Views on saying no to visitors after birth

Replies

• LisaLeigh

  Jan 26, 2009 2:50PM

  I would say that if you want to set up a no visitors rule, then thats up to you. its exactly what i plan to do! i think its quite rude of people just to stop by unexpected so soon after birth. I know that everybody wants to pass on their best wishes, which is a lvely thing, but they have to appreciate that it is a very busy and private time for you.
  
  Personally i always leave it for 2 weeks before i visit friends and their newborns, and definately never turn up unannounced. If it was family, i would still check before descending upon the everyone!!!!!
  
  you should do what makes you comfortable, maybe just immediate family
  
  best wishes xxx

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• KThom122

  Jan 26, 2009 4:41PM

  I personally never understood this till I had my youngest who is now 1- he was only a couple of hours old when my sil and her dh and kids arrived and my mum and dad and my other 2 kids and I found it all very overwhelming.
  
  This time round I will probably leave it a bit longer before letting anyone know so that me and dh and the new baby have at least a few hours alone together first.
  
  If your oh doesn't agree with what your saying you could try to compromise by deciding to invite say 2 visitors each and tell the rest to stay away, I'm sure if you tell ppl you feel awkward bf in front of them etc they will understand.

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• Poz

  Jan 27, 2009 5:42AM

  I think you are quite right to limit the number of visitors. When my lo was born, the only person we saw for the first 2 days was my mum. (My Dad and oh's parents live further away). It was lovely to have the time to get to know our daughter and to recover from the birth without talking to visitors. I was really lucky in that all my friends waited a while before visiting, they were giving me so much space that in the end I had to start ringing and telling them that I wanted visitors!!

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• danuella

  Jan 27, 2009 2:53PM

  I had never really thought of this before my best mate had her first lo,i kinda expected to be one of the first peeps at the hosp but her DH asked me not to visit,she called aout a week after she got home with her lo & she explained how very hard it is to see peeps allthe time & try to adjust to being a mum,she was totally exhausted & could barely string a sentance together bless her..
  I didnt take offence,i had just never thought that way before.
  Ever since then when ever any one i knowhas a lo i always wait a couple of weeks before arranging to visit.
  I think its fine and people should understand that no offence is meant its an adjusting period.
  xx xx

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• booglys_mum

  Jan 27, 2009 3:58PM

  You are completely entitled to say no to visitors. If people get offended then that says more about them! Im only going to be letting in parents and each of our bros for at least first few days. I find it really shocking that anyone would just drop round unexpectedly-maybe put a note on the door explaining the situation if you think it might happen again? My husband thought we would be havin ghis niece and nephew 5 and four months on the first day-I said no way! I don't think men quite understand what going through labour really entails and that we need time to recover after!! Silly things. Stick to your guns and do whats best for you
  Sophy 40+6

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• Kellyandbump

  Jan 27, 2009 5:06PM

  We didn't tell anyone until we got home! I gave birth at 8am and was home by 2pm. I hated hospital, I was in complete shock at the experience. Was treated badly and just wanted to get home.
  
  My mum & Dad were freshly separated so my mum wasn't really there for me and I wasn't talking to my estranged brother at the time either! my ex's mum lived a couple of hours away (she was a recovering alcoholic but damage to our relationship was already done) I'd fallen out with friends a year beforehand, so we didn't broadcast the fact that the baby was born until later that day and the only person we told were our mothers! the only person we let round was my mum and that was because it hit me like a train crash that i didn't have a clue what I was doing!!!
  
  I think next time I'd be in for trouble! as my DH's family are mega! his mum throws a god dam buffet at every occasion, birthdays, anniversarys, brushing your teeth, getting your first Zit! any excuse so that I have to be dragged over there! I hate it!
  
  I think I will have REAL trouble keeping all 11 of his very close family away! I have to say it is one of the biggest disadvantages to having a baby! plus things are complicated as he has a son who lives miles away that he only sees for birthdays. (its a very long story)
  
  Everyone wants a piece of you, judges you, & outstays their welcome, when all you want is to have your DH and your own mum close by so you can rest.
  
