Sorry I just needed to vent!
I don’t actually know who to talk to? I know mum will always listen but I also know she shares in my pain and I don’t like to burden her. I’m hurting, I’m actually sore, I almost feel broken. Why is it so difficult? I love my wee family, I love that God has blessed us with a beautiful son and with having two miscarriages, I definitely don’t take it for granted. Yet, my whole body seems to ache for a child that I’m probably never going to have. I feel as though I’m not just mourning the loss of two babies but also the loss of one that has never been! I’m finding it increasingly hard to cope and I feel selfish, so incredibly selfish. I have friends that can’t or struggle to conceive at all and here I am moaning about not having another! What is wrong with me? My heart is breaking.
Tomorrow I’m bringing things out of the loft to sell or get rid of-baby things. Our Pram, carry cot, car seat, highchair, cot, clothes...! Memories. I honestly thought this would help, but for some reason I’m terrified of what it means, it’s closure, it’s final. It the end of that Chapter, or so it seems (definite) for now. And yet the only conversation I get back is, ‘I’ll bring them down.’ (The items from the loft). No discussion, nothing, I think that hurts more. But I have to try and put an end to this. Anguish seems like a really strong word, doesn’t it? Is it melodramatic for me to use it here, because that’s how I feel. I cry, I ache. I am broken.
People around me are popping babies out all the time! And I rejoice in their happiness, I embrace those cuddles, I gladly hand them back when they need a feed off mum! I gladly hand them back when they start to stir and I’m not quite the one the want. I yearn to be that person for my own again. But that’s not going to happen. I concede, I retreat, I give up.
