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Overwhelmed By The Mental Load - Need Advice!
Hello all,
So I needed an outlet and an unbiased one at that. Thanks for reading.
My son after many years of visiting his Dad on a weekend has decided this week that he no longer wants to see him. This has been his choice and always will be. I have spent years trying to support their relationship no matter my feelings for Dad. I am now happily married to a wonderful man who just adores my kids and they adore him. Dad has not been in a relationship that I know about since me. My son is scared of his Dad and doesn't like how he is treated by him. His Dad is a narcissist and now treats our son like he did me and my older son. He dictates to him (my younger son compared him to Hitler recently, but he meant general) and my son said he prefers to stream on Twitch while at Dad's because he knows that if someone is watching then his Dad HAS to be nice to him. This is just the recent stuff although the mental abuse as I see it has been going on for some time. His Dad did not have a good upbringing. I feel so sad for my son because he needs this relationship with his Dad but now feels like his Dad does not care about him, want to fight for him or respects him. Dad often makes him feel bad if our son doesn't want to go and I have to be very careful what I say to Dad because I know he will treat my son poorly once I've gone so I try to say very little. I have lied for Dad, made excuses and even joined them on days out at an activity to mend their relationship before it breaks but sadly my son doesn't fall for that anymore. He is 11 and sees too much, understands what is going on around him. I don't know what to do. I hate the ground my ex walks on but I need my son above all else to be happy and I will support him no matter what. I know he needs a mental break from Dad so right now that's what he is getting. I have not heard from Dad since he was told about my son's decisicon. We agreed long ago that it would always be his choice. What if he never wants to go back because his Dad is toxic and won't change. I know I cannot change him and I only advise on what I see with my son but to be honest I don't feel like I want him to torture him anymore. Should I let him go back if I know he will only hurt him again? how many chances before enough is enough and believe me he has had so many. I am struggling and I feel sad. I tried so hard to prevent this. My son talks openly with me about everything luckily and I can see he's sad too but that he has also had enough and frankly so have we as a family. So far in the last few days, I can see he's down, transferring his pain onto others subconsciously (I am a counselling student but I do not try to counsel my son in that sense. It just helps me understand him better and parent better) and is journaling. Has anyone been through this?
Thank you for letting me rant
Em
So I needed an outlet and an unbiased one at that. Thanks for reading.
My son after many years of visiting his Dad on a weekend has decided this week that he no longer wants to see him. This has been his choice and always will be. I have spent years trying to support their relationship no matter my feelings for Dad. I am now happily married to a wonderful man who just adores my kids and they adore him. Dad has not been in a relationship that I know about since me. My son is scared of his Dad and doesn't like how he is treated by him. His Dad is a narcissist and now treats our son like he did me and my older son. He dictates to him (my younger son compared him to Hitler recently, but he meant general) and my son said he prefers to stream on Twitch while at Dad's because he knows that if someone is watching then his Dad HAS to be nice to him. This is just the recent stuff although the mental abuse as I see it has been going on for some time. His Dad did not have a good upbringing. I feel so sad for my son because he needs this relationship with his Dad but now feels like his Dad does not care about him, want to fight for him or respects him. Dad often makes him feel bad if our son doesn't want to go and I have to be very careful what I say to Dad because I know he will treat my son poorly once I've gone so I try to say very little. I have lied for Dad, made excuses and even joined them on days out at an activity to mend their relationship before it breaks but sadly my son doesn't fall for that anymore. He is 11 and sees too much, understands what is going on around him. I don't know what to do. I hate the ground my ex walks on but I need my son above all else to be happy and I will support him no matter what. I know he needs a mental break from Dad so right now that's what he is getting. I have not heard from Dad since he was told about my son's decisicon. We agreed long ago that it would always be his choice. What if he never wants to go back because his Dad is toxic and won't change. I know I cannot change him and I only advise on what I see with my son but to be honest I don't feel like I want him to torture him anymore. Should I let him go back if I know he will only hurt him again? how many chances before enough is enough and believe me he has had so many. I am struggling and I feel sad. I tried so hard to prevent this. My son talks openly with me about everything luckily and I can see he's sad too but that he has also had enough and frankly so have we as a family. So far in the last few days, I can see he's down, transferring his pain onto others subconsciously (I am a counselling student but I do not try to counsel my son in that sense. It just helps me understand him better and parent better) and is journaling. Has anyone been through this?
Thank you for letting me rant
Em
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