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Newbie...Missed Miscarriage!

Hi everyone,

I hope you dont mind me joining you on here (its so sad to see how many other ladies have to go through such horrific times but i think it looks like a nice and supportive place to be besides that and i could do with some of that as i feel so alone just now)

I should have been 10 weeks yesterday (got pregnant our first month trying it was such a shock but too good to be true) i had a scan at 6+4 and saw little Poppets heartbeat which was such a relief then i didnt have much morning sickness but i felt different and that something wasnt quite right (this was a fortnight ago and only indication i had that something was wrong was a little bit of pink spotting which didnt come to anything) but i just knew....i had a scan at 8+6 (Friday 13th of all days!) and found out our little one died 5 days after that last scan at 7+2 so i had had a missed miscarriage.

We are devestated and i wanted to do things naturally but after 2 & half weeks my body showed no sign of letting go so i decided to try medical management as it was importnat for me to 'pass' my baby like you should and seeing it i thought would make it more real (i also didnt want a d&c as its an anaesthetic and there is a risk of infection and womb damage after reading about people getting Ashermans from this im mega paranoid that i will miscarry again though naturally next time however i will be even more petrified of m/c next time around anyway!)

Anyway i decided to then try medical management - had 1st tablet on Wednesday with no effect what so ever and then went into hospital on Friday and the first lot of pessaries did nothing she said my cervix was still tightly closed when she inserted 2nd lot...within about 20mins i started 2 cramp and bleed - there was alot of blood and i passed quite a few large clots and i had alot of pain so i thought that was things starting but no...had 3rd lot and was still unsuccesful so i was sent home to wait and see.....i am bleeding still but not any heavier than a period and i havent passed any more clots and i havent had anymore pain i am soo soo annoyed with my body right now was it cant even do this right now!!! :x I now have to go in on Tuesday for a scan and that will confirm what i already know....that i will need a d&c.

I am takin a little comfort in the fact my baby doesnt want to leave me and that it must be nestled pretty snuggly into my womb and that my cervix also appears to be staying closed quite well and doing as it should so maybe physically theres no reason why i couldnt have carried my baby to term but something else went wrong however i am now scared that after the d&c my womb and cervix wont be as strong to cope. Also after everything my body will have gone through i dont know when it will be able to cope with being pregnant again and i would like to try as soon as possible....not to replace this baby as i never can and i will never forget but because we both want to be parents so much.

I lost my mum 6 months ago which makes everything even more raw and i just feel so numb, empty and alone but also angry and bitter and resentful which i know isnt going to do me any good but i cant help thinking why me and i get jealous when i see scan pics or baby bumps of young girls (my sis's friends who dont want to be pregnant or didnt mean to be) and it frustrates me that they manage so easily and yet i have to go through all of this. I know many woman go through worse than me with loses later on in pregnancy or time and time again (how you cope with that i dont know) but i just had to get out how im feeling....i just wanted this baby so much! I tried to do things properly - i took folic acid every day, cut our caffine, made sure to eat a breakfast and healthy snacks and lots of fruit and veg and drink water even though i hate it and hardly touch the stuff normally....i was also really careful with everything i ate and looked at the risks that could be involved to the baby in everything and its soo soo unfair! :cry:

Anyway im sorry for going on so much....ta for letting me rant and babble away!!

Lauz x

P.s I am 24, hubby 30 and this was 1st pregnany for both of us....

Replies

  • I think im right in thinking you are who I think you are. I will say no more as you will know me if you are who I think you are.

    Anyway, im glad you have decided to come on here. The ladies on here are incredibly supportive and some of them will know exactly how you feel and will try and support you without telling you 'everything is going to be ok' as they understand that it wont be at the moment and you need time.

    I have spent a long time on here, and if u are who I think you are u will know my story. The ladies on here were a MASSIVE help, and I hope they think similar of me. Although I dont really belong here anymore, I still come back regularly to keep up with some of the ladies I was here with.

