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Traumatic Birth and severe anxiety two years on

Hello,

I’ve just discovered this wonderful forum and hoping to gain some advice from you lovely ladies. I’d really appreciate it. 

I gave birth to my beautiful baby girl two years ago. Firstly, so you get a better understanding of me personally, I’m a total worrier. I have OCD and over analyse things and catastrophise even when nothing has happened. I’m always anticipating expecting the worse to happen when something really important in my life is happening and it means so much to me. I’m on anti anxiety medication (I’ve had a lot of losses in my life and was severely bullied at secondary school). As a result I haven’t got much confidence or self belief and worry about what other people think. However, I’m seeking therapy to help with these issues. Over the past few days I’ve felt pretty horrendous, really anxious and panicky, tight chest, sense of impending doom, low self esteem and a feeling of being consumed impending doom. I’ve been awake since 2am and now sitting with a cup of tea feeling pretty rotten.

So when I fell pregnant my husband and I were over the moon. Having a baby was a dream and I couldn’t wait. But I had to stop my medication abruptly due to the pregnancy, and I really struggled throughout the whole 9 months with anxiety and bring absolutely petrified about labour and giving birth. I was in tears at most of my midwife appointments. I was told I’d be consultant led due to my anxiety but this never happened. I’d mention it every time but the midwives didn’t give me any answers about being referred. I just got on with it but it was really hard. I feel I’ve been let down as if I’d at least spoken to someone regarding how I was feeling then I may not be in the situation I am now. 

When I went into labour I was scared and panicky and was at the hospital back and forth a few times but sent home. My experience of this was that I was so frightened and felt so out of control and didn’t feel like the midwives understood as they didn’t know my background. I hadn’t got a birthing plan in place, I knew I just wanted a pool birth. As things progressed I was taken to the delivery suite and our room had a pool! My husband turned to me and said “we shall be ok, our midwife seems lovely, we can do this”. I used gas and air, breathing and visualisation techniques,and I felt in control. I was 10cm dilated now and a second midwife came in to assist with the delivery. Things had come to a standstill and I was taken out of the pool. 

And that’s where things went downhill. As soon as I stood up I was in excruciating pain. When I’d been at home I’d just lay down in the bath as the water really helped, and as soon as I got into the birthing pool it was a relief too. Now the contractions were horrendous, right up my bottom and in my lower back. I was told to lie down on the couch and I screamed out saying I couldn’t, but I was told to push so I did with all my might. The midwives exclaimed that they could see our baby’s head and that spurred me on even more. This went on for ages. Eventually something in me snapped and I started swearing and asking why she wasn’t here. I felt horrendous and kept saying that I felt traumatised. I suppose this was the gas and air and exhaustion talking but I remember feeling a sense of impending doom. I couldn’t explain how I was feeling so it just came out as “I feel traumatised”. I felt trapped in a tunnel and I couldn’t see the light. I was in so much pain and I had no idea if my baby was ok or when I’d see her. Our midwife said the next step was a drip with drugs to make the contractions stronger. I flatly refused and said they needed to get the baby out. I was so unbelievably exhausted, upset and angry. The midwife who had joined us later said “why are you feeling like this? Is it because labour isn’t what you thought it was going to be?” Looking back now this was such an insensitive thing to say. I feel like she thought I was over reacting. I’d never had a baby before but I knew something wasn’t right, I knew my body. After a while the midwives said they thought the baby was OP position so they requested that I was checked out by a Registrar. I had to push so she could see what was happening during my contractions. This was one of the most challenging experiences of my life. When you’re going through so much pain and you have no choice but to grit your teeth and go through it, it was so challenging. She got really cross with me and told me to be quiet and listen to her. I didn’t feel she was supportive at all, I just felt like I was doing it all wrong and everyone was angry at me. She decided that I’d need to go to theatre. If they couldn’t get the baby out using the ventouse method then I’d need a C-section. 

As I was being wheeled down I was in so much pain I begged the midwife next to me to give me more gas and air. She snapped at me and said “You can’t have anymore Rebecca”, like I’d said something wrong. Eventually our baby was born in theatre via vontouse. I felt in a daze and really I’ll, but we were sent home later that evening. 

I couldn’t breastfeed as my baby wouldn’t latch and I felt like such a failure. I also developed an infection in my episiotomy scar and fell very ill. My anxiety soared and I had what felt like a breakdown. I was depressed for about three months even though I was back on my medication. 

When I look back, I feel traumatised and totally at a loss and out of control of how the situation went and was dealt with. I’d now love to have another child and give our daughter a sibling but I’m so scared and my husband is really not in the same place as me after what happened. What if the pregnancy is just as scary, what if the labour and birth is the same and I don’t get the support I need mentally and emotionally like before? I’ve been so affected by the ordeal I’ve needed to increase the strength of my antidepressants and in turn I struggled to bond with my baby. I now adore being a mum, I wouldn’t change it for the world. But the experience has scarred me. 

Could anyone help? Do I see the GP in the New Year and discuss my options? Do I contact my health visitor? Do I try a birthing centre or am I in the catagory to request a c-section? Any advice or experienced would be much appreciated. Thank you so much.

Replies

  • Hi sorry to hear about your traumatic birth. I had a really bad birth with my first son. My Labour lasted for hours baby got distressed he was born with the use of forsepts. He was born with a fractured skull. He cried for the first 10 months of his life and his poor head took ages to become a normal shape. I had really bad post natal depression. I had another son 2 years later and to be honest the birth was totally different. Don't let one bad experience effect your decision in wether or not to have another child. Speak to your doctor tell them about your fears hopefully they will set your mind at rest xx

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  • Only YOU can change ur way of thinking and behaving. Firstly regarding the birth, the way u need to look at it is baby has gotta come out some way so worrying and stressing won't stop that fact. U also need to realise worrying and stressing will aggravate the situation. Pain isn't bad unless u panic. If u look at pain like I Do, and what it actually is, which is just a signal from that part of the body to the brain to tell u something is happening in that area. Its a notification, thats all. Pain wont' kill u. It's just a feeling. Believe me if u tell urself this u will be able to handle so much more than u realise. Sometimes u just need to give yourself a firm talking too. All births are different and u may sail through this one. But stressing will likey cause u more issues so u need to really tell urself to stop and change to a more positive way of thinking and before u say u can't, YES u can.x

  • I feel for you anxiety is horrible but every birth is different and if youve done it once you can do it again .... my birth was horrific which led to an emergency c section, nicu baby weeks in hospital  , sepsis and a d n c 16 weeks after birth but they are totally worth it n this is what you need to tell yourself. There are many services out there that your midwife should be able to help you with or even your gp before getting pregnant. 

    Dont let your mentel health stop you from having what u most desire ....then it has won x

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