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Starting the new year on a bad foot

Happy New Years ladies. I haven't posted on here for a long time, so you probably do not remember me. My husband and I have a 3 year old son conceived naturally after almost 4 years. We had a surprise pregnancy which ended in miscarriage in April of 2009 and we have been trying for another ever since. We recently decided to take the next step by going to a fertility clinic, so I called and made an appt for January and my husband recently decided that he was not willing to go right now. He says it's embarrassing, but I think there's more to it. I am also going to school to be a nurse right now and he accidentally slipped today and said if I get pregnant I will not be able to finish school (I'm only 23 and he's 28) so I feel like there's still plenty of time to finish. I'm just so confused about it all because he's wanted a second child as bad as I do since we lost the last one, and now he's got a change of heart. Im not sure if I'm looking for advice or just needing a shoulder to lean on right now, but thank you ladies for taking the time to read this. image


  • Hi BB87,

    I'm sorry to hear about your struggles. But congratulations on your ds!

    I would say that its fairly normal for dh's to be nervous and unforthcoming when it comes to fertility clinics or discussing the subject generally. Somehow they seem to think that its so much worse for them to be scrutinised than it is for us (hmmm, all mine had to do was "produce" a sample and turn up for a few appt's). I'm sure his reluctance has nothing to do with not wanting a 2nd child, just that he doesn't want to go to the clinic.

    As for school, surey you can take a break from it if you get pg and start again where you left off, I'm sure many people do this and with all the rights for expectant mothers/maternity, I'm sure they would have to let you??

    Good luck and my advice with dh, is to reassure him lots. You already have one child, so his "boys" must be doing the job!
  • Thank you so much for the kind words. From what I understood from the nurse I spoke with, my husband will need to do the same as yours did, and I feel like I've been the one doing all the work up until now and in a way it's selfish of him not to do his part. I went through the miscarriage (physically) and I've had so many tests and even a couple surgeries on the past 2 years to find out why I haven't gotten pregnant yet. Maybe I'm being inconsiderate by expecting him to want to go because, as you said, most men do not like the idea of having to go to a fertility clinic. He also believes that since we've gotten pregnant twice that it will happen again, but with PCOS it's never a sure thing. I feel strongly that our son is a miracle and even though we lost our last pregnancy, it was still a miracle that we even conceived. I suppose all that's left to do is wait it out and hopefully it will eventually happen, our son just wants a sibling so bad and it kills me to see him playing alone or when he tells me he wishes he had a brother or sister to play with him. I am not sure if I can take another year of disappointments.
  • Hi BB87, I didn't want to read and run but all I can think of is what WindyMiller has said.

    I don't think your being inconsiderate at all me and OH have been trying for 17months now and had an MC in November and since then I've had 3 blood test's and OH had done nothing and I felt it was all up to me and that made me feel really down and was getting really stressed about it. But OH has now changed doctors and done his sample (going for results on Friday) Hopefully will get referd to a clinic but even then were not sure how they decide if they will refer us.

    Im sure you DH will have a change of heart soon.

    Hope everything turns out well for you

  • I think our dear OH find it really hard to get their head round the fact it isn't just 'up to the women'. I also think they are far more fragile than they like us to think so are petrified to face these things. I suspect he will get there - you may just have to wait a bit longer (grrr) for him to catch on. It's waiting for that moment for the light to go on, for him to talk about it like it is all his idea and show no knowledge at all that you've been saying it for ages. I know it is so hard but do try to be patient :roll:
  • I might be a bit of an ogre, but I wouldn't let it lie!! My DH was a bit nervous, as he ws convinced it was his problem (he has badly controlled diabetes), but since we found out he's very virile (yay for him, the stud!) he's over the moon, so that could be a worthwhile carrot to dangle.

    He's the one being selfish, just looking at the short-term problems and hoping for it to work out without him doing nything, rather than doing what us girls tend to do and see what we can do to make things happen!

    Perhaps I'm being overly harsh, but I would be willing to bet that none of his reasons are the real reason, its simply that he doesn't want to do it!
  • Steph-thank you. I really hope that your hubby and you get the referral you need. It took my OB over a year to finally refer me, which is another reason I'm so upset about my husband backing out on it. Good luck with your testing and your results!!!!

    Munchie-I agree. Men are so sensitive when it comes to anything that may jeopardize their "manhood.". I have assured him that it's my problem due to my PCOS, but I think he is still worried it might be him too. He also tends to be more positive than me, so he's sure we will eventually conceive naturally, but I do not want our children to be so far apart in age. Our son will be 4 in February and that already further in age than I wanted. I hope he comes around soon though.

    Windy-trust me, you aren't being harsh at all. That's exactly how I feel about it. I was so upset when he told me that he changed his mind, I didn't even think he was serious. I threw away the baby stuff we bought for the last baby (he got it back out without me knowing and put it up) and I told him I was done trying because it wasn't fair for him to sit around doing nothing (besides bd'ing) while I had to go through all the physical things. In fact, when the ultrasound tech told me that I was miscarrying, I had to sit alone in the doctor office for two hours bawling, waiting for my doc bc my husband was at work. That was so devastating, and for him to crush my hopes of finally getting help really almost makes me resent him for it. I know he's got his reasons, I just wish he could put them aside for the sake of our family. image

    On a better note, Congrats to your hubby! One less hurdle to get over image.

    Good luck to you all and thank you so much for the advice. It feels so good being able to talk to other women in my situation because sometimes talking to my hubby or other friends/family just isn't the same. I always get the same words from them all, everything happens for a reason, it'll happen when the time is right or when I least expect it, quit thinking about it and it'll happen...blah blah blah None of those things will make my PCOS disappear image
  • Thanks for the luck and I hope your hubby changes his mind really soon for you, waiting is such a pain and I agree about men being sensitive (pain in the arse really lol)

    I totally agree with you with this site and being able to talk to people. My OH kept saying everything happens for a reason and all the rest of it untill I flipped abit :cry: then he agreed to do his bit. Especially when we almost had to go to hospital after my recent blood test (bloody doctor went straight through my vien in my hand and made my hand swell up like a balloon and was super bruised. Bruising only just gone now)

    Just keep being persistant and im sure he'll get it.

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