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Religion and beliefs

Hi Ladies

I know that people's religion and beliefs can be a sensitive subject so I hope that I don't upset anybody with my post. But this is something that has been on and off my mind since my first miscarriage and more on my mind than not lately.

I wasn't brought up with any religious beliefs and for most of my life I have believed in Fate rather than any religion or God. I believed that things happened for a reason but lately I've been really struggling with that concept. I always thought that you might not know the reasons why things happen but they still happened for a reason - but what reason could there possibly be for loosing my babies? After my first miscarriage I tried to find some reasons - it served as a coping mechanism to get me through the pain and actually worked quite well, as it has in the past when bad things have happened. But now I am struggling....3 losses and I'm running out of 'reasons'.

I know what will be, will be but this last year of my life has really made me think about things rather deeply.

In the past I've questioned rather heavily whether there could possibly be a God when such awful things happen in the world. I wondered that if there was, why did He keep choosing ME to be hurt?

Until this last year I've never truly dealt with the force of grief. My grandparents died when I was very young and my 'setp dad' (him and mum weren't married but to me they may have well have been) was killed when I was about 12. I didn't really understand what was happening and buried my grief in my other problems at the time. I never spent much time wondering about what happens after people die.

But now my babies have died I find myself questioning it. Where are they? Who is looking after them? Somebody HAS to be looking after them...they cannot be alone.

My CPN says these are typical symptoms of grief and my maternal instinct to protect my babies.

I believe in Angels. I believe my babies are with others who have passed away. I believe they are watching over me and can hear me when I talk to them.

Recently I've found myself wanting to go to Church and wanting so much for God to be real so that somebody is looking after my babies. But then I feel so guilty and hypocritical because I haven't been a Christian all my life or gone to Church every Sunday.

Is it really bad of me to think these things and want to go to Church?

Have others ever felt like this or found the need for faith to help them through?

I deeply hope that my post hasn't upset anyone and I appreciate honest opinions.

~ NN xxx

(Also posted in Support)


  • NN have sent you an email.
  • I think it is lovely that you think of them as angels and i don't think it is hypocritical to want to find a way to understand what has happened it is unfair and i think we all want answers to why this happens to us. I know i struggle deeply to understand how people like babyP's mum was allowed to have a baby and i can't.
    I don't know what to believe in but i do like to think that my two little boo's are with my gran and she is looking after them until i get there ( she was a truly fab gran so i know she will do a good job ).
    I think if you feel like visiting a church then you should you must do what is right for you!
    Thinking of you
    Love Rena x x
  • Hi just wanted to say how sorry i am that you feel like this, faith is such a difficult thing to get youre head round especially when you're feeling so hurt and let down. I read a wonderful book called The Shack, it's religious (not in a shove it down you're throat way) about a dad who looses faith after his child dies... I wont go on in case anyone want's to read it. I found the book on holiday, someone left it by the pool, began reading and couldnt put it down, a month later we fell pg then had a mmc in dec. Dont know why just feel like maybe there is a reason i came across that book. I hope things begin to make sense for you soon whatever path you decide to take. All the best Plum.xx

    [Modified by: plum24 on March 15, 2009 05:35 PM]

  • Hi NN,

    Just saw this post and felt compelled to answer.

    I have to say that my faith is what has got me through the tough points in my life. It's hard to put it into words, but I just know that God loves me and wants the best for me. It doesn't make sense with all the suffering in the world, but I don't think that's his choosing. Think how much pain we cause one another too.

    Anyway, I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to go to church, even if you're not sure where you stand. The only way to find out if it works for you is if you give it a go. I'd really recommend an Alpha course - - it's based on Christianity, but does deal with some of the common questions that people have, the course is free.

    Finally, my church is my community and I've made many dear friends, many of whom have been through similar things in life.

    I hope you manage to find some answers and if you ever want to chat about it, then just let me know.

    Sam x

    PS. I've also heard great things about The Shack!
  • Hi NN,
    Although I haven't been a great believer, I always turn to God praying when I have a difficulty, and I always find myself thinking that I'm a liar because since I don't believe how can I ask for HIS help?
    I have prayed for my second bean as well but unfortunately I lost it!
    I keep praying for my dad who's been sick for the pat 15 years but he's getting worse now and the doctors can't do anything else!