    You can ramble, swear, cry, whinge, moan etc as much as you like here and NOONE will tell you to 'get over it' as some of us sometimes feel in our 'real' lives.

    Also, many women here will have been through what you are going through and will be able to give you informative advice and support. There are also ladies in the profession who are very knowledgeable.

    Anyway, ive gone on! Just wanted to let you know that you will have lots of support here and please dont feel like you have to get on with life. You need time to grieve for what you have lost and so does hubby. You need to spend time together and talk about what has happened (when you feel ready) and most of all, you need to look after yourselves and each other.

    Good Luck hunny and I hope you get the support you well need on here xxxxxxx
  • Hi Lauz

    I am so sorry for your loss and also that you lost your mum so recently too. You have been through so much.

    You are right that this is a wonderfully supportive place and all the ladies are so kind and understanding. I've found it really helps to talk to others who have been there.

    It is so unfair - like you we did everything right and yet we still lost 3 babies in 6 months. Sometimes it makes me really angry and frustrated.

    I'm sorry that you may well have to have the d&c. I have chosen to let all my mc's happen naturally for the same reasons you mentioned. But lots of ladies on here have had d&c's without any problems at all and I really hope everything goes smoothly for you too.

    Take care of yourself and remember we're always here to listen.

    Thinking of you.

    ~ NN xx
  • Thank u Natty - i am sorry to hear of your 3 losses in 6 months i dont know how you have coped with that and i hope your time comes soon!!!

    I just wish medical management had been succesful but i had a feeling it wouldnt be as nothing ever is for me - i am now majorly worried about everything my body has gone through and will have to wait til June to ttc again now - cruel in a sense as thats when we had originally planned to start but decided just to go for it at new year! We got pregnanyt 1st month of trying couldnt believe our luck - now i bet it will take months and months!!

    This does seem like a lovely place to be (lovely not the best way to describe in given the sad nature of why we are all here but you know what i mean - i wouldnt wish this on anyone but its comforting to know that you are not alone and that there are others who understand) i have been told by my sister just to 'get over it' so i feel rather alone!

    I really hope things work out well for you soon!

    Gemmiebaby yes i am who you think i am - i thought you would recognise my story if you came across this post! I am so pissed off, annoyed, empty and numb at the minute and i suppose i needed to talk to people who 'understand' asi feel so alone right now and as i said i have been told to just 'get over it' as well as all the usual cliches like 'least i know i can get pregnant' and 'it must have been for the best' and 'no reason why it will happen next time' etc which really doesnt help. Has medical management worked i would be ttc almost straight away but my body will have been through so much in the past few months i think it will need a bit of time to recover but i just want to be pregnant so much and i miss my little bean so much also - they should have been joining us middle of October so that will be a hard month! I wish we had just waited til June to try like we 1st planned and then i wouldnt be here now! Anyway thanks and i hope things keep progressing well for you and that everything goes alright!

    Lx

    [Modified by: Lauz41 on March 23, 2009 03:04 PM]

  • don't be angry with your body. It just wants to be pregnant too and is trying to protect your bean.

    I had a surgical evacuation under general anasthaetic. Cried as they put me under and was crying when I woke up. However I did feel a bit better able to begin to deal with it once it was over. We kept our scan picture as a momento and was medically fine within a couple of days. Had period 5 weeks to the day later and then ttc. Took a few months but we're there now, had early scan today at 8 weeks and seen the heartbeat to reassure us til 12 weeks.

    Hope you find a way you can cope. If someone tells you to get over it, they haven't been there. Seeing pregant women is the worst. In the muslim culture women who've lost a baby stay in for 40 days ( or some such number), the friend who told me never knew why but I said it might protect them from seeing bumps everywhere. Advice: avoid family friendly museums, they're full of them. I went to counsellor too.
  • Hi Lauz41

    So sorry to hear of your tragic loss. I had a third missed miscarriage confirmed a fortnight ago and was admitted into hospital on Friday 13th for medical management.

