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Does anyone feel like they 'missed out'?

Hi - i had an emergency section 7 weeks ago today. I was induced due to Pre-Eclampsia and had 8 hours early labour (only progressed to 2cms) before having an emergency section due to foetal distress. Im so grateful my baby go here safely and would want an elective next time in order to prevent going through the traumatic induction process i went through last time, not to mention the danger to my baby but I was reading some birth stories today and felt a bit jealous at the process they went through. I feel a bit like I failed to deliver her properly and therefore not a proper woman or mother. Perhaps Im just feeling hormonal and emotional about what happened but i cant help feeling like i failed and feel quite sad about it all x

Replies

  • I had a c-section 6 months ago due to failed induction and yes, I do feel like I missed out. I'm sure that you are not alone and it is quite normal to feel like you do.

    I never experienced labour at all and I'm envious of people who have nice, normal deliveries, where the baby is placed on the tummy with the cord still attached. But I have a healthy little boy who is an absolute delight and I am just thankful he's here at all. It doesn't make me feel like I failed or I'm not a proper woman or mother, though and I hope these feelings pass over for you soon xx
  • My section was over 13 months ago and I'm still dwell on it sometimes. I was induced at 41+4, I feel I missed on so much, waters breaking at home, staying at home as long as possible, mad dash to the hospital: all the things you see on TV.

    At the time, it didn't bother me. I just wanted baby out safely and was glad the end was insight when they suggested the section.

    Afterwards, I felt less of a woman because I didn't deliver lo and then couldn't feed him - my wound was infected and the pain was horrendous when I held him close. I also felt guilty for not having a birth plan, I felt that somehow this would have prevented the section. I also found bonding difficult, how did I know for sure he was mine? I didn't 'feel' him being delivered. What if someone had made a mistake and they'd come and take this baby off of me? I was diagnosed with PND less than 3 weeks after my section, I'll never know if the I would have still suffered from it if I'd had a 'normal birth'

    I had an birth 'after thoughts' type of meeting with my midwife, which was useless, she seemed in a rush and I still don't know exactly how far I managed, the infection I caught or even the cause. Anti-D's dulled my feelings, but i needed to deal with them. I saw a councellor for around 6 months and she was fantastic, I was rushed up the list luckily. She made me realise that I did what I was advised to be the best course of action for my baby and he was my son (there's no denying it now he's gettting more like me) and that it doesn't really matter how he came into the world, I carried him for near 10 months, followed all the guidelines and took care of us.

    I think I'll always have a sadness about his birth, but it was an experience and it was ours, me and my baby boy..

    You're not alone, speak to your midwife or gp, maybe even just seeing your labour notes will make you feel better.xx

    (sorry for my crazy long ramble!)

  • Hi

    Yes, i really feel like I missed out too. I went in at 42 weeks to be induced, then they discovered dd was breech so ended up with a section, never experienced labour either.

    Like McGillair, my section was over 13 months ago and I still dwell on it too and feel a bit jealous reading other peoples birth stories. I got PND as well, but there were a lot of other big changes in my life at that time so who knows if it would have been any different with a normal birth, and in the end i got through it just with counselling. But i still don't feel like i 'had' her, she was just removed from me without me doing anything. I also had big problems with bonding.

    it's only recently that I've started to feel it's OK, and i need to resolve this and finally move on, which is why I've been back on BE and looking at this forum a bit. and am also starting to feel broody again image wasn't expecting that so soon!

    I found a website www.caesarean.org.uk which has lots of stuff about sections and VBAC, and I emailed the woman Gina, she mailed back and was really nice. would also suggest you speak to your midwife or gp if the bad feelings don't pass.

    Aileen xx
  • i was devestated after my section, which i belive led to not being able to BF or bond with my son straight away. i was sectioned due to LO getting stuck, i laboured for nearly 15 hours 3 hours of pushing before i was taken to theatre, i almost feel cheated that i couldnt push him out, i also feel annoyed that i was not encouraged to move around during labour, i was in no state to think about it and wonder weather this may have helped move LO,

    we plan to have another baby and would love a VBAC, i know if i go over i am likely to be sectioned as they dont like to induce post section but as LO was early i am not sure what will happen next time, i really want to experience it, i know it sounds silly but i feel very dissapointed in myself for not managing x
  • Hi,

