GA C -Section Struggle

i had a beautiful baby boy 14 weeks ago via GA Emergency C Section and i feel robbed and angered by the whole thing. Yes i an grateful He is here alive happy and healthy and me to but i cant help but feel emotional over it all. I feel like i should be over the experience but am really not. 

i work with a lot of women who are having babies and talk about there fantastic happy experiences and i think why couldn’t i have that? 

My pregancey was lovely really enjoyed it had the cholestice is it ? With terrible itching and had to be induce but my waters went naturally the day before but opened his bowls and i still had to be induced 

Cut a long story short his heart rate dropped dangerously low and i had a crash team come in and decided c section. Under GA to get him out as quick as. 

I woke up not knowing what the hell had happened to find my other half wheeling this baby in. I didnt  know what sex it was its weight ect. I just felt like id been passed this baby and thar i was never pregant. 

Cause of the emergency my other half somehow ended up having his parents there which i then found out held the baby before i even new id had one and took photos. Which absolutely still angers me to this day and i just think how dare you how disrespectful and inconsiderate. Its my child i carried for 9 months go put under for him to get here safely and you hold him and take photos ?! Absolutely no thought about me and my feeling and what was ment to be me and my partners precious monent

Hes my first so of course i have this romantic idea of labour. But it never went like that and now i recent people who have lovely births. I cant even look at photos of him as a new born cause i just feel robbed of the moment the holding him the skin on skin the photos and first moments. The happy tears the its a boy ect. Instead i just remember being off my face on pain relief confusion and being absolutely usless and not being able to get up quick enough to respond to him or have him in my arms as much as id of liked or being able to feed him ect. Looking at his photos just make me feel said he's growing up

Ive bonded with him loads am obsessed with him hes my little man but i cant help but think ill never get over my experience until  i do it naturally and am the first person to actually hold baby and it scares me to think i dunno if or when it might happen or am i gonna be a section again

What i do no is it’s inspired me to go back to education to become a midwife and help women try and have the best experience they can in such a pressious moment that you may only get to live once. Bringing life into the world ect and try to prevent some of the things that happened to me not happen to someone else. 

Sorry for the mega long post and rant xx