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Birth of Joshua 22 weeks
Hi, Not really sire what i am doing on here i just need somewhere to express my feelings. I gave birth on Sat 22 nov to baby joshua weighing just 1 lb. I had a healthy pregnancy until my 20 week scan (2 weeks ago everything in my life was perfect) now i feel like my world has been turned upside down.
I had a scan at 19 weeks they said measurements were fine but they could not see the baby face or heart so i had to return a week later, I was not woried because when i had my daughter i had to return for a second scan with her. I went to the second scan excited to see my baby again I was even more thrilled when they said it was a little boy, when they scanned me she said she saw a problem with my babys lip she said he may have a split in his top lip but dont worry it can be repaired after he is born. They told me i would need to see a consultant on Monday who would be able to have a closer look. I left the hospital in tears crying incase i could not breastfeed my little boy - I never imagined i would not be left without my baby at all.
The consultant scanned me for 40 minutes without saying a word he then sat down with my husband and I and explained that he did not think our baby will survive he has many problems, he listed problems with his heart it consisted of only 1 chamber not 4 he had no stomach, no upper lip a cleft palet, and he was showing signs of having a syndrome as he had an opening at the back of his head. I was numb I could not beleive he was looking at my baby less than a week ago i was told everything was fine. He referred us on to a regional centre who would give us a second opinion, that appointment was last thurs at the appointment i was told the smae information I was also told of several health problems I would face if the pregnancy was not ended.
My baby had stopped growing i was told he was only alive because he was surviving inside me my original due date had gone from 25th march 09 to 20th april, i admit that in the last few weeks i did start to feel weak but i could not make a decision to end a life i just couldnt do it. After more tests my 2 consultants gave me no real options basd on their findings and they signed a consent form for a medical termination of the pregnancy - i felt quite helpless but my husband kept me going he made me realise that my life had to be put first for my daughters sake.
I gave birth to Baby Joshua at 9.18pm on sat 22nd Nov he was not alive when he was born - the midwives really looked after my family and helped us come to terms with losing Joshua. I am not home resting I feel so empty I just want my baby i want to feed him and care for him my body is in a lot of pain but i cnat describe the pain in my heart - not sure why i am writing this to strangers i just dont know where to turn for support, i miss my baby so much i really hate my body for turning against me in this way its so hard knowing that my little girl was perfect and that it knew what to do - i just need to know what went wrong.
I would like to hear from anyone who has similar experience or knows where i can get some advice x
I had a scan at 19 weeks they said measurements were fine but they could not see the baby face or heart so i had to return a week later, I was not woried because when i had my daughter i had to return for a second scan with her. I went to the second scan excited to see my baby again I was even more thrilled when they said it was a little boy, when they scanned me she said she saw a problem with my babys lip she said he may have a split in his top lip but dont worry it can be repaired after he is born. They told me i would need to see a consultant on Monday who would be able to have a closer look. I left the hospital in tears crying incase i could not breastfeed my little boy - I never imagined i would not be left without my baby at all.
The consultant scanned me for 40 minutes without saying a word he then sat down with my husband and I and explained that he did not think our baby will survive he has many problems, he listed problems with his heart it consisted of only 1 chamber not 4 he had no stomach, no upper lip a cleft palet, and he was showing signs of having a syndrome as he had an opening at the back of his head. I was numb I could not beleive he was looking at my baby less than a week ago i was told everything was fine. He referred us on to a regional centre who would give us a second opinion, that appointment was last thurs at the appointment i was told the smae information I was also told of several health problems I would face if the pregnancy was not ended.
My baby had stopped growing i was told he was only alive because he was surviving inside me my original due date had gone from 25th march 09 to 20th april, i admit that in the last few weeks i did start to feel weak but i could not make a decision to end a life i just couldnt do it. After more tests my 2 consultants gave me no real options basd on their findings and they signed a consent form for a medical termination of the pregnancy - i felt quite helpless but my husband kept me going he made me realise that my life had to be put first for my daughters sake.
I gave birth to Baby Joshua at 9.18pm on sat 22nd Nov he was not alive when he was born - the midwives really looked after my family and helped us come to terms with losing Joshua. I am not home resting I feel so empty I just want my baby i want to feed him and care for him my body is in a lot of pain but i cnat describe the pain in my heart - not sure why i am writing this to strangers i just dont know where to turn for support, i miss my baby so much i really hate my body for turning against me in this way its so hard knowing that my little girl was perfect and that it knew what to do - i just need to know what went wrong.
I would like to hear from anyone who has similar experience or knows where i can get some advice x
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Replies
I'm sure if you contact the midwives at the hospital they can put you in touch with a counsellor? Good luck. Lots of love to you, Niki
My thoughts go out to you and your family.
Take Care
xx
I agree with the other girls the hospital should be able to put you and your family in touch with a counsellor. Might be able to have it so that your husband can go too.
My thoughts and love are with you all,
Take care xxxx
I am really sorry this happened to you - I can not even begin to imagine what it was like. Please think about counselling - the hospital normally offer sessions with a specialist - it's oftern easier to talk to someone you don't know.
Do what ever is right for you hun - don't be surrounded by people if it makes you feel worse - I grieved on my own - I am better that way - I never told my family about my pregnancy - so I was lucky I fobbed it off as food posioning! To my friends who knew I texted them all to tell them what happened and to not text and call becuase I wouldn't be able to deal with it!
