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Feel like I am falling apart

Having such a bad week :cry: I am unreasonably snappy and to be frank horribly to my wonderful husband. I just want to cancel christmas and I am laying in bed crying with what feels like the start of period pains. Someone else told me they were pg with their second today. I just feel completely exhausted. I want to crawl into a hole. We have friends who talk constantly about wanting to start to ttc and they say it like it will just happen and knowing there luck it will, they don't know our situation. I just feel so alone. I am trying so hard to hold it together, then I just seem to crumble. My husband wants me to talk to him but it is always the same, I have nothing new to say. It doesn't change anything. I just feel empty and useless. Work is horrible and really stressful, I feel so trapped and alone. Sorry for such a depressing post ladies, you are the only people who know what this feels like. I am at the point where I want not to want it anymore.


  • Did not want to read and run.

    I know how you feel as that is exactly how I felt about 2 years ago. I had been trying for over 2 years and nothing - not even a suspected pregnancy. To cut a long story short we unfortunately did have problems and went down the route of IVF and I sit here typing telling you that I am proud mum of 8 month old twins....I know you are saying when will it be my's not fair....what have I done so wrong to deserve all this...why cant it happen to me..and these feelings are completely natural. You are no doubt sick of smiling sweetly everytime someone tells you they are pregnant and shrugging off the endless questions 'so are you trying yet?'

    All i want to say is hang in there. Perhaps give yourself and your hubby 2 months off - go mad - just forget everything you know about ttc!!!! Put it all back of you mind and enjoy life (trust me as soon as you get your positve - life will never ever be the same again).

    Sending you lots of baby dust for 2010.

    Mrs WB
  • Sending love and hugs socks xxx
  • Socks, honey, I am so sorry you are feeling like this. Don't apologise for the post though because we've all felt tlike that at one point or another.

    We've been ttc for two and a half years now and are hoping that IVF will begin in the New Year. It's so scary to think about the fact they we haven't managed it yet. I daren't think that it will never happen because I think I would go mad.

    I hope you manage to enjoy Xmas. Even if only for a few days, try to forget about ttc and have a few drinks. We can't be expected to be saint like all the time.

    Hope it brings you a little comfort that there are others who know how you feel. It is completely normal.

    Sending you lots of hugs.

  • Hey sweetie........big big hugs to you. I can totally relate to everything you say, and went through many months of feeling exactly that way. I think we all have our ups and downs with LTTTC, and sometimes we feel hopeful whilst other times we just feel like giving up. Bit, ultimately, I know you won't give up because this is your dream.........and you WILL get there one day honey. You WILL. But it's just hard to believe / imagine sometimes. I agree that counselling may be helpful. I have dipped in and out of seeing my counsellor over the past few years and it has helped me no end. It doesn't change anything really about the situation but just having someone unbiased to talk to did help, especially as no-one knew abut our problems. Don't ever apologise for posting when you're down, you've been here for us, and we'll be here for you. Lots of Love xxx
  • oh honey, really sorry to hear its all getting to you.
    Just want you to know your not alone. My best friend has just announced that after, wait for it , only 4 weeks!! of trying she is pg with no 3!
    Shes my closest friend in the whole world and she did sit me down and ask permission to ttc, as we had joked that she had to 'get in the que'
    But even so it felt like i had been kicked in the stomach! wanted to cry for days, but did manage to wait until i was on my own first!!
    I think this time of year intensivies all the emotion and even though i love spending time with neices and newphes it does hurt to think tht it should be us,!!
    Don't give yourself a hard time about feeling down, we've all earned the right to a good cry!!
    Hopefully tomorrow will bring a brighter day, take care honey!
  • Hi Socks,
    Your post has really moved me as, like everyone else who has replied, I could have written it myself.
    I was logging on to write a very similar messaget as I have felt like I'm losing it a bit over the weekend, and am getting so very jealous of other Mummies and am worried I am going to be a bitter old cow who can't be happy for other people anymore
    Like you, I take it all out on my poor gorgeous DH (who with all the will in the world really doesn't understand how I feel -he openly admits that).

    WWAF, I was thinking of going to see someone for some help but am so scared of being tarred with a "crazy baby lady??????? brush - I am just struggling to understand why it's so hard for us, and how unfair it is when my 3 closest mates have all conceived and either had their babies or are about to, since my mc.

    So honey, in a long winded way and after turning your post into a rant of my own (sorry!!) I want to send you a HUGE hug. Xmas is about kids, but you and DH deserve a lovely one together, as it could be your last one before a little one arrives.

    I'm sure we will all get through this, and who knows what next year will bring xxxfingers corossed xxxx

  • Mrs DAO I think in some ways the MC makes it harder to deal with. Every month I think well it happened before, I just keep kidding myself that it will happen again. If I hadn't lost my baby it would be coming up to its first birthday and insead I am stuck in this misery.

