Forum home Getting pregnant IVF & assisted conceptions

Mind if I join you....? Feeling sad :-(

In my BE experience so far I started out in ttc with a group of girls who were not getting regular visits from AF. This was then diangosed as PCOS so I moved to that group. I was referred to a consultant to help me conceive by working with my PCOS and he performed a laparoscopy on me on the Saturday just gone.

After I came round from the surgery he told me that my ovarian drilling had been a success but that my tubes were completely destroyed by an infection years ago.He said my only chance of getting pregnant is with IVF.

I feel absolutely gutted about this - I guess you never think it's a road you'll have to go down....? I'm guessing a lot of you have had similar news - how did you deal with it?

I don't want to speak to anyone except DH at the moment so friends and family keep being told I'm asleep when they ring up but I can't hide for ever. I just want to feel a bit better when I tell them because I know I'll be upset and everything still hurts too much right now from the surgery.

oh, I don't know what to do? I just feel so sad that I'll never just 'get' pregnant and that it'll never come from us making love. We won't have a special place where our child was conceived... If we have one it'll have been conceived in a lab. It's just so much to get your head around - has this been the same for everyone?

I've got to book an appointment for next week to discuss the surgery and what happens next so I guess I'll get to know more then. I'm gonna write down all my questions as there are so many going around in my head at the minute but I know I'll go blank when I go in.

Anyway, I'm sorry for being so miserable - I just desperately need to let it out.

Thanks for listening (or reading...) xxx

Replies

  • Hi there,
    I couldn't read and run without offering my support. I found out last week we have to have ICSI as my husband has almost non-exist sperm count and I also feel like the bottom has dropped out of my world. I have avoided my friends over the weekend but told my Mum which really helped and am trying to find ways to pass the time in the short term. You need to decide who you want to tell what to and who you can rely on to really be there - and have lots and lots of hugs with DH. What's really getting me through it is knowing that now we know what's wrong and what treatment we need we have a better chance of getting pregnant than we ever have before with all those months of tears whenever AF arrived.
    There are lots of lovely supportive ladies on here - many with positive stories so I am really trying to cling to this.
    Sending lots of hugs xxx
  • Hi
    Firstly can I say how very sorry I am to hear the problems you have encountered.
    Secondly once you have got your head around it, it really is not that bad.
    A brief outline of my story is I am 29 and my husband is 49, we met 8 years ago and very early on in the relationship my husband told me he had, had a vasectomy in his previous marriage. So I knew early on that we probably wouldn't be able to conceive naturally. He had a reversal but this was unsucessful and I can remember the day he went to get the sperm analysis results as being one of the worst days of my life, I knew then that we would need "help" with concieving.
    At this point we had heard of IVF but not ICSI and so we thought we would have to use donor sperm. However when we visited our fertility clinic they were brilliant they put us straight on all the things we thought we couldn't achieve and answered all our questions, this made us feel loads better and although we did have dark moments and tears thinking it would never work on the whole the process moves so quick you get caught up in it!
    We were lucky and we conceived first time and now have a 10 month old daughter. I know at the moment it is horrible for you and you have so many unanswered questions but please try to be strong and positive it can work for you and you can have that much wanted child.

    A lot of people hate telling people they have had to have fertility treatment as they perhaps feel embarassed that they can't achieve something that should be so natural, I know I did. But once I told people and had support I felt better, everyone is different so do what is best for you, but you may be suprised by the reactions of your family and friends to your news, if they love you all they want to do is be there for you and to help.
    Good luck with everything and please ask if you have any questions.
    Rhian x
  • Hey there hun,

    I also wanted to say hi and lend my support. I remember you from the Trying for a Baby forum, I think we joined at similar times and I remember the thread that had all the girls waiting for their AFs!!!

