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mc last night.

Hi all, just writing this down to try and make sense of it and come to terms with what happend.

I started to spot on Bank holiday Monday. Had lower backache, but suffer backache anyway since a riding accident in my teens so put it down to that. The bleeding continued and varied from brownish spotting, to blood streaked cm, to bright red spotting. I was seeing my mw this Monday (12th) for booking appt, so was going to mention it to her. But she cancelled so I phoned and left a msg about my concerns. She called back the next day, and after I described the bleeding she arranged a scan for me at the gynae day unit for the Wed. (yesterday). I went along with just my 17mth old daughter for company. I was looking at the monitor while being scanned, and there was just an empty space. The sonogropher told me to go to the loo and she would do a vaginal scan as its more detailed. Still an empty space. She asked if I was sure of my dates. I am certain. She said she was very sorry, but all that was there was a pregnancy sac, but no sign of any development, and at this stage she would expect to see something.

I had to wait to see a doctor, who explained I had 3 options - wait to 'let nature take its course', opt for drugs to bring on mc properly, or d&c.

I opted for nature. She made an appt for me to go back to be scanned in 2 weeks to see how things were going. Last night I went to bed early as was feeling tired, sick, low and very weepy. About an hour later my backache was unbareable so I got up for some paracetamol and to fill my hot water bottle. As I stood up I just 'felt' it start, so rushed to the loo. Sat there for about half an hour whilst everything came away. I saw the sac, and there was lots of blood and 'flesh'.

Went back to bed with my hot water bottle, and after taking paracetamol. The backache was still pretty bad, and I also had quite bad af type cramps. I didnt get any sleep, as was aware of what I had just been through and that it really was all over. Also had to keep getting up to change pads as was bleeding quite heavily.

This morning, the cramps had gone, just had mild backache. The bleeding is also no worse than a light af now.

Im just a wreck tho. I keep crying, I feel so sad that what represented my baby just got flushed down the toilet. I am also confused. Because the sac was empty, does this mean that I am grieving for a baby that never was? I feel like a fraud, like I wasnt really pregnant at all, and that I have no right to grieve for an empty sac when some ladies lose real babies, sometimes quite late on too. What Im going thru cant possibly compare to their loss. But at the same time, It was a baby to me. I thought I would be holding a beautiful newborn in my arms in a few months time. Now I wont be and I feel cheated, empty and heartbroken.

Sorry this is so long winded, but I just needed to get it all out. x

Replies

  • Hi hun, Im sorry sorry for your loss. I had a mmc at 11weeks and I still get pangs of guilt that I just "left my baby at the hospital" even though I know my lo had left long before the op. Of course it was a real baby, it was your baby and now its your little angel, it was just too tiny to see. Its been 5 weeks tomorrow for me and I promise that it does get easier the pain gets easier to cope with but you need to grieve hun, you have a right to no matter how many weeks you were or how tiny your angel was. xxx
  • You are definately not a fraud and your emotions are totally normal. The baby hadn't developed correctly but it was still a baby and a baby that you loved deeply. With regards to the sac going down the toilet - i had the same feelings as you. I miscarried at 12 weeks, (baby died at 8 1/2 weeks) and it also went down the toilet. I felt guilt ridden that it was not a very dignified resting place for my baby. I phoned my mum about this in tears. My mum said although you loved the baby, what went in the toilet was just a collection of cells and it happening like that is not a reflection of your feelings towards the baby. I am so sorry for you and wish you luck for next time. I found a good website yesterday (but don't read too much on the net because you can send yourself mad like me): http://www.pregnancyloss.info/waitingforaf.htm
  • i'm really sorry for all your losses and hope the pain gets less with time. Take care
  • Thank you all for your kind replies. Im still very angry and shocked that this has happened, but I think I am starting to move on a bit now. I still get weepy, especially when Im lying in bed waiting for sleep to find me. Thats when I feel the emptiness the most. Im not sure wether or not I will try again. I seem to be swinging between desperately wanting to be pg again, and then not wanting it as I cant face the heartbreak of this happening again.

    Anyway, thank you for your kind words. I feel a bit easier with mourning my angel now. I hope you are all as well as possible. Take care xx
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