Everyone is different hun - and everyone grieves in a different way. Do what ever you want and whatever makes you feel better - if thats staying under the duvet for a few days - then do it!
I know that nothing will every take your son's place - but in time you will feel a little bit better - every day the pain gets less - it may not feel like that now and it may take a long time to see the other side of all this - but until this time make sure you look after yourself!
Take Care - BIG HUG and my thoughts are with you.
M
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Just wanted to send you my love, i had an ectopic on 7th October and although it doesn't even compare to the pain you are going through, just wanted to let you know that we're here for you!!!
The girls on here have been absolutely amazing and listened to every wee moan i've had and no-one judges you. I know as well as you do that sometimes speaking to people so close to you doesnt help so just remember to post here and we'll do our best to help pick you up again!!
Love & Hugs to you and you're husband!!!
You're in my thoughts and prayers honey.
Broxi xx
Everyone on here has been wonderful as they are the only ones who can really understand what it is like to lose a baby.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your son.
C.xx
I agree that you should seek bereavement councelling, for you and your hubby.
My heart goes out to you, your hubby and your little girl for this devastating loss. x
Hold onto each other & take each day as it comes.
bless you both.
K.xx
I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through but please believe it does get better. My story is scarily similar to yours - I too had a happy and healthy pregnancy up until my 20 week scan which I actually had at 21 weeks. Just the week before I'd been at a family gathering and everyone had said how I was 'blooming' and looked fantastic. As soon as the radiographer started my scan she stopped and said she would need to get a consultant - I knew at that moment that it was terrible news. The consultant explained that my baby had too many abnormalities to be able to survive and it was just a matter of time. We too were asked to make the decision whether to terminate or to let the baby die naturally. As I was 38, time was running out for us to have another baby (I have a daughter who is 8) and so I asked to be scanned again and for my scan to be compared with a 'normal' scan so I could see the abnormalities for myself. When I saw how little brain tissue was present, I knew that there was no chance the baby could survive and so we took the heartbreaking decision to have it induced. On the 18th October 2006 our baby girl was born dead at 22 weeks and we held and cuddled her and said our goodbyes. We had a cremation service for her and wouldn't wish the pain that we felt on my worst enemy. I'm not sure how you get through that time .... you just do. I made an effort not to bottle it up and let myself cry when I needed to and let myself think about what we had lost. I asked as many questions as possible - I had had an ectopic the year before and had been given methotrexate and so was worried that that had caused it.
The post mortem showed that the baby had Patau's Syndrome and we went for genetic counselling which was reassuring from the point of view that it confirmed that there was absolutely nothing we could have done to prevent it and were given a statistic for the risk for future pregnancies.
We now have a healthy and happy baby boy - born on 14th November 2007 and he is just such a wee treasure. We will never forget the baby we lost and while I try not to dwell on anniversaries, I do allow myself time alone to think about her and look at the photos and things that I have. I also know though that had we not gone through that awful time, we wouldn't now have the pleasure of Rory who brings so much joy to our lives.
I'm not sure how much of what I've said will help - everyone's experience is different. I suppose I just wanted to let you know that things do get better and you will get through - just take as much help as you can and try not to bottle anything up.
There are various groups that can help - SANDS is one - and your local hospital may have a support group. I found the bereavement counsellor at the hospital a help when i needed reassurance that what I was telling my 8 year old was ok and for help with my feelings when I got pregnant again.
Many people asked me why I risked going through it all again. For me - while it was the worst time in my life, knowing the joy that a new baby brings made the risk worthwhile and it wasn't really a difficult decision to try again. The other thing I find is that not everyone approves of the fact that I had the baby induced rather than losing it naturally - so that may be something you want to think about before you share the information with people. From my point of view I felt that it had been the most difficult decision I'd made in my life and hadn't made it lightly - but in our circumstances felt it was the right way to go. I was always very honest about what happened as believe that anyone who judges me because of that - really isn't worth worrying about as they clearly have no idea of what I went through and are judging from a position of ignorance. You may feel you want to handle it differently.
If I can be of any help to you, please don't hesitate to email me and I hope that you get all the support you need through this awful time.
Gill x
3rd October 2006 the day before i was due to go on holiday i went for a routine antenatal appointment at 22weeks. I didn't even panic when the midwife couldn't find the heartbeat. the moment it sunk in was when the lady doing the scan said the dreaded words "i'm sorry i can't find the heartbeat" I was induced and gave birth to my beautiful little boy Jude on the 5th October.
For weeks i was always crying i couldn't face anyone. what helped me through it was my husband and 2 children, just like you all i wanted was for my little boy to be with me so i could look after him. Thoughts did go through my mind that if I died I could be with him, but i was reminded daily that i was need here at home. We have photos and all the keepsakes and constantly talk about him. My 5 year old also insisted on buying a birthday cake for jude this year.
As the months/years have pasted the pain got easier to cope with. On the day of my little boys funeral I brought a plain gold locket in which i have a photo of him inside, this is my way of saying i can be with him all the time.
I can now say after nearly 2 years of trying i'm pregnant again, I'm petrified it will happen again, but as we found out on what would be Judes 2nd Birthday i feel he is now my little guardian angel and he is looking after me.
I think what i'm trying to say is, it will feel like the bottom has dropped out of your world, somedays you will feel like you don't want to wake up. But keep talking to your family about Joshua and you will find one day you will be able to talk about him without crying.
Love and Hugs
xx
p.s I wish i had found B.E. back then as I wouldn't have felt so alone, all the ladies on this sight are so comforting.