    I'm so sorry that you received bad news, it really does take the wind out of you. My DH and I found out that I have very low AMH levels, which means that I have low ovarian reserves. The problem with this is that even though we could get pregnant naturally they don't know how long it will be until I run out of eggs completely so we don't have any time to waste especially if we want more than one baby. I'm only turning 25 next month so obviously this was a huge shock!!! On top of this my DH has slightly below average motility so that means IVF is even more important as going the natural route could take that much longer because of that, which is time we don't have. Anyway, I was devastated when we found out my results and went through many of things you are saying, never having thought it would happen to me, sad that we couldn't do it ourselves and scared that maybe it would never happen. However, once you get used to the news you do feel a bit better - like MrsAmanda said I started to feel relief that at least we knew what was happening and could come up with a plan of action. Also like the other girls have said I felt better after telling my mum, and also my best friend. We have only told our parents and my best friend and DH's best buddy, we feel like it is more pressure with lots of people knowing as they ask questions etc whenever you see them - but that was a personal decision. We both feel so much better being able to talk to our parents and best friends about it, sharing the load can really help!! And of course, we talk to each other about it and have lots of hugs (which are mainly for my benefit!!). We are due to start our first cycle of IVF at the end of this week, I will be starting my injections at the weekend, and all going well we will know if it has been successful in about 4.5 weeks. So, even though this isn't the route we would have chosen, we are so excited to finally be on our way and we are keeping everything crossed that we are one of the lucky ones that are successful on our first attempt.

    Wishing you loads of luck and sending you hugs, I hope you feel better about it all soon and remember we are all here for questions, support or just a chat if you feel like it. Take care.x.
  • Thanks girls - it really has helped to read your messages. Got lots to think about but it helps to know there are people in similar situations and that positive things can happen from this point xxx
  • MrsAmanda - thanks for sharing your story and I'm so pleased you have a beautiful son and number two on the way. It made me giggle what you said about the kitchen floor and I'm guessing it is kinda special to see the embryo - not many people can say they've done that, eh?! Bit dodgy if he looks like the emryologist though...... Hehheheh!

    Sunshine - that's a lovely screen name and something we all need a ray of! So I guess you're just a few days ahead of us in this emotional rollercoaster? Def feeling a lot more positive and totally connecting with what you've said about it being positive to know exactly what the problem is and that it's being dealt with in the right way instead of continuing the hit and miss heartache and not knowing why it's not working. We both will have our best shot now we know what we're up against. It'll be nice go through this all with somebody else so please do stick around!

    Misspolar - thanks for sharing your success story. You too have helped raise my positivity and I'm so pleased you have a lovely baby girl - I bet she's amazing! I was talking with my husband last night and we came to the conclusion that IVF children must be some of the most loved and wanted children in the world - they're pretty special, huh? Feeling better since telling my mother and sister and now just wanna find out when and how I get started!

    Trixie - nice to see you again and sorry you've had similar news but it sounds like you've gotten started pretty quickly which is great. Did you have to wait long? Please do keep us up to date with every step of the next 4 weeks and we'll give you all the support we can xx

    Anne - thanks for your kind message. I guess we can all be guilty of taking our fertility for granted and when your body's done it once already it must be a shock to find that it won't again. I hope this round works and you get a beautiful little brother or sister for your son. Please keep us up to date with your treatment and we'll be there to support you.

    It's been a real emotional journey this week but you guys have really helped. It's so good to know we're not alone and that so many people have been in this situation and had a positive outcome.

    I'm kinda thinking with so many people starting a round of IVF or ICSI we should have a bfp wishlist on here just like they do on ttc. What do you think? I used to add myself on there each month but without dates cos my cycle just wasn't happening. If we put up important dates like starting hormones, EC, ET and Testing we could kinda track and support each other and people could know if they're at the same point as someone else. Is this a good or a silly idea...?? I might be tempted when it's my turn......! Or is it just me who after persisting with my non cycle is quite pleased with the nprospect of actually having some dates to work with??!