  I'd rather that if they turned up it was at my discretion only seems I'm the one whos been through it all, and that I stayed in the comfort of my bed whilst my mum or husband took the baby to them (in the waiting room like they do in USA Films) for half an hour then they all cleared off! I dont want people seeing me at my most tired and horrific looking and be expected to talk useless crap and entertain guests!
  
  Maybe I should elope to give birth if it happens!!??! lol
  
  I'm very considerate when other people give birth. I wait until I'm invited. My sister-in-law gave birth 6 months ago, we had the mother in law on the phone giving us the timetable of when we can visit her in hospital "uncle fred is going at 2pm with nana and granpa, then brother is going at 6pm then the next day its the neighbours and their dog" blah blah, the mother in law really tries to control the whole family. Until she met me! I wont be controlled so when she was saying all this to DH on the phone I said "TELL your MUM that we WILL go and see her ONCE she has had time to setttle at home thank you very much" it definately upset a few people. but whos cares!!
  
  Do you own thing and DON'T be bullied into doing things your not comfortable with.
  
  xx
  
  Take my advice and dont tell anybody till the following week lol, (and even then make it only both sets of parents)
  
  WARNING WARNING: Even you manage to keep all YOUR visitors at bay - don't forget all the other women on your ward will be having them! I left hospital very early as I was sharing a room with four women who all had 4 visitors each! I wish people would have some consideration for the other women on the ward. I had loads of strange men right near my bed just sat looking at us as they were bored visiting their own family. I hated every second!!!

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• linzi83

  Jan 27, 2009 6:13PM

  I will be pulling the curtain round if the ward is full of visitors and i manage to keep mine away lol.
  Also will be wanting to get out of there ASAP! Get cloustrophobic in there because i feel as though i cant leave unless they say i can! Thank you all for your replys. I really didnt know what to do before posting this. Now i feel much more confident.
  

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• Rebecca_and_Riley

  Jan 28, 2009 6:05AM

  I also set a two week ban of grandparents only, and they had to call first. I was bfing so had the curtain round all the time as he was always on the boob! So was very glad I'd said no visitiors. xxx

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• dappytart

  Jan 28, 2009 6:52AM

  Gosh, I really feel for all of you!
  
  We have agreed NOBODY except parents for the first 2 weeks unless we both agree. And we have told both sets of parents this so they can be the ones to tell extended family and we don't have too. And if either of us have had enough we have a code word so the other knows and visitors can be ejected on a united front!
  
  I don't think men have any idea of how physically/emotionally exhausting giving birth can be. They seem to get so caught up in the excitement that they forget!
  
  Rather than end up arguing would it be worth telling your midwife at the hospital how you feel then they can prevent any visitors reaching you before you have too. Or they can keep an eye on you and eject people if it all becomes too much?
  
  As for friends, I would just be blunt and tell them all beforehand that you don't want any visitors for the first few days. If they are true friends they will understand and wait to be invited!
  
  Good luck everyone.
  Jx
  36+0

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• faz

  Jan 28, 2009 7:04AM

  I've told my OH that we will not be having any visitors at the hospital, just me and him not the mil for sure!!!
  
  Regarding when we come home i have told OH that i know people will want to come round but i'm not being swamped (i.e. i'm not having his mother there every other day, or his father there the every other day etc, luckily my family live 300 miles away so trips from them will be organised!)
  
  also planning on BFing and def not doing that infront of people, so even if visitors are here if the babay needs feeding they will either have to leave or put up with the fact that i will be upstairs in the nursery feeding the baby a lot, and they are not joining me!
  
  if i had my way we would have a week to get settled before anyone comes round but OH doesn't want that he says we have to accept people will want to see the baby, but that if i feel swamped then to say and he will clear people out, Told him he wont need to clear then out, i'll tell them myself. Also once we have seen someone after the birth when we get home, i'm fully intending on not seeing them for another week! one trip each in the first week is enough for each of them, and i fully intend on telling them that... waving them off saying 'see you in a week, not before!'
  
