😞
Im proberly one of the lucky people we have a seven year old and I have two stepchildren who I have brought up for the last 9 years.
We agreed early one child. Additional to DH children.Â
Was pregnant before i threw out my pills!?! Not on purpose... we talked agreed to stop them 6 weeks later was pregnant and due date made me already pregnant..
I got no kids - 2 kids - 3 kids in a year and a half!!Â
His ex is bipolar and her manic episodes are directed at me due to 'stealing her kids' nothing of course to do with the physical abuse, neglect or failure to protect them! Tried to take kids when our child was 10 weeks old and didn't bargin on my child was not a replacement for them they are also my family and swiftly returned via courts once again to us. Que numerous attempts to have them removed...
I have been accused of everything you could imagine simply because I bring up these children.
Our child. Em csection - wasnt listen to by delivery team when told them something was wrong before or during labour was treated like shit after. Made official complaint to hospital involved. I was treated for postnatal depression because I was honest and said I could not pick my child up....at my further insistance of a psycologicaI assessment to protect me from accusations....I ended up having an 'emotional breakdown' my postnatal depression was mildly there but also they did pick up on what I said wasn't psycological it was actually physical....Untreated prolased disc all through pregnancy was ignored with numerous complaints of pain which ended up being chronic pain diagnosed when child was 2. All sorts of meds ect for a few years untill I stopped them and built up muscle definition by returning to work and being more active. Not prefect but unmedicated, working part time, active with my kids...
All this was put as post traumatic stress / emotional breakdown / depression and anxiety due to chronic pain.Â
5 years on and we have been ttc for 1 year 3 months 😞Â
It wasnt easy to tell DH I know we agreed but I can't stop myself desperately wanting another, that I feel I was robbed of the pregnancy and first 2 years of my child's life as I can barely remember anything due to the situation, pain ect ect....I am a good mum, have been a good mum despite all those things (many many things ive not put here). DH first child was born when he was 21 and now 36 it's a big difference I know he wanted to start looking forward to 'planning life after kids'. Selfish to go back on what we agreed and when we do have kids. But I can't help how I feel either. He agreed as long as I was sure my body could cope and I would be honest about coping pysically and mentally, although it wasn't an overwhelming urge for him he wasn't unhappy to have another. Â I would have proper care for back during pregnancy and planned csection if wanted to have or supported birth to minimise trauma now it is logged and due to complaints made about previous care all checked with pain consultant. All go.......
Except it isn't....and it's killing me..... every single month....I'm shit at periods thats why I was on contreception I'm vile and horrible and angry....im devastated every single month.... used to take sertraline but came off it to conceive ...I've waited 5 years thinking DH would not agree and questioning if I could do it all again if it all went wrong again...I can and now it just isn't happening....
Just been logged as secondary infertility... had blood test all fine... DH waiting for his and sperm testing....then will have other tests dr not been very informative so have app with different dr next week to discuss.
wanted to be relaxed and whatever about it but now we can't be we are chasing it.....one thing DH does want is the  desicion we are doing this together and privately as never had that before.... ex didn't tell him trying for First although he was so happy, second was talked about then bam pregnant few weeks later hmmm, ours same but had been helping look after a relative and missed some pills which he did know but still shocking and in all cases other people knew or guessed straight away... he has asked that we keep quiet for the 12 weeks to have something special between us for a short time....which is lovely but means I can't really talk to anyone about it....
not only am I suffering really bad with the periods, cramps, backache, nusea, diorreha, moods.... it's been questioned if I have PMD... hence the sertraline which stopped my periods ffs... it gets worse every month and now I'm throwing up aswell... then there's the emotional rollercoaster because once again I'm not pregnant ðŸ˜.
i feel like I'm going crazyÂ
Replies
I know you posted this a while back but I just want to say what a strong woman you are and I really hope you've already had good news since this post
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I have just suffered two consecutive miscarriages myself and feel the same way as you have put at the bottom of your post 😞 I really hope you're okay!Â
I cant believe no one replied to you 😞 Xxxxx
Thank you so much! With everything you must be going through yourself thank you for taking the time to reply xx
I really think it's difficult for others to feel sympathetic or empathy when I do have children which I knew would possibly be the case when I made the original post but I just needed a brain dump to get me through!
No good news yet still waiting and tests keep being rearranged due to staff shortages at local hospital they've gone from May to June to July for DH grrr x we are sure I've had at least one 'chemical pregnancy' but unconfirmed.....do u have other children or are u trying for your first?
I am back on my sertraline now to elevate things and have menfamic acid (strong anti inflammatory) to take once periods have started (normally would take a few days before to help symptoms but can't incase pregnant)
No need to thank me hun
I just wanted to make sure you're okay after reading your post, it broke my heart for you 
I don't know exactly how you must be feeling, in fact I have no idea, we all suffer differently when it comes to matters like this but you're so brave and strong 
I have a son, so I think I can sympathize with you much easier than some
It's difficult because it's in these moments that you feel most alone in the world, and if I can help you to not feel alone then my comments are far more than worth my time to me 
Yes, I have a 7 year old boy and had 4 miscarriages in the past 6 years. I've been TTC with my partner for almost 3 years and last month and this month were our first times to actually conceive but we never seem to make it past 4 weeks.
