Coping with other's pregnancies

I feel like I don't really have anyone else to talk to about this. I don't have any close friends or family who are going through anything like this, in fact I feel like I'm the only infertile person in my family! After having a horrible day today I got a text from my sister inlaw that included a pic of two positive pregnancy tests. I was so mad/jealous about it that I cried for over two hours. Its not that I'm not happy for her, I just feel extremely jealous because she has only been with her boyfriend for a few months, wheras I have been with my dh for 10 years (I am only 25) and we have been trying for 3 years after a devistating loss and have had NO luck. So back to my question, how should I deal with this? I feel like it is going to be very hard to be around her as she gets bigger, but at this point I am the only one who knows so I know she'll want to talk to me about it. This will be her 2nd pregnancy. I feel bad for feeling so jealous and getting so upset, but I guess I'm having my "it's not fair" and "why not me" moment. image

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  • I know exactly how u feel. I have just found out today that cousin is expecting although it wasnt planned. I am so happy for her but theres a part if me thats also jealous as i am still longing to get a bfp! Its so frustrating when u hear of others getting a bfp n havent been trying n i am trying everything but having no luck! I cant tell u how to get thru it, i think i keep going by dreaming that 1 day it will happen to me n i will get a bfp! How long av u been ttc for? We av been ttc for just over a yr xx
  • Im sorry to hear that. We have also tried pretty much everything to get pregnant. We had a miscarriage in April of 2009 and weve pretty much been trying ever since. Im almost to that point where Im ready to give up. I guess I'm so angry about it bc she knows weve been teying for 3 years and she knows how much it hurts to talk about it but she insists on texting me every single day with new updates on how shes been feeling and how she thought she could be, and I think deep down I thought shed change her mind bc shes still in school (shes 23) and it all became real when I seen the text from her with a pic of her 2 bfps. Now I feel like I cant even be around her bc it will be so hard to hear her talkingabout it. I dont want to make her feel worse either though bc she justbroke the news to my inlaws and they have made her feel like a disappointment.
  • Hi  Blessedbeauty87,

    I'm so sorry to hear about your miscarriage and I know exaclty how you feel.  I've just had my second course of IVF after ttc for almost 5 years now.  My first treatment was unsuccesful and my second one which was a few weeks ago I miscarried at 7 weeks. I also find it hard to be around people who are pregnant or just had babies as I feel so jealous.  Last year when I was just starting my first course, a collegue at work who is 13 years younger then me found out she was pregnant and she needed someone to talk to.  She didn't and still doesn't know about my situation and I found it so hard to listen to her talking about it.  That one failed and I had to sit oppersite her and watch her grow and giggle when it moved which was a consent reminder of what I can't seem to do.  She has had her baby now, which is great the baby is gorgeous but she brings her in to see us and now I have just lost mine it's like a smack in the face all over again.  I know it's not her fault but I am dreading when she comes back to work as I know I will start to feel sorry for myself all over again as her baby is the same age as I would be pregnant.  For example her baby is 11 weeks as I got told today!!!image

    I know I should be grateful for what I have been I get so mad when people around me get pregnant on their first time of trying or I have to go to a family do when all my brothers and sisters have kids and I don't know why I can't do it!!!

    I do think your sister in law is being a bit unfair to you though as she knows what your going through.  Try to stay strong but if you ever want to get it off your chest, We know what you are going through and will always listenimage

  • Hi Blessedbeauty87

    I'm really sorry to hear what you are going through and i do feel exactly the same as you. I have been trying for nearly 3 years now and every month that goes by i seem to crumble even more to the point where i just want to give up. Since we have been trying i think about 8 of my friends/family have gotten pregnant, had babies, then a few have gone on to become pregnant again, all whilst i still havent got my BFP. it really frustrates me when someone says "it'll happen" i feel like screaming at them but unless you go through this no one else can possibly understand. I work with a lot of women and i get the "oh when are you going to have a baby" speech nearly every week and i just have to try and put on a smile and say "oh not yet" because i feel like people feel sorry for you if you tell them and i dont want people to pity me. If you ever want to talk or get anything off your chest please talk to me!!

    xxxxxx

  • Hi NikNik5,

    I also don't want people knowing my business, I am such a private person so I only told the people I wanted to know, my family and close friends about the IVF etc...  However because I got a positive result some of my family thought it was ok to tell my extended family (step sisters etc and random people they met on the bus!!!...) Angry doesn't even come close to how I feel. So not only do they know I have had two failed ivf's but they also know that the last one ended in an early miscarriage.  I know these people care about me and are only trying to be nice but when I'm at a family do with my other sisters and all their kids, which was hard enough to see but when people start asking me if I am alright in that tone and rubbing my arm or saying I am so sorry I am keeping my fingers crossed for you whilst they are hugging me it drives me totally mad!!!  Sorry rant over!! lol

    If you don't mind me asking how old are you??  I'm 33 and get asked all the time when I am having kids.  It also drives me potty!! he he

  • I am really sorry to hear what you have gone through Tigerlilley1 - I have to wait until Sept to go through the IVF and be put on a list as that will be the 3 year mark trying.