    I too feel really pissed off. We've been trying for our much wanted baby for three years now - I've taken that much folic acid I should rattle! Ate healthy, I can count on one hand how many times in the last three years I've had an alcoholic drink etc etc and still I'm waiting for my little bundle of joy to arrive.

    It's so hard seeing pregnant ladies and mothers with children. On all three occassions my sister-in-laws have been pregnant which has been really hard to cope with. I just so want to be a mother. I'm 34 and can honestly say that for as long as I can remember that's all I've ever wanted, I didn't meet my partner until I was 29 and we started trying for a family after two years.

    It's really, really difficult but I'm telling myself that I have to stay focused and stay positive and start trying again as soon as possible. I'll never forget my little ones and I've got my scan pictures framed and on display in my living room but after my first mmc I was really depressed for almost two years which I believe was the reason it took us two years to conceive again.

    My mother was diagnosed with Alzheimers 8 years ago at the age of 50 and all that is left of the strong, loving mother I knew and loved is just basically her shell. I'd love for her to be able to hold me in her arms again and tell me that everything was going to be okay.

    I've found talking with my partner has really helped. I'm trying not to bottle up my emotions - if you need to cry or have a bitch then just let it all out.

    Life can be shit sometimes but I hope you can find some comfort from sharing with the other girls. Best of luck for the very near future, x
  • Hi Lauz41

    So sorry to hear of your tragic loss. I had a third missed miscarriage confirmed a fortnight ago and was admitted into hospital on Friday 13th for medical management.

    I too feel really pissed off. We've been trying for our much wanted baby for three years now - I've taken that much folic acid I should rattle! Ate healthy, I can count on one hand how many times in the last three years I've had an alcoholic drink etc etc and still I'm waiting for my little bundle of joy to arrive.

    It's so hard seeing pregnant ladies and mothers with children. On all three occassions my sister-in-laws have been pregnant which has been really hard to cope with. I just so want to be a mother. I'm 34 and can honestly say that for as long as I can remember that's all I've ever wanted, I didn't meet my partner until I was 29 and we started trying for a family after two years.

    It's really, really difficult but I'm telling myself that I have to stay focused and stay positive and start trying again as soon as possible. I'll never forget my little ones and I've got my scan pictures framed and on display in my living room but after my first mmc I was really depressed for almost two years which I believe was the reason it took us two years to conceive again.

    My mother was diagnosed with Alzheimers 8 years ago at the age of 50 and all that is left of the strong, loving mother I knew and loved is just basically her shell. I'd love for her to be able to hold me in her arms again and tell me that everything was going to be okay.

    I've found talking with my partner has really helped. I'm trying not to bottle up my emotions - if you need to cry or have a bitch then just let it all out.

    Life can be shit sometimes but I hope you can find some comfort from sharing with the other girls. Best of luck for the very near future, x
  • lol talking about bitching at your partner mine was such a sweety last night he totally let me go off my face at him about nothing and blame him for heaps of stuff he couldn't control and when I was done he rationally asked me if I felt better and you know what? I DID! I felt he had listened to me even if I made no sense what so ever and of course once I finished yelling I actually realised only about 20% of what I said made sense lol. Now I feel better I can think about the future more brightly though. I still cry though its very early in the show for me and I am a bit of a mess. As I said atleast I have two bright healthy kids and I know I can carry to term and have a healthy baby for a fact. I hope we can all get each other through this and listening and chatting between us will help and those of us who do go on to try again can support each other through that. On the subject of a D&C try not to worry too much I really think doctors do tons of these and if you give yourself enough time to heal you will be fine. I was told I would be sore after mine but I barely am even sore so I have had a really good experience with that and am hoping to get back on the bike in September but I will insist it be under close monitoring from my obgyn.
  • Thank you all for the kind words....i passed my baby tonight! It was such a shock as there was no pain or no other indication it was about to happen but i was standing in the kitchen and felt a sort of whoosh of blood followed by a sliding sensation and i just knew - unfortunately it went down the toilet which was shocking but i picked it straight out and then burst into tears....hubby wasnt home from work yet! I phoned EPU and they were lovely said to go straight through and they confirmed that yes it was my baby! There was no one there to scan me so i still have to have a scan tomorrow to see if there is anything left over so im keeping my fingers crossed as i really dont want the ERPC. Im also relieved that i managed to pass the baby as that was what was important to me more than anything and i feel strange now - empty more than before but also relieved that its 'over' the emotional pain is very hard to deal with but im hoping at least the physical side is over so my body can start to get back to normal.

