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end of the line???

Hi, This is the first time i have posted on a forum, but i have been searching for somewhere that i may find some advice.

I have been marriage for 9 years and trying for a baby for 8. I have had a couple of early losses in that time. We have been through some tough times. Last year i found text messages on my hubands phone to a "girl" saying he was in an unhappy marriage, although they had been texting each other intimate messages i found nothing that made me think he had cheated and when i approached him about the texts he broke down and promised he hadnt cheated, which i believed. We talked about things as we were both to blame. We moved on and put trying for a baby as a top priority or so i thought. It was fine to start with and sex was regular but no conception. I tried to keep my emotions in check so as not to push him aware, but every period was like a kick to my heart. I cry myself to sleep while he just sleeps with no worries. Over the past 4 months we have only managed sex a couple of times, he has now started taking viagra to help him, so sex has to be planned. 3months ago we had good sex but he couldnt come. He was upset and i didnt make a big deal of it i said it was ok and not to worry i said it was probably the pressure and promised to ease back on things. 3 months passed and he made no attempt to engage in sex. Last month i raised the issue and he just said he hadnt really thought about it. I told him how i felt, that trying for a baby was on my mind 24/7. We had sex last month but again he couldnt come. I'm beginning to wonder whether he his holding back cos he doesnt want a baby, or he has a disease or he just doesnt love or fancy me anymore. Yesterday i sent him a sexy text, hinting for sex that night, and he completely ignored it. He went to bed first and i followed after 20mins, i was dressed in my sexy nightie an hour before and he had seen that, giving time for the viagra to work. but he was asleep, i waited awhile but nothing. I slept on the sofa as i sobbed my heart out, i sat with a packet of tablets and i wanted to die, i thought about walking out into the road in the dark. today i feel under a black cloud i feel numb. I cannot see a way forward for us now. But i'm scared to say we need to split as i've nowhere to go, but i know he's not going to say it first. I've nowhere to turn i have been the gp but none of them take me seriously. ive looked for counselling but there is none in my area. Where do i turn next?


  • Awww honey, please don't do anything silly and put those tablets away. I can relate to your situation, I have been through something similar. The only difference was that we were not trying for a baby at the time! How old are you, if you don't mind me asking?

    What did your GP say when you told them? 


  • Hi I'm 33.

    I've seen a 3 GP's, the first told me that IVF wasn't available to us as my husband is 42, was 40 at the time. And to quote "get saving" meaning only private IVF would be an option. This didnt help our situation, an it took a year for me to find out he was wrong and the fathers age wasnt even an issue for NHS treatment.

    The next sent me for a scan on my ovaries which revealed "issues" and i was told only one was probably producing an egg. I was given some hormone pills and had blood tests every month, but after 4 months they took me off them due to mid-high BP. i was told i could try again when it settled

    The next GP wouldnt give me them again until my husband had been for the sperm test, but unfortunately the nearest clinic is 70 miles away and he would struggle to get time off work as he has not long started. That was January, and i have been trying to persuade him since but with no luck. I'm trying not to put too much pressure on him but can't wait much longer. Even if he goes we will have a wait of 2 years for NHS IVF, so i feel we would probably have to go private, but this has its added pressures of money.

    At the moment all of that seems out of the question, as i dont think our relationship will take much more. I asked a GP about marriage guidance or counselling but was told to seek something privately as there were long waiting lists. Not sure i could get him to go but would be worth a try.

    I'm just so down at the moment that everything seems bleak, i need to sort my head out i guess!!

  • Hi hun,

    It would be very hard to comment on your relationship problems hun, I think relationships are very difficult in general and it is always very hard to decide whether to carry on or go separate ways. I was cheated on and decided to stay (I know most ladies would pack their bags and go, but I was too weak and too depressed to do that!).

    I asked about the GPs because I thought that they might have offered you antidepressants. When I was in this situation I was put on antidepressants for a few months. After a year I decided to drop them becasue they were not helping and they made me feel worse about myself. After a couple of years, I realised that nothing was going to help until I have sorted my head out. I am one of those people who keep worrying all the time and I do overthink and overanalise everything - not good. Anyway, it took me 3-4 years to get out of that black hole and I feel much better for it. I am saying this because I want you to know that there is always hope and please do not give up hun. 

    How are you feeling today? Have you had a chat with your husband about how you are feeling?


  • Rmso, I really feel for you. I have felt in your position before- I became very bitter towards my hubby when I felt our marriage was failing and then I would be right back at square one with no partner and no hope of fertility treatment.

    But we got through it and are stronger than ever now. I obviously can't say that will be the same for you, but please don't give up hope. 10 years of marriage has to count for something and he must have felt strongly enough not to go through with cheating on you last time.- even though it sounds like he had the opportunity. Perhaps its panic that he may be preventing you from having a baby because of his issues.? Its a common man problem.- my hubby put off being tested for ages and got quite wound up about it. Try reassuring him that if there are any problems., you'll get through it together.? X x
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