I just miss my baby

Sorry ladies but I Do have other children and maybe I'm greedy to want more ( I'm a teacher and love kids) I tried to have 'one more' but ended up on a 5 hour train journey from Spain to London, whilst on holiday, I had an eptopic pregnancy as they couldn't except libity and was failed to seek treatment else where. I was rushed straight to A n E and into theatre within 39 mins of arriving into london and they took my other tube , this was my second time it's happened to me. Anyway time pasted and I moved one , with difficultly. I maybe always hoped I would have more but excepted it.Until few months ago went all or a sudden at 38 I wanted to try once more. WE tried ivf dis the while protocol and somehow I'd planned it all in my head , the names, the age differences, the birth, the pregnancy but today I cane on my period after asking myself every question in the book ; am I still pregnant , is this spotting , is this a late implantation , maybe the blood test might be wring, did I not take this seriously enough etc.. but the bottom line is in not pregnant I hurt like anyone else would but understand to those amazing women who have TTC FOR a long to me - bless u all ???????? ?