    We are going to wait for a period hopefully in May and prob try again after that....i cant replace this little one and i dont want to its just that we so want to be parents and so i feel we just have to go with it. My body clearly didnt want to let the little one go and as strange as it sounds my mum didnt get the chance to be a gran and she would have been fantastic so i know that they are together now and she can be....it also means my 'Poppet' isnt alone and wont be scared (i know that makes me sound a bit nuts thinking like that) but its a little comforting.

    Please keep your fingers crossed that i wont need the erpc now!

    Thanks,

    Lx
  • Your not nuts that makes complete sense and I have to agree with you I hate the empty feeling its so hard to be pregnant one day and just not the next.
  • Oh Lauz41, i'm so sorry for the loss of your 'Poppet' but i'm glad you managed it in the way you wanted to with your body doing it itself. I'm not as brave as you and am having an ERPC on Weds (MMC at 9wks, baby died at less than 6wks, confirmed yesterday). I don't like the thought of waking up and it all being totally over but i just can't imagine going through what you've been through-i'm hurting enough as it is.
    I hope now your emtional healing can start, i know it's so hard to move on when you know it's over but you're effectively still PG.
    Wishing you health and happiness xXx
  • thank u mummj - i replied on another post that to me the medical management was the way to go for alot of reasons....i dont think the erpc is a bad route to go down and for many woman like yourself it is the best one to take its just about how u handle this horrible situation....

    I dont think it was 'brave' though hubby does and it was hard for him watchin me go through it all but im now relieved in a way and can start to get back to noraml physically and then tackle the emotional side...

    I hope all goes well with the erpc (as well as it can u know what i mean) Im sure when its over you will feel a little better as i felt relieved and sort of calm last night - i was also hysterical beforehand but i think thats normal and more at what had just happened and shocked,....

    Everyone on here somes to be lovely and supportive given the traumatic times we are going through!

    Thinking of you

    Lx
  • Hi Ladies
    I am new to this site and any chat site at all but after reading the messages regarding missed miscarriages I felt compelled to write. I went for my 12 week scan on Friday 13th March to be told there was a baby that was measuring 10.5 weeks but there was no heartbeat! I was devastated and hugely shocked as I had had no warning signs at all. I had to wait until the Monday to have an ERPC but wanted to let you know that for those of you opting for this procedure it really is not that bad! Since then I am having good and bad days and am still quite emotional about it all but know it has happened for a reason, despite wondering if there is anything I could have done to prevent it. My problem is knowing when to start trying again....I felt so dreadfully ill with this pregnancy that the thought of going through it all again is really playing on my mind. I dont want my 2 year old to be an only child but the thought of the first trimester and the risk of another heartbreaking miscarriage is really affecting my decison! Has anyone had similar thoughts?
  • Hi Kelly,

    Sotty your new joining this site (like me) in such a horrible situation..

    I worry about trying again and the risk it might happen (though i feel a bit better as im now having the erpc now and at least things happened the way i wanted them to) but i feel we have to try again and are going to wait for a period in May and try after that...my body didnt want to let this little one go which im hoping was a good sign and that we jst had really shitty luck rather than an underlying problem although i am scared at the thought of being pregnant and having to through this again and i dont think i will enjoy being pregnant again as i will be so worried, however hubby and i have wanted a baby for ages though waitied until we got married, had our house, were soted in our jobs for money etc and did everything 'right' yet it still wasnt meant to be,..

