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feeling very low

i got pg the first month of trying in sept by bding around ov time but we miscarried in oct and felt very proud of myself when i managed to leave here and got into ttc forum again. i have found it really difficult recently. i have been off work sick and obviously had too much time on my hands. i have been reading pregnancy mags and books and been completely baby focused. i have been to docs about my long cycles and lack of peaks and am getting referred to fertility clinic next month if no bfp. but more and more of our friends are announcing their pregnancies. a friend of mine is due 2 weeks after i should have been, my aunt is due the same time i should have been. close friend is due in sept and this weekend we have found out 2 other of our friends are pg and due in oct. i feel terrible as i dont want to be around them as i find it too difficult. i feel totally selfish and gutted it's not me. i cant say anything to anyone as my close friends are pg and wouldnt understand anyway. also my mum is a bit crap too. she doesnt think i should be trying as it just happens (!) and the mc was not important as in her day women didnt know they were pg until 12 weeks and people just know too much now. in the epu after my scan she even said "i never had any trouble getting pregnant" so not the sort of mother you could talk to. my husband doesnt know what to say to help and i dont know what i want him to say. and got an invite today to a christening. to add to there has been a recent abortion on the outskirts of the family too, left until after 12 weeks for bad timing. i feel empty and angry and sad and bitter and guilty for feeling all of the above. i have cried for the past 2 days. i really need to find a new focus as i have another week off work. so what can i do that is not baby / ttc / child related to take my mind of it all? :cry:

Replies

  • Well first happy easter (its really a fertility ritual you know that right). Have you tried painting eggs? You know what I am doing I am organising my house better so when I am pregnant its easier to clean up and there will be plenty of room for baby stuff. Are there any community events or organisations you can join and do things with.

    As for the family member who had an abortion after 12 weeks shame on her that is pretty irrisponsible. I can understand why it brings you sadness it brings me sadness too as I miscarried a baby at 18-19 weeks 7 years ago and it broke my heart. Sending you a big chocolatey easter hug and I understand about you not wanting to be around pregnant women it can really hurt me too. Thank god I have a brother and not a sister.
  • Hi Calleigh,

    I havent spoken to you before but i just wanted to say sorry for how you are feeling and for your loss and that i know a little how you feel (as do we all)

    I also got pregnant 1st month of trying (we didnt even BD more than normal it was just a case of we'l see what happens and then i found out at 9 weeks baby died just over 7 - despite a scan at 6+4 showin us heartbeat and so i opted for medical management) I feel completely alone - my mum sadly died in September, and i dont get on with my mother in law, my sis (who is 18) told me 'just to get over it' (shes more interested in being an 'auntie' to her friends baby due in 6 weeks) i also told my aunt (mums sister) but she hasnt bothered either i just got the whole 'at least u kno u can get pregnant' and 'it doesnt mean it will happen next time' stuff but i think it was more because she felt she had to do say something...this was all four weeks ago and i havent seen her despite her bein off work last week (i've been off for past 4) so she said she will come and see me next week when she is off - i said i will be back at work (was goin back on Monday but ended up at out of hours on Sunday night in a lot of pain and still have it a little) i said im off on Friday and i got a 'oh sorry im going out then see u sometime' text back - nice eh....i suppose i expected a bit more given that we were all fairly close growing up and when my mum was alive and seen as i only lost my mum 6 months ago i thot she would be there for me more and i dont have many close friends to talk to and i hardly see my dad so havent even bothered tellin him and my gran who i was close too as well is also dead.

    As for bein around pregnant people i am gettin upset at the thouught of Coleen McLaughlin bein pregnant as how unfair is that? I dont have anyone in my family or round about us directly pregnant yet which is a good thing and i dont have abortions in the family either BUT i am a health visitor nurse so i have to go and visit new babies so im not looking forward to going back...i have to visit silly little girls who didnt mean to get pregnant and who complain due to the baby not sleeping overnight or because they cant go out as much anymore, or drue users and people who smole and drink but are pregnant and i also have to 'support' those who want abortions which i have always struggled with and i know more so now i will as it all just makes me so annoyed as its so unfair...

