Feeling frightened and can't sleep

Replies

• libranaster

  Mar 29, 2009 7:29PM

  i also suffer from depression and I was on top of mine too without medication. I am trying to hang on and work at it but I feel myself slipping also especially as I am starting not to sleep again too.

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• Dottie1

  Mar 30, 2009 2:00AM

  Morning Libranaster
  
  Yes it going to be tough isn't it? I haven't sleep a wink after all that just lay in bed thinking.....now I have the redest puffiest eyes ever, going to be looking really attractive and ready for work today, not.
  
  To top it off the bloody cat brough in a bird at 6am, squawking so I was up and chasing her around to get out the house!! That hasn't happened for ages, so I am taking it as not a good sign for today, grrrrrrr.
  
  I cannot believe the ups and downs at the moment, I can't quite deal witht these low dips, but all the same I am going to have to and be strong. I have had a word with myself in the mirror and told myself to sort it out and get to work, d'ya think its gonna work????!
  
  Will let you know when I get home......
  
  Love Lou xxx

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• renee18

  Mar 30, 2009 3:40AM

  Honey, you will get through this.
  I have always struggled with depression and suicidal tendencies, i was medicated for a while, and then was able to get a grip on myself.
  When i had my miscarriage i was so scared of myself that i may hurt myself, but you see, you were going on for the sake of the baby, and you will go on for the sake of having a baby.
  I am now so full of hope (2 months after my miscarriage) and cant wait to be pregnant again.
  
  Sending you lots of (((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))))
  And just take it one day at a time without going hard on yourself
  
  Love
  Renee xx

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• libranaster

  Mar 30, 2009 5:19AM

  I mostly have trouble with the feelings of lonliness. All I want to do is talk about it and how I feel but no one wants to hear about it so I am alone and unhappy. I only have here to really let out how I feel and where I am on the emotional roller coaster at that time.

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• _Minnie09_

  Mar 30, 2009 6:43AM

  Hi Dottie
  
  Sorry you didn't get any sleep last night. I hope work goes ok today - you'll be in my thoughts.
  
  This path of grief is such a difficult one to walk with many surprising twists and turns when you least expect it.
  
  I too have suffered from depression in the past and like you was SO scared of falling back into that hole after my mc's. After my first two it took a while but the hope of trying again seemed to pull me through and help me to feel better. However after my 3rd mc it became too much and I started getting really bad anxiety/panic attacks again. It felt different this time because we had to have all the tests etc. So I went back on a low dose anti-depressant. My GP thought I should have gone on it after the second mc but I was so determined to stay off medication. But one thing I have learned is that it's ok to ask for help and to take help when you need it. I'm not suggesting that you go on anti-depressants - obviously that's a decision only you and your GP can make, but know that it's ok to take help if you need to. Whatever that help might be.
  
  But I'd also say that it's very early days and feeling the grief and upset that you do is perfectly normal after what you've been through. I know people always say this but it really does get easier as the weeks pass. Personally I don't think it gets better but you learn how to live with the pain and how to grieve and how to deal with the hurt. It'll always be a part of your life but one day you'll be able to look back on your pregnancy in a positive light and remember the happy times you and your baby shared together. I didn't believe it when a nurse at the EPU said that to me, but it really is true - now I can look back on my 3 pregnancies and feel honoured that I had my babies, even if only for a short time. I remember all the things we did together whilst I was pregnant and how amazing it felt to have a baby inside me (even if the last 2 pregnancies were also filled with lots of worry).
  
  2 months ago I was in a right state and thought I'd never come out the other side. But things are picking up now and I'm looking forward to trying again. When you're in the middle of it, it feels like it'll never end...but it does, I promise.
  
  Grief takes time but don't beat yourself up about how you're feeling.
  
  Hope today is a brighter day for you.
  
  Love and hugs, NN xxx

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• MrsDAO

  Mar 30, 2009 12:17PM

  Hi honey,
  I haven't suffered from depression myself so hope you don't mind me putting my oar in. Everything you describe is exactly how I felt the first weeks/month after my mc. Nighttimes were worst as I couldn't sleep. Nothing seemed to help me focus or move on and I fount night time and days when I was really tired the worst, dreading going to bed.
  I also couldn't be arsed with "normal" conversation - it all seemed so pointless sand I just wanted to scream at people "do you not realise that what you're talking about doesn't matter??? I've lost our baby!!!!". Obviously I couldn't say that to them. Only to DH!
  So on the more positive side I genuinely don't feel that way anymore. I feel fine. Sad and in need of support from time to time but I can definitely see a way out of this and can see that it is getting better every day. And trying to muster PMA can be hard but you will get there and everyone on here is delighted to support you in any way we can.
  Sending lots of love.
  xxx
  

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• Lauz_41

  Mar 30, 2009 12:30PM

  Hey Chick,
  
  I hope 2day wasnt to bad for you and that you survived it fine....
  