    Well thank you again girls and baby dust to those who are having a go this month - I've got everything crossed for you xxx

  • Hi Mrs Robson - I think we have lamented the lack of regular cycles together in TFAB! and now we're both over here - strange how things work out isn't it?!
    I'm new here having found out pretty suddenly that IVF is the route for us - spent ages getting my lack of ovulation investigated and it turns out hubby's swimmers aren't doing too well either. I'm still trying to get my head round it too but feel really positive that we are close to starting treatment, so closer to our BFP! I've asked loads of questions here and everyone has been incredibly supportive and knowledgeable, and best of all there are lots of happy endings! I've started acupuncture too to try and relax as much as possible during the whole process.

    I LOVE the idea of the dates list - I always missed out on the TTC date threads as I never knew when I would be ovulating. plus, like Anne, I struggle to keep up with where everyone is at in their treatment cycles. Hopefully at my next appt in 2 weeks I'll have a clearer idea of when things will get under way. wishing you all the best and stick around and let us know how you get on
    xx
  • Hi Mrs R - I'm glad to hear that you are feeling a bit better about it. I'm sure it's been a really tough week getting your head around it but I promise you'll feel more and more positive as you get used to it and get started with treatment. Have you booked your next appointment yet to talk about the next steps?

    As for me, yep it's all moved quite quickly. We were lucky that we found out there were problems very early on and we are able to afford to go privately - so everything has gone at a really quick pace. I must say I've been glad about that and feel very grateful we can do it this way, as with my situation of such low ovarian reserve we don't have much time to waste.

    Anyway hope you're doing well, and keep us up to date with your appointments etc.x.
  • Anne - I know exactly what you mean about the need for face to face friends. I've got a fantastic support network at the moment but not one lives anywhere near me (I'm in London). My nearest and dearest live in South Wales, the South West, Chile and Australia and my mother who is usually in South Wales in currently in Japan so even the people I know in real life I have a very 'virtual' relationship with! But it really helps and with you guys, even though we've never met there is that connection of a shared experience so it's all good. But it would be nice to go for a coffee and have a proper chat with someone else in a similar position. I wonder where everyone lives - maybe we do have a potential buddy just around the corner....??!

    LittleB - hello you - funny how some of us end up following the same path, huh?! I'm with you on that one about it all coming as a bit of a shock but it's strange how the mindset adjusts and you start seeing the positives. I'm so glad you feel the same way. I did a course of acupuncture when I was just a case of missing AF and through my diagnosis of PCOS and found it brilliant - not that it brought me a cycle but it really did de-stress me and worked as an hour of therapy once a fortnight where somebody was interedted in helping me and gave me a full hour of their attention. I learned a lot about noticing and understanding my energy levels and emotions which I have found really helpful. Each session I was asked how I was at the beginning and I went from always saying 'ok' in an unconvincing tone to being able to describe the pattern of how I felt since the previous session. I had been in a bit of a haze with regard to my own feelings before that! I'm not doing acupuncture at the moment because my husband was made redundant and is starting his own business so money's tight right now but I will definitely start again once we start IVF as it will help decrease my stress levels and boost my positivity.

    Trixie - so pleased you can get things started quickly! It's really helped me to find out that as much as I've moaned about where we live we've actually got some of the shortest waiting lists for IVF so every cloud has a silver lining, eh?! Got my post-op follow up on Monday with my consultant so hoping to find out more then... Fingers crossed!! So when do you get started? Definitely keep us up to date!!

    Ok with the bfp wishlist I'll try and put something together. Been reading lots but by no means an expert so will do my best to put something appropriate together as I think it would be nice to keep track of where everyone is in their treatment and particularly for people undergoing a cycle to have some buddies.

