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newbie -what do you think

Hi girls

I've been following this forum for 2 years, but never joined. I've been married for 2 1/2 years. Having been off the pill for 3 years and 3 months. I knew prior to getting married that my husband had some ejaculatory problems, and naively believed we would be able to overcome this. I spent much of 2008 unwell with a serious illness, which without going into huge detail; was hugely debilitating and and affected all of bodies systems. A scary time, as both my husband and i are nurses. His greatest fear, was that he would come home and find me dead. So possibly the furthest thing from his mind, was having children. He simply wanted a well wife, and in truth has only really wanted children because he knows i do. Last year we were referred to and had our initial consultation with a fertility clinic. I had a horrific experience with a rough Dr who told me that i had PCOS whilst the probe was still in me, and didn't elaborate what this meant for me. Until i burst into tears, while back in the consultation room with my husband. I am 32 and the particularly strange thing is, i had only 8-9 cysts on each ovary. Suggesting the pcos hadn't been there all of my adult life. Whilst unwell i gained a huge amount of weight, due to medication and immobility. Which i had lost by the time of the appointment, but which the Dr didn't seem to believe until my husband stepped in and said how well i had done. I had hormone tracking and only ever managed to achieve a progesterone of 20 ( don't know what units) which apparantly fell short of the minimum of 30. So they felt it was a half hearted attempt at ovulation. 8 months prior to the initial consultation i had experienced hair growth appearing on my chin, which my beautician agreed hadn't previously been there. We were told we could have 9 months of iui with clomid, followed by 3 months with injectable hormones and iui. Then the 3 cycles of IVF allowed in my area. I had to get my BMI from 40 to 30. They did take into account that i had beaten bullimia in 2007 after 11 years. So they were prepared to stretch it to a bmi of 34. Which i felt was very kind of them. I saw a dietician who said my diet was healthy, and just to cut out the treats. It turns out my husbands ejacullation problems were part psychological (as he could occasionally come but not inside me) but also due to a weak neck of bladder, causing some of the sperm to back track to the bladder. He had some psychosexual counselling but they were unable to deal with any of his issues which were not strictly related to the bedroom i.e strict catholic upbringing etc. They basically told him that sex wasn't dirty and he had to think of his own pleasure in be, and not just mine.

Since then (i year) i have continued to do the same, but have plateaued at a bmi of 37. We have moved our lives forward a bit and bought a house, we hadn't intended to sell our flat etc until we had a child. We decided we would have some time to relax and push things forward after the summer. Just focus on being healthy and chill out, enjoy our lovely new area and be able to go to the pub etc. All the things we had put on hold. After the excitement of moving in and setttling in, i've become increasingly upset at my inability to shift the last bit of weight; and landed up having a huge row with my husband. Where i just poured out how desperate i was for a baby, and how i knew everything down to the pram i wanted; and how it's been impossible to cope with every other person at my work being pregnant. He suddenly seems to understand where i'm coming from, and really had no idea how desperate i've been for years. When he's had times where he has just declared not having children is the way forward.

So finally we are on the same page, and a friend (who of course is pregnant) offered me her cbfm. Something i'd never considered buying as i din't believe it would work. However for the last 3 months i've returned to a 31 day cycle and my hair growth has decreased. So i was using the monitor with no expectations, and after some low and then high days. Got a peak-exactly 14 days before my next period is due, if my cycle is continuing on 31 days. My husband had sex with me during my high days and felt he may have ejaculated. However on a high day 3 days before ovulation and on my second peak day, he did manage to ejaculate a small amount into a container. Which i then AI witha syringe; i must say at this point his previous sa showed that while he only ejaculated a small amount, his sperm was of a good quality; with what the dr described as above average in count and motility I believe he may have had a smug spring in his step, following that consultation!!!!. Anyway all a bit clinical, but needs must, and actually my husband finds it easier. So it's worth a try. We just haven't been focusing to hard on timing, before this month, although i have always initiated sex a couple of times. Around what i've believed to be the right time of month and dependant on ewcm. This month i am 10 dpo and have extremely heavy and sore breasts, with big blue veins showing up, and constantly sensitive and stiff nipples. Sorry if it's tmi. My vagina feel v sensitive, and on checking is very swollen inside but not uncomfortable, and a bit wetter than usual. I've had some cramping feelings in the past 3 days; hpt's are all negative though. Oh and i've been excessively thirsty, which could explain my peeing a lot! So there is a wee bit of me thinks, maybe it's happened. Maybe it's my turn, but the hpt's say otherwise. I'm trying to stay positive and believe that maybe loosing the weight has helped my cycle and even if i'm not pregnant; at least from the hormonal symptoms this month, i feel that the peak on the cbfm may be genuine. My period is due Monday so i suppose i'll find out then. I have decided to indulge myself in one more test on Friday, and then wait for my period to arrive.

