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O/T Very concerned about DH and need some urgent advice

I'm very worried about my DH's state of mind at the moment. I've been quite blunt here and I hope none of you are offended or upset by some of the things I describe.

We have been together for the last 8 years almost and married for 2. He joined the navy as we first got together and left in Summer last year so we could settle down into married life properly and start ttc.

We've only been living together ful-time since he came out the navy and before that he spent long periods sometimes up to 6 months away. He really loved the Navy but he knew all along I gave him the ultimatum the navy or me once we're married. he's come out but is not adjusting to civvy life at all and i happy in the job he's now in or with me.

Since summer when he left he has not been himself. He struggles to control his temper and anger and although it's not physical towards me it's more emotional or he will sometimes throw things etc. He has had a few occassions where he seems to have been having some kind of a breakdown. He once went walking the streets with no shoes on crying and had covered himself in water so his clothes were soaking wet. I had to chase after him for an hour and he had threatened to walk out on a car.

Things seemed to improve for a while but then at xmas eve he walked out again and was sat by a dual carriage way. I brought him home again.

Again things seemed to be getting much better and then a couple of weeks ago he was threatening suicide again.

I just don't know what to do. I want to be with my DH and at the weekend he said he knows it's all down to him and I'm trying to help him. As you an imagine ttc is adding to all of this.

This morning I went to work and we had been arguing because he had lost his temper over nothing again. I drove to work and he was meant to be going to the other side of the country on a course. I was worried he'd done something and rang/texted all day just to tell him to let me know he as ok. I got hom from work and his car had gone and there were beer cans on the side but no sign of him.

I rang his mum's and he wasn't there. I text and told him if he didn't reply within 5 mins i was reporting him missing and ringing his mum. Just as I was about to call and tell our families I was worried I text saying he was ok but that was it- I haven't a clue where he is or what state of mind he's in or whether he's gone. It makes me so angry how selfish he can be and what he's putting me through. I'm not bothered about our relationship now just in trying to stop him harming himself.

The problem is that I once tried to tell his mum and brother who he's very close to that he is having psychological problems and is suicidal and they didn't take me seriously and told me dh and joked about it which made it worse and then dh went mad at me.

I can't cope with the way he's acting any more it just seems so selfish and it's making me constantly stressed and anxious. We've slept in separate rooms for the last couple of nights because I said I wanted to try a trial separation to help him and shock him I suppose.

I don't know how and /if to tell his mum without making it worse. I've asked him to see his gp or get some professional help and he accepts he needs it but wants to apply to the police in the future and doesn't want it to count against him so won't. I keep having to covering up with friends, his family, my family and I just can't keep doing it.

I've told him it might be best if he goes to stay at his mums for some time-out but then he'd have to tell her we're on the rocks and I'd want him to tell her why.

What should I do?

Sorry to go on and be so blunt just on't know where to turn. I feel like I'm not even writing about us but someone else. xxx

Replies

  • Thank you for your support MrsA. He's just text me know as if nothing as happened and he'll make out I'm being irrational no doubt.

    I basically told his mum and brother the first time he sped off in his car and told me he was going to do something- the same day as he went out barefoot. He wouldn't answer his phone and so I rang his borther and said look I'm worried can you just rang and not mention this and let me know if he answered. The next thing my DH rang back and said what's this about my brother ringing saying to me 'she thinks you're gonna do yourself in lol'. I rang his mum the next day when dh wasn't around and said I was concerned and she put it down to us arguing but didn't take it seriously. His brother was also in te navy you see but came out- I've asked him to confide in him but he won't.

    I've just told him either we or he needs to tell his mum or if not I'll have to.

    At the same time I'm frightened if I do tell anyone his world will come crashing down and that will lead him to follow-through on his threats next time.

    Thank you- I appreciate it xxx

  • He's just text to say he's taken his razor and washbag and has left me.
  • Hope, I'm so sad for you right now! What a huge stress to be under.

    Sounds to me like your hubby definately has some mental issues, it's so important for him to see this and seek help. For him not to realise this after the bare foot situation is worrying.

    I cannot believe his mother and brother are making out like it's you with the problem! I hope for their sakes it doesn't take him doing something silly for them to then realise just how serious you are! I mean it's your husband for god sake, why the hell would you exaggerate about this!