    H xxx
  • Feeling sad again after all that new found positivity. Had my post-op follow up appointment this evening and my consultant said I'm looking a wait of up to 18 months to start IVF unless I go private. A few short months ago we'd have been in a situation to do that but as of this month mine is the only income and we've ploughed all our savings into starting my husband's business.
    Raaaaaaaa!!!!!!
    H xxx
  • Oh hon that's rubbish news! 18 months sounds like a long time- is that typical here you live? perhaps there might be ways to reduce costs of private IVF - I've heard egg donation can make it cheaper? also if you buy your drugs elsewhere, rather than from the clinic? I'm still very much a novice mind so don't take anything I say as fact! try and not lose your positivity- it was really infectious and reading your posts made me feel more upbeat about things too! xxx

  • My consultant tried to push the egg donation thing which on principle for the recipient couple I think is great but I can't get away from the feeling that I'd be making babies with another man and if they traced me in 20 or so years they would be biologically my child but not my husband's. I know everyone reacts to it in different ways but that's my personal reaction and my husband's and it feels kinda scary. Is that a strange way to feel?
    In a way I would feel better about donating a fertilised embryo as in my head it would be a gift from both of us and I wouldn't have this image of my eggs being fertilised by another man's sperm... Do they do this and does my point of view make sense or is it kinda weird?!
    I don't know.... Where we are financially at the moment makes the whole thing very tempting (that's why they make it so appealing) but it's only right if it feels right, huh? And that's different for us all. I kinda wish it didn't bother me so we could take advantage of the amazing deals available to egg donors. Ra!!
    I'm currently scouring the internet for deals so who knows. And what I'm most gutted about is that we went to a fertility show in November before I knew all of this and I came really close to winning a free round of IVF which I kinda dismissed at the time thinking I'd never need something like that!!! - How wrong could I be??!!

    LittleB - Will try to be more positiveimage but very confused and downhearted at the moment. I guess this is the start of the big old emotional rollercoaster everyone talks about - I think I'm on the big slow upward slope at the start where the scariness just keeps building. Waaaaaaa!!! God knows what'll happen when it starts going fast! I'm not too good with scary rides..........

    MrsAmanda - We're in Walthamstow so opposite end of the city but my Dad is near Richmond - is that close to you?

    I'm gonna be sprinkling some 'we were told it couldn't happen naturally but a miracle happened and we didn't need IVF' baby dust for us all...... Well why not??!!

    H xxx

  • I'm not surprised that you feel confused pet- so much has happened in such a short space of time. Only you and hubby can decide about the egg donation, and I think you should feel 100% happy with the decision you make. I don't think your views sound strange at all, its one thing to consider donating eggs, when the situation is still all very hypothectical, but when its a real decision for you then things seem very different (I hope that makes sense!?). I think it is possible to donate fertilised embryos but then there are different dilemmas involved.

    by the way you can hold my hand on this rollercoaster- I'm terrified!!! ; )

    Also if you could chuck a bucket of 'we were told it couldn't happen naturally but a miracle happened and we didn't need IVF' baby dust this way, I'd be eternally grateful! (how about "wwtichnbamhawdnIVF" baby dust as a catchy abbreviation? ;\):lolimage
  • Hey MrsR,

    Just wanted to say hi and that I'm thinking of you. I'm really sorry that the waiting list is so long : ( I'm in London too although we are managing to go privately - I just can't believe how long the NHS wait is. Still like Mrs Amanda says you might move up the list quicker than that, fingers crossed. I'm sure your mind is in overdrive at the moment with all the options of egg donation, embryo donation etc etc but I really hope that you manage to come to a decision and that hopefully the wait isn't so long. This whole thing is definitely a rollercoaster, we all have our bad times, but remember we're all here whenever you need us! Good luck hun.

    .x.
  • Thanks for your messages girls - you wouldn't believe how much it helps me hearing from you. I feel like the rest of the world couldn't even begin to understand.

    LittleB - not sure that particular abbreviation will catch on... Hehehh! The abbreviation looks longer than writing it out in full! Anyway I'll be squeezing your hand until it turns blue!!

    MrsAmanda - I haven't spent much time in Clapham but I've always heard good things. Hope you manage to find something agreeable to do with your embryos - this whole thing is such a minefield, isn't it?