    Sadly tho from bein on here it seems that those of us who want a baby so much and those of us who are ready to have one and have waited until the 'right time' to give a baby the best life possible are cruely the ones who suffer so much...

    anyway sorry for goin on i didnt mean to make this about me (i just thot i would share my story and background) i have found this site a great help the past month as unfortunately we all know how everyone feels.

    I hope u get ur bfp soon and if you have to go to the fertility clinic that might be a positive thing and help in the long run but i hope it works out for you...

    Im here if you ever want to talk.

    Lx

  • thank you both. i know i am not alone in these feelings but that doesnt stop the feeling of isolation. my husband just doesnt know how to deal with me and we ending up having a huge row last night as he told me to basically stop being selfish and blaming other people.

    libranaster, i really should have known that as i have a theology masters degree! shame on me. i suppose that it's good then that i should be oving this weekend!

    thank you lauz for sharing and i hope you are getting all the support you need.

    we are going to blackpool today, once he gets ready, so that should be something fun to do.
  • When I went for counselling after my MMC and talked about hating pregnant women and feeling really shitty about being such a nasty bitter person. She told me it was ok, it was normal etc... The difference was though, it was the situation I was bitter about, not these women, and that was ok, it didn't mean I was a bad person, just one in pain.

    A muslim friend also told me that traditionally women who have lost stay in for 40 days, and aren't supposed to see pregnant women, or newborns. She had never understood why, but I thought it was a great idea, it's the only way to avoid having to look at other women's visible fertility.

    Whatever you choose to do, I'd avoid any family friendly places. I'm pregnant again but am not 12 weeks yet and have my original due date coming up. I'm still finding pregnant women hard to face.
  • Secret me I am glad I am not the only one that thinks SOME muslim practices actually make sense. I found out some Arab women wear a piece of Lapus Lazuli (a crystal) under their robes to help with fertility and it may sound crazy but I am a bit of a hippy and am not averted to trying alternative therapies so I thought I would give it a go myself and pin a little lace bag with a piece in inside my clothes. Am kinda like well if they are wearing orange undies on the ttc forum using a crystal is no more crazy lol.
  • oh gosh I can remember all those emotions well. I miscarried 2 yrs ago when 12 of my friends were pregnant...I was the only one it happened to and it happend on the 1 yr anniversary of my dad's funeral...I really couldn't get my head round other ppl finding it so easy to conceive. I ha long cycles, high prolactin and undeactive thyroid, didn't drink, smoke and ate healthily and still it didn't happen!!! I was charting, ov sticks, orange pants, reflexolgy reading all the books under the sun to find out what was going on in my body and to and fro the gp....
    I cut myself off from friends and became totallyobsessed with pregnant ppl - every day I would se someone who was pregnant and kept on thinking why not us??? It did my head in.

    The only advice I can offer is to try to understand what is happening with your body and the cycles. I would ov late in the cycle so I bought a book on traditional chinese medicine and tried different things - cutting out aspartame made a huge difference to my cycle length, from 38 day to 28!!! Keep the faith that it will happen and take quality time to BD.

    For us it happened between christmas and new year...I was relaxed and had given in to the fact that come my 35th b'day in Jan I was going to ask to be referred for IVF....I had a BFP 3 days before my birthday...so please don't give up hope...I spent 18 months wondering why it wasn't happening for us.

