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After diagnosed infertility and reaching the end of our TTC journey - getting my hopes up again

Hi all

If you read this long post then thank you from the bottom of my heart. I know nobody knows me on here but I'm feeling emotional this evening. 

I haven't posted on here in years.  We stopped our TTC journey over a year ago after I was diagnosed with unexplained infertility and following failed attempts at TTC with clomid. We had been trying for many many years (hardcore TTC for around 3 years).  So after being signed off work with depression (I'm only just back to working 3 days a week on a phased return), seeing a psychologist and a psychiatrist for over a year I find myself for the past couple of weeks to be symptom spotting again.  Because I just had a funny feeling.... I don't know why. I don't know what started it to be honest because I feel at 43, 5 years after I first made this account, I should be done. And I was done. But the past couple of weeks I've felt sick, really queasy and had cramps along my tummy, breasts aching, back ache.... I got my hopes up that maybe my broken body was having one last hurrah/attempt.

I woke this morning with the dread AF cramps.  I have a short cycle now. I used to be 28 days but now I'm 25. I know this because I still track AF if nothing else. I worked out when DH and I last did 'the deed' and from what I could tell from my cycle it did line up right before my fertile window (although I honestly stopped checking CM a couple of years back but I know I had some EWCM a few days later).  So back to the cramps from this morning. They were no doubt AF cramps and as I'm like clockwork in that department I knew that as soon as I went to the bathroom AF would be there and be heavy. She's usually heavy for 2 days before it tails off. But there was nothing. So about 2 hours later I started to bleed a little. I told myself I was silly to even think it was anything else and I put a sanitary pad on. I went to change it later and nothing. Just some brown marks. It's now hours later and the cramps are still there, I'm feeling sick but no blood. I know my body well and it never does this. I feel like a fool for even thinking it could be a possibility and I came on here just to write it down and distract myself because I'm checking every 30 minutes. I'm welling up typing this because I know AF will be here in the morning and that this is just a false start but there is a little part of me that is, after all this time, still hoping.

Replies

  • Didn’t want to read and run. Bless you it’s a horrible feeling when you want it soo badly and it just won’t happen yet for others it’s instant. I hope your af doesn’t come and your dreams come true for you. I had given up all hope of ever being a mum after trying for 7 years and then my little miss miracle came along when I’d given up and lost all hope. Now I’m in the same position again as been trying with current partner for a year but with DD dad (before we split) we tried for 2 years and nothing and so far with df nothing so I think our bodies are just doing what they want when they want and I just hope you get the miracle it sounds like you need, deserve and want sooo badly xx
  • Didn’t want to read and run. Bless you it’s a horrible feeling when you want it soo badly and it just won’t happen yet for others it’s instant. I hope your af doesn’t come and your dreams come true for you. I had given up all hope of ever being a mum after trying for 7 years and then my little miss miracle came along when I’d given up and lost all hope. Now I’m in the same position again as been trying with current partner for a year but with DD dad (before we split) we tried for 2 years and nothing and so far with df nothing so I think our bodies are just doing what they want when they want and I just hope you get the miracle it sounds like you need, deserve and want sooo badly xx
    Thank you for taking the time to comment it really means a lot.  I think I just wanted to get it off my chest and out there in the world because it's just been going round and roun in my head all day whilst I wait for AF to fully arrive.  I daren't mention it to my DH or friends/family because I would feel so foolish (I know they support me but I can't quite voice it to them as I know deep down it's probably nothing). Still nothing much happening down there but I fully expect to wake up tomorrow with her in full flow so to speak. But in the meantime I'm holding out hope as this is very unusual for me.  I'm so glad to read that you got your little miracle after waiting so long. You are very blessed and I wish you all the luck with trying for miracle number 2 :) x
  • Reading your post makes me want you to get your baby so much. I really hope you get your little miracle. Life can be really tough and it sounds like you’re really trying to overcome the sadness and disappointment your TTC journey has taken you on. Stay strong! Let us know how you get on.xx. 
  • @Munchkin38 was it AF? Just read this post with tears in my eyes x
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