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I feel guilty and frustrated
Recently I've had the odd moment of resenting my DH because of his infertility. I know this is really bad, so you don't have to tell me, I feel really guilty about it and I don't mean to sound cold.
Every month I ovulate but my DH sperm count is 18 million with only 2% normal forms, the motility isn't very good either.
Anyway, in spite of all that we've had 3 BFP's in the last 11 months. Sadly we've lost them all and the cause is being investigated.
A re-occurring theory that keeps cropping up is the link between miscarriage and poor sperm morphology. I have -googled' this myself and there is a definite link although not enough research has been done. This basically means that although we have 2% normal sperms they are competing with the 98% abnormal sperms (which are still capable of fertilising an egg) So, when we do get preg, it is very likely the bean originates from a abnormal sperm, which won't grow to be a healthy baby, it's more likely to miscarry due to abnormalities.
The thing that makes me feel resentful is that we have been told the best way to have a healthy baby would be to have ICSI, selecting the best quality sperm but we don't fit the criteria for NHS and would have to go private, costing about ??5,000. My DH doesn't want to pay all this money because we are catching naturally and it's just a case of waiting for a healthy bean. He says it would be a waste of money as we still don't know for definite why we're miscarrying. The morphology thing is just a theory, so we could miscarry via ICSI loosing both a bean or two and ??5,000. And he's right in a way, but I want to try!
I love my DH to pieces but I just feel like I can't keep going through this and I just don't care about the cost. I'm getting older and you can't buy youth. When it comes to getting the baby we crave, money just isn't important to me. I'd get a million loans if necessary and get on with ICSI right away.
I'm just so frustrated and feel cross and grumpy with my DH. Am I wrong to feel this way? Everywhere I look people are pregnant or have a baby. :roll:
Every month I ovulate but my DH sperm count is 18 million with only 2% normal forms, the motility isn't very good either.
Anyway, in spite of all that we've had 3 BFP's in the last 11 months. Sadly we've lost them all and the cause is being investigated.
A re-occurring theory that keeps cropping up is the link between miscarriage and poor sperm morphology. I have -googled' this myself and there is a definite link although not enough research has been done. This basically means that although we have 2% normal sperms they are competing with the 98% abnormal sperms (which are still capable of fertilising an egg) So, when we do get preg, it is very likely the bean originates from a abnormal sperm, which won't grow to be a healthy baby, it's more likely to miscarry due to abnormalities.
The thing that makes me feel resentful is that we have been told the best way to have a healthy baby would be to have ICSI, selecting the best quality sperm but we don't fit the criteria for NHS and would have to go private, costing about ??5,000. My DH doesn't want to pay all this money because we are catching naturally and it's just a case of waiting for a healthy bean. He says it would be a waste of money as we still don't know for definite why we're miscarrying. The morphology thing is just a theory, so we could miscarry via ICSI loosing both a bean or two and ??5,000. And he's right in a way, but I want to try!
I love my DH to pieces but I just feel like I can't keep going through this and I just don't care about the cost. I'm getting older and you can't buy youth. When it comes to getting the baby we crave, money just isn't important to me. I'd get a million loans if necessary and get on with ICSI right away.
I'm just so frustrated and feel cross and grumpy with my DH. Am I wrong to feel this way? Everywhere I look people are pregnant or have a baby. :roll:
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Replies
I would recommend maybe booking a consultation with a private consultant (which will prob cost ??100-150) and speaking to them about their advise and the possible links between morphology and mc - then you can both make an informed decision together, armed with the facts. That's what we did and were told me had v minimal chance of having a baby naturally, so started privae ICSI the next month.
Do you think you can talk to your DH about how you've been feeling?
Just as an aside, although I'm no expert, from what I know I think the abnormally shaped sperm would be unable to fertilise an egg in most cases, as they cannot swim properly / would not be able to enter the egg. But definitely worth asking a specialist about this. I'd be interested to hear what they say.
Take care hon and really hope you get your sticky BFP v soon. xx
Men tend to have a more relaxed approach, don't they? And they think it will happen if you keep on going. Women feel more urgency with getting on and taking positive action. I am as guilty of that as anyone.
We've been told we've got an 18 month waiting list for nhs funded treatment - that alone flung me into the pits of despair. My husband isn't earning at the moment which makes going private difficult but after feeling the way I/we have done we know we won't be happy until we get this ball rolling. So we're actually looking at getting a credit card with a 0% balance transfer period long enough for us to pay it off and we're both trying to find ways to generate an extra bit of money. It's got to be a joint project though so it's important to sit down and make sure your DH knows exactly how this makes you feel and maybe come up with a compromise - for example saving for an agreed number of months and trying ICSI then if you aren't pregnant after the time has elapsed and you have some cash behind you? If you are successfully pregnant then the money will come in handy anyway!!
Just an idea....... But hope you manage to find something soon that works for you and your DH xxxx
I had a good chat to DH and if we're out this month we've made a plan to make an appointment with the clinic for an initial consultation, so we can ask lots of questions and get some answers.
I am so pleased about this, as I just needed to feel in control and feel like we are doing everything in our power to make it happen. I work full time but I have also signed up to an agency to do some bank work at the hospital (I'm a nurse) should bring in extra cash towards treatment! x