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Really mad and upset, but don't think I can do anything...

So, as a bit oh history, my husband's brother and his girlfriend have had two accidental pregnancies, their son is 8 years old and their daughter is 3. Neither were planned or wanted (they didn't find out about the 2nd until it was too late for an abortion, or they'd have had one). This is not unusual, I suppose.

I don't have much to do with them, as hubby is too embarassed to take me round there, he says their home is disgusting. His brother doesn't work, so stays at home playing computer games while his daughter entertains herself. He smokes, drinks nothing but Dr Pepper, spits on the floor ad never cleans up his mess. Sometimes he stays up all night, so can't be bothered to take his eldest to school. (thats apart from the fact that he can't, legally drive, but does anyway). His girlfriend works full time and then comes home to do all the household chores, while he plays on computer.

Anyway, the most recent development is when my hubby went round there yesterday, his niece comes downstairs saying she has found a caterpillar. Thinking it was a game, he holds out his hand and she gives him a maggott!!!! Yes, a maggott. He went upstairs on the pretence of using the toilet and found a patch on the carpet with the brown maggott larvae on it. I mean, thats just fouler than I can possibly imagine. These children are so sweet and have no parenting. How can they live in a house infested with maggotts?!?!

We've offered to take the children camping with us, as they've never been away or even seen the sea. But they refused. I'm tempted to call social services. But it seems so extreme.


  • That sounds awful! I don't know anything about social services, but is there not an anonymous phone line like there is for benefit cheats? Then you could let services know and know you've done what you can?

    Incidentally, you def can report to the dvla if he's driving without licence/insurance/a ban... That def is anonymous.

    Poor kids.

    Guy at work moaning on Friday about his "stupid b***h wife" has gone and got pregnant again. Apparently he can't be bothered (not the word he used) with all the crying again. Less bad, but also touching eh?...
  • I wasn't sure if I was just being hysterical and judgemental, as, obviously, the fact that they have 2 unwanted children, despite their smoking, drinking, poor nutrition & drug taking (she stopped smoking weed in her 2nd pregnancy at least) does touch a nerve. But I really do feel for these children.

    I feel for the girlfriend too, as she seems to have taken responsibility now, works really hard and does her best with the kids, but is fighting a losing battle against her layabout waste-of-space boyfriend. My MIL has asked her why she puts up with it, but she just broke down in tears. We have a suspicion that he is threatening or violent towards her. The more I write down, the more I feel I should do something.
  • Aw Hun what a difficult situation...... Gotta say I'd ring social services!

    These kids need to b looked after properly.

    Too many people don't report people like this and it's the kids that suffer and something could happen to the kids.

    I'd say do it and don't feel guilty about it. If they have nothing to hide then it shouldn't b a problem.

    X x
  • Exactly Faye. A call won't do any harm if the kids are being looked after enough. One of my friends who has a v clumsy, but much loved child who is constantly bruised was reported! Social just came round, looked about and left them alone as obv no problems, but it seems they do take notice of calls of concern...
  • I'll talk to MIL and hubby about it. Although hubby has already said he doesn't want to start anything, as he's tried to help her in the past and its been thrown back in his face. But maybe she needs to be forced to make a choice between her kids and her useless boyfriend? I'm sure she can be a better mother and has the support of his family and her own (sort-of, I think her family is kind-of dysfunctional too-but wealthy, bizarrely)

    Its just so alien to me why anyone would not want the best for their children. Wouldn't you jump at the chance for them to go camping with their Aunty and Uncle, or just to go out to the park instead of staying in all day, playing on, or watching others play on computer games. I worry that the eldest is already lost to the "evil xbox" and is always online playing on unsuitable fighting games. Last time hubby was there, the little girl got told off for playing with him because she was messing about.

    Its a very weird situation and knowing about hubby's family and upbringing really makes me appreciate how lucky I am. Hubby has turned out alright (has a bit of a chip on his shoulder and doesn't always appreciate delicate issues!)despite his tumultuous upbringing. I'm so lucky to have such supportive and caring parents.
  • As Ive been reading I have a sick feeling in my stomach! I def think you should give social services a ring so they can go round and see for themselves. I feel sorry for your brother in laws girlfriend but she is letting all this happen and its her respsonsibility to put her childrens welfare first. I know its hard to do as you are family but I think its your only option. Good luck hope you come to a desicion soon xxx
  • Hey Windy. Its a tough call for you. I totally agree that social services need informing, although I doubt very much they will do much. I have seen similar situations myself at work (a school)- possibly worse and its been difficult to get anything done. There is a chance that they will offer some form of parent craft classes and/ or make sure that the home is made more habitable. Sadly there are a good many parents who are happy to smoke and drink their days away in squalid 'homes' while their poor children drag themselves up into adulthood. While its entirely unacceptable, there is unfortunately very little folks like us can do about it. All you can do is be a fantastic auntie and hope that the children feel they can open up to you. One thing I should say (in case you don't know) is that SS expect you to give your name and I had an experience where it was passed on to the parents I reported. Edited to add that the case was eventually dropped. The home is still a disgusting hovel and the poor mite still looks like an urchin. Yet I hear they have many successes. Whatever you decide to do Good Luck xXx
  • hey windy,

    i feel so sorry for those kiddies, how is it fair that they are living a life like that. I would def ring social services! I understand that its a crap situation for you to be in but you have to think that if the situation worsened and something happened to those kiddies and you could have helped them ...?

    know it sounds a bit full on but i just feel they at least deserve a chance of being helped. it all sounds suspicious to me. why can't you take them camping, are the parents afraid that the children might tell you stuff?? or you might see things on them, did you say he was violent?? sounds like the mum needs help too, if your MIL has tried to talk to her but she broke down maybe stuff is happening to her.

    i really do feel for you tho, its not a nice situation for you to be in but if it was me i would definitly make the call xxxx
  • Thanks guys. I still don't know what I should do. I take the point that there are many families like this - I know you're not condoning this behaviour. And social services might not find anything they can do something about. It also concerns me that they might find out it was me. That would ruin any chance we have of a relationship with the kids. I'm thinking I might try to get to know them a bit better. See if we can have some family get-togethers. Maybe if she trusts us a bit more, she'll have the confidence to let us help? As for violence. My Hubby says he knows his brother has hit her in the past, but not recently as far as he knows. I can't imagine what it is like living with someone like that. I'd hope that I would be stronger, but you just never know, do you? X
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