want to know if it was E. How well do you know the mam? Do you know what the relationship is like with C and her mam? How do you think her mam will take it? I would be considering all these questions before making a decision.
If you think you know her well enough and would speak to her daughter sensibly about it and not hit the roof then I would tell the mam. If you don't want to drop L in it then do what someone else said and say you came across texts on L's phone. Alternatively speak directly to C about your concerns.
Another thing that would worry me is if you did speak to C and not tell her mam, how would she react if she did find out that you knew and hadn't told her?
It's difficult. What does L think?
I was that teenager at 15 and the mum told my parents. Completly broke our relationship (wasn't the sole reason) TBH, I'd talk to C about the risks, using condoms, and tell her that she can go to the Dr about contraception. I would even offer to go with her. That way if C's mum does found out you knew, then you did what you could do to protect her. At 15 i very stupidly thought that if a guy wanted sex with you, then he loved you.
A VERY tricky one. I *think* I'd approach the Mum with a similar scenario that Mooey suggested, that you were snooping and she cannot betray your confidence but . . . I would prefer to overstep the mark than to get L come home and say C's pregnant. I would want to know as a parent. After conception/STD is too late.
I understand completely what the others are saying about telling the mum, bit if you look at it more selfishly you dont want to lose the trust and confidence that L has in you that she feels able to discuss things like that with you. And if you talk to the mum that might happen.
All that said I don't know if I could say nothing, I'd feel a responsibility towards C, especially as her mum is oblivious. Maybe Mooeys scenario is the best option.
What an awkward position to be in lovely xx
I'd approach the girl. Say you found some texts on Ls phone (that way L isnt being involved) try to be as nice as possible (not looking down on her iyswim), and talk about contraception/stis etc does she need anyone to go to gum clinic with her etc
Like you I'd totally want to know. X
Really tough one. I see where people are coming from with approach the girl, but I'm not sure if I were her mum how that would sit with me if I found out. I'd know you had good intentions but may prefere you to have come to me instead of talking to her yourself? Dyswim?
Its a tough one isn't it? I had a talk to Lauren about it last night and she really doesn't want me to talk to the Mum. This igirl is always in and out of my house so I am wondeirng if I should talk to her direct or maybe tell her to talk to her big sister who lives at homes still? she is in her twenties and is a really lovely girl
Talking to her sister could be a compromise. Hope you can work something out.
If she is in this situation then she hasn't talked to her mum anyway so it may be her mum doesn't feel comfortable talking about thsi sort of thing.
Yes if I was her mum I would want to know but would hope we wouldn't get to that situation in the first place.
I am going to suggest something completely unthought of here and say contact the school. This is actually a child protection issue. It will be handly sensible by the relevant people and it takes the pressure out of your hands and that way L won't be shown to be untrustworthy. We regularly get parents contatc us concerned about things they have overheard and things can be put into place asap. HTH.
The school is a good suggestion actually. If you speak to the girl she's going to know L told you not matter what you say. They aren't stupid.