I know this has been a long one, and is a huge intro; which i hope is not a complete imposition on this group. Writing it down has been therapeutic for me i think, and i would appreciate any thoughts, from anyone who wishes to reply. I have simply felt unable to participate on this site, until now, as it felt like admitting defeat. Now that it's all written down though, i feel better.

good luck to you all and i hope to speak with some of you, and not just lurk in the shadows!

thank you for reading

Mimi x

Replies

  • Oh Mimi!
    You're amazing! I can't believe I have just read that! It's all so unreal isnt it? I mean, all through you're younger years, its natural to think that having children is easy and every woman will have children. But its not easy at all.
    I'm so excited for you!! And I'm glad that writing all of this down has made you feel better.
    I've got my fingers crossed for you!
    Keep us updated!!

    Sam
  • Hi Littlemissmimi,

    What a trying time you've had... I just wanted to say that I think your symptoms sound really positive, they are v similar to those I had when I was pregnant.

    If you are only 10 dpo, you're probably testing a bit early. I think that's the very earliest people have been known to get a positive result. I'd suggest trying on Saturday or Monday. But some ladies don't have a positive until a after AF is due....

  • Thank you both for your words of support and encouragement. I will keep you updated. I had never thought of people not getting bfp until they were past af! I'm trying to be positive and had some crampy pre-af feeling today. I suppose by this time next week i'll know. It's the first time i've really had any true hope. I've half-heartedly tested in the past, but not with any belief of a bfp being acheivable. This wait is torture. How do other women cope with it?
    It's so lovely to be able to open up and listen without judgement too. Only one friend knows the full story, most of our friends think that my problems are the complete cause: because it's embarrassing for my huband. It's strange how there seem to be more stigma attached to male infertility than female infertility. My friend tries her best to understand, but frankly she doesn't want children and i think see's us their dining and bbq buddies; as they don't like having kids over.
    I'm going to test on Friday and Monday. Just because i'm working the weekend and don't want to deal with testing on a work day: as at the moment i find it so distracting, that it'll affect my focus at work. Plus i can get quite upset just thinking about it. We're off abroad for a friends wedding on Thursday, so i suppose if i have no af and no bfp, i'll have to pack some tests. I'm thinking shares in clearblue would be a wise investment at the moment. What tests are the best. I've read a lot of people using fr but the cb test does say up to 4 days early.

    Again thank you for your words and advice. I will keep you updated.
    mimi x
  • hello, i read your post and id like to offer you the warmest of welcomes. it sounds like you've had a traumatic time, makes me feel my situation is merely nothing in comparison x (OH has low sperm count) x but anyway i wish you lots of luck xx hope to hear from you soon xx
  • grrrr-period arrived for a 33 day cycle this month. tested on Sunday and got a negactive on first response. I had an idea as my boobs deflated over the weekend! Oh well am trying to be positive. I'm wondering if it's worth asking the clinic to re-do my hormone tracking: to find out if my blood tests reflect my cbfm. That said i think with all these symptoms i must be ovulating, at least for this month. Oh well onwards and upwards, am off for a wedding, when i get back it'll be back into the healthy eating and am going to join the local curves. I need to aim for getting the last of this weight off and if i fall pregnant in that time it's a bonus. At least if i know i'm doing everything i can, it helps me to cope. Thank you for all your support ladies x
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