    I've had 3 c-sections and about to have no4 in just over 2 weeks _ i've never feeled like I failed I was just glad to have bubs out safe and sound. When I hear about all the women who tear and have infections and are quite distressed over a natural birth I actually breate a sigh of relief.
    My first was induced 3 times and ended in distress I am so glad that the midwife moved me to the labour ward and broke my waters as she may have not been here now - thats what did it for me. Yes a c-section is painful aftewards, but the joy of safely having my babies in my arms - negates all that!
    The birth is just a vry small part of the overall process of bringing children up.
    I hope i haven't offended anyone x
  • I also had a c-section after failed induction so didn't experience labour at all. I feel the same as taffygirl and mia's mummy - really relieved as I found the birth very relaxed and a fantastic experience. I don't feel I have missed out at all when I hear friends' stories about painful contractions, tears, pushing for hours etc. I am having a 2nd elective c-section later this year and can't wait. Also hope that hasn't offended anyone but for me having a c-section was great and I didn't make me feel like a failure at all.
  • please dont feel my post was saying that those who have had a section failed in any way shape or form, its just my emotional response to what happened to me. At the time i was incredibly relieved as just wanted my baby here safe but i had a terrible midwife who made me feel weak and pathetic (see my other topics for my birth story) and ive come away from the experience feeling a bit rubbish about myself.
  • You have done one of the most amazing things in the world and your midwife should be shot!! x
  • hey

    I just read your birth story and what a horrible midwife!! why on earth is she doing that job she's obviously not cut out for it at all! well done for getting through it and what a nice anaesthitist (sp?) at the end.

    gorgeous pictures of your little girl :\)

    I agree with what the others are saying that at the end of the day it's about getting your baby here safely, and also at the time that's what i felt too and was just delighted that she was here, in fact i even remember sitting in the post natal ward talking to other people and feeling quite glad about the way it had all happened! it was just afterwards the negative emotions started about it, which I wish hadn't happened, but I guess it was all tangled up with PND which didn't help....

    good luck taffygirl for next lo arrival in 2 weeks!!
  • G/C
    I didn't have a C-Section, but I was induced due to protein in my urine (I didn't have pre-eclampsia, but my consultant was very worried that I'd get it), I feel like I missed out on a "normal" labour and I feel I had a very traumatic experience because I'm useless with pain and the drip made the contractions come fast and strong, which was awful.
    My mum had a C-Section with her first baby, and felt just like you, she felt like she'd been cheated out of a normal labour and birth so she went on to have three more babies naturally.
    xxx
  • Hi hunny. I had a planned c section 7 weeks ago on monday. I knew from that start i would always need a section and also that the baby would probably come early. He was 4 weeks early and ended up in scbu in intensive care. Im so happy he is fine now and it was the safest and quickest way to get him here. I think because i always knew it would be a section, natural birth never even crossed my mind. I sometimes wondered what contractions would feel like and things like that but it was just curiosity not a feeling of failure. Xxx
  • I'm a bit like gash02 really, my c-section was planned and so I had time to get used to the idea and it was a calm experience rather than traumatic birth. I have thought about it since having my lo, I often wonder what the "mad dash" to hospital would have been like, and after watching One Born Every Minute, I do wonder what sort of woman I would have been like giving birth "naturally" e..g a screamer, calm, irritable, screaming for G&A lol.

    I sort of feel I can't say in jest in conversation "you're in pain, you should try giving birth" lol, because I don't feel I did if that makes sense.

    For me though I haven't really thought about it that much, am just so happy lo is here safe and I am loving every minute of her image

    Do talk to you HV or GP if the feelings do start to get you down too much though hon, you're a wonderful mother I'm sure and 100% woman - you conceived and carried and delivered a beautiful baby - you're no less a woman than one that had to go through alot of pushing and panting!

    xxx
    Modified cos I can't type today!

    [Modified by: babybelle73 on June 27, 2010 05:42 PM]

  • Hey PP. I have real mixed feelings about mine (which was 10 weeks ago). On one hand, it was a hugely positive experience (sectioned due to failure to progress - there was no foetal distress). It was all dealt with so camly and after 30 hours (and only getting to 8cm) I was just so glad to finally meet her. Of course, I do also realise I have not, and maybe never will, be in 'the club' if you know what I mean. Thing is, I was in so much pain with my contractions due to the drip (had an epidural at 2cm!!! :lol: ) that I am likely to go for a section next time as well. I think it has turned me into a bit of a wimp!

    K x
  • iv had 3 sections, and have never felt like iv missed out i think its each person to there own, your midwife is awful and that must have contributed to your feeling, when i was pg with dd1 i was so excited for a natural water birth as little pain relife as possible, but at 40+3 i went to hospital due to swelling and after few tests was told i had pre-eclampsia and the wernt willing to wait the baby needed to be out by 6.00pm tonight so off home for my bag then had her at 7.10pm that day, i was bit gutted before the op but once i had it and i knew we were both safe i couldnt have cared less, as taffygirl said the birth is such a small part,my dd2 was section through my choice due to her being a large baby, and dd3 was my choice as i belived it was the safest way for both me and her. i think ladies that have sections do need to be reasured that they have done the right thing for the right resons not make to feel crap about the situation, your her mummy and every woman has a different birth no matter which path that birth has gone down its there own and so so special. hope you feel better about your experience soon, you brought your healthy baby into this world safe and thats the most important thing.
    xxx
  • I had an emergency c-section 4 weeks ago today.
    When thinking about having my baby, I didn't for one minute think I would have to have an emergency c-section. It was one of those things I thought happened to other people, if you see what I mean?

