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MESSAGE FOR BLUEBIRD - FROM GEORGE
Dear Bluebird,
Sorry for posting via the Long Term TTC but I hope that you will see this message. You have been such a great support to me since we first met when I had my m/c in 2007.
As you know I was delighted to find out I was pregnant with my 2nd child, due on 14th October. After those difficult and worrying early weeks, everything had settled down and the pregnancy was going really well. I saw the consultant just last week and was relieved to be told that everything looked fine, it was a normal pregnancy, and no problems were anticipated.
Sadly my waters broke on Tuesday evening unexpextantly and although it was hoped that my baby could stay inside for a few more weeks, I went into premature labour yesterday morning and delivered my beautiful but tiny daughter Grace, at just 24+1. She weighed just 750g and was cared for by a fantastic team in special care. We know that everything possible was done for our daughter but she simply was not ready to enter the world and after a very short life of 10 hours, she died in our arms last night. The sense of loss that I feel is totally undescribable. I am absolutely devastated and numb. It's something you never really imagine will happen to you.
I know that you would be thinking of me at some time and I wanted to let you know what has happened. I don't know how I move on from this at the moment. Our beautiful and healthy toddler will no doubt help to ease our pain. I have not seen him since I delivered Grace as family have kindly been looking after him. We are returning to the hospital this morning to see the consultant and to register both Grace's birth & death, before we collect our little boy. I am really looking forward to seeing him.
Love to you Bluebird. I have not had a chance to read the latest posts but hope you have more positive news. I hope to chat to you soon.
George, x
Sorry for posting via the Long Term TTC but I hope that you will see this message. You have been such a great support to me since we first met when I had my m/c in 2007.
As you know I was delighted to find out I was pregnant with my 2nd child, due on 14th October. After those difficult and worrying early weeks, everything had settled down and the pregnancy was going really well. I saw the consultant just last week and was relieved to be told that everything looked fine, it was a normal pregnancy, and no problems were anticipated.
Sadly my waters broke on Tuesday evening unexpextantly and although it was hoped that my baby could stay inside for a few more weeks, I went into premature labour yesterday morning and delivered my beautiful but tiny daughter Grace, at just 24+1. She weighed just 750g and was cared for by a fantastic team in special care. We know that everything possible was done for our daughter but she simply was not ready to enter the world and after a very short life of 10 hours, she died in our arms last night. The sense of loss that I feel is totally undescribable. I am absolutely devastated and numb. It's something you never really imagine will happen to you.
I know that you would be thinking of me at some time and I wanted to let you know what has happened. I don't know how I move on from this at the moment. Our beautiful and healthy toddler will no doubt help to ease our pain. I have not seen him since I delivered Grace as family have kindly been looking after him. We are returning to the hospital this morning to see the consultant and to register both Grace's birth & death, before we collect our little boy. I am really looking forward to seeing him.
Love to you Bluebird. I have not had a chance to read the latest posts but hope you have more positive news. I hope to chat to you soon.
George, x
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Replies
Beautiful Grace was so lucky to have such a wonderful mum as you. Although we have never met, I can tell from your messages that you are a wonderful and caring person. Please dont think about how you are going to move on because that is in the future, just for now, spend some quality time with your family and give that gorgeous little boy a huge hug.
You and your DH will need some time to grieve properly and the thought of your precious angel passing away in your arms is so terribly sad I am struggling to find any words that could come anywhere near to comforting you. Treasure those memories of your beautiful little girl, etch her lovely face upon your heart where she will remain forever.
My heartfelt sympathy goes to you and your DH and I sincerely hope that you will be a tower of strength for each other and that the presence of your wonderful little boy will bring you both a beautiful rainbow instead of just the rain.
Lots and lots of love and big hugs for you George, hope to apeak again soon but only when you are ready. love bluebird xxxx
[Modified by: bluebird on June 26, 2009 10:50 AM]
With love xxxx
[Modified by: skye26 on June 26, 2009 10:57 AM]
Dear skye26, Many thanks for your message. Please don't apologise for "butting in", I am grateful for your kindness. George, x
I hope that you can find the strength to get through this tragedy. I have a Grace and I thought about your angel Grace when I was putting mine to bed tonight and realised just how lucky I am.
I'm so so sorry.
Helen.xxx
Moonbean x
Please try and take good care of yourself George, give that special little man (and the special big man) a huge hug.
Hope to speak to you soon but only when you are ready. lots of love to you and your lovely family, bluebird xxxx
Just wanted you to know that i am still thinking about you and hope that you and dh are as alright as you can be. Sending special wishes. lots of love, bluebird xxxx
Hope you are feeling a little better now although I woudnt be surprised if you werent. I have been thinking about you so much and wondering how you were. Hope your little man is still the same bundle of joy and is keeping you smiling. I bet it must be hard when he is sleeping and your focus is elsewhere. How are you doing hun? and how is your dh? Hope that the stupid comments from your friends have subsided now. Of course Grace was important, she was a beautiful little girl who has two very loving parents who will never forget her and think of her always. I suppose some people dont know what to say at times like these but that isnt always helpful to you.
