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20 years old, want an elective ceasarean, midwife says NO!?
Hi everyone
I have a bit of a dilemma and I would really appreciate some feedback...
I'm 20 and have found out I'm pregnant. it's not a bad thing and my fiance and I are rally happy, but I'm freaking out about the birth. I was sexually assaulted at 16 and have been VERY uncomfortable and uneasy with anyone looking 'down there' or touching me at all since- I wasn't even intimate with my fiance at all until after we had lived together for 4 months. I've always had terrifying dreams about this and since finding out about the pregnancy the dreams have become horrific nightmares about giving birth to demons and really grotesque things that make me sick just to think about.
Added to this, I have absolutely NO pain threshold and am very tiny- no hips at all, not exactly a birthing body.
I spoke to my midwife about all of this and she was completely unsympathetic and said there was no way she would agree for me to have an elective ceasarean and she is also against using drugs in birth and keeps pressuring me into doing it completely naturally. I tried requesting another midwife but where I live they are few and far between and I've basically been told by my surgery that I need to just not annoy her or try and switch or else I won't be able to find another one.
I don't know what to do- I'm even considering leaving England to return to my home in Canada where elective ceasareans are the mother's choice, not the midwife's, because it terrifies me so much. I don't want to uproot myself and my fiance but I'm afraid we will have to if I cannot get through to anyone here!
HELP!!![:\](https://forum.madeformums.com/resources/emoji/confused.png ":\")
?
I have a bit of a dilemma and I would really appreciate some feedback...
I'm 20 and have found out I'm pregnant. it's not a bad thing and my fiance and I are rally happy, but I'm freaking out about the birth. I was sexually assaulted at 16 and have been VERY uncomfortable and uneasy with anyone looking 'down there' or touching me at all since- I wasn't even intimate with my fiance at all until after we had lived together for 4 months. I've always had terrifying dreams about this and since finding out about the pregnancy the dreams have become horrific nightmares about giving birth to demons and really grotesque things that make me sick just to think about.
Added to this, I have absolutely NO pain threshold and am very tiny- no hips at all, not exactly a birthing body.
I spoke to my midwife about all of this and she was completely unsympathetic and said there was no way she would agree for me to have an elective ceasarean and she is also against using drugs in birth and keeps pressuring me into doing it completely naturally. I tried requesting another midwife but where I live they are few and far between and I've basically been told by my surgery that I need to just not annoy her or try and switch or else I won't be able to find another one.
I don't know what to do- I'm even considering leaving England to return to my home in Canada where elective ceasareans are the mother's choice, not the midwife's, because it terrifies me so much. I don't want to uproot myself and my fiance but I'm afraid we will have to if I cannot get through to anyone here!
HELP!!
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Replies
If you have NO pain threshold then why do you want a c-section? It's major surgery, they cut through 6 layers to get to your baby and it takes several months to recover. You have to have a catheter fitted (which is very intrusive down there), you are on a drip for 12 hours and drugs for days. You are able to hold or tend to your baby for the first 12 hours and even need help after this time. It really isn't the easy way out.
The other thing to consider is if you planned a c-section then there is always the chance that you could go into labour early. How would you feel then?
I'm really not sure what the answer is. I understand about the sexual assault and I'd maybe suggest dealing with this, as it is the underlying problem. Why not have a chat to your GP, maybe counselling. Sorry I couldn't offer more support x
Lawso is right about the pain thing. It really hurts! So much so that I have turned down an elective and am gonna try for a VBAC.
And there will be intervention 'down below' because of the catheter.
Also try contacting the matty unit at the hospital. I had a de-briefing about my daughters birth because it was less than ideal and was offered councilling through them. They were very helpful and supportive.
The NCT may also be able to help?
Am sorry you are feeling like this. Dont be fobbed off by the midwife. She does have a boss somewhere who i'm sure would be helpful too. They dont tend to like complaints!
Hope that helps and good luck
Serena
- Speak to your hospital ask to be under consultant led care and speak to them.
- there will be at the end of the day things going on down there whether you end up with a c section or not - so I would go to a GP and seek help and counselling,
Even scans can sometimes have to be done internally x - the catheter - the section itself is literally cut along the crease above your bits so they will be down in that area x x
Sorry couldnt be more helpful x
I disagree that a c-section's always painful; mine was fine, recovered easily, walked after 4 hours, no pain at all just a weird pulling feeling when I sat up. My hospital prescribed good painkillers for me so it was a breeze. YES you have to have a catheter but that is virtually painless.
I DO think your midwife is being extremely unsupportive! She could have at least gently advised that a natural birth is best BUT there are ways to help you : counselling, support groups, the best pain relief in labour.
