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sad news

hello girlies

Yesterday my sister in law lost her baby. she was 5 and a bit months pregnant. Her and my brother are completely devastated by it, understandably, as is the whole family. It was very very sudden and unexpected. There hasn't been any explanation yet but they are doing tests. She has been in hospital since the early ours of monday morning and they will start to induce labour today, but have told her it could be wednesday before anything happens.

I cannot believe my poor darling brother and sil are going to have to go through labour and birth, even holding their baby if they wish to, name it, spend a few hours with it... and not be able to take it home. They spent last week decorating their nursery, they bought their pushchair on saturday. I just can't believe something so sh*t can happen to two wonderful people.

To add salt to the wound their private room is on the maternity ward where they continually here the cries of newborns, something they won't hear when they go through the birth.

I went to see them yesterday and had not a word to say to them - what can you say? I just hugged them and cried with them.

I would like to get them a gift/card, something comforting. I was thinking of getting a lovely bunch of lillies or some other flowers, and getting a card and putting a nice poem or verse in it? Thing is, people get flowers and cards when they bring home their bundle of joy.... is it appropriate to get them gifts for their loss?

I don't know how to approach things once they get back home, i'm not looking forward to taking evie to see them incase it upsets them. I also worry my brother resents me because i've always gotten things quite easily, my hubby, my home, my beautiful daughter. And even before this miscarriage he's had a pretty rough ride. On one hand i don't feel i should act any differently around them but i don't want to be insensitive.

Does anybdoy know of any gift which would be appropriate? or any relevant verses or poems for a card? There is a song by my favourite singer alison krauss called "i give you to his heart" which is about this situation, it's very comforting but quite religious which they aren't - but i think it would be comforting. I was thinking of writing those lyrics in the card and making a CD with the song on.

i'm really sorry this post is so long and a little pointless. I just feel very empty and upset and feel i ought to be stronger for them. I need a big hug from you guys!! It just puts things into perspective also, as when i heard the news evie was clambering behind the television to play with the wires whilst chomping on a crayon..... and i'd have usually have been stern with her - but it made me see differently. I cried and she came straight over and kissed me.

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Replies

  • I am sorry to hear what your poor brother and sis inlaw have to go through. I have suffered a miscarriage at 18-19 weeks and it was extreamly hard to deal with seeing my tiny baby and feeling like I failed him.

    Saying that it has not made my recent miscarriage at only 8 weeks any easier in fact this is my thrid one and I have to say it was just more frustrating than ever. I have found in my experience people have avoided me because they don't know what to do or say. Its very upsetting to be left so lonely and also I find I want to talk about it and how I feel and mostly it feels like people get sick of hearing about it. After loosing my baby I liked getting things that made me feel like a mother as I was just because my baby didn't live didn't make it any different so she may feel that way and welcome a card and some flowers. I am sure there is an appropriate sympathy card you could get her and maybe even ask a florist what flowers would be appropriate for this situation as its their job to know what flowers are for what occasions. Honestly you don't have to go to the trouble of getting flowers just taking time out to spend with your brother and sister inlaw and lending a listening ear if they want to talk and being a tireless listener will be the best gift they can get. Also maybe making them a nice mean they can eat together and not have to cook would be nice for them. I have found spending alot of time with my partner doing little romantic things has helped me through. It helps me to realise what I do have and how greatful I am for it. They wont hate you if you admit you don't know what to say they know nothing can make it better. If you are mourning with them they will probably feel happy someone is as sad as them, it will make them feel normal.

    That is the best advice I can give you and I hope it helps you to support them. Knowing the emotions this couple are going to be experiencing I send my symapthy to them. I still have my little one's blanket and his hand and foot prints and he will never be forgotten.
  • thank you very much hun for your reply, i'm sorry for your losses too. It's really good to hear it from the veiw point of somebody who has been there and been through it personally. i will be there for them and listen and offer a shoulder to cry on.

    thanks again XX
  • Hi Linzi

    I am so sorry to hear what your brother and SIL are going through - they are in my thoughts at this awful time.

    I think it is wonderful that you just cried with them and hugged them when you went to see them. That will have meant so much to them. So often people make really stupid and insensitive comments which just end up causing more hurt. I know people often just don't know what to say and I understand it must be very difficult for family and friends too.

    I think a card and gift is a lovely idea and would really help them to know how much you care and are thinking of them. I've heard some women who have been through the same thing say that flowers were difficult to recieve because, like you said, they should have been getting flowers of congratulations. But every woman is different and some find it a comfort. How about a plant (perhaps a rememberance rose) that they could plant in their garden in memory of their baby once they get home from hospital? That way it's different from a bunch of flowers and will always be there.

    There is also this website with wonderful jewelry for women who have suffered a mc or stillbirth.

    http://www.labelledame.com/miscarriage-infant-loss.html

    It also has cards on:

    http://www.labelledame.com/miscarriage-sympathy-cards.html

    Another beautiful idea if they do decide to name their baby is to have a photo of their name written in the sand done here:

    http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/

    I think you are right to be cautious about taking Evie round to see them - seeing pregnant women, babies or children can be VERY difficult for couples who have suffered a loss. I am sure that in time it will become easier for them, but right now it will probably be very difficult for them.