    Goodluck xxxx
  • that's really interesting you mentioned aspartame. i have stopped drinking tea and cofee and wanted a hot drink so switched to sugar free vimto, until a ttcing friend told me about the aspartame in it and it seems to be in every sugar free drink. i havent checked on other labels but will look in to it. my cbfm is still giving me lows but yesterday i got ov symptoms and did a cdov test and got a smiley face. cbfm gave me another low today so not sure what to believe.

    i am avoiding pregnant people at the moment as much as i can because it's stressing me out so much. with our friends as they are pg they arnt about so much anyway, so it doesnt look rude of me i hope.
  • Hey Calleigh,
    Hope you are feeling a bit better and please don't worry about how you are feeling it is totally normal, i think we all feel like that and it isn't cause we hate pregnant ladies but rather that we are so sad about what has happened and it doesn't help being reminded of what and where we should be!
    I will never forget walking out of the hospital, after my erpc, right past a heavily pregnant lady who was puffing on a fag under the sign that said No Smoking (now please don't get me wrong i don't believe in telling people how to live their lives but i felt so angry that i had given up every thing bad and lost my baby and she was busy puffing away and was fine it all felt so unfair not that i wanted anything bad to happen to her or her baby but just that i was so cross and sad that i had lost my baby ).
    Sorry didn't mean to rant just wanted to let you know that you are not alone!
    Love Rena x x
  • I get like that too Rena when I see pregnant women smoking or worse drinking it makes me want to go up to them and say something (but I don't). I give up pretty much EVERYTHING when I get pregnant, caffiene, alcohol, a life lol and I loose my babies but these women who smoke or drink or take drugs seem to never go through that grrrr. I think it doesn't just feel unfair it is unfair.
  • Oh hun, i know exactly what you mean. I am in Germany with my OH, and i cant work until i get a good grip over the language, so my life is practically empty, no friends, family or even a job.
    I found that my whole life became focused on getting pregnant to the extent that i was exhausted.
    So just enjoy the weather these days, go out, take care of yourself, concentrate on you for a change. We are all here for you.

    Libranaster and secret me :lol: i have no idea where you got you informations, i think these were not MUSLIM practices, but perhaps some traditional arabic acts, thats because i am a muslim and i never heard of it before image

    Love you all
    Renee
  • im feeling very low at the mo, i miscarried in october, and am now coming up to my due date, am off (as half term) with the kids and hubby, and it feels so wrong as i wanted as both to be on paternity/maternity leave, i found it so hard shopping today. wanted to buy something baby

    i hate feeling like this
  • emmyem how are you doing today? are you a teacher and off on half term? i am and actually looking forward to going back into school for the first time ever just to stop thinking constantly about not being pg. my original due date is still 10 weeks away and i really hoped to be safely pg (ie 12 weeks +) by that date.
  • Hi Calleigh,
    Sorry to hear you are having a rough time. I too have an issue with people that are pregnant or with new babies. i just wish it was me! I guess it is just part of grieving. My experience is that unless you have had a MC people just don't seem to be able to truley understand all the different array of emotions that we feel. You need to give yourself space from these reminders that cause you pain and hopefully friends and family will repect that and try to look at it from your perspective.
    As for finding other distractions, I have tried to focus on my fitness and go out walking everyday (as it's cheap!). I would like to lose some weight too as have gained weight with both my pregnancies/MCs. We also have planned a few days away and day trips for the week off to stay busy. Oh and pottering in the garden, digging up borders, cutting grass and planting new plants.
    Hope the sun stays out!
    Lilou x
  • i know what you mean lilou. i planted my hanging baskets this week, although i will have to bring them in if the weather takes a turn for the worse as it's a bit early yet. i have also started putting in more effort at the gym, well, except for the treadmill. i was walking fast in it for the last 2 days as i dont want to fall off just in case i am pg this time. how silly is that! ok, it's just me justifying to myself why i am not running when the truth is i am no good at it and dont want to look a right state. well, a bit of both.
  • hi calleigh.

    im a aen teaching assistant, in a secondary school.
    im am looking forward to going back but in the back of my mind im thinking, i should be ready to drop by now,

    it doesnt help that one of my students is pregnant (at 15) and i was the one she chose to tell first.

  • Well done for making it to the gym! I gave it up with my first pregnancy as I had such bad morning sickness. Cancelled the membership so am trying other things now and keeping fingers crossed that i get pregnant soon too and have an excuse to not push so hard! lol
    Hope you get your BFP soon!
    Lilou xx
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