I'd change practices if you have to. sexual assault is a serious issue that will haunt and torment women for years and totally change their life and choices. Your real fears can't be dismissed with a 'natural birth with no pain relief is best'...bloomin heck its not the middle ages!!!!
take care xxxxx
[Modified by: GothicGirl on March 28, 2010 10:30 AM]
Many of us were trying to give 'proper' advice but it is difficult when we haven't been in that position.
I'm glad that there is someone who can give some clearer advice because they have been in a similar situation but speaking for myself I was giving the best advice I could.
Serena
As I am writing I would like to clear up about holding the baby immediately afterwards. I was unable to look after my baby myself (and this still really hurts me today) but the MW's were excellent and would pass him to me whenever I wanted. As I was numb up to my chest and bed-bound due to the catheter, I wasn't able to tend to him myself.
Also wanted to add the catheter doesn't hurt one bit but is very intrusive. Even with all the things I have said if I were to have another baby, I would probably opt for a CS.
I just wanted to offer you the facts based on my experience. Don't hesitate to ask if you want clarification on anything x
If you want to hang me for saying that all your other commetns are offensive then fine im sick of ladies on this forum thinking that they know everything and their advice is the be all and end all,
Im by no means saying any of you that have commented on this topic are ladies like that, But some people need to see the bigger picture.
You have all had sections for many reasons and like all natural births healing times are differnt and we react to things diff
yes its major surgery and yes the healing time after is sooo painfull and its by no way a easy way out of giving birth, but the OP needs proper advice from people who have had a section for her reasons,
im sorry if my comment was a little harsh but if you havent been through it you cant even see how hard internal exams are and being looked at down there all the time and how tramatic it can be for someone who has been sexual abused, and im sorry but for me having a section is the only way i can give birth, and that out numbers all the down sides of a section
lawso, i agree the not being able to hold baby and look after him after the section is very very hard, and i guess i was just so upset by all the other comments that i didnt want to go into detail on my short comment i posted hence why i asked the op to email me,
tbh im sick of how judgemental ladies are on this forum, at the end of it all, we all want whats best for our unborn babies and whats best for us.
[Modified by: GothicGirl on March 28, 2010 10:53 AM]
as with getting a c section if you can't get one fight for it or go private.
as with having a c section, you feel no pain in childbirth, when they put the cath in when u have been numbed down there and you don't feel a thing.
the pain after birth is different with everyone and I would say it was so much better for me having 2 c section than 1 birth dont feel scared of the risks or the pain because any pain you will get in pains on your scar, and they give you great pain killers.
If you have NO pain threshold then why do you want a c-section? It's major surgery, they cut through 6 layers to get to your baby and it takes several months to recover. You have to have a catheter fitted (which is very intrusive down there), you are on a drip for 12 hours and drugs for days. You are able to hold or tend to your baby for the first 12 hours and even need help after this time. It really isn't the easy way out.
The other thing to consider is if you planned a c-section then there is always the chance that you could go into labour early. How would you feel then?
having a cath being put in is not intrusive, your birth was different and she is asking for support so dont try to scare her. if she goes into labour and has a c section planned if she can she get a em c section. they will do it earlier to prevent this. xx
However I will not change my opinion on a catheter being intrusive - how can it not be? You have tubing placed up inside you collecting your urine, which has to then be emptied regularly. It's not painful in anyway but intrusive, personally I think it was.
As you are still in the early days, I was just wanted to offer my opinion based on my experience and gave you some things to think about. I do hope you are able to get support from another MW/GP and get the birth you desire x
Also there is a lot of pressure on finances within the NHS and many, many people request c-sections for all different reasons but because they cost around 4 - 5000 pounds they try to be very strict as to who can have one. That money will come out of the budget somewhere else and that is the reason that unless there is a medical need, people are encouraged to opt for a vaginal delivery,
If you can afford tickets to Canada then surely, if you were adamant about a section, then you could put that money towards a private op?
I do sympathise but i think having a c-section might just help you avoid this one issue on this one occasion but won't help you in the longer term and may end up causing probs for you in the future.
I hope that you can get some resolution to this. x
i had an emergency section, and it wasnt painful but it does make things difficult, you need to be extra prepared as you cant do a lot of things you can with a normal delivery, you cant drive for 6 weeks nor do any lifting stretching etc, i was lucky that hubby was very helpful but when he went back to work it was very hard, most of the care you give your baby involves moving around which i found very hard. esp the bending down.
i am a nurse and have looked after ladies who have had the surgery you would have having a section, (hysterectomy etc) and they are usually on bedrest for 2 days as well as being off work for 12 weeks, we are expected to get on with things having a newborn, its not easy.
i can empathise that you are worried about having someone "down there" but unfortunatly having a section does not avoid this, you would be numb there though so wouldnt feel anyhthing but they have to put in a catheter as the spinal sends your muscles to sleep so to speak and having one enables you to still pass urine and take away the pressure, if you refuse one the chances are you would need one after the surgery anyway which i feel would be worse
i would definatly change midwives though, you just need to call the head of the team and explain the situation, i would also suggest getting in touch with a counciler too x
That isn't true. Your consultant would have to agree to it. Rachel1677 it is different once you've had a section as there are more risks associated with a vaginal birth subsequently so you usually would be able to have a second section on request once you've had the first.