    And if your brother does feel any resentment I would say that it's a perfectly normal reaction when you're grieving but that it'll pass and certainly isn't anything personal.

    But don't be afraid to talk to them about their baby. Many relatives are worried about making the mum and dad cry or get upset if they talk about their loss but the truth is that they are already hugely upset and crying and talking about things will help. Of course there may also be times when they don't want to talk about it - just be sensitive and play it by ear.

    Sometimes couples need some time alone together after a loss but still want to know that you're thinking of them. Sending a text or card is a great way to let them know you care without being too intrusive into their grief. Even weeks after their loss they'll still need to know that you're thinking about them and haven't forgotten what's happened.

    But it sounds like you are very thoughtful and caring and I am sure you'll be a wonderful support to them :\)

    ((((((((hugs))))))))

    Love NN xxx
  • Hi LinziMc

    I was very sorry to read your post.

    When I lost my babies my sisters bought me a beautiful heart shaped charm with footprints on one side and the words "Mother of Angels" on the reverse. I loved the fact that they were acknowledging that I was a mother and I wear the charm on a silver charm bracelet every day, I never take it off.

    My OH has bought me a ring also which I never take off - something which I can keep forever.
  • Hi,

    I have no words of advice about gifts, if they knew how much you were thinking abut them right now I know they would feel so loved.

    I just wanted to say, I am really sorry to hear this and wish I had a magic wand to make all the pain and suffering go away for people, sadly I do not have one, but I am always thinking of others going through this and my thoughts are with them and their families at this time.

    You sounds like a lovely caring person to have around. xxx
  • Hi

    I lost my baby boy Simon at 26 weeks back in Nov and I found receiving cards and flowers off family and friends really comforting. No-one can take the pain away but to have people there who will listen or just be there when you cry is enough. My sister bought me a star and named it after my little boy which was such a beautiful gesture. I think the best thing people done for me was to acknowledge me as a mummy and acknowlege my sons existence. This poem gave me some comfort, I'm not really religious either but felt that the whole heaven thing gave me a bit of comfort, knowing he was somewhere else being looked after.

    "Can you be a mother when your baby is not with you?"
    I thought of you and closed my eyes
    And prayed to God today
    I asked "What makes a Mother?"
    And I know I heard Him say,

    "A Mother has a baby"
    This we know is true
    "But God can you be a Mother,
    when your baby's not with you?"

    "Yes, you can," He replied
    With confidence in His voice
    "I give many women babies,
    When they leave is not their choice.

    Some I send for a lifetime,
    And others for the day
    And some I send to feel your womb,
    But there's no need to stay."

    "I just don't understand this God
    I want my baby to be here."
    He took a deep breath and cleared His throat,
    And then I saw a tear.

    "I wish I could show you,
    What your child is doing today.
    If you could see your child's smile,
    With all the other children and say..."

    We go to earth to learn our lessons,
    Of love and life and fear,
    My mummy loved me oh so much,
    I got to come straight here.

    I feel so lucky to have a mum,
    Who had so much love for me
    I learned my lessons very quickly
    My mummy set me free.

    I miss my mummy oh so much
    But I visit her every day.
    When she goes to sleep,
    On her pillow's where I lay

    I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
    And whisper in her ear
    "Mummy don't be sad today,
    I'm your baby and I'm here."

    "So you see my dear sweet ones,
    Your children are ok.
    Your babies are born here in My home
    And this is where they'll stay."

    "They'll wait for you with Me,
    Until your lessons through.
    And on the day that you come home
    They'll be at the gates for you."

    So now you know what makes a Mother,
    It's the feeling in your heart,
    It's the love you had so much of
    Right from the very start.

    Though some on earth may not realize
    You are a Mother until their time is done.
    They'll be up here with Me one day
    and that that you are the best one.

    I wouldn't take Evie around just at the moment as from my experience it would be too heartbreaking for them.

    Sending you hugs

    Maria

    xxx
  • Hi LinziMC

    My cousin in law and his wife had a baby girl on Feb 15th but sadly she died within 48 hours. I was like you and just didn't know what to do but DH and I bought them this rose from http://www.jonestherose.co.uk/index.php?option_one=hybrid_tea&product_id=423&charity=charity - they are international rose specialists and design roses for people and some of thier roses donate money to some great charities. The one we bought will grow into a lovely salmon pink colour and donates money to SANDS (stillbirth and neonatal death society) which we felt was very appropriate. We thought it was entirely up to them what they did with it but I know loads of people sent them flowers so thought that buying a potted rose was just a bit different. My thoughts go out to you and your family as I know this must be extremely difficult for you all, take care xxx
  • Hunny, i am so sorry to read your message, it made me cry, I am so very sorry to hear of your bro and sil loss. No words can make it better for them, but just being the for them will help. I think the idea of the necklace with the mother of angels is a wonderful idea. I really hope they are ok, it will take a long time. Passing on hugs and love xx
  • I'd ask them about taking your LO to see them, it may be nice for them when they're ready. I lost mine at 3 months, pregnant women and new borns were too hard but older ones didn't hurt me too much, it was nice to be around little people who knew I'd `been poorly' but didn't feel awkward or try really hard to be sensitive and understand... they just want you to play, it was refreshing.

    Everyone's different and you'll have to see what they want. I'd tell them about this site and/or tell them lots of people here are thinking of them and their loss.
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