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i thought i was ok
hi everyone,
i dont even know where to began i thought i was ok, 10 days ago i was told that i mc i was only a few weeks along and wasnt trying for it but me and my oh desperatly want kids we both took it so hard, because i have always worried that i wouldnt be able to have children because of medical issues in my past, so it was bitter sweet first i knew i was able to concieve, but then will this happen again? will i be able to get pregant and will i be able to keep it to term? i found this website after 5 days of crying bleeding horriable cramping and shutting my oh out and refusing to talk about it. but as the days have gone along i decided not to write my story for comfort and consolment as i thought i was getting better, but today has been a aweful day and the week has been bad. i thought i was ok i thought i was gonna be fine and i feel myself getting more and more angry as days go by and scared and worried. since i was only a few weeks along i hadnt told anyone and have chosen not to, only my docter and my oh know. i just moved litterally across the country because my husband just returned from a 15 month tour in iraq i thought i had been through the worst, i dont know what to do or how to move on, everything hurts and what im guessing is my hormones are raging, all i want to do is sleep and i want everyone to know so i can just have someone hug me but at the same time all i want to do is scream. i feel so alone without my baby. please i need someone to talk to....
i dont even know where to began i thought i was ok, 10 days ago i was told that i mc i was only a few weeks along and wasnt trying for it but me and my oh desperatly want kids we both took it so hard, because i have always worried that i wouldnt be able to have children because of medical issues in my past, so it was bitter sweet first i knew i was able to concieve, but then will this happen again? will i be able to get pregant and will i be able to keep it to term? i found this website after 5 days of crying bleeding horriable cramping and shutting my oh out and refusing to talk about it. but as the days have gone along i decided not to write my story for comfort and consolment as i thought i was getting better, but today has been a aweful day and the week has been bad. i thought i was ok i thought i was gonna be fine and i feel myself getting more and more angry as days go by and scared and worried. since i was only a few weeks along i hadnt told anyone and have chosen not to, only my docter and my oh know. i just moved litterally across the country because my husband just returned from a 15 month tour in iraq i thought i had been through the worst, i dont know what to do or how to move on, everything hurts and what im guessing is my hormones are raging, all i want to do is sleep and i want everyone to know so i can just have someone hug me but at the same time all i want to do is scream. i feel so alone without my baby. please i need someone to talk to....
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Replies
All my love to you and stay strong.
I am so sorry for your loss.
It sounds like you have been through a lot and everything you are feeling is completely natural and normal (although that doesn't make it any easier to deal with I know).
Grief is a strange path and things can sneak up on you when you're least expecting it or come back to haunt you just when you think you're doing ok.
Do you have a close friend or family member that you can trust and talk to? I know you've chosen not to tell anyone at the moment but perhaps just having one person to talk to in real life would be helpful. Or perhaps you could consider some counselling? I've had 3 mc's and after each one have found it really helpful to talk to someone impartial who isn't emotionally involved.
Obviousy I don't know your medical history but perhaps talk to your GP about having children in the future - the waiting and wondering and worrying is so difficult and it might help to try and get some answers (though sadly so often there are none).
But remember that we're always here to listen and support you whenever you need to cry/rant/scream.
And you are right that the raging hormones don't help!
I hope you are feeling a bit better soon.
You're in my thoughts.
Take care, NN xx
It doesnt whether you m/c early on or not i think u still feel the loss (though i cant imagine how hard it must be having to deliver further along and all that comes with it) but its the whole loss of your expectations and hopes and dreams for the future that i find hard...thats all taken away from you as well as the baby you want so much and its really cruel...
I think the fact that you conceived is a good sign and that you have probably just been really unlucky like the rest of us sadly here rather than because there is an underlying problem but your medical history is making you even more paranoid (i have the same worries as you) given so i think you should speak to your doctor about any worries you have regarding this though you may not get answers sometimes the worrying and not doing anything 'constructive' can drive u mad and make u feel 100 times worse...
I also kno how alone you are feeling - my mum died in September and all i want is her around, my aunt doesnt really see the big deal in it and its the usual 'least you know u can get pregnant and it doesnt mean it will happen again' stuff im gettin from her which isnt helping, i dont get on with my dad, we dont see much of hubbys family (which im glad about) and my sis who is 18 told me to 'just get over it' and i dont have any close friends whom i can open upto so yeah i want to cry and scream and shout and want someone to hug me (but then i feel bad when its hubby who does as i feel like its all my fault and something i've done to cause it to happen and i feel so guilty) However, i know that without his support i dont think i could have gotten through this as he has been great and i know he has found it hard watching what i have had to go through and despite feeling sad himself has been feeling 'helpless' that he cant make things better for me.
Sorry for going on a little there...
Im here (as are all the other lovely ladies) if you want to chat....feel free just to rant or vent or scream, shout, cry on here whatever you feel! I only joined a few days ago and already i have have found it a little helpful and some comfort knowing that im not alone in going through this and that there are ladies who understand to talk to or to listen (though i wish no one else was here as then we wouldnt be going through this and i wouldnt wish this on my worst enenmy)
Anyway....Take care,
Lx
[Modified by: Lauz41 on March 25, 2009 11:12 AM]
I am so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you are going through the ringer a bit.
There is nothing wrong with what you are feeling at the moment, You will find that you start to feel like you're beginning to cope with everything that has gone on and then all of a sudden you have a bad day and you think you're back at square one. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but things do get better, and all those horrible platitudes are true, it will just take time.
I would try and talk to your OH if you can, he will obviously be hurting too and probably be feeling completely helpless, because he can't do anything to take your pain away, he's just got to watch you go through it. My OH struggled to show his grief because he felt he had to stay strong for me.
I would recommend you try and find someone you can talk things through with. Of course all of us ladies are here to listen, but its not quite the same as talking to someone face-to-face. I always feel a little bit better after I've been able to talk things through.
I hope you start to feel better soon, and feel free to come on here and talk about absolutely anything, we'll support you.
Chocky.
Sending you lots of hugs hun. I am sorry things are starting to get on top of you. Grief is such a brutal emotion. Please keep talking. This really does help and will help to ease some of the pain and lonliness. If you can, speak to your OH as you will find he is suffering in his own way. Everyone grieves differently and men do feel it although in a different way often.
I found the Misccarriage Association very helpful too. Their number is:
Helpline: 01924 200799 (Mon-Fri, 9am - 4pm)
I hope the pain starts to ease soon for you.
Take care of your self, it is still very raw for you.
Lilou xx
Sometimes it can be surprising when we do talk to OH's as we think they are big tough men who have no emotions but they do feel things but react differently to us this doesn't mean they are not going through it in their own way. Perhaps the men get a bit left out sometimes, I mean sure they can't feel the way we do they weren't carrying the baby but they were a big part of it and well you both need each other to get through.
Rant over and breathe!! Does anybody else find once they start they just sometimes can't stop?!!
Lots of love xxxxxx