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so angry and upset
Hello, i'm relatively new on here but i just want to vent my frustrations and upset that i'm feeling.
I had a mmc last Nov at 10 + 4 weeks - found out at my 12 week scan, Was such a shock to me and OH as i'd had a scan at 10 + 2 and there was a heartbeat. We'd just told all our family and friends the good news. I had to have ERPC and my AF came within 32 days.
In Jan we decided we'd TTC. Valentines day - after just 1 month of trying I had a BFP and we were delighted although v anxious too. Eveything seemed to be going along normally although I wasn't feeling terribly sick or tired. I was constantly worrying though that the same would happen again and I just couldn't shake the feeling despite my OH, mum and best friend telling me to be positive and everything would be ok.
This weekend though - when I should have been roughly 9 - 10/40 I noticed the faintest of pink spotting on wiping. I had a massive panic and managed to get a scan yesterday for EPAU where I was told, along with my mum (OH was stuck in work) that there was a sac but no FP which measured 8 + 5. I was quite calm at the time - I think I knew deep down that all along this wasn't meant to be.
I'm booked for medical management tommorow and Saturday - I couldn't face GA again. Annoyingly, the bleeding has settled now though and there's no cramping. It seems my body just doesn't want to give up the babies i've lost!
I'm more p****d off and angry than upset this time plus i'm so frightened now that as it's our 2nd mmc there's something wrong and it'll happen time and time again. I seem to be the woman who's pregnancy fails while all the others round me seem to be fine in their pregnancies. Both times I've been pregnant, i've known at least 3 others who are too.
I just don't know what to do - I want to stand on the top off a hill and scream at the top of my lungs until the pain goes away!
I had a mmc last Nov at 10 + 4 weeks - found out at my 12 week scan, Was such a shock to me and OH as i'd had a scan at 10 + 2 and there was a heartbeat. We'd just told all our family and friends the good news. I had to have ERPC and my AF came within 32 days.
In Jan we decided we'd TTC. Valentines day - after just 1 month of trying I had a BFP and we were delighted although v anxious too. Eveything seemed to be going along normally although I wasn't feeling terribly sick or tired. I was constantly worrying though that the same would happen again and I just couldn't shake the feeling despite my OH, mum and best friend telling me to be positive and everything would be ok.
This weekend though - when I should have been roughly 9 - 10/40 I noticed the faintest of pink spotting on wiping. I had a massive panic and managed to get a scan yesterday for EPAU where I was told, along with my mum (OH was stuck in work) that there was a sac but no FP which measured 8 + 5. I was quite calm at the time - I think I knew deep down that all along this wasn't meant to be.
I'm booked for medical management tommorow and Saturday - I couldn't face GA again. Annoyingly, the bleeding has settled now though and there's no cramping. It seems my body just doesn't want to give up the babies i've lost!
I'm more p****d off and angry than upset this time plus i'm so frightened now that as it's our 2nd mmc there's something wrong and it'll happen time and time again. I seem to be the woman who's pregnancy fails while all the others round me seem to be fine in their pregnancies. Both times I've been pregnant, i've known at least 3 others who are too.
I just don't know what to do - I want to stand on the top off a hill and scream at the top of my lungs until the pain goes away!
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Replies
I only know a little what you are going through as i have just suffered a missed miscarriage at 7+2 (found out at a 9 week scan) the only indication i had was some pink spottign once when i wiped the weekend before i found out but i just knew myself though it didnt prepare me for it as i dont thnk anything can....
I have just gone through medical management and its quite traumatic but i feel it was the best thing for me though please keep in mind that it doesnt work for about 20% of people...i thought i was going to be one of them as i was in hospital all day Friday with 3 lots of pessaries then came home with normal period like bleeding and no pain...my baby then came out on Monday night with no previous signs that it was going too - i was home alone as i had sent hubby to work that day. Just think its worth bearing in mind you might still need the erpc....something which i really didnt want but i hope not and that this is 'successful' (not a good word to use sorry) for you...