    Where is God when you need HIM? I haven't seen HIM yet but I guess whenever I feel like I will pray and I'll visit a church (although that's not happening very often).

    IIf you feel like going to church, you should that. It might make you feel better. People find help in different ways and this one is yours!

    I hope you find the answers you're looking for...

  • I don't think you are hypocritical to want to go to church. I believe God is there for everyone as much as he can be and if you want to seek comfort in the church then he would welcome you there regular or not.

    I am a catholic, we go to church most sundays, however I have to say I am with you on the issue of why did it have to happen to me. I am a good person, I would have loved our baby, there are plenty of people who have children they don't want and abuse them why couldn't he take their baby. Since my mc I have not been to communion. I feel a little bit like I blame him for what has happened because I have no other explanation. I don't feel like I can take communion whilst I feel this way, my husband is struggling with this a little but that said, I have lit candles for our baby and that has bought me some comfort xxx
  • hi hun,
    i never believed in god or anything religous untill i had my miscarrige in january i was 20 wks when i found out and had been through so much in my pregnancy it was horrible and i felt like i had done something wrong that it was all my fault then when i went in to give birth a nurse that was with me brought the vicar in to see me and it made me feel so much better and it was the same vicar i used for the funeral and now he is like a friend to me always there for a cuppa and a chat and i truely believe someone upstairs is looking after all our babies and their all angles and when its my turn to go my little girl will be waiting for me just as am sure your baby will be waitng for you hope you fell better soon and dont worry about upsetting poeple as we all have different views on life as am sure we do on death
    take care hun. x x x
  • Just come across this post.,.

    I have always believed that there was a 'god' im not mega gran always said you didnt have to go to chapel to pray as God could always hear u and i suppose i have gone with that...i say a little prayer before bed every night or at least i used to...

    However, since losing my mum and now my baby i cant help thinking 'why me' i prayed this little one would make it and i know people pray all the time for things when people get sick etc dont they and maybe they dont believe so thats why it doesnt work but i did - i believed he was there and could here me just for once...i try to be a good person and i think hubby and me would be great parents or at least we would try our hardest to,...however now im of the belief that there is no god and if there is he isnt a very nice person with all the sadness in the world and what he is making me go through..

    I realise that sounds ridiculous and that people are put on earth to make their own choices etc and so God cant just step in and make things ok but i just feel like i am being punished for something...see that saying 'only the good die young' (or something like that) i think thats true and that my mum was an 'angel' on earth and so was chosen to be a proper angel and now i think on my baby as a little angel but i cant help thinking why did he take my mum so young and why did she have to suffer so much and why take my baby so soon after?

    I realise this sounds like i just feel sorry for myself and i hope i dont offend anyone its just my opinion especially at the moment,...i still believe there is 'something' out there - a 'heaven' as i believe in the spirit world its just the God part i dont believe in so much now and if he is there well i dont like him very much at the minute, Then i think maybe thats why he is punishing me but its not like i've always felt like this!

    My mum didnt get the chance to be a gran and she would have been great so i think that this little baby was maybe for her and now i know she will be looking after them for me so i know they wont be alone or scared and thats comforting to me (my gran died a few years before my mum so i would have took comfort in the fact she was with them) so i hope that i dont have to go through this mum is with this little one now and hopefully we will be blessed with a sticky been soon but i will never forget the little angel that i never got to baby who wasnt meant to be!

    Anyway sorry for going on its just my opinion but i think if believing like that gives you some comfort there is nothing wrong with it..

  • Hi NattyNik

    As a child I was very religious, when I grew up I wanted to be a nun but as I've got older I've become disolusioned. When I was 8 my 21 year aunt (who was like a big sister to me) was murdered and my mother never ever got over losing her sister. I've watched mu nanna sucombe (not sure if that's correct spelling) to cancer. Eight years ago my mother was diagnosed with Alzheimers at the age of 50 and within a matter of years I watched the the disease destroy the mother I knew and love. All that's left of my mam is her shell. She is bedbound, cannot speak, cannot feed, was or dress herself. She isn't aware of who any of us are - she is a living zombie and it's terrible to see my mam like this. I've suffered 3 mmc.