    All I can say is, I'm really praying everything turns out ok and he just needs to figuire out what's going on in his head. I hope he doesn't push you away or hurt you anymore!

    I got chills up and down my spine just Reading your post, so god only knows how you must be feeling right now!!

    I could say what a selfish man he is, but we don't know why he is acting like this - I just hope everything will be ok and he will come to his sences!

    You don't deserve this, no one does. Please let us know if you hear from him again. Thinking of you Hope!

    xxxxx
  • Hi Hope, been thinking about you loads since i read your heartbreaking post. Is there any news sweetie? Thinking of you, i hope everything is okay now :cry: xxx
  • Just read your post as well, whilst catching up.

    How heartbreaking for you. I think I would be repeating what the girls have said as I agree with them.
    He does need help, do the Navy not do any evaluation's when they leave?? I agree with one of teh other ladies about maybe asking to speak to the mum 1st in confidence & sit her down to discuss this seriously, if she's still not interested then I would ask her to not repeat the conversation to either of her sons as she will make matters worse.

    Sorry not more help but I couldnt R&R I hope that something gets sorted soon for both of you xxx
  • Oh Hun I can't begin to imagine how you must be feeling. It is quite obvious that he does need some help and sadly til he accepts this he just wont be able to get it.
    I would strongly advise you though to stop ttc until he has had the help he needs. xx
  • HI
    G/crashing but wanted to say I was in the RAF but only for 3 years (I also was detached with the navy for 6 months) and then left to go to uni. Leaving was my choice but it was a culture shock and so so hard !! When I re-joined my RAF friends from being with the Navy I was devastated for no reason. I was used to people being there 24/7 and hated not having those people and the life where your away from everything. When I left the RAF it was awful too as I felt completly alone and missed the pride of being in the RAF (sounds stupid). I really urge you to contact the Bristish Legion who will be able to provide specific support to yr OH about leaving the forces. He may feel annoyed at you as he may feel that he left for you (if he's not thinking straight). But once he feels established in civvy street (ie new job etc) he will feel better. He needs lots of support as do you at this time xxx
  • Oh Hope what a difficult thing to go through on top of TTC. Is there anyone else that he is close to apart from his mum and brother who might see what you see? Any close friends who has seen him do these things and might be able to help you convince him to get help? I don't really know about getting into the police, but surely until he's out of this state of mind that's not really going to happen anyway. I agree with what MrsA said about private counselling to start with. Good luck I really hope that things are getting better for you already xx
  • Thank you so much everyone for your advice- it's really thoughtful of you to reply.

    My husband went to his mum's last night and I decided that enough was enough and I needed some support and culdn't keep bottling up and pretending everything was ok as I had for months.

    I went to my mum and dad's and was totally honest with them and they made me go round to my mother in laws and speak to me husband and his mum with my dad there to support me.

    I got everything off my chest and told her about him being suicidal. She was surprisingly very supportive and understandbly worried. Nina you're right he feels pretty much the same way as your describing.

    He came home last night and things still aren't rosy just yet but there's more hope for us trying to sort out this huge mess. He had an email today to say he's onto the next stage of his police application which has lifted his spirits.

    As for ttc I have pcos and haven't had an af for 12 months. My 2 best friends at work and 2 closest female relatives are all pg at the moment and it's taking it's toll on me but I'm just going to have to get on with it. We all agreed I need to make more time for myself right now and not organise everything around my dh as I had to when he was in the navy. I'm not going to speak to him about ttc at the moment (if I can help it) but i don't think we will use protection as I wouldn't fogive myself if I did happen to ovulate this month and miss out on it after waiting for a year.

    Thank you- I really don't know what I'd do without you lot and your sensible advice and support! xxx
  • Yes whilst ttc isn't the most pressing issue at the moment I haven't been able to 'try properly' because I've my infertility issues so I think it would be silly to now actively do something against it. Unless dh comes out and says he against it in which case I would probably take a bit of time off.

    Feeling a lot better. Only time will tell at the moment whether we can't get through all this but at least I know I've shared the problems and I'm not having to sruggle alone- it's made me feel a lot better.

    Thanks again! xxx
  • Hi Hope, i am so glad you have some support now and not alone and dealing with it all yourself.

    I really hope your DH gets some help soon for both your sakes.

    Sending you love xxx
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