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Persuading OH

Hi ladies, wondered if any f you could help me??
I'm expecting my first baby in January and am desperate for a home birth, my midwife has agreed to it (providing my placenta has moved up by 34 weeks otherwise will have to have caesarean) but my OH is really against it, he is worried about things going wrong and transfer to hospital and about the mess, I have done loads of research about this and explained all the stuff I found out but he still isn't keen.
Was wondering if any else had similar problems and if so how did you get around them?
Thanks in advance.
Jojo
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Replies

  • I can't say I've had similar problems, my OH is really keen on the idea. We're expecting our first in November, and the main reasons he's onboard seem to be that 1) he won't be shoved around by hospital people/made to go home once baby is here if the hours aren't right 2) he knows I'll be MUCH more relaxed at home 3) he knows that complications are always handled by midwives really well, and that if you're blue-lighted over to the hospital you're no more likely to get into theatre for an emergency c section any slower than a woman in hospitalalready, due to the time it takes to prep the room, etc. The mess is easily dealt with, they have to clear it up pretty fast in hospital so it can't be that bad at home! My midwife said non-slip Asda shower curtains are a god-send because you can clean up so easily. Plus she's said they help with that, it's not as if you have the baby then the midwives disappear!

    Probably the biggest factor has been that I've not heard a single good story about birth at my local hospital. I am constantly frightened by the number of women who have gone in for inductions and then just been left until it was so late they had to have a c section, or by women telling hospital staff they think they need to push and being told that they don't, only to find they do and it's too late for the epidural they've been asking to have for hours on end. I know in my own home I'll be in charge, and listened to! If I need the hospital, it's there, hopefully I won't....

    Send your hubby to homebirth.org, it's an amazing site.

    Em 35+1 x x x
  • Hi
    I'm also due in Jan and planning a home birth. What clinched the deal with my DH were:
    1. We would have dedicated midwives with us all the time (one from early in labour and two for the actual birth) rather than having care staff running in and out of a delivery suite in the hospital
    2. The midwives clean up the mess!
    3. We're lucky as the hospital is just around the corner from us so if we needed to go there we could get there quick. How far are you from the hospital? If things get complicated and you need a C section, it takes at least 30 minutes to get the theatre prepped anyway.

    Explain that labour should actually be easier and faster at home as you will be more relaxed - tension slows down labour and makes it more painful.

    And afterwards, he won't be kicked out at the end of visiting hours, all three of you will be able to cuddle up together image

    I'm sure you can convince him !
  • Thanks Em, will make sure he looks at that site, I really don't understand why he is so against it, am going to try and get him to come to next midwife app and see if she can make him see sense!
  • We're only about 10/15 mins away from hospital driving at a leisurely pace!! So no reason for that to be a problem, I tried telling him that he would feel much better not having to leave me in hospital and come home to an empty house but not even that worked! I hate hospitals sooo much which he knows so thought he would at least think about it but at the moment he is still saying he won't budge! Am working on it though!!
  • It sounds like he needs to come round to your decision. I know it's his baby too, and that's really really important, but the labour part is down to you and you alone so you need to be where you feel comfortable and relaxed. It's a widely known fact that labour is harder if you're tense and stressed, and your oh won't want that. I know it sounds harsh, but in the end, this isn't his decision whether he won't budge or not! I really hope he comes round, I'd hate to think it was down to you to make a compromise, seeing as it's you that actually has to go through it sweetheart.

    Em 35+! x x x
  • Hi, i've not had the problem with the placenta so can't help with that one.

    I had my 1st home birth with my 3rd baby. My oh really didn't want me to have him at home but i really did so i just told him, we'll speak to the midwife first and she was really happy for me to go ahead. With a lot of persuading he finally agreed. I had my 3rd, 4th and 5th baby at home and will be having this next baby at home too!!!! My oh wouldn't have it any other way now, i think he's into it more than me. He gets to be there for me the whole time, we can both do what we want when we want. We don't have the hassle of other people and we won't annoy anyone either!! lol
    The best bit though, is being able to get into your own bed or cosy up on the sofa straight away and just relax.
    good luck xxxxxxx

    michelle 12+6
  • Hi Jojo

    Im due any day now and have passed the 36+5 milestone to be allowed to have my homebirth, permitting everything still going well. This is our first birth and fortunately for me, hubby and I both thought about it separately and then discussed it together so it was a no brainer for us to go ahead with it. He understands my fear and anxiety with hospitals and medical things so knows its much better for me to be in a relaxed environment, away from the hustle and bustle and bright lights. So I can highlight the reasons we are happy with our choice which might help:

    - only 10 mins to hospital, 5 mins by ambulance if need arises to go there (our only initial concern)

    - looking at the birth centre it still seemed too clinical and hospital-like (stark bright lights, not very homely at all like it suggested it would be)

    - guaranteed a water birth with our own pool at home instead of relying on the birth pool being available in the birth centre when I go in

    - constant care from a mw (actually 2 of them) rather than having to share them with many other ladies in labour in the birth centre or hospital (and risking no one being around when you need them!!...ive heard of some girls delivering their own baby when the midwife walked out of the room, another friend was left for 4hrs whilst in her last labour)

    - as soon as you step foot into a hospital you have already increased your chances of medical intervention (not good if this is not what you want, no problem if you want it!)... the rate of induction and c-section increases if you are in hospital compared to at home

    - more in control of our surroundings at home (lighting, music, tv/dvds to pass the time...geez Id even get on the Wii if I have to!!)

    - hubby isnt kicked out if not regular visiting hours; you get to all snuggle up together in the bed afterwards!

    - no anxiety while transit to the hospital (I well up just thinking about it!! :x ); no disruption to your relaxation techniques if you don't have to go anywhere

    - midwives take all the mess away

    - you have all your creature comforts at home (e.g. I have my birth ball, maternity bean bag) which may not be available at the birth centre or hospital when you get there; I have all the food and drinks in my cupboard/fridge (how do I know what i really want when in labour??)

    - mws brought around our birth kit at 34wks (though I think it's normally 36 wks) - it has everything in it that they need but they only expect to use about 5% of it...(the gloves!)... the kit includes resuscitation/oxygen for you and your baby and or mws are trained annually on infant resuscitation.

    I could probably go on forever now that I have started.

    As you can see from a few of us posting on here, this is a first birth for many of us so you don't need a test run before you do it. Perhaps your OH is a little afraid since it's your first and he doesnt know what to expect.

    I tend to agree though with Emily, although this is yours and your OH's baby, this is your birth as you are the one to deliver your baby. If you are going to be more scared in the hospital, then it will make you more tense, which could make things last longer and possibly cause more pain or require medical intervention!

    A lot of people freak out about the whole home birth thing. My mum and dad did, as did most of my friends, and the inlaws. It was unheard of to them and they were all skeptical. It was because they were worried (and it isn't /wasn't something they could do themselves). Others say "oh your'e brave to do that" but there is nothing brave about it. .... you are more brave going to the hospital I say!! :lol: But the underlying thing is that people try to dissuade you because they are concerned. But often they just aren't informed or educated. Home births are completely safe if you are considered low risk.

    Hopefully something in my marathon post has helped, if you havent yet put it all to your OH. All the best and do let him know that it is YOU who has to go through this experience, moreso than him!

    Good luck image

    xx
    37wks today
  • Thanks sim that was really helpful, we spoke a bit more about it last night and I think he can probably be persuaded. I just don't want to do it unless he is comfortable with it as if he is tense on the day I know I will be worrying about him as well as thinking about giving birth!
    It doesn't help that his mother keeps going on about how good hospitals are (what????) and how she was really pleased to be able to stay there for a whole week when he was born (sounds like my worst nightmare if you ask me!).
    How did you go about talking family and friends round or did they still not agree, i'm not too worried about them just feel like I need some amunition for when they start criticising our choices!?
    Thank you for all your replies they have been really useful!
    Jojo
  • hi jojo
    i had a fab homebirth and my hubby was totally against it to begin with, now he is talking of the next birth at home - he wrote his experiences up for a talk at our local homebirth group - there should still be the threas in this section - homebirth story written by my hubby - tells it all really!!

    any questions - email me!!
    it is well worth persisting with him because if you do get to do it at home, its amazing!! i'm sure it would be either way too tho lol!

    jane xxx
  • the birth story written by soon's DH was brill you should really get your DH to read it.
  • awww thanks michelle, i'll tell him later! he was sooo chuffed when people liked it!