    I feel very angry about all this although I know there are people who are worse off than me.

    I don't believe in God as such. My religion is my family. However, I do believe in spirituality. I believe that my nanna, aunt and also my mam are looking after my babies. I believe my mam's spirit has already left us and is taking care of her grandchildren somewhere in the universe.

    When we were trying to get pregnant this third time my OH asked me on the Sunday night if I could see anything in the bedroom beside the wardrobe. I couldn't but he was adamant that he could see what he described as energy in the room. A week later he turned to me and said "you're pregnant". He said he just knew it and believed that the "energy" was some sort of sign, as if something was bringing us our baby. We'd tried to stay positive about this pregnancy but but on the Saturday before our second scan he again asked me if I could see anything in the bedroom. This time I could see this sort of energy in the room. I couldn't get to sleep that night because I kept thinking why has this energy come back. It was here when we think we fell pregnant - has it now came back to take our baby away. Two days later a scan confirmed the baby had no heartbeat.

    I believe that something was in our room that night, whether it was a spiritual being, Angel whatever, to take our baby to be with his/her brothers/sisters.

    Whilst I've taken some comfort in that I still can't understand why I'm seemingly being punished. For all my life all I've ever wanted is to be a mother and I'm sure we'll make great parents. People say it's happened for a reason and one day I might be able to understand that.

    I believe, no matter how old our babies were, they had a soul and and they're now with our loved ones somewhere, whether you believe that to be Heaven or just a better place somewhere else.

    A woman at work has offered to go to a Spiritualist Church with me, she says when she was grieving for her father her helped her enomously.

    I think if you feel church may help then give it a go. If you do believe in God then I'm sure He would love for you to go, whatever your reasons.

    I was once on holiday in Keswick, sitting on top of a hill looking down on the tiny little people below and I got to thinking about God. I sort of imagined myself as being God. I could see the tiny people down below and could see exactly what they were doing but I had no control over it. Maybe that's what it's like for God. He see's everything and may feel pain or sorrow for whats happening below but He actually has no control over it.

    I don't know, maybe I'm just waffling on now.

    Just do what you feel will help, x
  • Hi everyone

    Thank you all so much for sharing your thoughts/feelings/beliefs and experiences with me. I really do appreciate it and it has been really interesting to read through the posts. I appreciate that it can be difficult to talk about such matters, so thank you!

    Over the last few weeks since I first posted I have tried to not worry about my thoughts and feelings and to just go along with how I'm feeling and what I'm thinking. In the last 2 weeks I haven't felt the need to go to church at all. I was never sure about it and it just didn't sit right with me, hence why I posted and felt so confused. I thought that there was just one set thing that I should be believing/thinking and that I couldn't just take the bits I wanted/needed and adapt it to how I'm feeling. But after reading everyone's posts I now realise that it's ok to do that and that there isn't one set of rules. I wondered was it ok to believe in angels if you don't believe in God or Heaven as it is in the bible/Christianity? I wondered if I had to be a fully fledged church member before I was allowed to have certain thoughts/do certain things. There are some things that I still feel confused about and am still thinking about/questioning but I feel much more comfortable.

    I just cannot get my head around there being a God when there is so much pain and suffering and I don't know if I ever will.

    But recently I have felt the presence of my babies in nature - like the sun on my back or the rain on my face. Or like today when we had our appointment - we got home and in our memorial planter we saw three tulips that had blossomed and that we'd never seen open before today. I really felt like this was our 3 babies.

    Perhaps that's just how my belief is and I feel much more ok with that now.

    Thanks again all.