    Mrs WB what a lovely story. I am so pleased for you and your lo's. We took a couple of months off this time last year. Trouble is it is there constantly so it didn't really work for us.

    Yes I have some time off over Christmas so hoping to just chill out a bit and regain some perspective but all that just seems so hard right now.

    Good luck for your ivf Mrs H really hope that works out for you. I really don't think it will be an option for us. I am in a really naff PCT area and we can't afford it. Hubbie is also not keen for various reasons I won't go into.

    WWAF you aren't out of line at all. My hubbie had said this to me a few times. I am not all that good at talking. It is easier on here because it is faceless. I don't really even know where to start with it. I don't want to go on tablets or anything. Just feel a bit like I am wading through toffee at the moment.

    Half the trouble is every month I lie in bed wondering how I will tell people when I am pg and looking forward to making plans. I am sure you all do it too. I wish I could just erase it out of my mind and then be genuinely surprised when / if it actually happens. I am so jealous of those people who fall without trying and are pleased. Why can't we be those people.

    Went shopping with my sister at the weekend and she has a friend whose sister is due on the 28th December. She said she would never plan it so a baby comes that close to Christmas so I said, hopeing it would lead to me telling her, "thats true but I am one of those people who only has to look at a boy and I'm pg" I just siged and carried on with the shopping. She would be so amazing if I told her I just can't do it.

    Maybe I will make an appointment to see my GP in January. Still need to arrange those bloods anyway xx
  • Sending you a big hug honey.
  • Just emailed you back honey. Wanted to send you another BIG HUG. Hoping your cramps have disappeared and AF is nowhere in sight.

    You are allowed to crumble every now and then, you wouldnt be normal if you didnt! You have masses of support on here and you can yell and scream and rant all you want without feeling bad for it. We can all help to put you back together ;\)

    With the counselling.. you dont need to be good at talking. I went to it and Im not good at opening up and discussing my feelings with anyone (drives my hubby mad!) But in counselling, it's different. And some sessions you may not need to even say much, just have a good cry and allow your emotions to run. It's very healthy. And you neednt take any medication with counselling if you dont want to, its completely your choice. The meds are good but the underlying problems need to surface for you to be able to deal with them, and that means talking and processing them. It cant hurt to discuss this with your gp if this month doesnt work out.

    Dont give up on wanting this. And I know its hard having been pg before and not since getting a bfp. But believe in it hon. And do imagine how you will announce to the world that you got your BFP... that will happen for you one day and it will just be magic. I cannot wait to celebrate that news.


  • just popped over to see how you are all doing and so sorry to see you are feeling so down mrs, perfectly natural and have posted similar post on here in the past, you are not alone, you are justified in your thoughts and you are reight to let it all out chick, sending you a big hug and really hope you are blessed sooner rather than later xx
  • Socks sorry I had missed this... how are you doing? Remember you are not a lone and you are being so strong and you need to let it out when you are having a bad day.
  • Hi Socks, i seemed to have missed this also! So sorry!

    Hope you are feeling at least a wee bit better since you posted this. I know bad days come more often than the good, but we are all in this together and i can totally relate how you feel towards talking to your hubby. My husband is the sweetest person ever, he wouldn't say a bad word about anyone or hurt a fly, but i just can't fully open up to him about how i feel about ttc, as i feel like i am just constantly repeating myself and i get sick of my own thoughts and feelings. I just wish i could push them aside, but it's something we can't. At least we can come on here when we want and there is always someone there at the other end who knows exactly how we feel and wont take offence at our wee BE breaks when times get tough.

    Take care sweetie, and i hope you manage to have a nice enough christmas with your hubby.

    Loads of love and hugs

  • Tiny T you took the words right out of my mouth, "sick of my own thoughts and feelings" just wish I could switch off and have some time off but even not physically doing anything about it my mind is still there. I am feeling a little better since I posted yes. I was so so run down, work has been absolutely manic, everyone wants to move before christmas and what with the Stamp Duty going back up as well it has ben really really stressful. I have been working longer hours. I took yesterday pretty much off work and I came home and slept and it did make me feel much better. I am still dreading Christmas. Just can't wait for it to be over. Fairly certain AF is on its way and I went to my sisters to talk to her tonight but she had to go to work so I guess it will have to wait until after Christmas. Jyust got to hold it together now.

    Love and hugs to you all girls hope you have a lovely Christmas xx
  • Such a shame it wasnt the right time to tell your sister hon. But keep at it, the right time will present itself and a whole world of support will open up to you, in addition to what you have from hubby and on here from all of us.

    And you dont HAVE to hold it together honey. Let it out, you will feel a hell of a lot better for it.

    Bigs hugs to you as always

  • Thanks SIM xxx ps, thanks for the video, very very cute!
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