Personally I feel your being a bit hard on him. He isn't drinking every night, shoving coke and shit up his nose or dangling his man bits in the oven. If he is sneaky smoking atleast he isn't doing it full time. I think we forget how hard it can be on menkind, let him have one vice. You can't expect ppl to give up what they want to do. Plus if he isn't ready to give up smoking, and you pressure him too, h will always end up smoking again! Xx
Would you feel this strongly and react the same if there were no fertility issues?
Is it smoking that you hate? Or is it that you feel he is jeopardising his own fertility? Would you really leave him if you found out he was smoking? How would you react if you got preg and he started smoking again, thinking job done - green light?
The fact is although smoking can have a negative impact of semen; it's probable that your OH would have the same issues if he was a non smoker, in the same way that heavy smokers father kids every day.
Giving up smoking can be really hard, and I have worked in smoking cessation groups with mixed results (I'm a nurse). Has your OH tried Champix? It is a tablet you take that reduces the desire for cigs, if you are on the tablets and you smoke, it can make you physically sick. It has had really good results and might be worth trying. However, it is difficult to help you OH if he can't be honest with you?
Personally I find the deception more worrying than the smoking, you need to trust each other! It could just be old lighters as you say?
Try not to be angry and sit down with your OH and tell him that you know he may have moments of weakness and crave a cig, that you want to support him and help him. You could go to the GP together and ask about Champix or other types of NRT (Nicotine replacement therapy)
It's fine to let of steam and better to do it on here than at your OH, you need to work together and stay strong. Enjoy you BD'ing month and I wish you lots of luck xxxxx
Lilly, I have to say I would be exactly the same as you. I can sympathize with how difficult it must be to give up, but ultimately this could have an impact on his fertility and you will have to bare the brunt of any treatment, with hormones, drugs, mood swings, and then egg collection and the indignity of all the investigations etc.
I know its not the same, but when i was suffering on Clomid (due to not ovulating) hubby continued to have the odd drink here and there, (he also had below average sperm count) It wasn't all the time, but it used to frustrate the hell out of me, i would be suffering mood swings, migraines and every other symp going and he would make a bit of a thing about abstaining from the odd drink at the weekend. In the end it was the principle of the thing, i needed his support and to know that before we went for more treatment that we had given everything else our absolute best shot. I ended up getting very tearful one night, and reminded him about the cost of future treatment, the stress involved and the physical and emotional cost to to me. I knew once the clomid was over we would only have our 1 nhs go and then perhaps 1 more go.. i needed him to do everything in his power to help, so i would resent him.
I would have a honest heart to heart, and perhaps see if he could get some support from his GP?
Thanks very much .... really good advice (as usual) and it really helped. Now feel very stupid for posting all my cr*p but I do appreciate you taking the time to give your thoughts. To be honest I think this is less to do with just smoking than I admitted but that's the silly catalyst that has set off a very long time of ongoing relationship issues that we've both been trying to ignore. Not sure what the answer is at the moment. But I definitely don't think we'll be getting that natural BFP in the next few months. I never thought I'd be one of those people whose relationship gets messed up through TTC but I think we really are in danger of being a casualty. Not quite sure what to do now. Anyway, I think I need to have a little step back from all this and get things sorted. Thanks for being such great friends.
I totally understand the situation ur in, as I am in it too. My DH SA was so bad, that he has only dead sperms. He is supposed to try his best and redo the SA in hope things might have changed. He smokes and does things that get me really mad. Its very painful to see him do that. I am in th same situation and someimes I don't know what to do
Ttc messed up my relationship. It's hard, it put so much pressure on us that if he didn't want to bd I would actually hate his guts and resent him! We had a three month break from ttc and are feeling alot more refreshed and easy going now. It never goes to the back of your mind but let your hubby think you are relaxing, pressure on bd at right time, ov and peak days etc doesn't help men get off! My hubby thinks I don't think about all that anymore, but I do.... Just not let on... Xxx
Aw honey...first of all big bugs! Sorry I missed this earlier but you've already had loads of great advice. I certainly don't think you are being harsh or over-reacting, I can 100% relate to what you're feeling about the smoking. As you know mrtbd never did (and still hasn't) given up smoking and it STIL DRIVES ME INSANE> But when TTC and going through IVF I was so so resentful that he could not do this one teeny tiny thing to help....seeing as he did b***er all else to help with his rubbishy sperm. I know that probably sounds harsh, but that's how I felt. So I understand.
