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Good 2nd appointment but now need to make a decision.

Hi all, I had a great 2nd appointment yesterday with my consultant. She went over my options-OEIVF with a low success rate at my age-she did a pelvic scan which had follicles and lining that were satisfactory for my age. Donor egg IVF which has a very long waiting list so isn't really an option, or donor embryos. I had been looking into the options of donor embryos in the Czech Republic and had just about decided that that was the route I was going to take, however they are available in Leeds and there isn't too much of a waiting list. Cost wise it is comparable-??1700-1800 inc meds here, around a 40 minute drive from my home, or ??1500 in the CR including meds, scans, flights and hotel etc. If I went to the CR the embryos would be anonymous, though you can specify preferred characteristics, but in the UK the child would be able to trace its biological parents (and siblings)when older. I have thought of some questions that I want to ask before I return with my decision in 4 weeks( I was shocked yesterday that it would be an option) but would really appreciate hearing people's views, though of course it is my decision to make.
Thankyou for any input/advice anyone may have.
Helen xxx


  • Hi Helen,

    Im glad that things are moving along for you at last!!!

    Gosh I started typing a reply but I think this is quite a tough decision once you really get thinking about it!! The questions you want to ask, would the answers sway your decision at all? is there any chance the consultant would be able to answer them earlier for you??

    There is alot to take into consideration isnt there, I assumed that all donors would remain annonymous but then I dont know the protocal i.e. if a child needed to find out medical history from both sides what would happen then or if that info is kept on file somewere. I suppose when you were ttc before being referred you knew the donor so wasnt annoymous but what was the situation would they then remain annoymous to your child if in the future??

    Sorry I havent really helped just bombarded you with Q!!! xxx
  • Hi Helen,
    Am so pleased you had a good appointment with the consultant. I can only imagine how tough you are finding the decision, I don't think there s any right or wrong answer apart from you must do what you feel comfortable with. I have now heard that embryos are no longer anonymous in the UK if donated, and that throws so many questions out there and I would assume this is one of the influenting factors?
    Sorry I can't be of any help but wanted to wish you all the luck in the world and let us know what you decide and how you get on xx
  • Hi Helen, im so pleased that your apt went so well and that you wernt turned away because of your age!
    I cant actually think of any questions for you to ask as its something ive never had any experience with, maybe there is a webbsite that you could try! Sorry not much help am i?!!
    I do think staying here and getting the treatment done is a much better option than going abroad though. At least you can have your family around you for support.
    What is the sucess rate using donor embryos?
    How long does the whole process take, will they monitor you for a couple of cycles first?
    Oh i did think of a couple of questions! lol.
    Its certainly a tough decission to have to make, i dont envey you! I bet youve already been googling away!!
    I really wish you all the luck in the world hun with whatever choice you make ,just make sure you pop back soon and tell us what you have decided. Good luck Helen love Debs xxxx
  • i have no idea what you are going though but i give you all the luck in the world hun i think do whats best for you and L/O and have a laugh along the way thats the best way to feel i know you will make a great choice and i say never regret anything

    like you i would feel like in the uk you might come up against the donors wanting to know how they turned out and so on as long as your honest with the child when they ask don't think i helped but hope you find it with in yourself to make a decision all my love Emma xxx
  • Hi Hon,

    Glad the appointment went well and that you feel you have some options.

    As already established it is such a difficult decision to make. I know when I was unsure if we needed donor sperm/egg i was looking in to going CR too, and the anonymous donor does appeal, as there is no way your child will ever be able to know, but the sensible part of me (esp with my social work background) says this would be unfair on the child, and I would worry this may have impact in later life. Imagine not being able to know your genetic roots, or having the choice taken away from you.

    I have worked a lot in adoption, and looked in to family contact, open adoptions etc, and although different there are similarities, and most children/ young adults respond well to the truth from the start. This is as they know there own reality if this makes sense, they have a good sense of themselves.

    You would be a brilliant mum, they would know Grace as their sister, and if at some point in the future they have a need to know there biological parent (who have already done something amazing once) you can support your son or daughter and hope they find what they are looking for (which i don't believe will be a parent, because they have that in you! 18 years of love and care can not be replaced!)

    Although it may seem otherwise I do not have strong opinion's on this as
    infertility is a difficult thing to go through and you must do what feels right for you, i would understand totally why you would go for either option.

