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What do you say to/do for a good friend who miscarried??

A very good friend of mine miscarried a few days ago. I have only talked to her once sence it happened because she is very emotional right now I thought it best to leave her alone and have some time.
I feel kinda at a loss of what to do/say. I feel so bad for her because she was very happy. She was about 2.5 months along. I really dont want to say the wrong thing and make her more upset.
Any ideas?????


  • I m/c just over a month ago and i wanted to just cry alone... even now although i feel a bit better i still dont want to talk about it to anyone except the women on here.. alot of the ladies i have spoken too feel the same...

    My best friend dragged me over to her place made me bring pj's and she got some wine, crap food and funny films which totally took my mind off things and it cheered me up even just for an evening.. but i agree with maria & clarie all the typical comments like 'it wasnt meant to be' and 'its common' really wasnt appriciated although we know people mean it in a nice way it doesnt help.

    I think its a good idea you mention this site to her, its definately brought some peace to me talking to other women all in the same boat.. if you feel awkward saying it to her, maybe just write the website down on a piece of paper.

  • I definately didn't want any sympathy or to really talk about it - just needed to be on my own. Spoke to my hubby and best mate who has also miscarried before which helped.

    Completely agree with not saying things like 'at least you know you can get pregnant' and ' you can try again etc'

    recently had that from a friend who is 4 months pregnant completely by accident and thought she didn't want kids.... she just came across as very smug.

    just needs time and do some nice things to take her mind off it but not over the top - just get back to normal life, cinema, shopping etc.

    good luck, you're a lovely friend xx
  • im with these girls if i hear comments like it wasnt ment to be or its one of those things or you have 2 great children or it happens alot i may commit murder to me all that matters at the moment is ive lost my baby it wouldnt matter if i had 2 children or a hundred or none the baked bean was wanted and loved already. just be there for when she needs you my best mate has been gr8 shes been her normal self with me but i know she will b there if i need a good cry xxxx
  • Hi all
    I (very fortunately) haven't suffered from what you have all been through but back in Oct my best friend did. At the time I was around 20 weeks pg so I really thought I would be the last person she would want to see.
    I went out and bought a load of things for her, new pj's, magazines, loads of chocs and toffees, hot water bottle, couple of dvd's, a bottle of wine, all that sort of stuff and I just wrote her a card saying 'thinking of you,if you want me you know where I am' type thing. I then boxed it all up and left it on her door step. Just before I drove away I sent her a text... can't remember what it said exactly but something really silly like ' Fairies have told me to check your doorstep or something equally ridiculous. She called straight away in floods of tears telling me to turn round. It really opened up lines of communication for us and we spent many hours with both of us just crying down the phone. She said the best thing was I didn't ask her any questions just let her talk about whatever, whenever she wanted. (god, I'm welling up now) The other thing I tried really hard not to do is have an opinion on anything. When it came to having a d&c, going back on the pill to kick start her periods, anything. I just was her sounding board for anything and everything. Her comments to me just the other day was 'so many people refused to talk to me and when they did they just kept saying "I'm so sorry" and "It will happen for you" I know they just didn't know what to say, but it made me feel so lonely.' The other problem she now has is everyone knows they are trying and she feels like the pressure is on. At every family gathering over christmas she could feel the eyes on her waiting to see if there was an announcement. So I'd avoid the whole 'trying again' conversation unless she brings it up. I hope some of this helps.

    I really wish your friend well. xxx
  • Its really nice that your trying to find the right way to console your friend.

    I think her knowing that your there is probably enough and when she is ready to talk then she will know where you are. One to avoid is "your young you can try again", I had this alot when I miscarried in the summer last year and it didnt help at all!

    Hope she feels better soon xx
  • Hi,

    like the others have said there isnt really anything you can say. I lost my baby through an ectopic back in october last year & all i can say is nothing anyone said helped as such but those who said nothing helped even less.

    Out of 9 inlaws incl. MIL & FIL only 2 ever said anything about it not even my MIL asked was i ok or even asked OH was. I'm done with them now. There are only 2 or 3 i have any real time for & the rest TBH if i were not connected to them through marriage are not the type of people i would ever be friends with they are far too much up their own arse & self absorbed.

    Once you acknowledge it has happened & that she must be going through a really tough time that you are they if she needs to talk & text her every now & then to check in on her then in my opinion thats enough, but i wouldnt ignore it or avoid her, when people did that to me it made me feel so bad like they confirmed they didnt care a damn.

    I hope your friend gets through this tough time ok & with a mate likeyou who obviously cares a lot for her I'm sure she will ;\)

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