🚨 Advance warning 🚨 This forum will be closing on 1st May – please see our pinned thread for more information.
My story
Having found the stories on the site comforting I felt I should share my own.
I found out I fell pregnant purely by chance, my husband and I have planned a 3 week travelling break and had decided after this we would grow up and try and start for a family when we got back. However taken a little unawares I found out I was expecting a week before we were due to travel. We were excited at the news and this as you can imagine was the main topic of conversation as we spent hours together over the three week break. Due a small accident whilst on holiday we went to hospital to check that everything was ok. Luckily it was and we saw an ultrasound at 8 weeks with a fluttering heartbeat.
We returned from holiday full of plans for the future. I was open with a lot of people with regard to the pregnacy early on, my logic being these people would know if the worst happened and unfortunately it did.
I started brown spotting at the beginning of Dec and was booked into the EPU for a scan the following week, all the time being reassured that a 'viable' pregnancy had been recorded and as it was not 'fresh' blood it may be old implantation bleeding.
Whilst out on an evening I found myself bleeding fresh blood, I visited A and E who whilst helpful couldnt scan me, as you can imagine the Fridays in Decemeber around these places are not nice places to be.
When we went to the EPU for the scan I immediately felt there was something wrong, why were they hiding the screen ? When I was told they wanted to perform an internal scan instead further alarm bells were ringing, then the words we did not want to hear, in fact I cant remember the full sentence that the Doctor said, I was watching his face keenly and knew already. Further confirmation came when his sentence began I am afraid ...... this blew us both away. They dealt with us senstively at this point for which I am grateful after reading all the terrible stories that others have gone through. They baby had stopped growing at about 8 weeks, we still think ourselves as lucky for having seen the fluttering heartbeat.
I elected for the ERPOC in two days time. However I don't know if it was a case of mind over body but I started naturally miscarrying on the evening prior to the operation. As I was unable to have any fluids due to the general anesthetic I was in absolute agony soothing my pain with warm baths and unable to find any comfort.
The hospital staff who were there during the procedure werent a patch on the previous staff. For a start they called through a group of us...privacy eh! I was then ushered into a changing room with another girl and given the gloves and the pessary. I could hear her sobbing in the next cubicle whilst I had to do the business. I was then left in a open room whilst people came and went. It was over. When it came to leave I still had my hand needle in whilst the nurse was telling me she would only be getting her lunch today as there wasnt enough cover for her other breaks. It is little things like this that I find hard to deal with and have to bite my tongue. I felt like shouting do you know why I am here ?? If you do, do you think I care about you other bloody breaks.
Anyway I got my period yesterday and again felt this was another hurdle to climb over. I honestly feel like sometimes I dont know how I put one foot in front of the other, for a time all I recited in my head was 'Evacuation of remaining products of conception', it was almost a mantra to tell me that I had lost my baby and that it was now gone.
The baby was the positive end of a hard year which had seen my father struck down with an aggresive cancer and my mum face major orthapedic surgery and now its a million times harder.
I guess what I would like to know from others is how do we simply carry on with the day to day? I was absent from work for two weeks and being my own worst enemy I put a brave face on but this is in fear of starting crying and never stopping. Most people thinking I am coping when in fact if you stopped and asked me at any point of the day what I am thinking about, if I answered honestly, it would be my baby and why I had a miscarriage. Whilst I wouldnt want others to go through this a part of me wishes it was someone else, I guess a part of us that no one likes to admit it but why can others have their baby when I cant have mine ?
Sorry for the long post but I wanted to put my story out there and ease anybodys elses grief for a brief moment as the stories posted so far have done to me.
I found out I fell pregnant purely by chance, my husband and I have planned a 3 week travelling break and had decided after this we would grow up and try and start for a family when we got back. However taken a little unawares I found out I was expecting a week before we were due to travel. We were excited at the news and this as you can imagine was the main topic of conversation as we spent hours together over the three week break. Due a small accident whilst on holiday we went to hospital to check that everything was ok. Luckily it was and we saw an ultrasound at 8 weeks with a fluttering heartbeat.
We returned from holiday full of plans for the future. I was open with a lot of people with regard to the pregnacy early on, my logic being these people would know if the worst happened and unfortunately it did.
I started brown spotting at the beginning of Dec and was booked into the EPU for a scan the following week, all the time being reassured that a 'viable' pregnancy had been recorded and as it was not 'fresh' blood it may be old implantation bleeding.
Whilst out on an evening I found myself bleeding fresh blood, I visited A and E who whilst helpful couldnt scan me, as you can imagine the Fridays in Decemeber around these places are not nice places to be.