    My little boy was due on 30th June, and on 3rd July, my fore waters broke, but I had no contractions. Hospital told me I would have to go back on the Monday (5th July) to be induced if I hadn't started naturally.
    Early hours of 5th July, my hind waters broke and I started having contractions naturally. After getting to hospital, I was examined and was 2cms dilated.
    I went with all pain relief possible - G&A, pethidine & epidural. LO was back to back, and after 16 and a half hours from my contractions starting, and having his heart rate drop and also mine dropped, I was taken for a c-section.
    Baby was distressed, was in an awkward position and I hadn't progressed past 6cms.
    I ended up begging for them to give me the section as I was shattered and wanted my baby out safely.
    It turns out the cord was wrapped around his neck and he was effectively strangling himself each time he pushed down.

    I did feel a bit of a failure afterwards, as I was in so much pain and still numb from the epidural, that I couldn't even pick my son up to feed him. image
    I also had an infection of my womb lining a week after my section, so that also dragged me down.

    When I got home though I remembered the important thing, that my son was here safe and sound, and had they let me carry on naturally that things could have been very different.
    xx
  • I'm also in 2 minds about mine. On one hand I recovered very well and found my c-section a positive experience. On the other, I too felt cheated out of a natural labour, and I feel sick with jealousy when I read positive birth stories. I was induced (did most of labour - 7cm -but not the pushing) and I believe that inductions end in more c-sections than a natural labour. Next time I plan to do my research and refuse induction until 14 days over. I'm desperate for a VBAC, but I really hope I don't tear as that's something I'm scared of! xxx
  • firstly, my wording isn't always so tactful, so if you read anything that seems offending, i don't intend it, it just comes across that way.

    firstly, a sweep is generally all that will be offered in the way of induction after a section, they don't like to drip induce VBAC's as it increase the chances of uterine rupture, secondly second births generally move quicker and smoother than first ones. so bare this in mind, and also it is YOUR choice what you opt for and never let anyone influence that.

    my first 2 births were vaginal (not normal because what is normal?), my first i experienced about 20 minutes of labour before having an epidural ( in my opinion only, i felt like a cheat having that as i didn't endure the pain of child birth), second birth was also vaginal, from first twinge to the birth was 2hrs 29 mins, i only used gas and air for this one, and yes it hurt, and crowning truly is the ring of fire (didn't feel this with first because of epidural),

    third birth was by far my worst, terrible pregnancy, labour and birth. my waters went at 34+6, i went into labour 2 days later. i was so desperate for a birth with no pain relief, but the labour pains were horrendous, so i opted for g&a, then pethidine, then epidural, i was 2cms when i went into labour and only 3 cms 7 1/2 hours later. during the labour the pain was really bad, which i found out was due to posterior lie baby, (according to midwifes back to back labours are more painful), they didn't find out he was posterior / oblique (head and shoulder on each hip bone) until i had been in labour for all that time. by that time i had a rapidly worsening temperature, and baby was suffering fetal distress, they decided the best option was emcs, now although i had always stood my ground and stayed adament that i didn't ever want a section, when your baby is in danger, its just a case of 'get the baby out the quickest way possible'. it was a very traumatic time for me, and the trauma carried on for months after the birth, i didn't become pain free until about 6 months after the birth, and my scar still twinges from time to time now.

    so with baby number 4 i wanted a VBAC, now i knew i could give birth vaginally as i had done it before, i did have a section booked but hoped i would go into labour first. again my waters went at 34+6, the following day i wasn't getting any twinges. the consultant came to see me and advised me to go home for the weekend and come back monday to discuss a section (to many reasons not to induce by now), i chose to stay for some strange reason, but its a good job i did as i went into labour that evening, contractions came thick and fast, and i was so scared that it was going to take the same path as lo3 and be in pain for so long, only to have a emcs. i was only 2 cms by the time i got taken over to delivery suite at 18:45, and things weren't looking good, i laboured in my legs so every contraction paralysed me from the waist down, at one point i was getting my husband to dead leg me as it eased the pain. i then decided i wanted another epidural (just incase i got taken to theatre and also just incase my scar split, so i wouldn't have to feel the pain) i had my canula put in and the anaesthetist? went away to sort out the epidural, i stated to the midwife that at this point i wanted to push, so she checked me again and i was fully dilated at 19:22, with no pain relief whatsoever it took me 14 minutes to push skye out, during that time i never thought about my scar splitting or anything, they left her crowning for 2 contraction which really really stung, but she arrived quickly, and the first thing i said was 'i did it with no pain relief', so i had a pain relief free successful VBAC.