    Trixie - so where are you in London? My husband is determined to get things done so we're going to look into our different options and he's now offering to work weekends contracting for his old work to generate an income that we could put aside as an IVF fund. Maybe I should get a holiday job then this summer and we could get some cash together. But it's just at this time when we need a diversion and to have some spare cash to go and enjoy...... I guess it's the same for most people, huh?

    Anyways have a good day girls and miracle dust to you all (Little B - that might be easier to abbreviate - lol!!).

    H xxx
  • Hi MrsR,

    No worries, I really do understand what you mean, having the girls on here to talk to has been such a help for me, it's so important to have other people that understand.

    I'm in NW London, South Hampstead. Your DH sounds like a real sweetheart wanting to make sure you get it sorted. It sounds like maybe weekend work or a holiday job might be the solution! I totally know what you mean about then wanting to just enjoy the money after all this stress, but I would just see how you go and make a decision what to do with the money when you have it. It definitely is something that most of us face I think - for me personally our money is 100% going towards IVF, as to be honest I think if I used it for a holiday or something I would spend the whole time away wishing I had used it for treatment! But that's a really personal choice, and you should use it for whatever way is going to help you the most. Sometimes a holiday or a shopping spree is just so needed! If this IVF attempt works for us, you can be sure we will be saving for a holiday asap!!

    Anyway good luck hun, and keep us up to date with what you guys decide and any news.x.
  • Hampstead's lovely - we were in Camden when I first moved to London so we weren't too far away back then!
    Under pressure to go on a holiday cos my in-laws have never been abroad and they and my DH's family are all going away to celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary. It's kind of a special one but I will die if we don't do the IVF. DH is trying his best to negotiate a few deals on the sidelines so fingers crossed. I, like you, would not enjoy the holiday one bit if we'd forfeited a cycle of IVF to go on it.
    So it's weekend work for poor DH and I've just signed up to do some tutoring. I feel a bit like when I was a student working in the pub to pay my fees!!
    H xx
  • Hiya,

    Oh cool, so we really were quite near at some point then, I worked in Camden for a few months recently too! Shame you aren't still there as we could have met up and shared this crazy experience face to face : )

    So you are in a bit of a situation then with the holiday, what a pain that the anniversary has to be now!! Haha. Do you think there is any way you can get out of it?

    It sounds like you and your DH are doing everything you can to make this happen as soon as possible, so good on you. In a way it might help as you will both be busy and will feel like you're 'doing' something to get you closer to treatment. It's a shame you can't enjoy your holidays relaxing, but you never know, by the end of the summer you might have made enough money to do it. Our cycle is costing about ??4200 which I think isn't too bad really, especially in London. I've heard of some people having to pay a lot more than that, and ICSI adds another ??1000 or so on as well, so if you are having straight IVF you can get it for not too crazy an amount. Anyway, well done to both you and your DH for signing up for extra work, you're on your way to getting the money you need and it will be so worth it : )

    Hope you're feeling ok abut everything now too chick, it's a hard road but we'll all get there!!.x.
  • Yeah that is a shame - but imagine if we met for a coffee what conversations people would overhear?? -I think we'd clear Starbucks!!
    Anyway I signed up for some one-to-one tutoring today which should bring in a bit of extra cash this summer and my husband is doing bits and bobs. I've also decided to get a credit card with a large limit and do a 0% balance transfer so we can pay it off over the next year or so without incurring extra charges.
    Feel so much more positive again now I feel we can get our hands on the money somehow. I'm not a loan or debt type person - only mortgage and student loans here - we didn't even get our car on finance - but all my money principles have gone out of the window now!!
    I guess it just shows how important this is to me. I was in a black hole for three days when they told me 18 months but now we've got a plan coming together I'm feeling much better - it's that rollercoaster again!!
    Just gotta try and make sure if it works we can still afford a pram - don't even wanna think about that and jinx myself. But gutted if it doesn't work and we're too skint to drown our sorrows......
    Hope you have a fab weekend xxx
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