  I havent suffered from depression but i have felt very low - mainky after the death of my mum and again now after losing the baby but i just try to pick myself up and keep goin as i have no choice even though all i want to do ias curl up and sleep sometimes and neevr wake up ...thinking about it i prob am depressed a little and just dont have any treatment for it but hey ho...
  
  I know this isnt any help but i just wanted to say that i was thinking of you today and i hope it all went as best as could be....
  
  Lx

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• lydiavn

  Mar 30, 2009 12:55PM

  Hi Dottie,
  I can relate to many of things you are feeling. It is 6 wks tomorrow since we were told and I still have more bleak days than good and often sob in the shower. I have had 'issues' in the past and so recognised some of the desperate, lonely and dark places my mind was going. I have started to see a counsellor and am hoping this will help me pick myself back up. As the others have said grief and MC can give you the feelings of depression and this can still be 'normal'. But you know yourself the best and when you may need extra support. In time though, you will start to feel like you are coping better.
  I hope today went well for you. And you find your avatar! ((Hugs))
  Lilou x

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• Dottie1

  Mar 30, 2009 3:22PM

  
  My goodness you girls simply amaze me! I was thinking all day today 'oh my god what are they all gonna think of my late night ramblings'??!! At much to my surprise it turns out that we all feel very similar things and our worries and stresses, be it little or big ,are commonly shared amongst us, and much to my relief I know that I'm not the odd one out here, phew....
  
  Thank god for this place, where we can voice out thoughts, feelings and opinions without feeling wrong and judged and be able to just be honest about this whole thing, it is so much better than pretending to be ok about it, although I do a bit of that at the moment -oops.
  
  I think when we're talking about being really down, its so sad for any of us to think at that point that we are so so alone, we really are not, look at what we are able to do for one another, that's because on a level we really do understand each others pain and anguish.
  
  Last night I think I felt so little and everything around me felt so big and closing in on me it was like I couldn't breath or something?? My fear is like NattyNik, I too sometimes suffer from mild type panic attacks and again I thought I'd got over it really but fear it may be creeping back in -doh!
  
  Libranaster - I am sorry you feel so lonley at times, you are so far away hey, otherwise I'd suggest meeting up for coffee?! Do you have Skype?x
  
  Renee18, I am well impressed with all your hope, with all that PMA you are bound to get BFP really soon! Yay. x
  
  NattyNik - I love your outlook on remembering those lovely moments that when we were pg and enjoying special moments with our babies if only even for a short period of time - it was still real. I am with you every step of the way with your next round y'know and will be wishing, hoping and praying with all my might that this is it for you, (and for everybody else too -not leaving anybody out here!lol) x
  
  DebbieA - it sounded very much like the right thing to do for you at the time, I am going to have to see how far I can ride out this one but if things gets really bad, you are right its not worth risking out health for and sometimes its not the worse thing we can do to help ourselves be able to move forward. I can sympathise with that feeling of hating myself for losing our baby, I got so upset in the shower the other day looking at my pathetic naked body and my tummy where that baby should be and wondered why it had let me down so badly. But I know I cannot think that way - there is nothing more I could have done at the end of the day. Tis fate as they say, unfair as it feels. x
  
  Mrs DAO, thanks for your response, I almost laughed at your comment about not being arsed with any normal conversation, and thinking nothing matters I've lost my baby!!! I can totally relate, everything else seems completely irrelevant. But I am glad to hear that you are feeling much brighter and are slowly but surely moving on and getting through the worst of it. Good for you girl, PMA PMA!! x
  
  Lauz41, Hey I did survive, it took a hell of a lot of will and rescue remedy but I made it through, it was ok, just felt strange for a bit and then I got back in to the swing of it, probably just what I needed. I think you have been through an awful lot what with your poor mother too, I am very sorry. But you are right, curling up is not an option, its sink or swim time for us girls and we all want to go on and swim and make it worth it our while (pref with a baby in tow). x
  
  Lilou - you are so lovely - am sending a big hug for you my dear. You say such kind things. I saw a counsellor a long time ago and at the time it wasn't right for me but you know it was one of the things I was thinking about last night, and maybe now might be a good time to go and talk through things, I find talking helps me alot. But talking about how I really, really feel, as in my darkest deep down feelings is a different matter. I am very good at putting on my best mask and saying what other people want to hear and not what I feel. I will think on it some more. Am going to get hubby to sort out my avatar as I dunno what I did to make it disappear...what a numpty. hehe x
  
  Again - thanks girls, you are all fabulous - big hugs xxx
  
  PS, sorry about my bad English and shocking spelling!!
  

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