    jojo, i found myself ignoring people's opinions about it, or not telling too many people full stop. those close to me know me and know i'm stubborn and will do what i want if i want something that badly and it is safe to do so - plenty of people were converted eventually!! and those who told me i was mad, and then recounted with joy thier terrible birth story in hospital.... i quite simply ignored! you do get quite wise to ignoring these stories. however, my biggest fear, and its pathetic, was the worry of not getting t he birth i wanted because i couldnt stand the pain or some intervention was req'd and the response i'd get from the people who were sceptocal of it int he first place. i need not have worried - it was so quick - i believe because i was so relaxed and confident of my own body's abilities!!

    if you havent already get ina may gaskin's guide to natural birth - not 100% sure that is the correct title but well worth a read!!

    j xxx
  • It wasnt a matter of talking friends and family around...but moreso them understanding, and accepting, that this was OUR choice. It's not their birth hon, people need to respect your wishes. They can have their opinions, we are all entitled to them, but they don't make your decisions.
    Like soon said, you just learn to ignore them, or not to engage with people who arent accepting of your decision.

    My dad "came round" to the idea after one of his customers came into his shop (he is in Australia) who is a British doctor who had just got back to oz. He asked him about this "home birth stuff" over here and they told him it was quite common and very safe and relaxed. After he heard it from a professional he was ok with it! So maybe thats one thing you could try with your OH...let him hear it from a professional.

    You do need him to be on board though. One thing my mw said to me about my mum coming over for our birth was that she may delay things for me if I am stressing over her stressing over me! Makes sense...so Im hoping she will get here and realise how good a decision I have made, or will miss the birth altogether! (she is arriving 2 days before my due date).

    Just another thought, but have you thought about hypnobirthing? We are using this and this was the real clincher for both me and my hubby deciding on the homebirth. Going down this route really made it hit home that the hospital was the worst place for me to be! And my hubby completely agrees... he says it's a no brainer!

    xx
    37+2
  • I agree - you don't need friends and extended family on board. I unfortunately let myself get drawn into too many conversations about it at work, and the look I'd get told me that people thought I was mad/kidding myself. I don't know why, but the majority of people seem to love correctling you about pregnancy and birth, and they LOVE to laugh about how you think something's going to go. I've got a friend who's insisiting my baby will be a xmas baby, because I'm due on 23rd Nov (eh?!) and "first babies are always at least 2 weeks late". I remember starting a thread in Pregnancy about it, as I was panicking!

    Just worry about your oh getting onboard. I think, once you explain to him that it's the best option for you and you need him to support that because it's you that has to go through it, not him, then hopefully he might start to think about things from a different perspective. Fingers and toes are crossed for you, honey!

    Em 35+4 x x x
  • People talk such rubbish!! my first was born the day befor her dd (the others have all been late) but each baby is different and the come when they are ready!! (are you drinking/taking raspberry leaf? I sware by it!)

    As someone has said they tell you you are mad to stay at home then tell you all about the terrible time they had in hospital?
    Its the same as people always want to tell pg ladies their birth horror stories and how hard having a baby is?? As my friends DH said why does no one want to tell you the good things?

    Anyway. (sorry for the rant lol) have you looked into if there is a homebirth support group near you?
    xx
  • michelle you're so right - I got to the stage where I was lying to my coworkers about how tired I was because I knew if I said I was tired I'd get the same old "Well, you think you're tired now, just wait until the baby comes!" line and I couldn't take it anymore. The way some people would talk about it, you'd wonder why they had more than one child once they found out how 'awful' having the first one was! I swear no one wants to say all the good things, as if they're going to make you suddenly realise that, shock horror, being a parent isn't easy.

    In a nutshell - more women should have the opportunity to have their babies at home. I've thought that for ages, and this is my first, I'm not scared of labour even slightly because (fingers crossed!) I'll be in my own home with all my own things and my own music and my own bed and my own lovely hubby. Hurrah! Of course, in saying that, knowing my luck I'll end up having an emcs and in hospital - arg!