    and out of 4 births the only time i have ever had stitches was with my section. i've only ever suffered grazes or minor lacerations with the others.

    i didn't feel cheated out of the birth with my third lo, i was just glad it was all over, and if came to light again that a section is better for baby than vaginal i would have the section, without hesitation, i would rather endure the trauma and pain than my baby.
  • hmm tricky but i have to say - yes i feel i have missed out
    I hate it when people say but at least you didn't feel any pain and why would you want to go through all that, it's not that great ( i want a vbac with this baby). It makes me mad as it is as though some people belong to this club and I couldn't join them. I know labour is hard but i would like to try it!!
    First baby - long story but in short
    contractions every few mins and think managed to get to about 2-3 cm before foetal distress and they broke waters which were full of meconium (baby had opened bowels and swallowed it).
    Took down to theatre immediately and given a c section under a general anaesthetic,which personally (sure some will disagree) I think is even worse as you don't even hear let alone see your baby born and don't until much later (in my cas some 6 hrs or so).
    I suffered pnd, maybe from birth as I found it hard to accept babywas mine as hadn't seen him born (neither had hubby) and obviously a stressful time when he was in intensive care for some time.
    I know that the health is imp but i will always miss that part when baby is put on you, you get to find out the sex, name the baby whislt looking at them etc
    Sorry a bit down
    But.......baby no 2 due in a few months time and am going to go for a vbac if possible although I know that I need to try to remember that this one could end up the same way. But I wnat to give it a go if anyone can understand that?
  • I had an emergency c-section and i found it all very negative. I had it all planned for a home birth at 34 weeks, at 36 weeks went into hospital, baby was fine it was just me, my body failing him (pre-eclampsia and very severe swelling), I was induce on the thursday 37+4 weeks with pessercary gel and all of them, then day of rest where i continued to get poked and prodded and then the drip which the doc thought it would work because he thought my waters and broken, the midwives however were convinced only the hind waters. went through the full 6 or 8 hours and nothing happened except a lot of pain and being refused pain relief as i was only 1cm, whilst my uterus went into spasms for 40mins or so and was finally give G&A and a shot of pethidine all at once though i was now only 1.5cms. At the end of the drip hours the doc poked a bit harder and pop went my waters plus a load of strong contractions, he then advised me to have a C-section, so we had to go in a lift i have a terrible phobia of lifts which doesnt help. The plus side the theatre staff were lovely. Then i had to go back down into the post natal ward with all the mums who had delivered naturally and i felt jealous, i too couldnt hold my baby for the first 24hours as i was drugged up pethidine then hour later, spinal block, then morphine. I did manage to BF the next day and still am.
    I felt then and sometimes now that I failed my son a natural delivery, he was perfectly fine, it was just me. I still get pain now from the CS, so i feel quite negative about the whole experience. sorry to go on.
  • HI

    reading all these stories makes me so sad that so many of you feel upset. I think when you see a birth on tv it all looks so nice and we all think that it should be like that for everyone. Reality, sadly, is that its not.

    I too get mad when people say things like lucky you, having a section. Yes there is little pain during the birth but OMG the pain afterwards is immense.

    I have been lucky enough to have 5 children. 4 vaginally and 1 EMCS. Out of all of them my waters only went once! I think we all imagine they will go with a gush at home and then you will start timing them etc.. Not for me. They have been broken with all except my 3rd. I have had a vaginal breech birth...not nice! An induced at 37 weeks, a horrific back to back with no pain relief, a quick but bloody painful one followed by a heamorrage and an EMCS.

    With the EMCS I did know I was having a section as I had full placenta prevai. However after going into early labour at 34 weeks it became a full scale EMCS.. saved both our lives!

    I did not for a minute feel robbed (granted I had already had 4 babies) I was just grateful that we were both alive.

    Please dont dwell on how your baby come out (hard I know) and try to move forward. If you are having another then make a plan, talk to your care providers and make sure they know how much you want a VBAC this time. However, if it does not work out that way please be assured that labour is not all text book. It hurts, you dont always get the baby on your chest (only one of mine was like that) you tear and have sore lady bits for weeks etc.. I could go on.

    I wish you all the best of luck and try not to feel robbed. I try to remember that my baby and I would not be here if it was not for the procedure...

    d xxx
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