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What do I say to her?
I need some advice from you lovely people.
A friend of mine has just lost her baby - she went into labour at 25 weeks, and they couldn't stop it happening, so her baby was born. The baby was in intesive care for two weeks, but I have just found out that the baby died last night.
Why has this happened? it seems so unfair
I feel awful as I am putting off phoning her as I have no idea what to say - I want to support her, but I just can't find the words.
Help me - i dont want to say the wrong thing!
Thanks
Romeo
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Replies
My heart goes out to your friend at this awful time. I think every one reacts and deals with this in different ways. Personally my advice would be to just offer your support and listen. It is impossible to know exactly how she and her partner are feeling as we are all so different, although you can imagine horrendous!
I didn't want to hear people saying, 'look to the future' or 'you can try again', 'the good news is you can get pregnant again'. I just wanted people to acknowledge this awful thing had happended and not to try to distract me from that. I didn't want to move on or forget. i just needed time to come to terms with it. But then others may feel differntely.
I think just take it slowly and ask her what she wants from you. Acknowledge the pain and just listen. Don't know if that helps at all?? I think the fact you have posted shows you care and are aware people can say the wrong thing so you probably won't. The cards of support and flowers I found helpful as if I didn't want to face people I didn't have to but knew people cared as they had taken the time to send them.
Hope it works out for you. Lilou
I wld just hold her and let her cry x
I agree with Lilou completely, you must acknowledge it tell her you are so so sorry that you are there if she needs anything at all. My bet is hon she wont even answer the phone right now, but she'll see you did call & know you care & are thinking of her. Perhaps send flowers & a mass card for the baby (if she is the type of person that finds comfort in religion that is).
god help her & her hubby.
K.x
I have sent a text, flowers and a card, with a promise to call next week. Will hopefully be able to help her as much as poss, but we live in defferent countries so it is difficult because I feel a bit useless!
xxx
I agree with Lilou about what not to say. Those comments, although meant in sympathy, don't help unfortunately.
She will talk if she wants to, and she will just need your support
I hope her and her OH get through this xx
I think you are a wonderful friend and sending a card and flowers was really lovely and will have helped her to know how much you care.
As others have said there isn't much you can say...just let her talk in her own time and cry as much as she needs to. Don't be surprised at anything she says or thinks - some pretty irrational thoughts go through your mind when you loose a child.
Again, as others have said, it's more about not saying certain things. I am sure you wouldn't anyway but don't try to put any sort of positive to this - like 'at least you can get pregnant' 'you can have fun trying again' 'it's better now than later on' 'it's for the best' 'there was obviously something wrong and you wouldn't want an ill child' etc etc etc. (all of which I heard and none of which helped one bit).
I am sending my love to you both.
~ NN xx