    I have so much respect for the girls on here who have gone through it time and time again as it is truley heartbreaking and i have struggled and i was still quite early on when i lost the baby (tho i dont think how far along makes a difference in terms of your loss its just the further along you are the longer you have spent being pregnant and the more difficult i imagine it would be to move on)

    Sorry i am babbling again but i dont need the erpc now anyway and i think i have to try - i want to be pregnant again as i miss that feeling already....all my hopes and dreams and thoughts for the future died with my little one when they didnt make it and i know hubby and i cant give up on our dream to be parents not on our first attempt but i will never forget or never replace this little baby but i hope one day soon to have a happy and healthy pregnancy and to be a mummy!

    Lx
  • Hi Lauz
    I just want to say how sorry I am to hear about you loss. You have a had such a tough few months and my thoughts are with you.
    Lilou xx
  • Hi Lauz
    Thanks so much for your reply. It really does help to know that there are others out there sharing the same experience. One minute I think I am OK and then the next minute I break down in tears. I am due to go back to work on Monday which feels all wrong as in my mind it feels like I have to let go and get on with life as normal! I really am in a dilemma as to whether to try again but I guess like you I am just hoping that this was a one off, although the more I think about it the more I am sure I had a very early miscarriage 2 months before conceiving my son two and a half years ago - and I guess that is making me even more scared, as once seems bad bad luck but twice just opens up a whole new dimension.
    I am glad you didnt have to have an ERPC, you are very brave. I wish you and your hubby all the luck in the world and I am sure you will be blessed with a little one in no time.
  • Thank you Lilou and Kelly....

    I feel a bit calmer now that the bleeding seems to be easing off a little and i know that my little one is truley gone now rather than still inside me...i wish i hadnt had to go through ithis (and that the rest of you didnt either lifes so shit sometimes) but im glad that my baby came out in the end (despite looking nothing like a baby) as i feel it gave me a chance to say goodbye - just me and them. To anyone else it would have looked like a 'disgusting thing' probably but to me it was beautiful as it was my little baby and i loved them so much already....

    I go through periods of feeling fine and then the sadness hits...my husband has been great but i know how hard he finds it as he is trying to be strong for me but i couldnt have gotten through the past few weeks without him...i just wish my mum was here but i know that she will look after Poppet for me (even though i sound nuts) and both of them will always be with me in my heart...

    People find it hard to understand which is why i feel so alone...as i said i know many woman on here have been through so much worse and yet they still have kind words, sympathy and support to offer which is very humbling rather than telling you to 'get over it' or have the attitude that they are much worse of and so i shouldnt feel sorry for myself....it seems a genuinely nice place to be despite the tragic circumstances and you all deserve happiness....

    I have been off of work last week and this week and im taking next week off too but im dreading going back as i work with health visitors and go and see so many babies everyday with mums who i feel dont 'deserve' them - i love babies and children and so enjoy my job but its frustrating at times when silly little girls complain about things like having to feed them every 4 hours or get up during the night...what do they expect? Then theres the ones who smoke, drink, take drugs, the ones who didnt know they were pregnant, got pregnant by 'accident', dont want the baby. cant be bothered with the baby, have abortions..the list goes on and yet i do my job as i want the best as can be for all those little babies whom i feel so sorry for and so i try to support certain mums as much as possible to achieve that but now i know all i will be thinking is 'why them?' and 'why not me' when i would love a baby with all of my heart and i think hubby and i would provide a decent, loving home for them (as would all of you ladies i know) and i cant help but feeling bitter and jealous,..maybe sumone up there decided because i dont have a very nice attitude im the one that doesnt deserve to be a mum??