I do hope to hear from you again soon and hope that are starting to rebuild your life after this devasating experience.
You're always in my thoughts, please take good care and give that little gorgeous boy a huge hug from me.
lots of love, bluebird xxxx
Lovely to hear from you as always. Your support is always very much appreciated.
I feel like I am functioning at the moment but I don't really feel like I am moving forward. I suppose that's normal. I feel like some people think I should be getting "back to normal" now that a few weeks have passed since Grace's death, and now that we have had her funeral, but it's not that simple. I don't currently know how to deal with this sadness. I just wish things were different. I think of Grace all the time and when I close my eyes I see her face. I keep wondering if it was something I did, or what could have changed things. I wonder why this had to happen to us. I have so many questions and yet the answers will never bring our little girl back to us. When friends see me I think I am giving the impression of being "OK" yet I am not, I feel lost.
I am so lucky to have my little boy. He is such a joy and really does give me something to smile about. Sometimes though I look at him and feel so sad that we will never see Grace become that cheeky lovable toddler, and that although she will always be his "little sister", they will never grow up together, she will always be Baby Grace.
We are talking of the future already. Some probably think this is too soon but I'm 38 and I don't want to wait too long before trying for another baby. I worry that we won't be lucky enough to concieve again, or that if we do, we will have a similar outcome, and it really scares me. Another baby won't replace Grace but that does not stop me wanting another baby.
Oh bluebird. I am so sorry. My post is full of misery! I am writing what's in my head and it's all over the place. Please forgive me.
Please do let me know HOW YOU are!!
Love George, x
So sorry for taking a while to reply. My heart still goes out to you, your sad and tragic loss and the depth of sadness that is still with you is so tangible, it jumps off the page. If people think that you can get back to normal that quickly they are either very insensitive or havent got a clue!!! I still get really sad about my mc even though i was only about 6 weeks so goodness only knows what you must be feeling like. The thing is, dont take any notice of what anyone else has to say, you must deal with it together in your own way. Grace will always be as important to you as your gorgeous little boy and any future babies that you have. No-one will ever replace her, she is unique and a little person in her own right who was totally loved and adored by her parents.
I dont think it is too soon at all to be trying for another baby. Yes, age may be a factor but you are probably like so many other mums to be who sadly lose their baby who want to try again as soon as possible. You are not trying to replace your little lost angel, you just have that natural desire to want another baby. There is nothing wrong with that at all!!!! I pray that you will be sucessful and that you conceive sooner rather than later. Although you will worry like crazy if you do fall, it will still give you hope that you will be blessed with another cheeky little one to be a brother or sister to your little chap.
Please dont worry about your post being "full of misery" as you put it, it is perfectly understandable in the circumstances and i wish i could give you a big hug! Never be afraid to write what is in yur head George, it can be really helpful to do that. I am always pleased to hear from you and see how you are doing.
As for me, sadly, i think my time is now over. My menopause symptoms are increasing and af has gone on the missing list! Last had an af in February and then they suddenly just stopped! Think i have to be realistic now and am grateful for my wonderful son who is 13 in September and is still an absolute joy. I think my lost bean in October 2006 was my last chance. i deeply regret not going to the fertility clinic straight after that because all my bloods were still coming back normal with low fsh and high progesterone. Now, its the other way round and i have wasted all that time before seeking help only to be told that there is nothing they can do now. Oh well, at least i did try hard. My little one would have been two last month and that is hard to take but i am 48 now so it isnt really surprising that nothing is happening. I might go to the docs to see if there is anything else i can do. I did have accupuncture for 3 months to try and get af back but it didnt work. Apart from that, I am ok, just so disappointed.
Please do keep in touch, My thoughts are still with you and i hope that you are as alright as you can be.
lots of love to you and your family George,
love, bluebird xxxx
Just a quick hello & hope that you are doing ok. Hope to hear from you soon.
lots of love, bluebird xxxx
Thanks for your lovely messages. Sorry it's taken me a while to reply. I have not been visiting Baby Expert much, I registered with SANDS and they have a good forum where I am able to talk to other Mum's who have had very similar experiences. When you go on the forum it's tragic to read so many sad stories and staggering to realise just how many babies die.
I am doing "OK" I think. I'm keeping very busy but I'm worried I'm holding back my emotions and that at some point it's really going to hit me hard. I'm thinking of perhaps getting some counselling but I don't really know if it will help, or how to go about it. The GP was useless when I saw her and I know that no amount of talking will bring Grace back. I don't know how to feel better.
I went to a wedding yesterday. I clocked the only pregnant woman at the church and then ended up meeting her in the ladies of all places when I was changing a nappy! Being polite I asked the heavily pregnant woman when her baby was due, next week she replied and then asked me the question I dread, "How many children do you have?". I hesitated before replying that I had two and that my daughter had sadly died after being born prematurely. I felt awful all day that I had shared this with a lovely pregnant woman. I had not intended to but when asked how many children it just did not feel right to say one.