When we went to the EPU for the scan I immediately felt there was something wrong, why were they hiding the screen ? When I was told they wanted to perform an internal scan instead further alarm bells were ringing, then the words we did not want to hear, in fact I cant remember the full sentence that the Doctor said, I was watching his face keenly and knew already. Further confirmation came when his sentence began I am afraid ...... this blew us both away. They dealt with us senstively at this point for which I am grateful after reading all the terrible stories that others have gone through. They baby had stopped growing at about 8 weeks, we still think ourselves as lucky for having seen the fluttering heartbeat.
I elected for the ERPOC in two days time. However I don't know if it was a case of mind over body but I started naturally miscarrying on the evening prior to the operation. As I was unable to have any fluids due to the general anesthetic I was in absolute agony soothing my pain with warm baths and unable to find any comfort.
The hospital staff who were there during the procedure werent a patch on the previous staff. For a start they called through a group of us...privacy eh! I was then ushered into a changing room with another girl and given the gloves and the pessary. I could hear her sobbing in the next cubicle whilst I had to do the business. I was then left in a open room whilst people came and went. It was over. When it came to leave I still had my hand needle in whilst the nurse was telling me she would only be getting her lunch today as there wasnt enough cover for her other breaks. It is little things like this that I find hard to deal with and have to bite my tongue. I felt like shouting do you know why I am here ?? If you do, do you think I care about you other bloody breaks.
Anyway I got my period yesterday and again felt this was another hurdle to climb over. I honestly feel like sometimes I dont know how I put one foot in front of the other, for a time all I recited in my head was 'Evacuation of remaining products of conception', it was almost a mantra to tell me that I had lost my baby and that it was now gone.
The baby was the positive end of a hard year which had seen my father struck down with an aggresive cancer and my mum face major orthapedic surgery and now its a million times harder.
I guess what I would like to know from others is how do we simply carry on with the day to day? I was absent from work for two weeks and being my own worst enemy I put a brave face on but this is in fear of starting crying and never stopping. Most people thinking I am coping when in fact if you stopped and asked me at any point of the day what I am thinking about, if I answered honestly, it would be my baby and why I had a miscarriage. Whilst I wouldnt want others to go through this a part of me wishes it was someone else, I guess a part of us that no one likes to admit it but why can others have their baby when I cant have mine ?
Sorry for the long post but I wanted to put my story out there and ease anybodys elses grief for a brief moment as the stories posted so far have done to me.
0
Replies
But I think the major moral to my story would be dont hold it in, not any of it, I bottled mine up and 'soldiered on' and because of that it took me years to come to terms with it, I felt loss, failure but mostly guilt although I had done nothing to tempt the event. You need to share how you feel or it will eat you up, I know only to well nothing I or anyone else says can help but its harder for those closer to you to help if they dont know whats going on in your head.
God bless and good luck with your future x x x
I'm so sorry to hear what you and your OH have gone through.
I have just finished reading your post and was able to empathise the whole way through. My two MCs (one was a MMC in Oct of our twins and the other a natural MC last week) were also very unpleasant and upsetting. It is just so cruel that we are blessed with something lovely and very much wanted, only to have it taken away. It really isn't fair.
I too ask myself Qs of why me?
There is nothing anyone can do or say to make you feel better, but I can say that given time things will become easier. (I say this putting out of my mind my recent loss which has set me back again as I managed to move on a bit from the Oct MC, if only slightly, before this 2nd one came along).
A MC is difficult enough without having other worries and complications in your life. It seems that we have some sort of strange parrallel life Pennylane, as my Dad too was diagnosed with progressed cancer last year.
I have been off work since September when I initially became PG and was very sick. I haven't managed to pull myself together yet with all the upset of MCs and my Dad. As I work with children all day, the fact that I was having panic attacks and unable to leave the house meant that I had to be 100% before returning. I do hope to go back soon, when I'm ready.
If you need more time to grieve, perhaps you should consider taking some more time off work. One way of moving on is to immerse yourself into normality and usual routine (like you have done) but if you need more time, then just take it.
I want to say so much to you but am aware that I've been rambling for ages, sorry.
I really do hope that you both feel at least a little bit brighter soon. My thoughts are with you and your family.
Love Em xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I read your post and could empathise with you. I had a MMC last June....on the 1st Anniversary of my Dad's funeral! Think this made it worse. Although my dad had been ill and had a stroke, it was a blessing he died, but it seemed so cruel that on a difficult day for us, we were given further difficult news, that out baby had stopped growing.
Having the ERPC was the best thing for me, it was done swiftly and sensitively and in a way gave me some control over the situation.