  
  OOOH do i sound like a total cow? Just want some space after givng birth

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• linzi83

  Jan 28, 2009 2:56PM

  oh i am so glad that its not just me that feels this way. Thought my mum and two sisters would understand but they dont, think its because its THEM that want to be able to see babs when he's born. I really feel better about sticking to my guns about this now i dont think its just me who feels like this. Thanks to everyone who has posted in this subject. lyndsey x

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• SMJ44

  Jan 28, 2009 3:15PM

  Hi
  
  Definitely not just you! I told everyone there was no visiting except parents and fortnately no-one found out! Even so I told them I was going to the loo and asked one of the mw to come and say they had to leave as i needed to be examined - it worked really well and she was a life saver as people just ignore you.
  
  Even when home it doesn't stop - people would drop in and then expect drinks and bics and I could barely walk! I took to saying baby needed feding and disappearing upstairs and just not coming down until I had gathered some more strength!
  
  God luck - even if you offend someone you can always blame hormones later on!

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• Kellyandbump

  Jan 28, 2009 3:20PM

  LOL!! I'm not the only one then who feels this way?????!! THANK GOD. NO you are not a COW.
  
  Last time I was made to feel like a nutcase and possesive because I didn't want everyone round us. His Mum got upset because I said NO to her kipping on our couch to 'be there to help out' no bloody chance! My brother is desperate for kids (his ex wife was sterilised as she already had three girls) He wanted to watch the baby come out as he'd never get the chance to with his (now ex) wife!! I nearly fell off my chair in shock! Considering our relationship was strained anyway! he must have been off his rocker if I was gonna let him have his face between my legs!
  
  Its a private time. FACT.
  Inlaws turn into the TERMINATOR, never give up and keep phoning/coming. FACT
  
  Babies tend to do funny things to people.
  
  My New Husband and I love my parents to bits and regulary spend time with them, also we get on better with my brother now he has left his weird horrible wife (she cheated on him leaving him home to babysit her kids) whilst she slept with someone else ((the COW))
  but as far as my Husbands family go. Its a bit of a problem already, Its hard work even visiting them. His mum or sister always tend to say stuff that gets our goat! We never invite them to ours as we both dont enjoy their company, we just end up having to go there for special occasions. (or rather we get SUMMONED) I think they've cottoned on to this now, hence why his mother has started making up silly occasions just to get us there!!
  So imagine if I had their grandchild?! they'd own me! I wouldn't be able to keep them away, I dont want them all trapesing through my house, passing my baby round like a parcel, telling me what to do. ITS THE INTRUSION OF YOUR FAMILY that makes it harder to adjust, NOT the new baby!!
  
  I want to give birth with my Husband, whilst my mum & dad wait outside (only coming in if I ask them)
  
  then I want to go home and have two months alone with new baby & husband (with visits from my mum only)
  wadda y'reckon? do-able? NO CHANCE!!!

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• guineapig-52196

  Jan 28, 2009 6:09PM

  My husband and I have decided that only close family can come to visit in hospital and when we go home we're not telling anyone for a day or two that we're back. I think the main problem is - and I know it happens as I have ignorantly done it myself - Visitors come over to see the BABY they dont actually stop to think if you had a rough labour, stitches, C-sec etc and so can end up staying for ages when all you want is for them to leave so that you can get some sleep or quiet time for your new family. I am lucky in the fact that my husband has already said if people other than our parents turn up without asking first we wont open the door!
  xxxxx
  37wks pg.

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• michelle07-79314

  Jan 31, 2009 5:01AM

  I think i must be strange? I love having my family and friends around asap after birth! in fact i feel hurt if people don't come round for a few days! I was at home with my first and it felt like a party the next day then with my second and third i went home after 4 hours and all the family came round. I have a very large family and love them all!
  BUT i always ask when to visit when other people have babys as i know not everyone is the same. If your DH wants his family to visit and you don't feel upto it why don't you agree to wait till you get home the when they arrive you can take yourself off to bed for a rest for a couple of hours? Michelle

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• gemm-42032

  Feb 2, 2009 4:16PM

  Im SOOOO glad i wasnt the only one who felt this way. I had 9 visitors in my house 24 hours after getting home from hosp with my first after an epidural and forceps del. I left hosp early against MW advice 24 hours after birth. I had already had all in laws round bed a few hours after delivery when im sitting with my bag of pee strapped to bed, unable to move!!!#
  #Lovely
  
  With second we did no visitors in a nice way by saying to family we are busy and will ring later and other excusses.
  