I'm so sorry to hear that it appears to be the end of the road in trying to concieve for you. You have indeed tried very hard and I really do feel for you. Yes, you are fortunate to have your son but it does not mean that the longing for a baby with your husband is any less. I know that if I am unable to have another child I will feel incomplete somehow. Never give up hope bluebird, I have heard many stories of people who stop trying and suddenly discover that they are pregnant.
As for me, I am waiting for AF to arrive. It's just over 6 weeks since Grace was born and died so I'm hoping things will return to "normal" soon as we are keen to try for another baby after one AF. The GP suggested waiting for 3 but I can't see the point, she could give no medical reason for that and my consultant seemed to think that if I was able to concieve, my body would be ready. I know that a further pregnancy will be filled with worry but I have to try. It will be worth it if I have a full term healthy baby at the end of it.
Let me know what the GP says if you do decide to visit to see if any other options are available to you. I'll check on here again to see how you are doing.
Love George, xxx
I dont know you but i have been in lttc for a while now. Just wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss. Your post brought tears to my eyes and whilst i can try and empathise there is nothing to compare to the loss of a child, and i cant not imagaine what you have been through.
I hope that you have found some comfort in your son and the love and concern of others around you, there must be so many people who care about about you, not least here!
Life seems so unkind sometimes, but i hope that you manage to find some peace with your situation.
Thinking of you,
Gemma x
Thank you for your lovely reply. It is always lovely to hear from you but i just wish it could be under different circumstances. I am really glad that you have joined SANDS and are finding the forums there a comfort to you. At least you know that the ladies you are chatting to there understand exactly how you feel and what you are going through. M
A good friend of mine lost her baby three weeks before the due date and was devastated as you will understand. She went on to have two healthy children after that and her daughter was born when she was either 40 or 41, cant remember which. I hope with all my heart that you can fall pg again very soon and succesfully carry that little one to term. Sorry to ask you, but have they got any idea at all why baby Grace was taken so early? I am hoping that if they have found the reason, they will be able to look after you better when you fall pg again.
Have you thought any more about counselling? Reading that your GP was useless makes me so angry and saddens me too. That's a horrible thing to do and totally insensitive. I wonder why people like that do that job if they cant help people. Perhaps the SANDS site may give you some useful advice for that.
Thanks for your kind words about me. It really is such a shame really. I am on day 175 at the moment so its looking very bleak. We are going to France on holiday on Monday for 13 days and i am so looking forward to it. I know this sounds totally daft but the last time we went to France, i was so chilled out that i fell pg the week after we got back and that was after af had gone on the missing list for 3 months! So, i am hoping (foolishly probably) that lightening does strike the same place twice and that it will happen again. Who knows? lol. In the mean time, i will try and keep my meonpause symptoms at bay for a bit longer!
I have taken the plunge and booked a doctors appt for the week i am back to discuss all my options with him. Think i know what he will say but going to bit the bullet and see what, if anything, he can do.
Anyway, please take good care of yourself George, i often think about you. I am going to try and work out how to change my profile so that i have got the email option when i get back so that you can email my private email address if that is easier. I am thinking of coming off BE so this way we could still keep in touch.
My fondest wishes to you and your husband,
lots of love, bluebird xxxx
Nice to hear from you. It's funny you should mention emailing instead of being in contact via this forum, I had no idea you could add your email option until Friday! I added mine then as the SANDS forum has closed!! It's such a shame. Apparently they are having problems with some individuals abusing the forum so have made the decision to close it but they did it with no warning which leaves everyone without the support. It's awful really. Fortunately I have managed to get in touch with one of the other Mum's who I have been in close contact with but I will miss the specialist support of SANDS. Anyway, please do email me!
I don't mind you asking about the reason for Grace's early arrival. I am still searching for answers however it appears that the most likely cause of my premature labour was Group B Strep which I did not know that I carried. It's not routinely tested for on the NHS, nor do they make pregnant women aware of it which I think is appalling. Grace was a good size for her gestation so they had hoped she would do well but she was not responding well to the treatment and tests from her bloods confirmed she had Group B Strep. The results from the placenta also show signs of infection. Unfortunately I will be at risk of the same thing happening in a future pregnancy but I have been assured that I will be monitored very closely and that I will be tested for Group B during my pregnancy. I'll automatically be given the IV antibiotic required during labour to prevent another baby getting the infection however this will need to be given 8 hours prior to birth and I'm worried that a 3rd labour may not be this long for it to be possible. Anyway all this worry is some time off. First I need to get pregnant again, fingers crossed. The good news is that AF arrived so my body appears to be working and we can start trying.
Anyway, I hope that you have a lovely break in France with nice weather. I'll be thinking of you and hope that you are lucky enough to fall pregnant once again. I would be absolutely delighted for you if that were to happen.
Take care bluebird and thanks as ever for all your support.
Love George, x
Hope that the holiday in France was relaxing and you had some good luck with TTC!
We are back from our break in Suffolk. Been making good effort with TTC however also consumed far too much wine... not good!
Hope to hear from you soon.
George, x
Hope you are OK.
George, x