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Im not myself anymore :(

Hey ladies how are you all? I havnt been on here in a while as i am trying so hard to take a step back from TTC and all the emotions running around. Its been such a long road just to get here 2 years and 8months nearly and everything is just getting on top of me. OH thinks that i am close to an emotional break down as everytime we talk about TTC i am in floods of tears and even though i am so happy for everyone i know who have had or are having babies its making me really upset and withdrawn from them all. Since we started trying all we have had 23 friends who have had or are expecting babies. Dont get me wrong i am so happy for them all (some have had tests just like us and have been TTC for a while) but everytime i hear there news its like a part of me dies inside. OH has said several times that i am just not myself anymore, Not as happy as normal or as upbeat! Not sure what to do about this!

Not wanting to bring you all down ladies i just dont know who to talk to or what to say even. (does that even make sence?) How do you all cope? Do you talk to people? I think i need some coping tips! XX


  • Hey there chick....

    i could have wrote this myself.... everything u have wrote...rings a bell with me.... even down to the length of time u have been trying.... we are about the same... (i think)

    I also have been trying to take a step back of late....havnt been on here as much, no charting..... and still nothing... im getting really fed up!!

    I dont know how we all cope... i guess we are stronger than we think??

    What stage are u at now with tests etc??.... sorry i have a memory like a sieve and with being away from here for a bit... ive kinda lost track!

  • This TTC journey has to be the hardest thing in the world! I think we are about the same stage cupcake if i remember correctly. Well we were at one point.

    I was given 50mg clomid to take day 2 - day 6 of cycle back in feb, as i do not ovulate, but i developed a cyst on my left ovary again so i wasnt able to start clomid. I have had 2 AF since i developed this cyst but i am still waiting on a scan to say the cyst has gone and i can start clomid finally. I was due to get the scan after 6 weeks and as i hadnt heard anything i called the hospital to see where on the waiting list i am for a scan and they informed me that there is a 12 week waiting list and they would be intouch.

    One good thing is that this cycle i decided to do OV test and i got a positive! That was CD 19 ( Cd 26 today) so i suppose i am in the 2WW, if i really was ovulating and i didnt get a positive result just because the hormone was there even though i didnt fully ovulate. (fertility Dr has me so worried about that now)

    How about you cupcake where are you at now? XX
  • Ahh yes i remember now..... 12week waiting list is a long time aint it....

    Thats great news about getting the positive on CD19.... im sure thats around the day that i OV... altho ive not used any OPK for so long who knows.... i just go by the pains now...

    Well AF was due yesterday... i had some light brown spotting.... popped a tampon in this morning, went to change it and again it was just light brown.... dont know whats going on.

    This is me just coming to the end of cycle 3 of clomid.... image

    I had to go out and buy a baby gift for one of OH's friends who has just had a baby.... it ws lovely looking at all the lovely baby things.... but just makes u want one even more...

  • Hi girls, I haven't been ttc for very long (came on here by mistake) but couldn't read this and not say how truly sorry I feel for you all, and maybe offer up a glimmer of hope.

    It might not make you feel much better, but my Sister in law and her hubby had major problems ttc, went for all the tests, even went through IVF and got nothing. They had just given up and settled on dealing with having a life without children..........then they fell pregnant naturally and now have a beautiful little girl.

    I'm hoping this can happen for you ladies. I know it muct be so difficult to try to relax about it all, but i truly believe that when you stop thinking about it, or you have given up hope amazing things can happen.

    Good luck
  • What a lovely post anne01. I had a silly tape ( do you remember them LOL) that OH made me years ago and i do sit and listen to that at times. I have been going to the gym but i have calmed down on that at the mo as i didnt want to get skinny or bulk up so have taken a step back. OH is getting so worried he talked about me goin to talk to someone but i dont think that is for me to be honest. I would love to cuddle up with mum and have a chat but we live in different countries ( she in in Edinburgh and i am in Enniskillen N Ireland) ad she doesnt even know we are TTC let alone the battle we have been through. I just dont think its the sort of conversation to have down the phone and when we do see eachother there is so much going on its just never the time.

    Im sure if we ever get a BFP we will look back and think how mad we are getting this upset but untill that happpens then i know for me i am stuck with feeling like this. I hope my mood will lift soon but for now just chatting on here is helping! XX
  • Hi Yla sweetie,

    Im so sorry you are feeling so sad. I too am having a tough time of it, but i think we have just got to keep going regardless.