  JUST SAY NO!!!
  
  Gemm x

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• cp451

  Feb 5, 2009 6:06AM

  Hiya
  
  I am going to have my first baby in a few weeks time (I'm 31 + 6) and I have made it quite clear to my husband that we are not having visitors until at least a week after the birth. I am having a home birth which makes it simpler as we won't open the front door.
  
  It's his family who are likely to be a problem. His mum wants to come round and help out after the birth. While she means cooking, cleaning etc I can't face the thought of having to make conversation.
  
  My husband is in the Navy and we will have 1 precious month together with the baby before he goes back to work (Easter Leave plus Paternity Leave) and I want to be able to treasure as much of it as possible before we have intruders. Fortunately we don't get on with my parents as they would be so much worse - when I was speaking to her, my mother planned to camp out at the house for 2 weeks prior to my due date and then stay on for a further 2 weeks afterwards "to help" ie play with the baby, get in the way and generally be a pain in the backside. My brother won't show up which is just fine and we can go and see our grandparents in our own good time. As long as they get a picture through the post in the first couple of weeks they will be fine.
  
  As far as friends go, most of them live too far away to make the journey so we will tell them a week after the birth.
  
  I do feel a little mean but I have been so ill during the pregnancy that I just need some time to recover and feel human again.
  
  Glad that I am not the only one. It feels very reassuring to know that others feel the same way!
  
  Carolyn
  
  [Modified by: Carolyn Philip on February 05, 2009 10:16 AM]
  
  

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• Stephanie92

  Feb 7, 2009 12:46PM

  You could be really sneaky and not let any one know you have gone into hospital until you come out.
  .. i feel similar to you, this is my first baby and im only 16 so its going to be very alien to me. i really want my mum there with me as well as my boyfriend but he seems to think it will be ok to have all his family there lol!
  I'm going to let all my visitors know that i want them to come and see the new arrival once I'm home, or even better once its ok to take her out i'll go and see them lol
  I really do know how you feel, I'm dreading the first week of motherhood for the exact reason that i wont be able to settle properly and get used to doing things!
  GOOD LUCK!! xx

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• linzi83

  Feb 8, 2009 10:51AM

  Hi all,
  
  I have since told hubbys family that we dont want any visitors for a few days, and they were all understanding. Two female members even said that it was abit overwhelming last time for me because they all showed up at once, which is true.
  
  I still think my family will think i will change my mind about it, but i wont.
  I am glad that i have told them in advance because i dont need to worry about it anymore, and i can think about a nice peaceful week of just me, hubby, daughter and new baby son.
  
  I might not be able to change things that i hated last time round like if i have to have another c-section and a longer stay in hospital, but at least i know i can change one thing that made me unhappy last time, which has made me more positive about it all.
  
  I am also proud of myself for not just doing what other people want or expect me to do.
  
  I am doing what i feel i right for me.
  
  x
  
  
  
  
  
  

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• BE-is-a-joke-1984

  Feb 23, 2009 3:50PM

  me and oh made it perfectly clear to everyone that no-one was allowed to visit at hosp as it was our only time together as a family without everyone buzzing around us, and the first couple of days were our baby bonding time. we allowed 2/3 people a day for the first week, and allocated time slots to people as i was bf. it did work, but we had to be very tough. my family live 80 miles away so i told them we would visit when we were ready, and if they wanted to come and visit, it would have to be short and sweet. it did work well, but i suppose its different for us as oh doesnt have a lot to do with his biological family so there wasnt too much pressure,
  
  good luck and remember to do whats best for you, and a stressed mummy means a stressed baby!!

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