This was my first pregnancy so i can only imagine the terrible pain that consecutive m/cs bring especially missed ones but i understand the feeling of how you feel you are the only one to fail as i know alot of pregnant woman who have no problems and through my job i come across many woman who smoke, drink, take drugs etc and still go on to have healthy babies - half dont even realise they are pregnant and to me it just seems so unfair as i really tried to do everything 'right' and I too want to stand and scream..
We got pregnant our first month of trying when many people struggle so i thought it was too good to be true it was just a feeling i had despite trying to be positive,,.had a scan at 6+4 and saw heartbeat which made me feel a bit better but it wasnt much use....
Im scared to ttc again as im worried it will take ages or that it will happen again,..perhaps i will be one of those fertile woman who have no problems conceiving but who struggle to sustain a pregnancy and that scares me so i can imagine how worried you will be that something is wrong but please try not to worry...i completely understand why you are pissed off and angry.....
Im not much use here im just babbling sorry but i didnt want to read and run.....
Thinking of you,
Lx
[Modified by: Lauz41 on March 25, 2009 11:05 AM]
I'm so sorry for you loss too. One, two or more - it's still horrible when it happens.
I feel the same - I just feel that I can easily make a baby but I can't 'grow' it properly. I can't seem to get it right - the first baby wasn't planned but we were still delighted and I immediately changed my way of life and did everything properly - the second time even moreso and it still went wrong. It just makes me feel hopeless!
It's amazing how we knowour own bodies though and despite ppl trying to reassure and advise - we ultimately know what will happen.
I just want to get the next few days over with - I just had to go shopping to buy pads and painkillers like last time and it was just a horrible feeling. There's still no more bleeding so i'm just hoping the procedure will be straightforward.
Thankyou for replying - good luck to you x x x
Im here anyime u want to chat and i hope the medical management works for you - like i said tho it took to the very last minute with me and i was convinced it wouldnt work - and i will never forget how my 'baby' looked its not a nice thing to go through so stay strong as hard as it is seen as you have been here before..
Take Care,
Lx
Sorry to hear about your MMCs. I too have had 2 MMC, the last 5 wks ago. I am sorry I don't have any words of wisdom, but didn't want to not reply. I feel a lot of the things you have said and am worried what the future will hold. I am seeing my GP tomorrow where I think we will be told just to try again and hope for the best that it goes ok.
My thoughts are with you. I hope your procedure is over quickly for you so you can start to concentrate on the emotional you.
Take care,
Lilou x
I am so so so sorry for your losses and i totally understand how you are feeling i think we all feel that way and it is so frustrating not knowing why these things happen to us! I have now had one miscarriage and one MMC and both times i had done everything right so it felt so unfair and like you i wanted to just scream and scream with anger! If you need to vent then we are all here to listen!
Good luck tommorrow i will be thinking of you and sending you a big hug!
Love Rena x
I really hope the GP can offer you some positives tommorow and I wish you luck and baby dust for your future - lets think third time lucky for both of us!!
FairyFaye x
I'm feeling slighly less angry and hateful now and although i'm not accepting of the situation by any means, i think i can cope with what the next couple of days will bring at least and then beable to look towards a brighter future.
Thankyou so so much x x x
I just wanted to add that you shouldn't feel that you can't grow your babies. Your body is doing everything it should as you are carrying them to this point. Your hormones etc seem to be functioning as they should as you don't bleed, sadly there just seems to be something missing that meant your bean coudn't carry on. As my GP put it, 'if we can keep your babies alive you should carry them very well'. I don't know if that helps at all, but hopefully next time we will have beans that will flourish.Lastly, you are by no means alone. I know I haven't been on line as much recently and it can be quite lonely, but ladies on this forum are all very much here for you when you need them (as I am!)
Take care of yourself, ((HUGS))
Lilou xx
Big hugs and lots of love
Lou xx