    Em 35+4 x x x
  • hi guys
    i love this thread - gives us homebirthers a chance to be honest - which is not often allowed amongst our pregnant or new mommy friends!!

    emily - i kept banging on about the homebirth to my closest family and one or two friends who supported my decision but nearer the end i was like oh poo what if i cant stand the pain and need to go in for an epidural i'll be so embarassed - like that wuld be all i was worrying about lol! but i neednt have worried - it was v quick, v bearable with gas and air and never once did i think baout going to hospital or needing any more pain relief. i swear thats because i was at home and relaxed - the only bit that took the time was the pushing and thinking back i was scared at that point and i really think that fear held me back - once i had embraced it and dropped the gas and air i hasten to add - see it can be done drug free!! - iwas fine!!

    yesterday i met up with my nct crowd, we meet most weeks and the nasty comments i get sometimes are harsh!! my hubby wants me to stop going - i think they think they are just being funny but its quite eye opening! yesterday i was gigling about hubby wanting twin boys next, and one of them said sneerily, 'oh you gona have them at home then?!' and talking about experiences with forceps and ventouses - all the other members of the crowd had intervention in shape of ventouse/forceps or c-section - when got to me one said 'oh yes, but you have your problems now' referring to the fact that my baby has problems with her hips and is a harness to correct them! i just thought to myself, some people cant just be accepting when things go well for other people can they

    and i think thats the point of this very long rant lol, if thats a badge of honour to be worn for how long they sweat for or how many drugs they had or how much pain they were in etc, then some people will wear it for all to see, i cant state how important it is for the people who are willing to say ' it isn;t that bad' to come forward and reassure and inform those who are open to doing it a little differently! i learned to ignore these 'bad experience badge wearers' and craved the 'its ok' experiences. i'm so glad i did. but i know if i'dv ended up in hospital, i wouldve still be armed with techniques and info to make it more bearable, even though for me that still would have freaked me out.

    hope thats not caused anyone any offence, some people say i was so lucky, but we put so much effort into planning it and i was so adamant, that it couldn't just have been all luck!

    keep up the positivity girls!!
    xxxx

  • The way i see it is, you go to hospital if you're ill, you're not ill your going to have a baby and for me personally the best place i can be to have my baby is at home. xxxxx
  • I am one of the people who can say labour isn't really that bad! (in fact i quite enjoy it?) And i often get told how "lucky" i am because i have "easy" labours But i agree with soon that is because I work at making them as easy as possible!! Someone said i was lucky the other day then told me her "horror" story about going into hospital and lying flat on her back for 26 hr until they delivered the baby by ventouse? and she really thinks that was down to luck?

    sorry for ranting and going off topic a bitimage

    Do you know if there is a homebirth support group near you? Where do you live?
    xx

  • I hope you have by now persuaded your OH Jojo!! We seem to have taken over your thread with all our backing for a homebirth!! image But the proof is in the pudding!

    And I agree.... down to luck my butt!! A mw I had come across at a breast feeding class at the hospital reacted to me saying we were having a home birth with "oh good luck with that!" What it's down to is having a better outlook towards giving birth and having the confidence to do it at home because we arent ill!!! Exactly. Ive said the same thing through my whole pregnancy when people carry on....Im not bloody ill! Im pregnant!! So I will continue to walk up the tube escalators rather than hang on to the manky hand rail and Im 38wks tomorrow!

    I had to go in for an appt at the hospital today to go through my birth plan and had a different mw I had not met there. Thought it was really a waste of time as we have independent midwives and dont plan on being at the hospital and if we did then the plan would be pretty much out the window (though I did try to modify it as best I could). Also, my regular hospital mw kind of looks down at me for opting for a homebirth with independent mws. But I was so pleased at this mw's reaction...she said it was such a lovely birth plan and the best she had read. She even took it away and made a copy of it for herself! So it restored my faith!

    Now Im just waiting in anticipation for things to start!! I'm ready!

    xx
    37+6
  • I'm getting my OH to read soon's birth story written by her bloke, hoping that will help. I have also used all the other arguments, how it's my first baby, so will be slow enough that they have plenty of time in case anythign goes wrong, how the midwives will be around, how we can have a cup of tea and go to bed afterwards, how I'll be more relaxed, and how if we really need to move to hospital, it's just 5 minutes away.

    Phew!

    Thankfully, I think my Mum will be supportive, because she told me she wanted to have all her babies at home, and only didn't because my father kicked up such a fuss. Thankfully I am more stubborn than her XD If all else fails, I'll just not tell him I'm in labour!
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