    My mum took 10 years before she had me as she just couldnt get pregnant and i imagined and worried that would be me so getting pregnant first time was a shock but a very happy one and i thought maybe just for once things would work out all right for me but i just have a feeling they wouldnt - hubby said its come im pessimistic and need to be more positive but its not its just cause generally shit happens whether i expect it to or not...

    I actually prayed, genuinely prayed my little one would make it (im not mega religious or anything) but i thought maybe just for once he would listen to me but did he hell.....my mum was cruelly taken from me and 6 months later so was the baby i longed for and loved...

    Im finding it so hard to be positive so i really admire you girls who have been through recurrent loses as i dont understand how you do it - tho i dont suppose you have much choice?

    I try to be a nice person and live a good life but feel like im constantly being kicked and its pissing me off now....im so worried it wil happen again especially as MMC are only meant to affect 1% of pregnancies...yeah right given the amount of us on here and those of you who have been through it more than once which im praying i dont have to...

    We are going to wait and see if my af returns and try hopefully in May again tho my fear is it will take much longer thia time now that we will be more focused on it and stressed and worried...

    Anyway sorry this sounds like a big 'poor me i feel sorry for myself' rant so i appologise but when i start typing and all sorts of feelings - sadness, rage, bitnerness etc all come out and i cant help the jumbled mess i then type but i just have to rant and vent a little...

    Sorry for such a long post....

    Lx

    P,s Kelly dont give up (and to the rest of you too) heres to lots of sticky baby dust for us all in the near future....
  • Hi Lauz,
    All your saying and feeling are very rational and I feel a lot of them too. You must be so strong to work with new mothers. Especially if they are not the much wanted babies that we all want. It makes it so much harder. Someone at work has been celebrating the last 24hrs after the birth of an 'accident baby' and it makes the pain so much sharper that they hadn't wanted it and it was seen as a mistake when I have been trying for over a yr and then finally do get pregnant and lose them, twice. Life is so cruel.
    I really pray you get your much wanted baby soon. It is so hard, but you aren't alone.
    Lilou x
  • Hi Lilou,

    I read your other post sorry i havent commented on it (i dont feel you are being an old shrew either i think its understandable) you have been through more than me already and i know why you feel its unfair and hurts when people dont want babies and get pregnant so easily and its all you want and would give anything for and are so happy when you get pregnant and then its all cruelly taken away from you...im sorry you have had to go through that twice ans i can only imagine the pain which you are feeling...

    I really hope you are blessed with your little bundle of joy soon - and same for all of us so heres to sticky beans all around in the very near future!!!

    Lx
  • Hi Lauz
    Just wanted to let you know about a site I have found which has really helped me this week....you may already know about it, its on the miscarriage association website. I wanted to do something to remember our little pipsqueak by and thought about planting a rosebush and then I came across the Forget-me-not meadow. You email a message which is then attached to a forget me not and placed in a virtual meadow which you can then "visit" as much as you like. To me it seems a lovely way of remembering. I hope you are doing OK an please dont worry and stress about the time it will take to conceive again, your body will know when the time is right and I am sure it will take no time at all.
    Went back to work yesterday, it was OK although had a few emotional moments!
    Take care
  • thank you kelly....

    I actually just came across this yesterday after speaking to the miscarriage association (who were great) and i added a little message i think its lovely! I wonder how many others on here have added a message too?

    I did see a messge for a little pipsqueak wonder if it was urs? I did one too. I also have a tattoo appointment booked to get a little flower tattoo with baby pink and blue petals in memory and also a willow tree 'angel of rememberance' and hubby bought me a miscarriage rememberance bracelet as well...it may seem like im going over the top a little but its helping me little by little these small things as i will never ever forget Poppet....

    Im goin to ttc when i have my 1st af and just see how it goes - glad u got through being back at work ok. im goin back to work on Monday and im dreading it being around all the babies again as i still feel angry and bitter and think thats what i should be looking forward to....does that make me a horrible person?

    Stay strong,

    Lx
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