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o/t cheating husband & his double life has destroyed my life

I have found out my husband has been having an affair for 2 and a half years!

He was in the navy until 12 months ago and we had our 2 year anniversary last month- we have been together for 8 years altogether. My husband struggled with some sort if depression when he first cane out but things had been good lately and it looked like I was going to be and could still be pg on this cycle of clomid.

On Sunday I was at a family christening when I got an email out the blue from a complete stranger on facebook saying my husband had been having a long term affair with a royal navy woman.

I confronted him and the following day he finally admitted it but said he had slept with her only 4 times. I kept asking if there was more to it etc and he denied it. The mysterious emailer told me to contact the other woman which I did and she kept saying to speak to him about it. Then she started saying he hadn't told me the full story. He had begged her to just say it was 4 times but it basically was a double life. It's been going on both before and after we got married. It ended on bad terms a couple of months ago. They worked abroad together and he lived most of the week in her house with her and her 3 year old child! He'd told her I couldn't have kids at the moment and she lied saying she was pg to him. He's adamant they didn't have sex all that regularly and used condoms she says she was totally in live with him and wanting to be with him he's saying she's a home wrecker and she admitted she did this with another married navy man who she got pg to with her child.

Where do I start and what should I do? I'm desperate to tell people so far I've only confided in one friend? I don't want to lie or cover for him. On top of it all I could be pg as my cbfm showed I've ovulated and we had sex on the high fertility days. He says he's desperate for a baby with me and will do anything to keep me. Don't know what I want.

Thanks for Reading if you've gotten this far. I'd appreciate any advice xxx

Replies

  • Hope,I am so sorry to hear your bad news. I didnt want to r & r but Im really dont know what advice to give you for the best honey. I suppose only you know how you feel and if you want to stay with him or leave him. Any affair is unforgiveable but to keep it up for 2 and half years is a long time and you need to think about how you feel about that and if you can ever trust him again as trust is a huge part in any relationship. I dont know what to say to you and I can only imagine how you must be feeling. Giving you lots of big hugs and hope you get through this. xxxx
  • not on here this often but was in 'looking' for some 'old' friends so hope you don't mind me gatecrashingxx

    couldn't r&r you poor poor thing that is awful that he has done that to you it is very deceitful. I think you should wait to see if you are pg this month and then make your decision as if you are you need to decide if you can trust him and put this all behind you and for the baby and if not do you still want to be with him at all.

    It is a very hard situation to be in and only you can decide what to do, he has told a lot of lies image I can understand a man having a one off or getting hammered one thing leading to another but to live a double life is a very hard thing to forgive image sending you lots of love xx
  • Oh Hope, I'm so sorry to hear this I really am.

    Like Liz, I don't know what to say. Give yourself some time, maybe away from him, to figure out what you want to do. It's very raw and it probably hasn't quite sunk in yet. You should made a decision once it has sunk in and you can think clearly what you want to do.

    I can only speak for myself, and i'm not saying this is right for you or anyone else, but the key principle me and my husband have in our marriage is that we trust each other implicitly. My husband is honest to a fault and if he was to deceive me in this way for this long I would feel as though i didn't really know him at all.

    Once things have settled down and you've got your feelings together I would sit him down and demand honesty. I would make it clear that if he tells another lie you won't be giving him another chance to discuss/resolve the matter. Once he's told you everything I think that's the starting point as to whether you can continue to be in a relationship with him.

    I think he will have had to have told an awful lot of lies over the last 2 and a half years and I think he needs to get into honesty mode. once and for all.

    Hugest hugs x x x
  • hope,
    i am sorry to hear your news and can understand where you are at. I found out my now ex-husband was having an affair when i went into hospital at 22 weeks pregnant with a baby conceived on clomid. i lost the baby and had the shock of the affair too. I did take him back but he did do it again twice more before i finally filed for divorce.
    i am not saying your husband will do it again, everyone is different, but i never trusted mine again and only now that i am happily remarried can i see it was never going to be the same.
    give yourself some time alone to think things through. You cant think clearly with him there.

    i hope this helps and it works out for the best for you and your situation.



    xxxxxxxx
  • Hope, I'm so sorry to hear that - it's terrible - especially after everything you've been through.

    I've not been through this myself but I do agree with Mafia Princess, some time apart would be a good first step and help you decide what you want to do. You need to think about what you want - I hope so much that you are pregnant this month, but you need to think, on your own without his interference, whether you want to bring your baby up with him. Is there anywhere you can go, or better still, he can go and just have that time away from each other and give you some space to think?