    I am 29 so everyone says to me 'oh you want to get in there quick before your 30' and 'oh I thought you would have had kids by now'! I get so angry inside so just make my excuses and leave. I have told close friends and family but like you people talk and now all my family know what i'm going through and I also get those looks and i hate it when someone has a baby in the family and when i hold them everyone is stares at me to see if i get upset! it drives me mad.

    I just feel like the last 2 1/2 years my life has been on hold because of this i am living from month to month wondering whether i am pregnant or not!

    xx

  • Hello!! trying to type on my phone so please excuse any errors. me and modern technology don't mix very well!! lol the waiting has to be the worst part every month wondering if this is your month or even waiting a week for a blood test and then a week for the results. i feel like my life is going fact but its not changed!

    Im due on this week and then we are going to try ivf again next month. If i can help answer any of your questions or just listen to you please just let me know. t
  • Sorry my internet has been down for a couple days and I hate trying to type on my not so smart phone lol. 

    Tiger-so sorry to hear about your IVFs.  I really wish we could try that, unfortunately we're not financially able to at this point, but we're hoping by next year we can try it.  I would be so irritated having to see that person every day and watch them go through their whole pregnancy.  I feel like I've avoided my sister inlaw ever since she told me she was pregnant.  I was just telling my husband tonight that I really wish I could feel differently because I am not going to be able to avoid her the next 9 months, and I don't want to, I do love her, it's just very hard because I know she'll bring it up in conversation.  She always seems to find a way to bring it up.  Good luck with your next IVF, I hope you get your much deserved BFP!

    NikNik-I really can't stand when people ask me when we're going to try for another one, or tell me everything happens for a reason, or like you said, oh it'll happen when you least expect it.  I really wish sometimes that people would just stop and think about what they're saying.  I actually had a girl I didn't even know tell me yesterday not to have another one because she has two boys and they drive her crazy.  All I could do is throw on a fake smile and act like I knew how she felt, but deep down I envied her for saying it.  It has been so hard for the past 3 years to see so many undeserving people get pregnant multiple times, and when I say undeserving I mean people who don't even take care of their kids, or people who didn't even want to be pregnant.  My own mom told me on mother's day that I never lost a child and I need to get over it, as if having a miscarriage didn't count as losing a child.  I really don't understand how people can be so rude and hateful.  I know what you mean about wondering if you're pregnant each month and being disappointed each time.  I went through that almost the entire year last year, but since I have PCOS my cycles are never regular, so I never know if I'm late or not.  I have actually been on a "period" since the end of last year.  The only thing my doctor has offered to do is put me on birth control which would obviously defeat the purpose.  I just hope I stop soon so that I can actually start actively trying again. I see you're only 1 day away from testing, good luck.  I hope you get a big huge fat positive!! image

  • Hi blessedbeauty87, hope your ok and enjoying the sunshine!

    If I am totally honest with you we can't afford it either.  We were lucky to get the first part (the most expsensive!) on the NHS, my father in law helped us with the lastest one and my mum has sold stuff which her mum gave to her to help with the next one. Without them I am not sure what we would of done and I am so grateful to them for it. 

    I can understand why you would feel so upset with your mum for saying what she did. I think you have every right to grieve and get emotional about it.  Unless you are going through it or have been through it I don't think people can really understand how you feel and they might think they are saying the right thing but sometimes it's better if they just hug you and tell you everything will be ok!  I'm always getting told to just stop thinking about it and it will happen because thats what happened to a friend of theirs or have you tried this position or try a hand stand after (which I have tried and no it doesn't work!!! lol) 

    I don't know anything about PCOS so please forgive me if I say the wrong thing.  Is it something they can cure with drugs etc...

    I'm feeling fed up at them moment though because I am still waiting for af. It's my first after the bio chemical and it's a week late.  The clinic has told me it could because of the drugs and if nothing has happened by next week I have to go back in.  I did a test just in case but it was a bfn, I knew it would be but wanted to check.  I just feel so frustrated as I can't get started again until it's happened and now I feel like I have wasted another week. aragghhh..... but on a good note I had some results back from a blood test and they think they might know what changes to make next so I am feeling positive and just want to get started!!

        

     

     

  • Hi Blessedbeauty87. I completely 100% know how you feel and it's never going to get easier. It's bitter sweet. You are happy for them but wish it could be you. However, I believe that your feeling of bitterness will fade as the months go on. Whenever I find out people are pregnant, I am so angry and frustrated, especially when it only took them a month or so. (It's 3 years for me next week), but as time goes on my jealousy and resentment fade. I'm going to a baby shower in a few weeks time which won't be easy but I was lucky in having a friend who told me in such a lovely way, I couldn't be angry at her. I find it worse when people plaster it all over facebook and moan about being pregnant. Your sister in law texting you wasn't the nicest way to tell you and I am sorry for that. 

    I'm actually going to be having some therapy soon because I am more worried about how I am going to cope if I can't have children at all. Maybe that is something you could do? Speaking to someone unrelated can be really helpful and you can say what you want with offending anyone.

    I hope you are okay.

    Laura

  • Yeh, ladies, that's tough. After long years of struggling I just wonder how people can cough and get pregnant. We started TTC since 2010, following infertility treatments - and all the shots with no result. Some time ago came across a girl's post on facebook, saying she made a huge mistake and now she's prego..God, I hate when people telling the world they're prego by mistake. This is so unfair to us!  

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