    I did find an excellent website about donor children (I think I just googled it) they have guidance, books etc to hep you tell a child how they were conceived and this extends through the age groups so you what what is appropriate to say and when. There was also lots of case studies and feedback from donor children.

    Anyway hon, i'm babbling on and writing far too much. I hope that you feel you have lots of support and info so you can make the decision thats right for you.

    Take Care, and good luck

    Gem x

    [Modified by: GEM78 on April 28, 2010 08:24 PM]

  • I think it depends really on how you feel about it in the future. You have to think about how you will feel if you go with the Leeds option and then in 18 years time the child wants to trace its biological parents. If that thought is unbearable for you then I would go with the CR option BUT if it is not then I would stick with Leeds, you know what you are getting with the uk medical system and the follow up support will be there.

    Really pleased the appointments are moving on. It is good to see you making progress. What ever decision you make it is going to be a really tough one and one that only you can make xx good luck hun and look forward to seeing you in pg really soon xx
  • Oh ladies, you really are a fantastic supportive lot!!! Thankyou so much for your thoughtful considered replies.

    Laura-how are you honey?
    Donors in the UK are now traceable via HEFA once the child is 18, but the sperm donor I was (and hopefully am if he's available at the weekend!) using would've had some limited contact-more so if the child wished it.

    Rachie-thankyou for your support. How are you?

    Debbie-Hi love, not 'spoken' for ages-how are you and yours?
    Own egg IVF would be around a 10% chance of success at 3 times the cost of donor frozen embryo with ,in CR, 30-40% success rate. I want to ask Leeds their success rate and how advanced the embryos are that they use. CR are blastocysts but I don't know if Leeds take them so far.
    I've had a lot of the tests done since my first appointment but would need screening bloods for things like cystic fibrosis etc. I don't know if they would monitor me first or not. They tend to give progesterone in some form to increase womb lining and monitor its thickness to ensure it is ok before transfer.

    Anne-hi, how are you?
    If I went to CR it would be one trip of a few days per attempt, but the clinic I would use would mean a flight to Prague and then a 2.5 hour train journey-all of which is a bit daunting to contemplate doing alone!

    Emmajanesmith-thankyou for your support. I have always planned to bring the child up knowing how it has been concieved and just how much it was wanted.

    MrsA-I hope your bump is coming along nicely?
    I'm so pleased that you have replied from the 'other side' as it were! The nurse told me about 3 batches of embies that they have at present-what great people to have donated them. A question you have provoked is whether those people are told of a successful outcome from one of their embies. It really is a minefield isn't it and I can fully understand people being reluctant to donate them.

    Gem-hi love, how are you?
    I fully understand where you are coming from with the fairness to the child. If I'd had a child with a sperm donor it was important to me that they would be able to trace them. I think its the fact that they wouldn't be mine that is the hard part to get my head around-if money were no object I would love to have some attempts with my own eggs but at the ratio of 1 own egg attempt to 3 donor FETs price wise and the chances of success being 3 times greater with DFETs its just not an option. I would rather have a baby that is not genetically mine than no baby at all. But to be able to trace it's roots is the fairest thing for the child.
    I think it may have been the 'donor conception network' that you were thinking of. They produce books that you can read to the child and they would be able to make contact with other children who have been concieved the same way.

    Socks-hi honey, hows your bump coming along?
    You have hit the nail on the head for me by asking if it would be unbearable that the child would be able to trace its biological parents at 18. It wouldn't! Thankyou. I think if the Leeds statistics are comparable with the CR then Leeds would be fine.

    Thankyou so much to all of you. I have a list of questions to ask and my head is a lot clearer than it was yesterday.
    Lots of love,
  • Hi Helen, yes it certainly has been a long time since we had a chat!! We are all fine thank you, im still ttc but i just hang around here in the background! lol.
    Hows grace getting on at school?
    My youngest matthew will start nursery in september, it only seems like yesterday since he was born, hes certainly no longer my baby!!
    I wish you all the best Helen, keep in touch and dont forget we are all here if you need a chat, love Debs xxxxx
  • Hi Debs, Grace loves school most of the time. It seems strange to think shes in the final term of reception.
    I do hope you get your bfp soon and get a baby back in your home!
  • Thanks Helen you too! It certainly has to be our turn!! xxxx
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