P.S. - I had no pain whatsoever after my operation and was holding and feeding my son straight after the op.
[Modified by: Minnagg on April 07, 2010 12:14 PM]
[Modified by: Minnagg on April 07, 2010 12:54 PM]
I am not a fan of lifestyle sections BUT I think yours is a section due to terror and for good reason.
I think your midwife is a disgrace to her profession and at the end of the day it is not her decision. When will you see your consultant? You need to see one at some point in pregnancy so make sure you talk to him. If she won't recommend you to a consultant then ring NHS direct and ask them for advice?
When I was having my children the amount of checking 'down there' is so minimal that I was pretty suprised. i thought someone would have there hands in there all the time. They hardly check you at all these days. You could ask to be only checked when 100% neccessary? Once it comes to delivery you will be so busy dealing with the pushing and the breathing that you maybe won't even realise that a mw is there ( i say maybe as I have not been in your situation so I cant comment on how you would feel.)
The thing abouta section is that it is major surgery. i hated my section more than I hated getting a 3rd degree tear and needing numerous stitches in and out my lady bits! Some people are up and doing an aerobic class within 10 mins of a section but for most it takes about 6 weeks to heal and for things to feel normal again.
You really need to talk to a professional who can give you good advice. Your mw sounds a cow and you need to speak to someone higher than her and get the help you need.
good luck
d xx
Wow - lots of opinions on here. I'm South African and c/sections are the mothers choice too so can understand in that way how you feel.
I feel desperately sad for you that you have been abused and now have to see a midwife that is so close minded and think that her way is the right way that she cannot even discuss the topic with you.
I had an emergency c/section and can tell you from my experience that it was not too painful and my trauma was more about my labour as I wasn't really looked after properly. Barely remember the catheter but as a nurse, I know that it is a few seconds to insert it. Unfortunately, no matter which way your bubba comes out it will probably involve a bit of prodding down below.
A c/section is riskier for you and the baby physically but I am amazed that in this day and age, psychological issues are ignored - if you had a physical issue you would not be ignored.
I don't think that there is going to be an easy option about how to get round this, I think there may be confrontation involved but if it was me I would bypass the midwife (perhaps in a letter) and state your case and send it to the head of midwiffery at your hospital.
I really hope that you get what you want - it makes me very upset to read your story. GOOD LUCK!
I have never had a c-section but both myself and my sister were sexually abused when we were young. We both have said that we don't like the thought of having anyone 'down there' but we have both also had two children vaginally. I won't lie and tell you it was fine, because I did feel quite vulnerable and stipulated that I didn't want a male midwife or any male doctors in the room at the time and did check every time the door opened who was coming in. In all honesty though, when it got to the crunch and I just wanted the baby out I really didn't care what was happening, I was purely focused on delivering my babies, and I don't regret for one second not having a c-section because it was a wonderful experience (for me).
I would echo what some of the other ladies have said though, something needs to be done about your midwife, you are trusting her with the care of you and your unborn baby and that needs to be provided by someone you trust. I had various midwives and found that some of them were just plain rude and very blinkered in their care. I reported one I had because in my opinion she just wasn't up to the job.
I'd also agree with the counselling comments. If you have never been for counselling for the abuse before i would certainly recommend it, and you never know, from that you may find that a c-section is recommended.
Good luck
I can't shed any light on whether a c section is painful as I have never had one and a c -section even an epidural is my worst fear...
I think your best route would be going to your doctor and talking about your fears, seeing a counsellor and being diagnoised with that fear of childbirth takasomething (sorry i can't remember name)
you mention going back to Canada i'm not sure whether you have to pay for healthcare there like you do in the USA but if you do you may as well look into private healthcare here.
I am having my baby privately in London and have decided not to have a c-section, if i did want one it would have been about ??10,000 give or take a couple of 1000 depends on how many nights you have to stay in after as my hospital charge ??1200 a night...
not sure how cost differs around the country I assume London is one of the most expensive places to go esp the hospital i'm at so you may find it's quite a bit less elsewhere but just thought i'd give you a rough idea...
Good luck and I hope the doctor listens to you and your concerns.
I am also doing a hypnobirthing course.. you may find doing something like this will help you ovecome the fear slightly along with counselling if they flat out refuse to give you one.
XXX