Although no almost 8months on I still feel very upset about what happened. It helps when I read about other people's experiences and thoughts as it makes me feel more normal. At the time of my pregnancy 13 of my friendship group were pregnant and I could not accept any support from them as I could see it in their eyes....thanking God it didn;t happen to them (some of them even said that to me)
I also work in a school, with teenagers with behaviour problems and go on to autopilot in work. However if something upsets me and I find myself crying, I always think about my miscarriage and my dad....so I know I am not over these things, just dealing with them the best I can.
Keep talking....to people on here and if you look back over posts you will see that people write about their inner most thoughts and my true belief is that in getting those thoughts out they won't eat u up from the inside.
Love
Sian XXXX
Em I send you and your family all the best, whatever gets thrown we just keep getting back up and I am sure we will be rewarded. There was no ramblings and it is posts like your own that really help and were the prompts for me to come on and I suppoese let people in, for all that I dont know anybody yet ... now look whos rambling! x x x
Sian so sorry to hear your story and your dad, I cant imagine how that must have felt, it seems that when a day can be lightened or the sadness felt be softened by goodness, that the rug is pulled beneath your feet only to deal you another blow. I understand what you mean about the ERPC, I just felt there was no way I could have the tablet option offered, I didnt want to pass my baby and this way just felt more removed.
There was no one close to me pregnant at the time yet now there are two, I find myself having to say 'I am ok' when really I am not. It seems that everything I see or hear is to do with babies whether its Hollyoaks .. Baby Week at Asda or Nicole Ritchie being pregnant. I at least can manage to talk to my dh and he kind of understands if he comes in from work with a crumpled mess curled up on the sofa hugging the dog!
I think we may ttc soon but I just don't know, I don't want it to be a replacement for the baby lost but we are ready for a family, being together 13 years we cant pretend to be students anymore!
Thanks again for the support and hope to see you in more chats as my confidence builds.
Sending love and hugs
x x x x x
I`m really sorry to hear about your dad . Sending you lots of hugs.
We carry on because we have to. I lost my mum to cancer 11 years ago after 15months of illness so i know all that you are going through. Its so hard and unfair after such a difficult year.
Like you i put on a brave face; i`m very private about being emotional and rarely cry in front of anyone. But everyday like you and most of the day all i can think about is what happened to me regarding my MC. I look happy on the outside but inside i`m being tortured. I`m scared to talk about it much in case people are sick of hearing about it. Thats why this forum is great to chat to people like you who are going through the same thing. They understand and support you.
Its early days for us but it will get better and who knows what good things 2008 will bring for all of us.
Thinking of you.
Liz51 xxx
i wanted to thank you for your post as it really does help to read other peoples experiences and realise you are not alone
I found out I had suffered a mmc on xmas eve and never had the chance to see a heartbeat. In some ways I am glad of that fact as it was almost not real- hope that makes sense. Having had reasurance must have made everything so much harder for you x
I think everybody gets through this hopeless time in different ways- for me it helped to get back to normal life as soon as possible- I was back at work 4 days after the op- although I spent most of the time staring at my computer screen and doing very little. -but that brave face was on ! when the crying came I also felt it would never stop- and some nights it didn't- Im sure this will happen again.
It really helps me to understand about miscarrages, how common they are etc and although i could not read the work "miscarry" without crying but the more i read the less of a failure i felt. I have told myself that it wasnt meant to be and that the babaies organs had not formed so the fact that it stopped growing when it did was the best thing for the baby. sorry if this sound blase- its not meant to but i have needed to focus on something positive.
It was also not the end of everything- the end of the hopes and plans we had for our little one and our family, the end of a dream- but the dream was not reality (yet)- we still had each other, and our dear friends who have helped enormously- focusing on all of these things are getting me through the black days.
I think the other ladies here have given some great advice- talking helps- i keep a book where I write my thoughts and feelings which helps focus the emotion- Im not sure Im ready for this to be read by all
you will get through it- sending you hugs and best wishes x
I know excatly what you mean about getting as much information as possible, I couldnt tell you how many times I have googled ERPC or miscarriage or of course getting pregnant after miscarriage. It took me a bit of time to realise that it was the end of this dream of having a child and not the whole dream of being a mum, at least I am hopeful of that for now. Getting this straight in my head really allowed me to feel better.
I think I was also too preoccupied about what other people were thinking about what I was thinking in case someone mentioned a baby, I didnt want to see the glance out of the corner of their eye as to how I was coping with a discussion about pregnancy or a baby. Now I try not to concern myself with the thoughts of others, some people may have found this supportive but I find it suffocating.
All I can say to anyone who is trawling the pages like I did non stop shortly following my mmc is join in if you feel up to it, it helped me turn a corner and it may help you too. Nothing can take away the saddness but this helped, cant explain why, it just did.
Sending love to all ...come on 2008 give us all something amazing x x x
[Modified by: lawmac on January 17, 2008 11:37 PM]