    ~ NN xxx
  • Hi NN,
    What you said about your 3 tulips is so movng. It's those little signs that give me some faith. I was brought up Catholic and feel some level of spirituality, although I never chose to follow the strict Catholic way of life.
    I do think that I get comfort from the idea that there's something bigger than science at work and it can help me cope with life's hurdles.
    As far as my little bean goes though, I still haven't decided what to do in memory because when I do think about it, it's too hard.
  • I have had 3 miscarriages myself and I know your hurt. I honestly know for a fact I could not cope with bringing up a severely disabled child and usually a miscarriage means there was something wrong with the pregnancy and nature is taking its course in not bringing a sick child into this world. In that though I am not saying I have anything against disabled people or anything so no jumping to conclusions I just know what I can cope with and I am no hero I could not care for a very disabled child and I know that I would not cope and maybe God, fate whatever you want to call it knows that too.
  • Reading back over these posts I see alot of people referring to what has happened as a punishment inflicted on them. No one is punishing you, you are all good people I can see that from your lovely posts to me and others on this forum where you all express so much love and support for others. If you think about it if what happened to you had never happened you would not have been here when I needed you so much and when others needed an understanding ear.

    If you honestly want to know my belief, I am a spiritualist and believe in reincarnation. Reincarnation is much more complex than people who have never looked into it know but it makes so much sense to me. The process is very difficult for a soul to go through because our spiritual form is our correct form and we don't really want to go back to the hardships of being human but there is so much to learn as a human you can not learn as a spirit and so we do come back but we have alot of pushing and encouragement from our guardian angels/spirit guides. We eventually give in and decide to come back, we choose everything who our parents will be and close friends our husbands and children. Usually groups of spirits have pacts to come back together to help each other and do so many times (soul mates). When someone miscarries medically they say its because there is a problem with the pregnancy and I am not a blind believer I understand that but part of me truely believes its because the soul changed its mind and decided this was not the right time. Evryone here will get their baby when its the perfect time for that child to experience the things it needs to for fulfillment. These things may be good or bad experiences and you may think well why did my baby choose now when it finally does come into the world if things do start to go to shite but its the perfect time for that human being.

    That is my true belief and though I am just as sad and angry that my baby chose not to come at this time I know he/she will come to me when the time is right and that makes things a little less sad and me a little more accepting of my fate. Knowing also that somehow before I was even born I chose these experiences for a reason helps to. I mean its my own fault I am trying to teach myself something and maybe it is just how precious our children truely are and how blessed we are to have them in our lives for any amount of time.
  • Hey you wonderful ladies. I have to say that this subject is very interesting. I am not a christian, i am a muslim (not the terroist type though image ). When i found out about my miscarriage, i stopped praying (we pray 5 times a day), i thought that i prayed to God in every prayer to keep my baby healthy, and he didnt answer. I nearly lost faith.

    Until i saw my best friend who lost 5 babies, one blighted ovum, one at 22nd week, one at 6th week, and twins at 20 weeeks, she didnt loose her faith, and she believed that God has so much wonderful things in store for us. I was ashamed of myself.

    In my religion, we believe that babies and children who departed earlier are in heaven, and they take their family to heaven too, so they are like saviours to us. We also believe that at the end, we all have the same amount of happiness and sadness, we all get our 100%, but in different parts, some are rich yet sick, others are lonely, others cant find true love but successful at work. I lost my baby, but i have my wonderful husband by my side, and if i was given a choice to whether something bad would happen to me or my husband or any one in my family, i think i wouldnt cahnge a thing, I believe that God always gives us what is best for us.

    Faithis , whatever your religion is, to trust God, and trust in his power and your power, trust that you are not the only one who have been through alot, and that others made it through and you are no less

    Love you all ladies. May God keep you all safe, healthy and happy.
    Renee xx
  • it is terrible what you have been through. people respond to grief in very different ways when it concerns faith. some people find faith others lose it and lots of different responses in between. i have not been to church (except once when i had to with work) since 6 days before i started to miscarry. It's not that I dont believe anymore (as that would make my job much more difficult) but i cant see why, despite knowing that sometimes it is natures way if there is a problem.

    dont worry about not going before. you could even make an appointment to see the priest before you go to talk through things. in my previous parish i had to see the priests once for a job reference and he asked if i had been made welcome in the parish since joining. I said noboody had really spoken to me and that sunday i was given the task of the offertory! so it doesnt matter if you have never been before, if you introduce yourself you'll be making cakes for cake sales in no time.

    i hope you find comfort.
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