    Don't worry about telling anyone or making excuses - it's your business - if anyone asks, you tell them to speak to him and he can deal with it.

    I wish I could say something or give you some advice but I really can't imagine how you must feel. I do think an affair is unforgivable but only you can decide if you can carry on together and it's up to him to make things work and explain himself.

    Thinking of you hun and giving you massive hugs

    xxx
  • Hope, I don't know what to say. No one but you can tell how you are feeling and whether you can trust him again, but that does seem like one hell of a betrayal.

    If you decide to take him back, you have to trust him again or this will always come back to haunt you. So it all hangs on whether you think you can trust him again.

    Take care, hon xxx
  • Hope, I'm sooo sorry, I also don't know what to say.

    You really have to do what is best for you, you may be able to forgive him for what he has done but trust is going to be the major issue and that is what holds together a good relationship.

    Try and do what is best for you and think about it yourself, people will be rushing to give you advice but ultimately its up to you as you are the one that has to deal with it

    You really need to get to theh bottom of why he has betrayed you, despite how much it hurts

    Take care of yourself and surround yourself with supportive friends and family

    (((hugs)))

    xxx
  • wowzer!

    Thats a big un! only you will be able to decide your future hun - it's all in your hands, but i would def say take some time out and away from your home to be able to get your thoughts together! My (now) DH cheated about 7 years ago after we first got together, we did split up for about 6 onths and got back together again (obviously) but we weren't married or TTC and it def was a one off thing not a double life. If you do decide to stay all i'l say is that you'll have to make sure you forgive, you won't forget but it can't be something used in arguements or brought up etc. Good luck and (((((((hugs))))))))) xxx
  • OMG hope u poor thing. what an absolute wanker!

    no -one can tell you what to do hun, this is a very deceitful thing he has done to you. and only you will be able to decide whether you can get past this.

    if it was me i wouldn't be able to go nr him again, he'd be kicked out straight away but then everyone is different

    my sister's oh slept with a girl behind her back over a yr ago n they spilt for a while but realised they loved each other so much n got back together n are happir than ever now. n i'm glad they're together cos i've never seen her happier

    i want to send u a huge hug, you need time to think whether u can get past this, can u maybe take a break for a little while and stay with a friend or parents?? jus to get some head space n work out what u want

    love han xxxx
  • Hope,

    I am so shocked and sorry to read this. I hope you are as OK as you can be in this situation.

    I think for me, I wouldn't be able to forgive simply because of how long it has gone on for, although nothing is ever black and white and until you have been in the situation, it is hard to know what you would do. As the other ladies have said only you can decide if you can put it behind you and move on or not, I hope whatever you decided things start looking more positive for you soon.

    Massive hugs X
  • I am really feeling for you sweetie and believe what you must be going through. Just to echo the others ladies I would say some time apart from him with no contact whatsoever is what you need to make your decision. If it's an option possibly a break away with friends or family? If you do decide to give him another chance just make sure it's on your terms.
    Hugs XXX
  • Hi everyone,
    thanks for all your advice.

    I've told everyone, friends, family,work and I've told then the full story including his constant suicide threats. Spoke to the girl and found out they'd been meeting up in the town where we live, he'd given her money and she had possibly had an abortion to him.

    I can't go back to him. If I am pregnant then I'm going it alone. The one thing this has proved to me is that I'm stronger than I ever believed! For once I'm hoping I'm not pg but still know I'll be upset if I'm not after all this time. I feel at peace with my fertility issues and believe all this gas happened for a reason- fate has protected me. Hopefully I'll find a wonderful, faithful man in the future to baby dance with or if not I can adopt or foster- I know I could love any child even if it wasn't my own- I'm a teacher.

    I can test next week as I'm still in the 2ww. I'm not sure whether I'll come back here or not so thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your support over all these months. I'll be thinking of you all as your stories have touched me and I hope children touch your lives soon.

    I'm glad a picked me name. This year has given me fresh hope. No matter what I'm destined for I know I'm destined for better.

    Xxxxx
  • Hi Hope,

    I've been looking out for you and I'm glad things are clear in your head about your future. I know things must be so so raw but I'm glad that you're staying strong and that you realise that you're worth so much more than you've been treated.

    I think it's time for your husband to stop th eemotional blackmail and take responsibility of his actions.

    Big hugs x x
  • hi hope,
    it sounds like you are in a much better place than you were a couple of weeks ago. I really hope 1 day you can find a man to spend your life with that actually deserves you and i bet then the baby will follow naturally.
    stay strong,it will be worth it in the end.

    xx
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