It's quite upsetting and I've been pretty much dead inside since Monday when I began to bleed, I didn't even confirm it with my dr because I just knew for some reason that I would miscarry again... They don't really like to help a lot at all!
Oh bless you both
That's flipping ridiculous!! Are you in the UK too? All these NHS staff we're losing is so saddening, it doesn't help anyone at all 
Everything in hospitals and doctors surgeries are so rushed these days, not to mention how many times I've been misdiagnosed because they clearly can't be bothered to help properly. I think that's why we so easily fall into despair.
I used to be on sertraline but never found it helped so I've been put on citalopram after a mental breakdown last October (due to TTC) I have come out the other side stronger thankfully but I'm so scared of falling back into that pit! I just came off my citalopram 2 months back too and now I'm taking them again because my head is torn to pieces, I can't imagine how you must feel if I feel like this
I do, however believe that the citalopram may have some kind of affect on my reproductive system so I'm going to express that concern when I finally go to see the dr, I'm not emotionally ready to face them just yet though.
What is menfamic acid? I've never heard of it! I'm thinking of trying a few new things to conceive but not just yet, have you tried any isoflavones or anything like that?
I mainly feel guilty that I can't seem to carry babies, I was told at 15 I'd never conceive but fell pregnant with my son a year later (I thought I could do what I wanted and not get pregnant!!! lol!!) and now I'm just panicking so bad that I can't conceive... It's crazy what we go through!!
 My son really wants a little brother or sister and I think that's where the guilt lyes.
Although my partner hasn't taken it very lightly either times either and I feel guilty for telling him I was pregnant when I knew I was going to miscarry again
Our time will come one day soon, you watch and it will be when you least expect it
I really really hope your dates get moved back forward, I have my fingers crossed for you!! xxxxxx
😊 yes in the U.K. In the south!
Its difficult as I get very upset and my daughter doesnt understand why. We made the mistake of telling her we hoped she would have a brother or sister when we started trying and now she's waiting and waiting.  I feel guilty like I should just appreciate that I have her already and I'm so lucky for that. I know that. She really wants a brother or sister.... although she has her older siblings they have always spent time with their mum alternate weekends and over the last few years around half the holidays but as they get older obviously it become more about their choice of when and she really feels their absence when they aren't here 😕
I was in no rush for children as when I was 15 my boyfriend could not have children and we were together for 3 years so I had already had the question put to me by him of could I see myself without having his child biologically as he did want children in the future ect ect  and another relationship of 2 years he had only a 25% chance due to an accident with climbing barbed wire....I was 25 when I had my daughter and I'm 32 now...we went ahead as I was at home fulltime for my stepchildren anyway so seemed a good time.Â
My emotional breakdown was whilst being diagnosed after my daughter with the chronic pain ect and had citalopram for 6 months then. I felt myself struggling again and that's what prompted the discussions with my husband in the first place. I did end up leaving home with our daughter for a few weeks begining last year as the situation was so stressfull I was breaking down at the same time as he went into depression as he was in an awful temp job and ended up having to walk out due to the way he was treated and it put huge strain on us all but we managed to catch it, I had some counselling I proberly should of had years ago, that's where the sertraline has come into play..... its treatment for reducing PMS and anxiety so works well for me at the moment. He sorted another job in three weeks so all ok just about.
Menfamic Acid is normally taken a week before periods to help servre cramping as I was at the point that I couldn't stand straight and was throwing up during periods, I have to wait for period to start then take it. I have always had bad moods during but previously was always on injection or pill which have treated the worse symptoms. It just adds to the misery of it all really... husband was previously very unsupportive during periods but as he has spoken with the dr aswell and understands this actually isn't that normal he has been alot better...I didn't understand either to begin with as I never dealth with it since 15 but it gets worse every month now grrrrÂ
Everytime I'm angry or annoyed he asks me if I'm premenstral and gets defensive which drives me insane it always has although when I said I think so a few weeks ago he was lovely....couldnt have done anymore for me and for the first time instead of trying to hide how shitty I felt or just not wanting to make too big a fuss at how gutted I was he just cuddled me for two hours while I cried as soon as the kids were in bed.
I'm trying this page to vent rather than drive him absolutely crazy with it as well as myself hahaha!!
I work in a Pharmacy and know the cuts too well so i try not to get to get annoyed but on same hand as this would be our Second child there isn't a great deal they would offer us.... they are happy to refer based on the periods stopping previously for a few months and the level of pain I get to genolcology and most of the same tests will be carried out this is also a short cut because in this area for Secondary infertility they normally wait for 2 years before any testing other that the sperm test and basic bloods. I had the bloods twice already cos periods stopped then as the first dr only ordered half the tests the second female dr was much better and got all of them. Due for referral now calling on mon to get app wit's the gp to do paperwork 😕Â
Its dependent on area to what's available and how long so when you try and look it up it's so confusing!!Â
Also I am a twin so that was part of the we will just see how it goes, no rush ect ect in the beginning as we have to consider the heightened risks of multipuls I already have as I am un identical and then add in pre existing back issues ect ect but we are at the point of if offered medicines to help I think I will do that regardless.Â
I think it's so hard knowing your body can't do this, it has done it before, it bloody worked ffs!!!!!!
Do you keep a diary? For the dr? So you can track the timings to help figure out what is going on....they mentioned it to me due to the unconfirmed mc xxx