    It is really rubbish that we have to go through so much pain and heartache. I am so sad on a daily basis, and i have been ttc for FOUR YEARS in a few months, i think, oh my gawd, how the hell have i coped! Some days i don't think i can cope anymore, and i just cannot believe it is 4 years this year for us. 4 years of complete torture. I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy! It's been such a traumatic journey, and i think, will it ever end?

    My only advice is, take one day at a time - it's all you can do. Don't look forward and dwell on the what if's and maybes, just concentrate on the todays! It's helped me as i was getting too obsessed and my hubby was so worried about my mental health.

    I am just about to look into fertility counselling, maybe you should too, they know what we are talking about, and i have heard it helps! Anything is worth a shot if it helps us along this journey.

    I have totally changed as a person too. I have distanced myself from my friends because we are the only childless couple out of them all, and i feel we have nothing really in common now, especially when we all meet up with their kids. Don't get me wrong, i love all my friends, and they really are the nicest people you could ever meet, but it's this ttc journey that has made me feel the way i do no. I feel like an outsider. So i basically keep myself to myself. Ttc has brought me down to nothing, and i have lost all my self confidence and happiness. I was an outgoing bubbly person before, now i am basically a recluse and my hubby is my only friend, he's basically my life line. I feel like i am moaning 90 year old woman, and i am only 27! I am sick of hearing myself moan or cry to myself about the same thing. I am basically so sick of ttc, and i want to give up because i cant do it anymore, but i desperately want a child, so have no option but to keep on going.

    I am thankful i have the support of all the girls here - even if i do do some disapearing acts out of my own silly feelings. But everytime i come back everyone is so lovely to me, and will be to you too, so dont feel bad about lying low. We are all going through the same feelings.

    It's completely natural the way you are feeling, and you have every right to feel that way too. I just hope you get your bfp one day VERY SOON because in my eyes, any woman who has been ttc for a long time deserves what they dream of.

    Always here for you when you need a chat!

    Sending you massive hugs Yla xoxoxo

  • Thank you so much ladies for all your lovely replies and kind words. Having you all here knowing exactly what the TTC journey feels like emotionally does help alot so big hugs to you all!

    I think i have been stressing myslef out over the past few days about this as yesterday and today at the same time ( mid day ish) i had such a sore head. The only way to describe it is like my head is being crushed and the pain is making me feel so sick. Stress i think. Oh well i have decided to book a long weekend back home in edinburgh in may so i might sit mum down and explain all to her and get a big hug. Not sure how much of a help she will be but we will just see what happnes. You will all be coming with me on my laptop! LOL. :lol: XX
  • Hi Yla,
    Totally know how you're feeling. I've got a lot going on at the moment- to say the least- haha. But a few ppl have commented this week about how I've hanged and don't seem myself.

    I've decided I need a project that isn't baby related and isn't even a holiday where I think by then I might be pg. I'm going to make more time for myself at the moment and find something to occupy all the time I just sit worrying and tuning into my ovaries.

    It is so painful at times- I've found out this week that another one of my closest friends has got a ntural bfp after 5 years and all kinds. I'm thrilled to bits for her but now with all 4 of my friends pg I feel like I'm the only person I know who is ttc and isn't pg.

    Sending you love. Just remember when you go through a spell of feeling like this you will pick up again soon xxx
  • Oh hon, sorry to read this post..... it's so tough isn't it! Like so many other ladies who have replied, I feel I could have written this one myself. I agree that one of the hardest things is seeing your lovely friends get PG and have babies. You are of course really happy for them, but you can't help but feel envious. I can't tell you how many baby cards I've written, how many baby rompers I've wrapped, how many christenings I've been to, and now how many toddlers' parties I've attended since we started trying. And when the occasional insensitive comment still comes ('so, when will you be starting your family then?') it's so hard to keep smiling.

    I've been thinking more and more lately that all things happen for some mystical and unknown reason, that we can't understand yet but will all make sense eventually. I've been making a list of the things that are good about our struggle (might put it in a separate post so as not to litter up yours!!!!) and it's really helped. Some of it sounds stupid, but it's making me feel better anyway (a bit!).

    This whole journey is so full of ups and downs (it really is a roller coaster). I do hope your down time doesn't last long, and that you have some lovely positive news soon.

    Sending a big hug.

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