However, I think the girls are right....you're doing so well to keep calm about it all....maybe just hold off having a big go at him....at least until you have some hard facts. As already mentioned the smell of smoke is so distinctive that I think you'd know hon.
Sorry to hear it's opened up some deeper rship issues. I honestly would be surprised if LTTTC hadn't taken it's toll on the majority of rships at some time or another - it has to be one of the most stressful experiences a couple can go through together. I really hope you can get through it, get that BFP, and I'm certain come out the other side feeling much stronger as a couple than you ever have....I know that's what we feel now...if we can get through this cr*p then we can get through anything.
It is totally rubbish though and I'm not surprised you're feeling angry honey....
Lily I haven't got too much to add as the girls have given you some amazing advice, but my heart goes out to you. Just take each day as it comes, don't rush into anything major at the moment as you are still grieving over FET so please take some time out and I hope your DH takes note. I really hope things improve for you and we are here for you so please remember that. Sending you lots of love and bugs xxxxxxxxxxx
Replies
Is it smoking that you hate? Or is it that you feel he is jeopardising his own fertility? Would you really leave him if you found out he was smoking? How would you react if you got preg and he started smoking again, thinking job done - green light?
The fact is although smoking can have a negative impact of semen; it's probable that your OH would have the same issues if he was a non smoker, in the same way that heavy smokers father kids every day.
Giving up smoking can be really hard, and I have worked in smoking cessation groups with mixed results (I'm a nurse). Has your OH tried Champix? It is a tablet you take that reduces the desire for cigs, if you are on the tablets and you smoke, it can make you physically sick. It has had really good results and might be worth trying. However, it is difficult to help you OH if he can't be honest with you?
Personally I find the deception more worrying than the smoking, you need to trust each other! It could just be old lighters as you say?
Try not to be angry and sit down with your OH and tell him that you know he may have moments of weakness and crave a cig, that you want to support him and help him. You could go to the GP together and ask about Champix or other types of NRT (Nicotine replacement therapy)
It's fine to let of steam and better to do it on here than at your OH, you need to work together and stay strong. Enjoy you BD'ing month and I wish you lots of luck xxxxx
I know its not the same, but when i was suffering on Clomid (due to not ovulating) hubby continued to have the odd drink here and there, (he also had below average sperm count) It wasn't all the time, but it used to frustrate the hell out of me, i would be suffering mood swings, migraines and every other symp going and he would make a bit of a thing about abstaining from the odd drink at the weekend. In the end it was the principle of the thing, i needed his support and to know that before we went for more treatment that we had given everything else our absolute best shot. I ended up getting very tearful one night, and reminded him about the cost of future treatment, the stress involved and the physical and emotional cost to to me. I knew once the clomid was over we would only have our 1 nhs go and then perhaps 1 more go.. i needed him to do everything in his power to help, so i would resent him.
I would have a honest heart to heart, and perhaps see if he could get some support from his GP?
Good Luck with everything.
Gem x
My DH SA was so bad, that he has only dead sperms. He is supposed to try his best and redo the SA in hope things might have changed.
He smokes and does things that get me really mad. Its very painful to see him do that. I am in th same situation and someimes I don't know what to do
However, I think the girls are right....you're doing so well to keep calm about it all....maybe just hold off having a big go at him....at least until you have some hard facts. As already mentioned the smell of smoke is so distinctive that I think you'd know hon.
Sorry to hear it's opened up some deeper rship issues. I honestly would be surprised if LTTTC hadn't taken it's toll on the majority of rships at some time or another - it has to be one of the most stressful experiences a couple can go through together. I really hope you can get through it, get that BFP, and I'm certain come out the other side feeling much stronger as a couple than you ever have....I know that's what we feel now...if we can get through this cr*p then we can get through anything.
It is totally rubbish though and I'm not surprised you're feeling angry honey....
Take care xxxxxxx
Lots of Big Bugs (sorry I love that he he) xxx